We Made It

The drive to Asheville was uneventful. Duke and I stopped for a little doggie break and a car picnic (hiking sammie), and made it here in good time. Why the worry?? I still think it's hormones. 

It was a good choice to stay back last night. My sister called at 8:30 -- they'd just finished up dinner. Duke would've been upset being here alone and I was already tucked in bed when she called. 

This isn't a usual trip to Asheville -- I might not get even ONE stop at the teahouse {*clutches pearls*}. A first in FIVE YEARS (!!)  This is a visit with my aunt and uncle that happens to be in Asheville. My uncle is recovering from 2 strokes and he doesn't have stamina to walk or do much without a rest. Add my dog home alone to the mix, and that gobbles up a lot of time.

I'm very lucky to have my aunts and uncles -- I'm close to all of them. More than half are in their 80s now and I know we have limited time to be together. As much as this weekend's timing wasn't good, I'm glad I came. These memories are important. And they're an inspiration on how to age and how to hold a close family.

Duke and I will walk this morning in the north Asheville neighborhoods. I won't go up the mountain with him and bears. I'll see what little bits of MY fun I can squeeze in today. We'll head out late morning tomorrow. 

A little Asheville delight is I have the windows open and the first birds of the day have started singing. It's loud (robins, I think) and happy -- smells like fresh rain too. Storms overnight with wind through the windows -- it was such a flashback to childhood. We never ran the AC, always window open and I loved the breeze and rain smell at night. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators.

Duke and Me and Asheville

Asheville or bust today.

I'm a little bit nervous. Strange for me and Asheville. Taking this trip with Duke, sans hubby, has me feeling out of sorts about it. Worried about things that don't worry me.

Sneaky feeling this is hormones -- suddenly nothing is stable. It might be a last push from my body before full menopause. 

Yesterday was better than expected. 

I ran outside at first light which is always pretty -- something about the sky and sun that early feels peaceful. Once I got moving, the run felt okay. I need to run at least once a week to not get crazy sore for a couple of days after.

Standing Friday meeting was a good one. Interesting conversation about our town, politics, etc. 

Lunch with my HS friend was also a nice conversation and the restaurant was a surprise hit. Got enough for dinner last night and lunch on the road today.

Hooked up my today's self by getting gas (had to drive for a bit to find gas under $5/gallon). Trying to make good time on the trip because stopping for a bathroom with my dog is an issue. I made it without stopping during the pandemic, but it's not easy -- my bladder is FULL.

But then yesterday's self did the minimum. Dang. I got a few things ready (laundry, trash, prepped food, etc), then sagged out. Double dang. 

I wanted an evening of nothing. I did get to bed early and got a good night's sleep, but I wish I'd done a little more because, once again, the morning feels like a push.

I AM hooking tomorrow's self up with a workout today so I can do the minimum morning activity tomorrow (long walk with Duke, but no workout). 

I think I'm going to skip tonight's family dinner. My aunt and uncle won't get in until 4:30 -- they'll need to get settled, house tour, greet everyone, etc. That means dinner after 6 o'clock and I have to leave Duke at the house. He's going to be a wreck being alone without Monti, especially the first day. He's also been throwing up (ate something -- his breath smells like death). As I said, I've seen my aunt and uncle twice recently and my sister hasn't. This'll give them time to catch up. 

UPDATE: I've actually seen them 3 times -- not going tonight.

Of course, if Duke is doing well and I feel energized, maybe I'll go. Playing it by ear. It's just going to be a later night and this pattern is tough for me right now. Leaning heavily toward not going.

Sometime I forget I can operate in the middle space. It's not a choice of all or nothing. I can go and do SOME of the things. My aunt and uncle are in to visit my sister and her family -- I'm not the main act. I can be a supporting character this weekend. Let someone else share the driving, so to speak. I'm doing more for Sunday -- taking today off is okay.

On that note, time to get moving. Have a good day. Later gators.

Overwhelmed, Dang

Good morning.

I hate to even go here, but it's what's on my mind this morning. 

This will be a surprise to no one.

You can say -- told you so or something stronger.

I'M SO OVERWHELMED (!!)

And it's totally, completely, 100% my fault. 

You all need to remind me, stop me, yell from the rafters ... a SPACE on the calendar isn't always a SPACE that needs to be filled. Voids are good. Free time is a must. Teeter with a moment of boredom.

Okay, if truth be told, the biggest issue is my mornings are rushed until god knows when -- as far as the eye can see (on the March calendar page, at least). I can manage the days once I get through the morning.

This means getting up early is a MUST and, you know it, I'm BARELY time adjusted. Still going to bed later than I should and morning wake ups are a rude awakening (literally). 

It's the push to get a workout in and a workout is massively important to how I feel, the hormone regulation, etc. With this lower energy, it so dang hard to workout extra early.

Where are my cancel days when I need them? I got one this week, but apparently it's not enough. 

What I want to be canceled is this weekend in Asheville. It's all work. Company, cleaning, dog with me, hosting, organizing. Shared with my sister, but still a whirlwind of work over three days. 

3 rushed days because I need to get home to volunteer and obligations ALL WEEK. 

I'm excited to see my family and my aunt and uncle, but I just saw them twice recently so it kind of, sort of, doesn't feel worth the effort. Horrible to say. Another weekend would've been fabulous. This timing is tough.

I pushed the trip to tomorrow (because of the grow room and the dog) so what did I do?!?

FILLED TODAY to the brim. 

Good lord. 

Taking my HS friend to lunch for her birthday. I AM happy we fit it in because I hate to not show birthday love to a friend in her actual birthday month, but what was I thinking?!? I don't have the energy for this today. Rush, rush, rush. Then I need to get ready for the trip tomorrow morning and more rush, rush, rush. 

I vow here, right now to stop filling my days so much. 

I need to remember this. 

Will I? Won't I? 

I've been scheduling appointments in the morning so I have my afternoons free for all-the-things. Nope. Doesn't work right now. I'm too tired in the mornings. I need to have that little bit extra sleep and that little bit extra time to be ready to workout. 

I've also been obligated to meetings and such in the evenings. Start the day too early, end the day too late with obligations and that makes days feel so much MORE. Time shift some of this stuff and all would be well.

Okay, I deciphered a few of the issues. Thanks for lending an ear. 

P.S. Yesterday was great. Lunch, garden tour, etc. Book fair setup went well. Back to volunteer with the kids on Tuesday. 

Hope you have a good day. Sorry for another rant. I need my hormones to get with the program -- mood, energy, etc. Later gators.

P.P.S. An email just popped up on the screen from my coaching program ... it's starts, "remember to leave clean space on your calendar." Well, that's some validation. Off to read the email. 

A List

I think a list is in order.

Yesterday was all over the map.

1. My hormones are out of whack. I started bleeding yesterday. It's not a period, but dang. The office was right to cut back my estrogen patch. 

2. The library shift was good, but probably a least favorite. Only 2 people at that time of day. I finished a Southern Gothic book from an author I saw speak last week. Beautiful writing, incredible imagination, but that gothic ick feeling.

Since I had a couple of hours left, I grabbed a copy of the very short The Great Gatsby -- another depressing book. Easy read to finish while I was there though. 

Between the 2 books -- not a "happy" feeling afternoon and that's on me.

My volunteer "payment" wasn't great either -- shelves are a bit bare after a big event. I found a couple of books, but not my usual exciting finds. I donated a bag of books from a friend too. She likes to give them to me to donate for some reason.

3. My garage is filled (annoyingly) with bags and boxes and a mattress for the volunteer task I did last week. I need to distribute the items after sorting, but crickets from the family members. There's another carload to pickup and sort and distribute too.

4. The women's group meeting was excellent -- great speakers. Met some inspiring local candidates. AND, I left feeling annoyed. A few things I said yes to, did the work I signed up for, etc just became BIGGER yeses that wasn't part of the original ask. When I questioned it, I got a bit of attitude back from a couple of people. "We all need to do our work for the cause" -- kind of response. 

I'm not at my best hormonally and I have a lot of balls in the air, and this is probably a reaction related more to both these things ... so I'm taking a beat. This morning I want to say a big screw-you to the situation, but I won't (of course). It would be nice to be ASKED and THANKED for the help instead of DO MORE because that wasn't nearly enough. 

Bonus: "That" person wasn't at the meeting.

5. My uncle got a stage 4 diagnosis with no treatment options. Hopefully, slow growing. Very sad. He's been the patriarch of the family after my dad died 26 years ago. He's 83 years old.

Some happier notes:

6. Volunteering in Clarkston today -- and invited to lunch ahead at my friend's house. She's making a salad from her garden. Garden and grow room tour too. Total joy. It's so lovely to be invited to share a homemade meal. Her other friend will be there too -- both ladies are calm and sweet and HUGE activists. Just what I need to regroup after last night.

7. Friends asked me to go to the botanical gardens to see the spring blooms, but I have an obligation already. It's very, very nice to be asked though. These are the ladies that came to rock paint. 

8. A bookclub friend reached out to do lunch and talk all-things-life-coaching. She's a life coach and I'm interested to hear her story. She's also a really nice person -- calm, kind. We're going out next week.

9. I reached out to my high school friend -- it's her birthday next week. We go to lunch for each other's birthdays. I was able to get it on the calendar for tomorrow. That's a win because my days are quite full and she's a full-time instructor with a busy schedule and we matched a last minute date. 

Her pick for her birthday. She and I have different tastes in food, but it'll be fun to try a new restaurant. It's a Mexican restaurant owned by a local diner. 

10. Last night SHOULD be the last overnight freeze. Garden covered. I forgot to water though. Oh no. Also, I planted flowers from seeds -- up and growing well and EVERY SINGLE ONE is GONE. Something had a good meal. Dang and you're welcome. 

I'm looking forward to a nice day. Feeling lousy is a pisser though -- it makes all the things a little bit off. I hope hormones settle down again.

Have a good one too. Later gators. 

Fairy Houses and a Rant

It was a total cancel day and it was just what I needed. 

I absolutely used the time wisely -- relaxing AND productive day. 

Yea, me. Not a given (as we know).

Working on the fairy houses and another one started. Sometimes the thing that clogs the works is deciding WHAT to paint. That's why I added a 3rd house because I'm momentarily out of ideas. 

Our back porch is getting screened in today. One day project. Do we believe it? I'm unavailable for the next 10 days if they need to finish up so, fingers crossed. What often happens is they think it's only a partial day so the early morning start happens hours late and then they can't finish. I sound a little bitter and burned, huh?!? I hope they prove me very wrong.

I'm working a library shift today. This is always so much fun -- and it seems like it would be boring, but it isn't. Of course, I don't volunteer very often and that's probably the reason. 3 hours of reading, talking about books, looking at books, organizing books, in the quiet of a library. Lovely. 

Then dinner out with my women's action group and the monthly meeting. It should be a good one (and a long, late night).

Bit of a rant ahead -- trying for short and sweet. You've been warned lol.

UPDATE: More than a bit ... hah!

"The" person who is giving me all this head drama and indecision, also belongs to the women's group. There was no way I could join and not tell her without a big fallout. She's a sideline gal though and has only attended 2 meetings -- nothing else with the group, even though she was heavily pumped for it at first. 

I don't think she's going tonight because the pickleball league she and my husband play in has makeup games tonight. And I'm so happy about it. 

She's also starting language that mildly puts the group down -- like she does with people. I hope this means it's fading out for her. I notice she does this -- if she's not the "most" in a situation compared to her friends, then it's poo on her shoe kind of thing. But she loves to watch -- join the group, see who's doing what, keep tabs. Sounds just like my mother. 

I really, really need to stop thinking about her. It happens when it looks like we'll see each other -- or I'm worried we'll see each other. Another sign she's not for me. If it was just her, I'd be long gone. It's this dang group and the women in the group that's holding me back. I like them.

That said, I trust my gut on this. It's not conformation bias. I've spent a lifetime with a mother who does things like this and I'm skilled at recognizing it. If you haven't had that experience, you won't recognize the game play. I haven't been wrong when I've seen it before, it's just that it's taken me so long to believe it because I question whether I'm seeing zebras instead of horses. 

Even with this person, my spidey senses were tingling from minute one, but I thought it was okay. And then there was something I disagreed with her on -- game on. I need to run for the hills at any tingling. I got drawn in and that's HER superpower. If you play the game like she wants you to, it's all sunshine and roses.

I know I have friend issues I'm working on, but those get worked on -- on my end. It's my reactions and expectations that I need to modify. And sometimes a behavior "feels" like something my mother would do, but it's not a pattern.

With this person it's an escalating pattern and that's the difference. I'm not reacting the way she's "demands" of her friends so she keeps upping the situation with me. When this happens with others in the group, they give in, acquiesce and it's over. Back to sunshine and roses. I don't because I decided I won't be treated like that anymore and won't bend myself in ways that aren't authentic to me. 

I think I need to get coached on it and stop ranting here lol. 

Okay, enough of that today. Got to get moving for the contractors arrival. Have a good day. Later gators.

It's a Cancel Day

I got everything done yesterday and it was an accomplishment. 

I showed up for myself.

Had a lot of fires -- on the volunteer front and personal front. 

Handled myself well.

Then I crashed. I slept SO SOUNDLY last night. I could feel it when I woke up. I dreamt vividly and I could tell I was processing the stress. What a difference a night's sleep makes. 

Today is a full cancel day (I expect) and I'm here for it (sort of).

1. Tuesday hike group. 

I need to be available for my aunt's procedure today in case she has another problem. That meant I needed to hike at the regular, agreed upon hiking time. So what happened? "That" person changed it, but first asked someone else in the group if she was okay with the change before she changed it. She was, I wasn't, but apparently my objection didn't count. And I already let her know I had a time constraint. MESSAGE RECEIVED (!!)

But, let's talk my crazy mind. I had a feeling the time would be pushed back because it's below freezing this morning. I said a little ... please god, I really wouldn't mind not hiking today. A pushed time would pull me out. 

Got my "prayer" answered and promptly was ... how dare she!!! Hah -- of course I was.

I know this is still about my indecision about staying in the group. Do I actually need to make a decision? Am I trying to create an issue so I will make a decision? Gray areas are tough for me. For absolutely sure, I won't quit on a bad note. I'll only leave if after a good hike I still feel like this isn't for me ... or should I say, SHE isn't for me. The group is fine. SHE is not. 

It's probably an ego thing too. We were the original Tuesday hikers. We made the decisions even when the group grew. Then she pushed me out and took full control. Now she's making it clear where I stand. She's done this to others -- it's game play for her. I don't want someone like this in my regular life. 

Okay, this is going down a rabbit hole I didn't plan. Not available to hike until April now so you can have a break until then lol! Moving on ...

2. Rock painting. 

My cancel friend texted last night. She has a cold that's lingering. Maybe she won't come with her granddaughter today. Decision this morning when she wakes up. Of course, I don't want a cold so a cancel is polite. If it doesn't happen today, I'll call it though. This is the 3rd time we scheduled. Setup takes work and effort. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. 

3. My aunt.

She's very hopeful that this 3rd go of things will be easier than the other 2. I'm still on-call, just in case, but she expects it's going to be unnecessary. Of course, the other 2 weren't meant to be hard either. 

Yesterday was a bit of shit storm. Today is smooth sailing. 

As usual, I need to use this unexpected time for GOOD, not for BAD (habits).

Paint.

Read.

Quiet time.

Reflection time. 

Writing postcards for the local campaign.

Restore myself. Fill my tank. Get ready for whatever is next. 

I feel a lot better this morning.

I'll leave it on that note since I've rambled enough this morning. 

Hope you're having a good day.

Later gators.

And Now a ...

... not really a mood exactly, but not feeling energized or off to a good start. 

I had a really nice Sunday, but I'm BROKEN today hah. A first outside run after the fall, lugging soil to my son's garden, a 2 year old for hours, horrible recovery sleep ... every little bit of me hurts. 

Oh, and the damn HOUR time change. Nope, I'm not adjusted. Yep, my body continues to be an hour off with EVERYTHING. Bedtime, wakeup time, hunger, morning bathroom (TMI). What the what is my problem?!?

Time change with babies, dogs, and apparently menopausal women is havoc. 

Storms and rain and severely dropping temperatures today. I have to go north to haul a carload of things in said rain and storms (volunteer situation). I looked at the calendar for a possible postponement, but I can't find a better option without canceling other plans.

I also have a few fussy things on today's to-do list that aren't bad, but feel like a lot because I slept so poorly. I need to shake off the cobwebs for the mental load of these issues. 

On that note, I think I'll go and try to do just that. Organizing my week always makes me feel better. I planned to do it last night, but I was hauling soil at 8 o'clock -- which really felt like 7 o'clock. (BUT, I'm very glad the garden bed is filled and finished -- part of my son's Christmas present from me). 

Hope you have a good Monday. I hope to rally this rocky start and redeem the day. Later gators.