I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water ... STILL. The weekend was icky, but I kept pushing though. Yesterday was okay and I pushed through again.
Today feels very blah. I slept in because my body really needed that deep morning sleep. Physically things are slowly picking up (although I cancelled all my physical activities this week).
Why blah? I'm taking care of dogs, doing my things, prepping to have a later morning routine and I'm surrounded by COMPLAINTS (hello, hubby). Complaints about little things, but a steady state of negative remarks. I'm trying to hold onto a good attitude -- be grateful, positive focus.
I'm THAT sensitive right now. I'm having trouble not picking up what he's throwing down. I feel a swirl of negative around so many things -- not just him (!!).
Working on the hard family stuff is leaving me drained for regular life, but I MUST work through the family stuff. I've been very vague, but I'll put it out there ... my mother has an axis 2 personality disorder and (to say it bluntly), she's mean and manipulative. I handle it by allowing it, because rational discussions don't work in this kind of situation. Knowing it's not actually me has helped (I learned this a few years ago -- having spent a lifetime trying to change our relationship), but all of a sudden it's not enough.
I don't want to keep "taking it." I know I can't change how she views the world or me -- it's not rational and "can't argue with crazy," but I can limit my interaction and I can choose how I relate with her and choose MY actions.
Someone with an axis 2 disorder doesn't take kindly to non-submissive behavior and the push back is real and difficult to deal with -- she emails, texts, calls, spreads rumors, engages others to get me to cooperate. It's constant. I've never held my ground this firmly -- ever!
I don't talk about this with most people because unless you've experience someone with this problem, there is no way to understand the level of manipulation and subtleties that go along with the outright mean behavior. I say we have a complicated relationship and leave it at that.
I've taken a deeper look into how being raised in this situation has shaped me -- and that's what I'm working on. It's hard work. Much harder than I expected.
This is why "regular" life feels so overwhelming. One comment, one negative situation and I go to pieces inside.
No one knows I'm working on this except my life coach and my sister (P.S. my sister is in therapy to help her with our mother). Not even my hubby (he knows a little, but even he doesn't understand fully). Hubby know how my mother is and totally supports me, but he thinks I read too much into things sometimes -- my sister and I know that we don't -- and anyone who has ever dealt with this personality type also knows how deep it goes. It makes a person on the receiving end feel crazy themselves -- it's isolating.
My family (hubby included) thinks I should acquiesce and play peacekeeper. It's easier. I did too -- for years I did this -- now peacekeeping feels horrible. I need to STAND UP for myself for the first time. Boundaries. Things like -- you speak horrible to me, I end the phone conversation. You rage at me on a voicemail and tell me to call you -- I won't. I get a nasty email, I delete it with no response.
These boundaries seem basic, but what happens every time a boundary is held, she ups the response. Gets angry. Gets mean. Spreads lies. And it continues on and on -- she won't let it go. That's why it's easy to give in. Let her speak nasty to me, let her demand a phone call -- take it, because then she "wins" and doesn't escalate. Who would believe the epic battle that comes from ignoring an email? No one. That's why I don't talk about it. It doesn't make logical sense.
I didn't expect this to be a confessional of what's been upsetting lately. I'm finally starting to talk about it and work through the idea that people will judge me (must be 2 sides to this story, your mother seems so nice, everyone should love their mother, you must be a horrible daughter) and not care.
Bringing all this forward instead of pushing it down is more work than I expected -- I didn't realize how much I pushed down all these years and it doesn't go away until you deal with it head on.
There you have it. Maybe writing this is helpful -- stop carrying the secret and shame. I hope so.
Later gators.
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