Aversions and a Rant

I'm trying to get some traction back.

I did an easy workout. Worked in the garden (last of the peas and then pulled them). Ran a couple of errands (thanks, negative test). Made coordinating massages for my Asheville trip. 

Proof of peas haha!

But, I'm still languishing. Every little things feels like a gargantuan, awful task. Send a text -- ugh. God forbid an email. Make a call -- geez. Even setting up fun things -- I have zero interest. 

That's the push right now. Just do the things. These aren't things that take up huge energy. Literally return a text message with a "great, let's do it." 

Covid is a mind-f*#k

And still aversions to odd things. I guess that's a little bit of what the tasks are, aversions. 

I picked the peas, no problem.

I pulled the plants, no problem.

The thought of cooking them, a problem. 

The thought of eating them, sometimes a problem, sometimes a craving.

Right now that thought makes me want to gag. 

Last night I craved them, but couldn't muster the idea of cooking them. 

Last time the aversion to coffee lasted about a month. 

Let's see how long until I feel normal again this time.

Also, still PVCs at night, but improving. 

Brace yourself, I'm going to talk about "that" person again. I've been trying to not give her my mind space, but I'm indulging myself this morning.

The friend who lost her husband introduced us. They've been friends longer than we have -- spent holidays together, vacations together in their early years of friendship. "That" person hasn't reached out to our friend since her husband's passing. She hasn't RSVPd to the service either. My friend asked me about it. Another mutual friend said she might not attend because she has to pick up her adult daughter from the airport, but her husband will be there. Geez. But that other friend is going to talk to her, so maybe that'll change.

I had reason (not important) to let the hiking group know I had Covid. Well wishes and offers for help (which, BTW, I did for her when she had it last fall). Crickets from her. Not even a "feel better." I also decided a little experiment after no comment from her.

It seems when I text my hiking availability, there will be no hike that week. Or if I say I need to stay local, it'll be a non-local hike ... that kind of thing. I said I was available this coming Tuesday ... and I'll hike regardless (weather permitting).

She almost always posts the hike info on Friday. Nothing, but she did do some chatting on the thread. Now, there have been times she's waited to post until Sunday, but not often. I'm curious. I think this is some of her game play and probably a move to encourage me to leave the group. Which I'm considering more and more. I wonder which will be a bigger pull -- screw me or hike with the group. 

I did some soul searching about why this is on my mind so much. I'm not interested in being her friend anymore -- that decision is made. I would like to stay friends with the group and would like it to be less awkward when I see her. BUT ... I think the real issue is I don't want her to WIN. 

This stems from my mother and the feeling that she always got the last word. Always lied to make it seem like she was in control. Never acknowledged or took responsibility. 

Same thing is happening. She's setting up the scenario for this to be HER decision to walk away from our friendship. That I'm the issue. That she's in control. THIS is what I can't let go of -- I need to counter that narrative with the group. I need to show her I'm driving this bus. 

There are times that I think I need therapy about my mother, not just life coaching. This is one of those times. I'm trying to live out my mother scenario with a different ending. And it's not working. It can't work with people like her (and "that" person). That's the very nature of the problem, the reason they can't hold relationships. 

Here's what's playing out for me. 

I know the reaction she wants and I'm not giving it to her.

For as much as she's in my head, I KNOW I'm in hers because of all the game play.

I have an advantage because she doesn't know how much I understand the game play.

Unless you've lived it with someone, you don't get it. I get it.

But, it's not healthy for me. Not mature. I know it and I'm still in the game to win. Ugh. 

I'd go on about this even more, but I'm meeting friends at a farmer's market this morning and need to figure out parking options. It's like the person on a diet who falls face first into a cake -- that felt so good, but it wasn't actually good for me and now I'll have a stomach ache. At least I'm somewhat self-aware hah. And you luck out that I need to get going. There will be an update about Tuesday. Taking bets ... right or wrong?? Either way, I think no hike information yesterday was her debating it. 

Have a good day. Later gators.

Negative (!!)

I tested NEGATIVE this morning. 

Yea!!! 

From the same pack I tested positive on Tuesday.

Still some PVCs -- guess that'll take a little more time to settle down. 

I ate veggies.

Painted a rock (very simple, little bit ugly).

Rock grabbed from a hike.
Very bumpy.

Time to get DOING again.

Next week begins my birthday month, and while I don't celebrate with PEOPLE all month (hah), I do celebrate privately. I like to take this as a marker to re-visit the year. How's it going? What do I want to change? A new motto (haven't given it a second of thought yet -- eeek). 

Some special times sprinkled throughout the month. Quietly for myself. 

This feels like an especially significant birthday month since I'm officially hitting menopause. 

Time to feel better and mark this occasion. 

Want to hear about what's what for June, so far?

1. Right out of the gate, a weekend in Asheville with my aunt, youngest, and DIL celebrating my niece's twin's 1st birthday (that's a mouthful). Lots of fun sprinkled in a short trip.

2. The following weekend is a celebration of life for our friend. We were planning to go to the service on Saturday, but our friend asked us to also come to a dinner on Friday. It'll be good to laugh and cry and remember such a good man with people who loved him. Losing someone who was so curious about life is a reminder to live life. 

3. Before the service on Saturday, I'm helping with a Pride Walk in our town. Organized by a friend and she's concerned about a low turnout. I'm spreading the word and I'll be there to support a great event. 

4. Then that Sunday ... heading to Asheville with a friend for all-the-things. Hiking, good food, spa day. Celebration celebrating WOMEN. June 18 is the menopause date. She'll stay Sunday - Wednesday. I'll stay until Friday (depending on the weather). 

We've never traveled together. This just "happened" and fingers crossed we like each other for that length of time lol. I think we'll be fine. We've known each other for 8 years. 

I'm surprised I made the decision to celebrate with someone, but I did and I think it'll be fun. We share so many of the same interests. This was the week that I put out to my hiking group and crickets -- this is much better as it turns out. I also asked my sister and nothing materialized. 

(Such a lesson for me to stop barking up unavailable trees. Not chasing. Wishy-washy maybes or whatever are actually NOs. I cut those losses quickly and move on to another plan.)

5. Then my birthday and family celebration (I expect). 

Reflection time and some little extras sprinkled in all month. I don't tell my peripheral friends that it's my birthday, but I try to plan some fun with people all month. I don't want it to be an obligation for them, but I like the idea of choosing to spend time with people I enjoy in June.

Of course, there will be disappointments. Aren't there always?!? I'm trying to expect it and roll with it. Summer of easy and unbothered. Pivot. It was always meant to happen this way. The only thing I really, really need to celebrate myself is ME. Everything else is icing on the cake. 

That's all for today. I was chatty. Have a good one. Later gators.

Little Update on Nothing Much

Slug-like improvements. 

Not much movement forward.

COVID or sofa (bed) surfing all day?!?

Hard to say.

I'm still not myself, but I was craving vegetables today -- that's the right direction.

What's lingering is the feeling of languishing. I have no interests in anything. The thought of doing the littlest thing feels like a big, fat NOPE. Not now. Maybe someday. Can't imagine ever wanting to do it. 

COVID being weird. 

And still PVCs and some rapid heart rate spurts. 

Another rest day in the works.

Hope your week is going well. Can't believe it's already Thursday. Sad my easy, fun week became something else. Happy and grateful I know what's going on though. 

Later gators.

Hmmmm ...

And the plot thickens.

Saw my son last Tuesday. Neither of us were symptomatic with anything. Both had some symptoms by the end of the week. He has "a little head cold still" and tested last night. COVID (!!)

Who was first? Hard to say. Probably me, but it's possible the realtor was sick and exposed us on Tuesday.  

That's what still makes COVID so crazy. We both have dramatically different symptoms from the same virus strain and possibly the same exposure. 

PVCs last night for about half the night. Otherwise I feel the same. My heart is calm this morning. 

It's such a relief that I know what's going on. I have a bunch of odd feelings or aversions right now -- felt like I was going crazy. A random TV show gives me anxiety (Frasier), thinking of certain teas make me feel sick (herbal). I was choosing a new book and one of them gave me a physical reaction -- like gross, can't read this. I almost put it in a donation pile. Same thing happened last time (2 years ago) with physical objects.

Oh, and vegetables are completely unappealing to me. That's the strangest and it happened last time with COVID too.

I can't believe I didn't put it all together. I guess because I didn't really feel sick. Of course, now that I know, I realize I'm putting up a fight against the energy thing. Remember when I said I didn't feel like doing anything? That's being sick. I'm letting that stand today -- all day rest, especially since my heart is involved. I hope it's not a lasting thing after this is over. 

Explains the intense upset or anxiety or worry ... whatever you'd call the feeling. An overreaction to any kind of stressor.

ChatGPT for the win. I didn't put it together myself. My son absolutely wouldn't have tested. I cringe to think of the worry and possible cardiac testing to figure out the cause of this -- again, hopefully, nothing that'll linger. 

I'm also bummed at the number of people I exposed. I let everyone I know in that window know, just in case, but lots of stranger interactions too.

Okay, that's all from my COVID bed. Have a good day. Later gators.

The Answer

Well, well, well. 

I have the PVC answer.

I went to Urgent Care for an EKG. Told the doc all the things. She said nothing to be concerned about, but followup with cardiology if it doesn't resolve or you become symptomatic. Everything was normal.

Sat outside in the afternoon and hubby pointed out a bunch of bug bites on my arm. No itch, no pain. But there were a lot of bugs flying around. Strange it didn't itch.

Ready for bed. Took off my pants -- more "bites" and now I realize it's a rash.

Ran the combination of symptoms and non-symptoms (i.e. no fever, non-itchy rash, etc) through ChatGPT. 

Hello, COVID. 

Two tests immediately positive. 

Shit.

Exposed my grandson all weekend. 

Exposed everyone since Thursday.

No way did it even occur to me a little bit that this was COVID. Didn't occur to the doctor either. I told her I was a little bit sick -- like I was getting a chest cold that never really materialized. My voice was scratchy one day, but no sore throat. Told her about travel. Told her never had my heart react to stress this way. To be fair, no rash at that point. 

Dang.

Oura ring didn't detect anything either. All my monitored values were fine.

Now I wait for what other symptoms will join the fun tomorrow. It's been 6 days. Probably another few days to go. 

I should have considered COVID. I was looking for the reason behind the PVCs and a virus was a consideration, but since I didn't really feel sick, COVID wasn't even a little on my radar. 

Lesson learned. 

P.S. The roof just started leaking again. 

Fun week. 

A Not-Chipper List

This probably won't be a chipper post -- you've been warned hah!

Let's make it a list.

1. Hubby sealed roof vent. We'll see if it holds. I hope it's that simple. Nothing is leaking, but the rain has been lighter. 

2. Chiropractor visit. I feel a lot better. Shoulder is good. Foot is back to normal. He said there was some emotional issues showing up around my stomach area. Holding too much emotion and worry. Hmmmm. 

3. PVCs are back in force this morning. Hello, worry. I'm going to make an appointment or see Urgent Care this week. Something is going on and I need to make sure it's not serious. I probably need to tell my husband too. Ugh. 

I keep waiting thinking it's a combination of all the things and my body will figure it out. Travel, time adjustment, sleep, little sick, too much caffeine. 

4. I have anxiety through the roof. It could be the PVCs making me feel physically like you'd feel when you're anxious and my mind is trying to attach a reason to the physical response. I have NOTHING to be anxious about (except the PVCs). Hah, I guess it's a vicious circle. 

But it is making me feel like every little thing is a catastrophe and every little hiccup extrapolates to awful. 

What if the PVCs are from hormones.

Then I have to go off them.

Then all the menopause symptoms return.

Then I'll have no energy.

I'll get out of shape and old.

I won't be able to hike or run.

I won't be able to play with my grandson.

Or have active vacations.

I'll be one of those people who you wonder how that happened.

"She used to be so active and now look at her ... never leaves the house."

See ... this was the thought train I had this morning. Nonsense and CRAZY. Dang.

5. I'm adding to my upset because I feel I'm ruining a really good calendar week. Easy mornings. Not much on the calendar. Should be a week for hiking, creativity, me-time, etc. 

Instead, I feel crappy, anxious, sad ... and feel like doing absolutely nothing but being a sofa slug. 

Okay, I'm going to leave it all here. The PVCs seem a little less as I've been fussing around this morning. Fingers crossed. Later gators.

Threes and a Pity Party

Things come in THREEs ... 

1. Roof leaked during the heavy rains. Looks like a vent that needs to be sealed. More heavy rains today and tomorrow. Eeek. 

2. Kids can't change date in Asheville, so I'm not able to go with a friend to a weekend event this fall. No good deed ... not really, but feels a little like it.

3. PVCs back in force yesterday. I had a little bit of caffeine again and a harder workout. Now to figure out if one or the other is a problem. Either way, if it happens again, looks like I'm in for a cardiac workup. I'm okay so far today. 

I'm not having the best moment this morning ... also in THREEs.

1. I'm worried about the PVCs -- mainly why. Possible beta blocker or ablation in my future (after lots of doctors and medical bills). 

2. I also don't feel well. Not really sick, but not well. Chest cold coming on? 

3. My left foot keeps tingling. 

So now I'm worried this is all related. I'm somehow dying or on the cusp of a bad diagnosis. A little dramatic?!? Boy, I hope so.

I'm a few weeks out from the menopause and birthday celebrations. I want to feel good and strong and happy. Not looking like any of that from this vantage point. How did things seem to change so rapidly from a week ago?!?

My Oura ring stats are fine. Temp, heart rate, recovery, O2 saturation. Not that that tells a full (or completely accurate) story, but it's not sending up any alarms. 

It could be my body is stressed from the trip and sleep issues, and a little sick, etc. and is having a strong reaction. 

I see the chiropractor/acupuncture today. Maybe that'll be a start to healing. I'm on strict dietary protocol too. Nothing that traditionally stresses my heart rate. Caffeine, sugar, white carbs. 

Anyway ... in other news ...

I got the tomatoes tamed a bit and cleaned up the garden. I need to see how everything weathered the storms. A number of big trees down on the road behind us (a bit scary when they went down) and huge run-off on the trail. They were powerful storms. 

Babysitting our grandson again today. Kids are all snotty too, so not really worried about spreading anything around. 

I have nothing in the mornings until Friday. This should be ultimate morning joy. I hope I can rally to appreciate such an unusual week. Not this morning though -- I'm in full blown pity party and worried mode. 

Well, that's enough cheer for this Memorial Day hah. 

Have a good Monday that feels like a Sunday. Later gators.