Already Friday

As much as I don't love a day that's an early morning and a "late" evening, yesterday was a good day.

I cried in the car on the way to see my friend -- some music got me. When I saw her, we had a long hug and a cry too. I'm glad I shared that moment with her. 

Half the garden is planted. More to come on Monday (as of now). 

We talked for an hour before we got to gardening. I hate this awful loss for them and for him too. Sadly, it was preventible and that's heartbreaking. He had a fear of medical things, and never saw a doctor, and ignored some significant symptoms weeks leading up to his passing. Friends and family urged him to go to the doctor, but the fear won out. 

I spent the afternoon fussing around the house. 

Rock painted. 

Hard boiled eggs from my neighbor's chickens. 

A little gardening on my gardens too.

Added "Snoopy"

Such pretty colors

A couple of quick rocks.

The evening meet and greet with local and state candidates was well worth my effort. Some incredible people running. Being with a group of friends and others who feel the same felt like a shot in the arm to keep going, keep working. Clouds and a breeze came in for the evening and it was a beautiful night to walk and sit outside. 

Now a minute on what I was coached on with "that" person. 

I'm proud of how I'm progressing on this front. Standing in the uncomfortable because I know what's right for me. Understanding why this is difficult. Not engaging or initiating contact. Keeping her out of my head as much as I can. This is still work in progress (because we're in a group together), but the coaching tools are helping. 

She isn't someone I want in my life on that level. Once you see behind the curtain, you can't unsee it. I don't like who she is and I don't like who I am around her. 

I'm breaking that ick of energetic connection and not wasting MY energy on the relationship. Either to try and stop the uncomfortable (by acquiescing) or going head-to-head to not let her "get away with it."

It's amazing how often my mind offers up thoughts or ideas on either side of that coin. Every single time I remind myself, nope, I don't engage AND I'm so proud of how I'm showing up. Basically a big round of applause each time I show up how I want to show up. And each time it gets a little easier. Positive reinforcement for the win (and a couple of other tricks from coaching). 

There was a situation yesterday and I'm happy how I handled it -- both forward facing and in my mind. {*applause*}  I'm clearing out my head faster and the uncomfortable feeling is substantially less. All about practicing and telling myself a better story and cheering myself on.

Okay, that's that for today. Heading to run outside, Friday coffee meeting, and lunch with my new neighbor. Then getting to work on the family trip coming up next week. A conversation for another day ... and, yep, it's all about overwhelm. Of course. There's only so much I can change about myself at any given time hah. Overwhelm is taking a backseat to what I chatted about. May is a month of overwhelm potential. You've been warned lol. I'll try to keep it reined in. 

Later gators.

A Friend's Garden

My friend who lost her husband (our friend too), said yes to me helping plant her garden. We belong to the same farm program and pickup for summer planting was this week.

I offered to pickup and plant for her. 

She said yes because she would miss having a garden this year. 

She wants to do it together.

This is my first time seeing her since he passed.

Her gardens are directly in the ground and apparently need a lot of work. She thinks we'll have to do the front today and the back on Monday. She's had these gardens for a few years so I'm not sure why so much work, but I trust she knows what she's doing.

My car is full of soil bags and I'm heading over EARLY today. She hasn't been able to sleep well, so she suggested a 7 o'clock start. Lordy. She's usually not a morning person so I didn't count on such an early start.

The decision to pull out of that meeting yesterday was so good for me. I needed a slow-roll day (especially a morning). The day was productive, but restful with quiet space. I need those kind of days sometimes. Especially ahead of today -- emotional day, unexpected morning, etc. 

My guess is I'll feel incredibly sad being at their house and seeing her, and cry on my way home. That's usually how it goes for me. That said, I wish I could cry a bit when I see her. It feels cold if I don't, but I promise I feel very deeply, it just gets stuck until I'm alone. I will cry at funerals (and weddings for that matter) because of the music -- that gets the emotion moving.

Hubby is golfing all day and I'll have space this afternoon to be with my feelings too. Man, I miss our friend. I can't believe he's gone. He was quirky and funny and curious and kind. 

Tonight I'm walking (little walking flex) to a meet and greet with some local and state level candidates. It starts at 6 -- praise be for that little bit earlier start. Evening meetings love to start at 7 o'clock. 

It's a flanked day -- the kind I'm trying to avoid regularly.

Early obligation, late obligation. 

Best get going. Have a good day. Later gators.

On the Other Side of Cancel

I took the bull by the horns and did something I don't often do. 

I pulled out of the volunteer meeting today. It's a 2 hour, morning meeting, didn't apply to my current situation, although I usually learn something. It's almost an hour away in morning traffic. 

I don't often cancel for this kind of reason. 

Rarely, if ever.

I try to anticipate and say 'no' rather than cancel. 

I push around the obligation instead of backing out.

But ...

SPACE was more important today. 

The things that used up my space this week took priority.

Now I can slow roll today.

Time to garden.

Quiet things for me. 

Still a full day, but nothing is rushed.

I know I'm a broken record about my calendar, but we have 2 trips in May that are a lot of prep work, plus obligations in-between. We leave on the first one next week. I blocked a number of days on the calendar from now until the last week in May. 

My goal is to NOT be rushed. 

Full is okay. 

Rushed is not. 

Let's see if this works. 

Yesterday was a long and fun day with my grandson. Chasing after a two year old is no joke, even a sick one. I managed to water the indoor plants during his nap though and that's always a big thing off my list. I crawled into bed last night and was out immediately. Didn't even read.

Speaking of reading ...

I finished this book and really enjoyed it. Loved the format. Interesting "mystery." Spoke to assumptions about others. Well done. It's making rounds with lots of good reviews. 

I'm reading this and it's another good one.

I have 2 books vying for the next spot and the coveted time in Asheville (where I tend to read more). Although this trip is with family, so I might not have as much time for teahouse and patio reading. Stay tuned.

Hope you have a good day. Later gators. 

Oh, Universe ... Seriously?

Well, the white space on the calendar disappeared. 

That was quick. 

I swear the universe taunts me when I make a declaration.

My friend confirmed Thursday and asked for a few favors which I am absolutely glad to help so the calendar filled up a few slots.

I was set to pickup my grandson after school today (with the rest of the day free) and he's home sick. 

Now ALL DAY babysitting. 8am - 5pm.

Huge calendar chunk gone for today and that was my last white space. 

I'm happy to spend the day with him though.

Add to everything ... I need to actually push some chores into my other days so not only NOT slow days, but now full days with rushed mornings. 

Geez. 

Can I do better?

Should I do better?

Is it really too much?

Lots of questions, and no answers.

Anyway ... yesterday.

Interesting day. 

The hike was beautiful. You couldn't dial a nicer hiking moment. It was chilly to start with a hearty breeze. Tree leaves have just sprouted so the trail was mostly shaded. Beautiful views. Rolling hills with a couple of easy climbs. 

Clear sky -- see for miles

Looks like a boar

We hiked one loop together and then I hiked it again solo. 

"It's so nice, I hiked it twice." -- the hiking club says this a lot hah.

Just under 9 miles of perfection.

I haven't been hiking a lot lately and I didn't realize how much I miss it.

It's been years since I've hiked this side of the mountain. A Girl Scout troop made a Fairy Trail on a little offshoot loop. It was so much fun. Fairy houses and such everywhere. 

And a snake rock at the visitor center. New programs for the community. A little garden too. Adult fitness classes. I should add this to the rotation. The drive was tough with traffic though -- a full hour, but only 35 minutes back. Sunday mornings might be a good time to go -- easy traffic and if I go early enough, not crowded.

Petra, a "community" snake

My friend asked me to join her and her brothers next year to hike the Grand Canyon. Oh man, what an adventure and I can't do it. There's a section that runs along a cliff line with no rails. Too big of a risk for me, but I wish I wasn't so chicken. The rest sounds doable and incredible.

She's going to join me in Asheville in June -- so she says now. The week that marks menopause for me. The week the Tuesday hiking group ghosted a response. Now, this friend is known to cancel, but it's fine whether she comes or not and doesn't change much of anything for me. I sort of asked her on a whim, but I'll be happy if she holds the commitment. It'll be fun. We have a lot of interests in common and the week's plans are totally up her alley.

Okay, going to get moving along. Lots of prep for a little man this morning. Hubby is gone most of the day so it's just the 2 of us. 

Today is my son's 32nd birthday. Doesn't seem possible. Happy birthday! 

Have a good day. Later gators.

Weekend Recap

Good morning. 

Well, bookclub. Lordy, lordy. 

The one woman who was confirmed to go (who asked me not to cancel), canceled an hour before. "I'm just not going to be able to make it today -- let's take a raincheck." Ugh. She does this regularly. I think there's more to her story involving either anxiety or depression. 

One of my friends who was a maybe (for legitimate reason) saw the cancel and texted me she wanted to come unless I had had enough. I told her she didn't need to feel an obligation -- I was going regardless. She came. We had a nice, long conversation and brunch.

I appreciated that she validated what was happening. Last minute cancels, I had to reach out, ZERO apologies, lame excuses, no consideration for me. She said she was embarrassed for them -- acting that way. Group dynamics where you don't take any responsibility for your individual actions. Believe it or not, I didn't complain or bring it up. I told her I appreciated it and felt seen (she's a life coach and you can tell).

I'm taking a break for the summer. We both thought it was a good idea. Maybe gathering more informally if anyone is interested, but not planning anything. I hope this isn't the end of bookclub. It hangs by a very thin thread. 

WORTH REPEATING though ...

BTW, the run with Duke was great. Shade, breeze by the water. 

Walking to brunch, I stopped at the opening day of our town's Farmer's Market. Wow. It's twice as big. What a glow-up. Ran into some people I knew -- small town feel, just what I want. Got some local stuff. Looking forward to going again.

The author talk was okay, my least favorite of the ones I've attended though. The talk itself was boring. The moderator was another known author (although I didn't know her) and her questions and energy were blah. The best questions came from the audience. The author seemed like she had a happy personality and was funny at times, but the moderator kept stopping the banter and not engaging with her. An attitude like let's just get this over. (BTW -- I'll chat about books soon, including the one from the event.)

The event itself was well done with lots of work from the volunteers. Tea and homemade scones. Give aways. I sat with some other solo goers at a front table and we chatted books. That was the best part. 

The birthday celebration was an excellent family day. Lots of last minute work, but worth it. We had family laughs and the garden salad was spot on. Love bragging and sharing garden goodies. 

I painted this rock. How cute and simple. I copied from IG.

I picked up two flats of plants from the farm program. Gave some away to my son and need to squeeze the rest into the garden. Right now they're sitting on my kitchen counter because it's 42 degrees. Beautiful, cool morning, but too cool for summer seedlings. Good lord, this rollercoaster weather. (Great for me, great for spring plants, NOT great for the summer littles. I hope the seedlings just emerging are okay. I'll be able to reseed if I need to.)

Hiking with a former neighbor (and friend) today back at my old stomping grounds. She won't hike long, so I'll do a few solo miles. She's another one apt to cancel. I didn't get a confirmation text as she usually does, but also not a cancel text either. I could've reached out, but I'm over organizing and following up and babysitting people's calendars right now. I'm hiking regardless. We'll see if she shows up. I expect she will. 

We're occasional friends. She started a dog boutique and that ended most of our socializing because she was occupied with the business. We used the boutique for grooming and saw her more at work than two doors down from our house. She closed the store due to a leasing issue and is probably moving to AZ in a year or two. She a temporary, occasional friend now. She still does a dog walking service so she's tied up most days from late morning on. We're hiking early today. Probably. Hopefully.

This week is quite open. I'm on-call to help my friend who lost her husband and I'm holding time open until I hear from her and her schedule. There's no expectation that it'll happen, but I'm here if she needs me. 

It's kind of a win for me too. Forces me to white-space calendar blocks and that allows some slow days. Even if she needs me, it won't be all the availability I offered. As usual, I want to use that time for good. Quiet time. Reading time. Creative time. Gardening. Things that fill my cup. 

Best get going. I have a 45 minute drive to the hike and we're going as soon as the park opens. This early isn't my preference, but it's a great way to start a Monday and the week. Hope you are off to a good start too. Later gators. 

Pictures and a Reflection (no rant, I promise)

Let's start with pictures.

I put out a little plant stand with a shelf my aunt gave me. People took a few of the peppers -- I hope more go this weekend. I LOVE sharing the garden --  never gets old!! I shared plants with my neighbor and he returned the pots with more farm eggs from his FIL. Neighbors and community -- very grateful.

Added a frog rock to the "other" snake.

Walking Duke to put out the rock and saw these guys.

Saw him fly and land.
Beautiful.
And the funniest water walking.

I'm trying so hard to get out of this maddening mood. 

I took charge of a few things and it feels a bit better.

I also got coached on Thursday and it was helpful.

Some tips and tricks (so to speak) to deal with "that" person who has reared her head again.

It's a visualization exercise and I like it.

The hardest part -- I need to practice this technique every time I start ruminating on the situation. Something happened last night and I woke up thinking about it. Practicing, practicing this morning. Also trying to reframe the more that comes my way, means more practice, means the better get.

I won't go into details, because I don't want to give it (her) any more of my energy right now. 

Off to the boardwalk trail this morning. I decided to use my newly acquired knowledge of the trail to run with Duke. I'd say it's a positive spin on my efforts, but it's actually a spite run. 

Look what you missed -- beautiful early morning along the river. 

I'm doing it anyway.

Screw everyone. 

Yes, I wish I was a more evolved person, but, obviously I'm not. Somehow taking this little spite moment makes me feel better. It's probably an immature way to deal with it, but here I am. It feels like I'm taking my agency back. Focusing on the one thing that's guaranteed -- my relationship with myself. 

I won't cancel.

I see the effort.

I appreciate me.

I have a fun time with myself. 

All true ...

... but, it's more than a bit of -- I don't need anyone and you didn't disappoint me. And that's the "unhealthy" part. Problem for another day though -- probably requires therapy hah. Maybe someday. 

As much as I'm complaining, the day WILL be nice.

The run will be pretty in the cool-ish weather morning along the river. 

Walking into town to meet one bookclub woman for brunch. If she cancels, me and a book instead.

Grabbing sour dough from a local bakery.

Walking to an author talk in the afternoon.

Home to bake and cook for the birthday lunch tomorrow.

The day hits many FS buttons. THIS is what I need to focus my thoughts on. Geez. So much good getting muddied by nothing important. Got to keep training my mind -- it's all about practicing out of this bad habit and practicing into something different. 

Hope you have a good day too. Later gators.

Eeeek, A Rant

Welcome to a rant. 

It's been a minute.

But I'm having a rant moment this morning. 

Hello, bookclub. Let's start with you. 

Crickets on responses for tomorrow so I texted the group earlier in the week.

Lots of "oh, sorry, change of plans" or "I'm now a maybe" which is the chicken version of 'no.' 

Pet-peeve: Why do I need to reach out to YOU?!? If you can't come now, say something.

But 2 people said yes. Okay, I'll put in the work. And I did. Figured out the trail, the parking, the instructions, the timing. 

BTW, I let the group know this -- I will figure this out during the week and text back with details. I explained the situation. Let them know this was an effort on my part.

(On the upside, I'm now oriented enough to be able to instruct someone to meet on the path -- it's confusing where to park and how to meet. And Duke and I had a nice morning walk.)

I sent the text yesterday with all the details and pictures to help, etc. Well done, ME. 

And one of the 2 people backed out. She doesn't want to walk in the heat with her tendency for migraines. 

I totally understand, but WHY was this a last minute revelation? 

The forecast hasn't changed.

When I sent the text earlier in the week, I said it was going to be a HOT day.

Hello.

This leaves exactly ONE person (the person who is notorious for canceling at the very, very last minute). 

So I texted, let's cancel. She responded, let's just do the brunch. 

Okay -- anyone in? What time? 

CRICKETS.

Not one response, including her. 

It's rude. Really rude. 

Now the life-coached part of me will say this is my doing. 

No one forced me to do the work, etc. 

I could have tapped out at any point. 

All true AND it's ridiculously frustrating.

Now let's talk FAMILY BIRTHDAY.

Sent a text a couple of weeks ago. 

Does this day work to celebrate? This Sunday.

Got a response from one person, my DIL ... and crickets from the rest.

She's married to the birthday boy, so I took that as a go-ahead to plan Sunday.

I texted again last week with an idea of HOW to celebrate. 

Very interesting indoor mini-golf that I had a chance to play.

They open early, serve food. Not weather dependent. 

Won't be crowded Sunday at 11 o'clock.

Happy that I had this idea.

Works for all of us -- including my grandson.

My DIL responded again -- sounds fun. No one else responded.

I texted the birthday boy last night.

Let's do something else, he says.

Okay, what? 

I don't know, you decide.

But I already decided.

Put it out to the family text again. We're gathering on Sunday to celebrate. Something outside. Details to come. Who's in and what time works for everyone?

Crickets. 

Family May Day Weekend.

You guessed it. Same.

Please do all the work, but we won't respond or make a decision in advance to give you time to organize. 

All we'll do is veto ideas and timing, etc.

Hike group trip to Asheville.

We want to do this.

Let's do this.

Hey, you plan it since you know Asheville so well.

(Even though one woman grew up in Asheville and 2 people have family there.)

Throw out dates.

I did. Crickets. One 'maybe' who texted yesterday since no one else responded, she doesn't want to take time away from her pickleball and hiking -- TWO MONTHS from now. (This is "that" person, so I'm not at all disappointed.)

THIS I tapped out of -- dead in the water. I won't ask, plan again. If someone else takes the reins, I'll be happy to go, but I've had enough. 

Damn this theme AGAIN (!!)

Wondering if there's a lesson in it for me?

Is this a nudge to do things differently?

Or is this just part of a wide life?

When this pattern hits, I want to be cynical and pull out of everything. 

Screw you all.

I'll go do things by myself and be very content.

Reminding myself to only agree to what works for me. 

(Which sounds selfish, but when I'm the one doing the lifting, I get to make that choice.) 

I had no faith in bookclub this month. People like the IDEA of physical activity, but it's what gets canceled the most. The weather. They're tired. Their knee is bothering them. It takes too much time. Many people don't actually enjoy it. It's more of an aspirational idea to them.

I knew this. I felt this in my bones. 

Especially with this group, most of whom aren't very active.

AND I agreed to it. 

AND I made the effort anyway.

That's on me.

But I wanted to be a team player. Not just my ideas. 

Maybe a perspective is to be proud of myself for showing up the way I want to show up. I kept up my side of the deal. And now I need to make a choice about tomorrow. If I don't hear from anyone by the end of my Friday coffee meeting, I'm going to make a decision that works for me, and if people join, fine. 

Okay, I like this idea. Maybe I won't wait until that late. Maybe I'll text them all early because that's what works for me. 

I DO have a good day planned today so this mood shall pass. Sometimes I think the mood is telling me I need to do something different. In this case, be finished compromising. I've compromised enough.

Have a good day and hopefully a good start to the weekend. Later gators.