Overwhelmed, Dang

Good morning.

I hate to even go here, but it's what's on my mind this morning. 

This will be a surprise to no one.

You can say -- told you so or something stronger.

I'M SO OVERWHELMED (!!)

And it's totally, completely, 100% my fault. 

You all need to remind me, stop me, yell from the rafters ... a SPACE on the calendar isn't always a SPACE that needs to be filled. Voids are good. Free time is a must. Teeter with a moment of boredom.

Okay, if truth be told, the biggest issue is my mornings are rushed until god knows when -- as far as the eye can see (on the March calendar page, at least). I can manage the days once I get through the morning.

This means getting up early is a MUST and, you know it, I'm BARELY time adjusted. Still going to bed later than I should and morning wake ups are a rude awakening (literally). 

It's the push to get a workout in and a workout is massively important to how I feel, the hormone regulation, etc. With this lower energy, it so dang hard to workout extra early.

Where are my cancel days when I need them? I got one this week, but apparently it's not enough. 

What I want to be canceled is this weekend in Asheville. It's all work. Company, cleaning, dog with me, hosting, organizing. Shared with my sister, but still a whirlwind of work over three days. 

3 rushed days because I need to get home to volunteer and obligations ALL WEEK. 

I'm excited to see my family and my aunt and uncle, but I just saw them twice recently so it kind of, sort of, doesn't feel worth the effort. Horrible to say. Another weekend would've been fabulous. This timing is tough.

I pushed the trip to tomorrow (because of the grow room and the dog) so what did I do?!?

FILLED TODAY to the brim. 

Good lord. 

Taking my HS friend to lunch for her birthday. I AM happy we fit it in because I hate to not show birthday love to a friend in her actual birthday month, but what was I thinking?!? I don't have the energy for this today. Rush, rush, rush. Then I need to get ready for the trip tomorrow morning and more rush, rush, rush. 

I vow here, right now to stop filling my days so much. 

I need to remember this. 

Will I? Won't I? 

I've been scheduling appointments in the morning so I have my afternoons free for all-the-things. Nope. Doesn't work right now. I'm too tired in the mornings. I need to have that little bit extra sleep and that little bit extra time to be ready to workout. 

I've also been obligated to meetings and such in the evenings. Start the day too early, end the day too late with obligations and that makes days feel so much MORE. Time shift some of this stuff and all would be well.

Okay, I deciphered a few of the issues. Thanks for lending an ear. 

P.S. Yesterday was great. Lunch, garden tour, etc. Book fair setup went well. Back to volunteer with the kids on Tuesday. 

Hope you have a good day. Sorry for another rant. I need my hormones to get with the program -- mood, energy, etc. Later gators.

P.P.S. An email just popped up on the screen from my coaching program ... it's starts, "remember to leave clean space on your calendar." Well, that's some validation. Off to read the email. 

A List

I think a list is in order.

Yesterday was all over the map.

1. My hormones are out of whack. I started bleeding yesterday. It's not a period, but dang. The office was right to cut back my estrogen patch. 

2. The library shift was good, but probably a least favorite. Only 2 people at that time of day. I finished a Southern Gothic book from an author I saw speak last week. Beautiful writing, incredible imagination, but that gothic ick feeling.

Since I had a couple of hours left, I grabbed a copy of the very short The Great Gatsby -- another depressing book. Easy read to finish while I was there though. 

Between the 2 books -- not a "happy" feeling afternoon and that's on me.

My volunteer "payment" wasn't great either -- shelves are a bit bare after a big event. I found a couple of books, but not my usual exciting finds. I donated a bag of books from a friend too. She likes to give them to me to donate for some reason.

3. My garage is filled (annoyingly) with bags and boxes and a mattress for the volunteer task I did last week. I need to distribute the items after sorting, but crickets from the family members. There's another carload to pickup and sort and distribute too.

4. The women's group meeting was excellent -- great speakers. Met some inspiring local candidates. AND, I left feeling annoyed. A few things I said yes to, did the work I signed up for, etc just became BIGGER yeses that wasn't part of the original ask. When I questioned it, I got a bit of attitude back from a couple of people. "We all need to do our work for the cause" -- kind of response. 

I'm not at my best hormonally and I have a lot of balls in the air, and this is probably a reaction related more to both these things ... so I'm taking a beat. This morning I want to say a big screw-you to the situation, but I won't (of course). It would be nice to be ASKED and THANKED for the help instead of DO MORE because that wasn't nearly enough. 

Bonus: "That" person wasn't at the meeting.

5. My uncle got a stage 4 diagnosis with no treatment options. Hopefully, slow growing. Very sad. He's been the patriarch of the family after my dad died 26 years ago. He's 83 years old.

Some happier notes:

6. Volunteering in Clarkston today -- and invited to lunch ahead at my friend's house. She's making a salad from her garden. Garden and grow room tour too. Total joy. It's so lovely to be invited to share a homemade meal. Her other friend will be there too -- both ladies are calm and sweet and HUGE activists. Just what I need to regroup after last night.

7. Friends asked me to go to the botanical gardens to see the spring blooms, but I have an obligation already. It's very, very nice to be asked though. These are the ladies that came to rock paint. 

8. A bookclub friend reached out to do lunch and talk all-things-life-coaching. She's a life coach and I'm interested to hear her story. She's also a really nice person -- calm, kind. We're going out next week.

9. I reached out to my high school friend -- it's her birthday next week. We go to lunch for each other's birthdays. I was able to get it on the calendar for tomorrow. That's a win because my days are quite full and she's a full-time instructor with a busy schedule and we matched a last minute date. 

Her pick for her birthday. She and I have different tastes in food, but it'll be fun to try a new restaurant. It's a Mexican restaurant owned by a local diner. 

10. Last night SHOULD be the last overnight freeze. Garden covered. I forgot to water though. Oh no. Also, I planted flowers from seeds -- up and growing well and EVERY SINGLE ONE is GONE. Something had a good meal. Dang and you're welcome. 

I'm looking forward to a nice day. Feeling lousy is a pisser though -- it makes all the things a little bit off. I hope hormones settle down again.

Have a good one too. Later gators. 

Fairy Houses and a Rant

It was a total cancel day and it was just what I needed. 

I absolutely used the time wisely -- relaxing AND productive day. 

Yea, me. Not a given (as we know).

Working on the fairy houses and another one started. Sometimes the thing that clogs the works is deciding WHAT to paint. That's why I added a 3rd house because I'm momentarily out of ideas. 

Our back porch is getting screened in today. One day project. Do we believe it? I'm unavailable for the next 10 days if they need to finish up so, fingers crossed. What often happens is they think it's only a partial day so the early morning start happens hours late and then they can't finish. I sound a little bitter and burned, huh?!? I hope they prove me very wrong.

I'm working a library shift today. This is always so much fun -- and it seems like it would be boring, but it isn't. Of course, I don't volunteer very often and that's probably the reason. 3 hours of reading, talking about books, looking at books, organizing books, in the quiet of a library. Lovely. 

Then dinner out with my women's action group and the monthly meeting. It should be a good one (and a long, late night).

Bit of a rant ahead -- trying for short and sweet. You've been warned lol.

UPDATE: More than a bit ... hah!

"The" person who is giving me all this head drama and indecision, also belongs to the women's group. There was no way I could join and not tell her without a big fallout. She's a sideline gal though and has only attended 2 meetings -- nothing else with the group, even though she was heavily pumped for it at first. 

I don't think she's going tonight because the pickleball league she and my husband play in has makeup games tonight. And I'm so happy about it. 

She's also starting language that mildly puts the group down -- like she does with people. I hope this means it's fading out for her. I notice she does this -- if she's not the "most" in a situation compared to her friends, then it's poo on her shoe kind of thing. But she loves to watch -- join the group, see who's doing what, keep tabs. Sounds just like my mother. 

I really, really need to stop thinking about her. It happens when it looks like we'll see each other -- or I'm worried we'll see each other. Another sign she's not for me. If it was just her, I'd be long gone. It's this dang group and the women in the group that's holding me back. I like them.

That said, I trust my gut on this. It's not conformation bias. I've spent a lifetime with a mother who does things like this and I'm skilled at recognizing it. If you haven't had that experience, you won't recognize the game play. I haven't been wrong when I've seen it before, it's just that it's taken me so long to believe it because I question whether I'm seeing zebras instead of horses. 

Even with this person, my spidey senses were tingling from minute one, but I thought it was okay. And then there was something I disagreed with her on -- game on. I need to run for the hills at any tingling. I got drawn in and that's HER superpower. If you play the game like she wants you to, it's all sunshine and roses.

I know I have friend issues I'm working on, but those get worked on -- on my end. It's my reactions and expectations that I need to modify. And sometimes a behavior "feels" like something my mother would do, but it's not a pattern.

With this person it's an escalating pattern and that's the difference. I'm not reacting the way she's "demands" of her friends so she keeps upping the situation with me. When this happens with others in the group, they give in, acquiesce and it's over. Back to sunshine and roses. I don't because I decided I won't be treated like that anymore and won't bend myself in ways that aren't authentic to me. 

I think I need to get coached on it and stop ranting here lol. 

Okay, enough of that today. Got to get moving for the contractors arrival. Have a good day. Later gators.

It's a Cancel Day

I got everything done yesterday and it was an accomplishment. 

I showed up for myself.

Had a lot of fires -- on the volunteer front and personal front. 

Handled myself well.

Then I crashed. I slept SO SOUNDLY last night. I could feel it when I woke up. I dreamt vividly and I could tell I was processing the stress. What a difference a night's sleep makes. 

Today is a full cancel day (I expect) and I'm here for it (sort of).

1. Tuesday hike group. 

I need to be available for my aunt's procedure today in case she has another problem. That meant I needed to hike at the regular, agreed upon hiking time. So what happened? "That" person changed it, but first asked someone else in the group if she was okay with the change before she changed it. She was, I wasn't, but apparently my objection didn't count. And I already let her know I had a time constraint. MESSAGE RECEIVED (!!)

But, let's talk my crazy mind. I had a feeling the time would be pushed back because it's below freezing this morning. I said a little ... please god, I really wouldn't mind not hiking today. A pushed time would pull me out. 

Got my "prayer" answered and promptly was ... how dare she!!! Hah -- of course I was.

I know this is still about my indecision about staying in the group. Do I actually need to make a decision? Am I trying to create an issue so I will make a decision? Gray areas are tough for me. For absolutely sure, I won't quit on a bad note. I'll only leave if after a good hike I still feel like this isn't for me ... or should I say, SHE isn't for me. The group is fine. SHE is not. 

It's probably an ego thing too. We were the original Tuesday hikers. We made the decisions even when the group grew. Then she pushed me out and took full control. Now she's making it clear where I stand. She's done this to others -- it's game play for her. I don't want someone like this in my regular life. 

Okay, this is going down a rabbit hole I didn't plan. Not available to hike until April now so you can have a break until then lol! Moving on ...

2. Rock painting. 

My cancel friend texted last night. She has a cold that's lingering. Maybe she won't come with her granddaughter today. Decision this morning when she wakes up. Of course, I don't want a cold so a cancel is polite. If it doesn't happen today, I'll call it though. This is the 3rd time we scheduled. Setup takes work and effort. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. 

3. My aunt.

She's very hopeful that this 3rd go of things will be easier than the other 2. I'm still on-call, just in case, but she expects it's going to be unnecessary. Of course, the other 2 weren't meant to be hard either. 

Yesterday was a bit of shit storm. Today is smooth sailing. 

As usual, I need to use this unexpected time for GOOD, not for BAD (habits).

Paint.

Read.

Quiet time.

Reflection time. 

Writing postcards for the local campaign.

Restore myself. Fill my tank. Get ready for whatever is next. 

I feel a lot better this morning.

I'll leave it on that note since I've rambled enough this morning. 

Hope you're having a good day.

Later gators.

And Now a ...

... not really a mood exactly, but not feeling energized or off to a good start. 

I had a really nice Sunday, but I'm BROKEN today hah. A first outside run after the fall, lugging soil to my son's garden, a 2 year old for hours, horrible recovery sleep ... every little bit of me hurts. 

Oh, and the damn HOUR time change. Nope, I'm not adjusted. Yep, my body continues to be an hour off with EVERYTHING. Bedtime, wakeup time, hunger, morning bathroom (TMI). What the what is my problem?!?

Time change with babies, dogs, and apparently menopausal women is havoc. 

Storms and rain and severely dropping temperatures today. I have to go north to haul a carload of things in said rain and storms (volunteer situation). I looked at the calendar for a possible postponement, but I can't find a better option without canceling other plans.

I also have a few fussy things on today's to-do list that aren't bad, but feel like a lot because I slept so poorly. I need to shake off the cobwebs for the mental load of these issues. 

On that note, I think I'll go and try to do just that. Organizing my week always makes me feel better. I planned to do it last night, but I was hauling soil at 8 o'clock -- which really felt like 7 o'clock. (BUT, I'm very glad the garden bed is filled and finished -- part of my son's Christmas present from me). 

Hope you have a good Monday. I hope to rally this rocky start and redeem the day. Later gators. 

A Now a Good Mood

I'm enjoying the eclectic nature of my life right now. 

It feels fun and full and interesting (to me). 

(And, I know I also complain about "so much.")

I did the FS meditation (visualization) exercise a couple of weeks ago and one of the moments held an element of slowing down INSIDE. Enjoying what's happening now and not in my head 5 steps ahead -- wondering, planning, worrying. 

That's how it doesn't feel like too much. 

I'm practicing here and there. Yesterday was a good practice day and it made a difference. I don't often do it well -- and I forget all the time. Why?? It should be obvious, but it isn't.

Gardening.

Thrifting with my aunt.

Rock painting.

Porch time with hubby.

Author talk at the library with a friend.

Bookclub planning.

Movie night (Nuremberg).

Nothing felt overwhelming. I'll try the same today.

Another mashup day of all-the-things and I'm going to practice staying in each element and not working the day like JUST a to-do list. It has potential to feel like too much, but it won't be if I stay present. 

Can I? 

Will I? 

Maybe. 

Hopefully.

Painting a couple of mushroom fairy houses. Got these flat rocks at the thrift popup store for FREE.

Spring is springing. On the walk to the library in a vacant lot. How darling are these little flowers?

The thrift popup was spectacular. Organized, huge, nice things (all donated). My aunt and I went on the second day, but marking our calendars for next year to go day one. It's in March, but not the same weekend. Benefits a local town and they use donated space. We'll have to hunt down the date and location -- sort of thrifting to even find the popup.

The author talk was well worth the time -- very interesting. More on this as I read the book. I don't have it in front of me right now and I've chatted long enough this morning.

Okay, off to add some details to the fairy houses while I wait for the sun to come up. Hoping my aches and pains from the fall are okay enough to run outside this morning. 

Have a good Sunday. Later gators. 

Rocks and A Mood

Still on a rock painting streak.

Saw a few people taking pictures of the rock snake yesterday -- that makes me happy and hopefully gave them a little smile. 

(Is is a Rock Snake or a Snake Rock?)

Heads up ...

I'm a bit in a mood to ponder or complain or something this morning.

Had a bedtime drama again yesterday. It's not a big drama, but I'm trying to process how I feel about it. I had restless dreams over it.

The Tuesday hiking group mentioned the protest for the end of March. One of the woman's daughter helps organize the big Atlanta protest under the umbrella of an organization. It's fantastic that she's so involved. 

My town just got official permission (yesterday afternoon) to host a rally too and I know the woman who put it together. She organized a number of protests, a PRIDE walk, and other local events (all volunteer based). I want to support my town (and her) so I mentioned I was going to this protest instead -- gave my reason, kudos to the woman's daughter, etc. 

To me, this wasn't controversial. I waited until the protest got approved to mention it to our group. It's been back-and-forth and down to the wire to get an approval. The woman worked diligently (and she has a child, works full-time, etc) and our smaller protest needs people to attend. Without a lot of advanced notice, we need to spread the word.

I shared the link in case someone else wanted to go too or would pass the information along to friends and neighbors. A number of the protests have staggering times so people can attend more than one. Also, some people will absolutely not travel into downtown for a protest, but might be willing to go locally. 

It was not so subtly pointed out that the protest is not part of the original organization. I responded that ALL the protests have the same goal and it's great that there are many choices and opportunities. Crickets.

Now the group is divided. Some staying local (for convenience) and some going into Atlanta (defiantly because it's the official, official organization and that's where their loyalty lies).  I have no problem with any choice or any reason, but, what the hell is the snark about?!?

This kind of divide is a reason the left has trouble unifying. If you aren't EXACTLY doing left like I do left, then you aren't with me. Fractioned. Divided. Come on ladies -- do better than this! Haven't we learned this by now!?!?

Applaud everyone standing up. 

And, I'm going to bet money that the women who are up in arms about the local protest, don't do anything else. Don't make calls. Don't support local politics. Don't volunteer to help marginalized groups under attack. 

So shut up about "it's not official."

And, also, let's be clear -- these protests are about gathering to lift each other up. In and of themselves, they're not going to change the government. It's a networking opportunity, community building, momentum inducing. 

Probably the big Atlanta protest will be way more of this feeling and I'd actually love to go, BUT ... {all the reasons I said to support the local protest.} I was ready to go downtown. All set with MARTA. All set with a plan. And, I decided to pivot. 

It's disheartening to see this divide. 

I want to open up a conversation about it, but not on a text thread. I hope the people who are upset hike on Tuesday so I can talk to them. Let's work through this and be solidly together in our fight. 

Okay, that's enough of that. 

Today should be a good day. Big thrift pop-up market with my aunt this morning (last minute add-on) and a local author talk at the library this afternoon. 

Fun day. Need to move out of this mood though.

My plans for tomorrow and Monday are a bit messed up because of the volunteer crisis. I need to spend time up north both days. Trying to rearrange things. 

Have a good Saturday. Later gators.