Sad, Hard Day Ahead

This is a hard day.

I'm going on a mountain walk to see succulents that bloom for a short time on granite formations. This is my 3rd year. 

My friend who lost her husband was coming. I never expected she'd still want to go. She texted yesterday and asked if she and her daughters could come. Of course, yes. She said she wants to see me and get out of the house. 

I canceled with the other 2 friends and they completely understood. 

This will be hard today. I don't know what to say. How to behave. What they need. 

A distraction?

To talk?

To cry?

Maybe all of the above?

I'll take the cues from them, but there is such a responsibility to be with people in the most acute time of their grief. 

And, I know this doesn't matter, but I have a hard time crying in front of people. I expect they expect I will cry when I see them. Maybe I will. I hope I will, a little. I feel sad enough to cry, but often don't in this kind of situation. The exception is the funeral -- if there's music, I will absolute cry. If it's certain music, I will work hard to not sob.

I've cried a bit since he died, and I actually wish for a good cry at some point (by myself) to process some of the sadness and shock. I think they'll think that I'm not sad enough if I don't cry, but that's not true. I have so much sadness and it's stuck deep inside for now.

I hardly slept. I have a stomach ache. I want to be a help. I want to give them whatever it is they're looking for today and why they decided to come.

Years ago I had a friend who lost her husband and I never cried in front of her, but cried often for her and her daughters. And, I was a friend that was there for her more than any other (she told me this years later). Late night help. Companionship. Christmas shopping. Driving. Cleaning out the garage. Anything she needed, for years. 

I'm deeply honored that my friend wants to be with me today. I hope I live up to our friendship in a way she needs.

I'm okay however they show up. They can cry the entire time. Or laugh. Or walk in silence. Talk about their father and husband. Not talk about him. 

Their emotions are okay and I know how to sit with them.

I don't know how they want me to show up though.

Am I being too carefree?

Am I being too sad and down?

Am I talking about him too much, too little?

And I know they don't even know -- it will change on a dime and each person will need/have a different experience. I hope they're open to hugs. I often think holding someone physically is such a powerful emotional support (unless they don't like to be touched). 

Goodness. I said a deep prayer last night to please let me show up well. And I also asked that the mountain shows up too -- nature is healing and beautiful. It's as powerful as a hug and I want them to feel it. My friend is deeply connected to nature and I hope this experience makes her feel held. She's never seen the blooms or this mountain. It won't hold a memory for her. It can be a little glimmer that life moves forward. It can also make her feel connected to something bigger and connected to his spirit. 

Thanks for listening this morning. 

WHAT A DAY (!!)

What a day! 

I couldn't have asked for anything better. 

HUGE turnout.

Energy through the roof.

Community.

Kindness. 

What a lift for our spirits. 

I met wonderful people. A Muslim mother and her daughters on the way to a festival stopped to protest. We exchanged numbers and her story is beautiful. Almost 90 year old women who needed a bit of medical TLC at the end. Said they haven't been able to attend a NK protest because there wasn't a local one. They stayed the entire time. And so many more stories ...

Every kind of diversity. And every kind of kindness to each other.

THIS is the country I want. I could cry thinking about the goodness that showed up.

Semi-trucks coordinating their air horns at the light to join the chant beat. 

People cheering and clapping from car windows. 

So many happy car horns.

(Very, very few angry cars.)

The clever signs. And costumes. 

The little kids with their parents.

Teenagers fully engaged.

Seniors.

Dogs with signs. 

Wheelchairs.

Walkers.

Leg casts.

People who were heading to another protest.

People who didn't know, drove by, stopped, and JOINED.

They all came.

I brought one sign and shared it with an older woman with mobility issues. Helped her set up and she wanted the sign. She stayed the entire time too. She came by herself, brought a new walker so it had a chair seat and apologized for not having a sign. Seriously?? This is the kind of people who showed up in droves. The efforts they made to be there in person.

The protest hadn't even started.
And she was there and ready.
An hour early.

I want to hold onto this feeling. Why can't THIS be how we gather? 

Maybe we should dare to dream it so and then take ACTION to make it so.

I hope you experienced this feeling of community and collective love too -- wherever and however you were able to show up.

Later gators.

Protest Day!!!

I had a really good "people" day yesterday.

Friday's standing meeting was a big group, high energy, lots of good news. THAT is what the anticipation of today's protest brought (literally) to the table. The owner of the coffee house said, I've never heard you all laugh so much. We startled the little baby who's often there with his mom and grandma with the outbursts of collective laughter (oops).

Table number -- it was a sign :)

The energy is high for today.

Lunch with a bookclub friend was amazing. She's a wonderful person to talk with -- we hung out all afternoon. Lovely day. 

Restaurant is Peruvian and the owner couldn't be nicer. We got a bunch of taste tests of all the homemade items. Everything is GF and dairy-free. 

My friend who lost her husband texted me and might want to still come on the nature walk Monday. It's a maybe for her and I told her I can accommodate anyway she wants -- including postponing with the others in the group. I don't think it will happen, but I hope this means she'll work to keep her head above water as she heads to the deepest parts of grief yet to come. She's in shock and I'm sure it hasn't completely set in. It's a small respite and relief to have little bits of "normal." 

Oh -- today is my eldest and DIL's 5 year anniversary. Amazing. 

Okay, I debated going into this today, but here it goes. It's a mood ... a rant ... a something. So if you want to leave on the high notes above, feel free.

Remember the little drama of who from the hiking group was going where for the protests today? "That" person decided to go local because she can walk to the protest site. I was surprised, because, as I said, the downtown one is more interesting, etc. She singled out names to park at her house (not me). She lives on the other side of town, considerably closer to the protest than I am -- no offer to me.

I'm going local because of specific reasons -- would totally prefer to head downtown for the bigger event.

There was no chatter on the main group text about today. Still stuff about politics and hiking, etc, but nothing about logistics. So I texted another person in the group and asked where she was headed today. 

Downtown. The entire group changed their minds again (as I think they should -- as I would have in their shoes).

But ... SHE never told me plans had changed. She thinks I'm heading up expecting to see people from our hiking group. I would've looked for them. They've apparently started a separate text thread (I'd bet money that's she's the one who did). I also know that the people in the group would expect she would've told me. I also imagine (from past experience of what she's done with others) that she would've intimated that I knew.

I trust my gut on this. This IS game play, power play, whatever you want to call it. 

I'd like to be friends with the other women in the group, but she's going to make it difficult. People like this have a superpower to be able to ride in the uncomfortable as long as necessary. They play chicken and often win. They continue to escalate until they get what they want. We're in that escalation phase right now.

I need to decide if the other women are worth my level of uncomfortable.

Because this occupies TOO MUCH of my thoughts. 

I had a great day yesterday, and THIS is what my mind is focusing on.

Now, that said, my superpower (given to me by dealing with my mother) is I know how to NOT give her what she wants. 

A reaction of any sort.

Letting her know something landed. 

That I give 2 shits about it. 

A gray stone ... as is the new term. 

This conflict brings out sides of me that I don't like -- either I want win at her game OR I want to fix this in a way that doesn't stay true to myself. 

Ugh. It's tough. It's much easier to walk away, but I wonder if my lesson is how to navigate this in another way. Can I stand up for myself and NOT care about her reaction? Can I disengage from the game play (it's not really a game if I don't play too, right)?

Outwardly, that's what I'm doing today. It's the internal bits I need to work on.

I'm talking about this now, but I'm deciding to not give it any more energy today. Thoughts pop up and I won't engage them. Force my focus on people that matter to me. Shift my energy. Easy to say, hard to do.

Practice THIS. Maybe that's the way to REALLY not care, not just pretend to not care. 

So that ends my rant. I won't guarantee it won't happen again, but I WILL continue to practice not giving it focus or energy for too long.

Quick picture of the fungus (I think it's a fungus) that looks like barf -- found it on a walk yesterday. Fascinating.

I'm excited about the protest. Great weather. Good people. Collective energy. 

Let's have a safe day as we stand up!!!!!!!

Later gators. 

A Few Updates

What a sad way to be reminded to LIVE life. When someone is taken too young, too soon, we owe something to their passing -- it should shift us, remind us, affect us. 

Every time we've had losses like this, we've made changes. and we will this time too. 

Probably about my relationship with my husband. Nothing is wrong, but we've been taking time for granted and we need to focus on us as a couple more. Living parallel lives, not prioritizing our time, feeling like we HAVE time. 

My heart is broken for my friend and her daughters. And we lost a friend too.

Here's a few little recaps from the last couple of days.

Added another rock. Ran into a neighborhood woman (we see each other on occasion) while I was placing it. She and her grandsons are going to add to the snake too.

My across-the-street neighbor paints and she's going to come over to do a rock too. The snakes are growing (!!)

Shopped the rock quarry for another batch of snake rocks and some smaller ones. It's a best value of the year winner -- HUGE bag for $6. Rocks are washed and dried and ready to paint. Had to dry them inside because we're in the THICK of YELLOW pollen season. It covers everything in minutes. 

Made this sign. I can't carry signs on Saturday because I'm marshaling the event, but I made another one anyway -- there will be more protests. Modeled after the sign I saw in Asheville.

Today is a people day. 

Standing Friday meeting followed by lunch with a bookclub friend. She's a life coach and we've talked about getting together to chat all things life coaching. She's a first person I've met in the wild who uses life coaching AND she became one. So interesting. I'm looking forward to hearing her story. We knew each other for about 6 months before I asked about her job -- I thought she worked at the university with the woman who brought her into the group. Imagine the surprise ...

I need a people day. 

I spent time on the phone with friends talking about our friend and this horrible loss, but a distraction and face-to-face time with good people feels very welcomed today.

Hope you have a good day. Later gators. 

Very Sad Day

We had horrible news yesterday. 

A good friend died suddenly. 

This was the husband of my friend who came over to paint rocks. We were suppose to go on a hike Monday. She invited me to the Botanical Gardens yesterday, but I couldn't go. 

The friend who joined for all of this too called me. They were at the gardens when the call came (her daughter found him). Hour of traffic to get home. They had to wait outside for the entire afternoon while the authorities did an investigation. 

My husband considers him a close friend. They get together almost every week. We've traveled with them and had plans to do more.

He was one of the good guys. He was the only husband of a friend who I considered an actual friend too. We have a strong connection to another friend who we knew at different times -- absolutely crazy.

Funny, kind, great conversationalist, upbeat -- everyone loved him. No exaggeration. 

When they say only the good die young -- this is that. 

He will be so missed and we are heartbroken for my friend and her daughters. 

I'll leave it at that today. 

Godspeed, my friend. 

Hang On, Little Ones

And then there was one ...

I trough planted 3 tomato plants, but only one survived the night.

Two were flopped over and wilted when I took the cover off.

Most of potted ones seem okay so far -- a few are pretty sad looking though.

Geez.

Duke and I went for a walk yesterday and saw this flowering tree. The micro branches on the trunk have bloomed too. Little pops of color.

Volunteering was great. This community and the school are full of amazing people. If the a*#holes who hate "others" would just SEE people ... I really hate the extremist Christians. Not MY God. Not my Christianity. Not Jesus' either.

Today begins the more chill part of the week. Still things to do, still a schedule, but SPACE. Not a lot, but enough. 

As always, a reminder to use the time for GOOD (not sofa slugging with a bowl of junk food -- which happens way too often). I'm still practicing on how to relax in better ways. 

Short and sweet this morning ... except for my little hate on the haters. 

Have a good day.

Later gators.

Leggy -- What to do??

I may have screwed up the grow room -- probably, actually. Eeeek.

I planted too early and the tomatoes grew too fast -- they're leggy and weak. In order to accommodate their big growth, I had to raise the light which, in turn, has made some other plants reach up and get leggy. I didn't realize how bad it was because they were supporting each other and they looked full. I took a pot out to assess the roots and the tomato flopped over at the soil level immediately. Ouch.

The first year I seeded, I traveled for a couple of weeks so I delayed the recommended seeding time by a about a month. This year I didn't, seeded when I "should," and now I'm a few weeks from outdoor planting and in a pickle. 

In researching, I also learned I should've slowed down the growth of the tomatoes by lowering the temperature of the heating pad once they germinated. Now I know. Oh -- and cherry tomato plants are extra fast growers.

Geez.

What to do?? Lordy, I hope Mother Nature is forgiving and the plants can adapt. 

I repotted some of the tomatoes in deeper pots (tossed a few that were very weak), and trenched planted a few outside (covering at night) to see if they'll take. I'm hardening the tomatoes this week. Once I can get them in the ground, I can plant deeper and solve the issue. The problem is I'm technically 3 weeks out and I don't have pots deep enough. I might be able to move the outdoor planting up a week or so. 

Staked and waiting to go back
outside in a few hours.

They're getting a few hours outside when temps are over 55 and I have 2 new lights for inside dedicated to just the tomatoes.

I also added a fan to the grow room to help the other plants get sturdier. Come on little peppers. 

Live and ALWAYS continue to learn -- extra true for gardeners. It's so easy to make a mistake. I don't have a natural green thumb. It's trial and TONS of error for me and my little garden.

Anyway ... that was most of yesterday. Potting, fixing, hoping. I was tired and dirty by the evening so I watched the City Council meeting remotely instead of going. So glad I did -- I sagged out after 90 minutes when it was only agenda item 3 of 9. I wonder if they tabled some of the items due to time. 

I'm volunteering all day today and have a virtual meeting at 7:30 tonight. I'm pleased being in groups with age diversity, but that means people work, have young kids, and their availability is later ... after dinner, homework, sports, etc. Dang. Another flanked day -- early and late. 

The good news is this is the last of the evening stuff this week. I'm invited to a sign making party on Thursday, but it's at 7 o'clock and it's a nope for me. I have 3 signs, making a couple more at home, AND won't be carrying any of them to this protest since I'm marshaling (hence the meeting tonight). Many reasons to not go, but I love being invited. If this were earlier, I would've gone (even 5 o'clock would be okay) to enjoy being in community with friends, but the host is a night owl and it's too late for me hah!

Have a good day. I need to remind myself today is Tuesday. It feels like a Monday for sure. Later gators.