Good Morning

Monday morning ... I decided last night to sleep in this morning.  Woke up, didn't look at the clock and fell back to sleep.  I woke up again ... time to get up.  Well rested.  Wide awake.

It was 4:58.

I'm so dang excited.  Maybe, possibly, finally, my body adjusted to a 5 o'clock wake up.

This heat thing is real.  I felt like poop all day yesterday from being outside the ENTIRE day Saturday.  The temps for the week -- 92, 90, 92, 95, 91.  They NEVER get lowered.  I bet at least 2 of the days end up hotter.  Atlanta, I'm totally pissed.

I went to the Course in Miracles class and it was great.  Thoughtful discussions with different opinions -- respectful, genuine.  Being able to disagree without arguing.  The conversation is interesting, but not upsetting.  Super diverse group of people spanning all the things -- age, religion, lifestyle, race, gender, politics.  It's a big group with a history of 30 years.  I'm bummed I'll miss next week.

Watched football.  Won my game for the eliminator pool.  Only 2 of us left and my eldest needs the Steelers to win tonight.  Fingers crossed, no whammies, big bucks coming my way.  (I probably just jinxed it.)  If I win, I will gloat.  Everyone made fun of my picks and the haters can watch me spend my money - hahahaha.  It's a pot of $100 (with pay in of $20) and, of course, I'll spend it on a family fun OR buy a mansion, give to charity and build a library.  Things like that.

This week is some down time from people social activity.  I have a few things on the calendar, but a decent amount of white space (I still keep a written calendar).  It'll fill up with some chore stuff (car appointment, groomer appointments), but nothing major.  Trying to balance the VARIETY with the CERTAINTY and visa versa.  It's challenging for me.

Road trip to Chattanooga this weekend for a wine and blue grass festive.  My cousin is hosting her mom, me and my DIL.  Lots of social time -- can't wait, but I need to be ready or it will be overwhelming.



I'm learning to schedule time for myself and hold firm.  I bump ME while thinking ... oh, tomorrow I'll get some time.  That's when things get messy.

For example, my bff had a birthday yesterday.  I sent a package, Facebook post and left her a voicemail.  We talked last week ahead of her birthday.  This morning she has a couple hour drive in the car and texted me last night that she'll call me this morning to tell me about her birthday.  I love chatting with her, and "old" me would have bumped my morning to accommodate her schedule because it was her birthday yesterday.  I have early lunch plans with another friend so my morning time isn't adjustable today.  If I can chat, I will -- gladly.  But, I think she has an early ride so it probably won't coordinate.  I need ME time after a big weekend.  It seems so little, but it makes a big difference in my day.  I need a comfortably paced morning taking the time to do The Things fully.  No rushing, no pressure.  That said, I hope it works out to talk.  If not, we can plan another time.

I posted this with her birthday wishes yesterday.  Later gators.

Organized Chaos (Pictures)

It's finished!
I'm standing.
Bone tired (of course I am ...)

It ended up being reasonable with set-up and some of the fosters stayed to help dismantle the tent (that was the biggest back breaker doing it with 2 people).  Thankful for those kind peeps.

It was a LONG and SUPER DUPER HOT day.  Full sun (even with rain promised), humid (because it's Atlanta) and in the 90s.  Everyone was complaining -- event people, ticket holders, the police, ME.  I got a weather alert on my phone last night -- expect significantly HIGHER temperatures today.  All week -- temps in the 90s.  WARNING -- weather complaining until Atlanta does better.

I'm going to an outdoor festival next weekend with the family girls (more on that later) and the temperature better play nice ... or else (*said in my strictest mom voice*).

I've had enough outdoor "summer" stuff to last a decade.  My people are from England and Ireland -- I'm not made for Atlanta.

Here are a few pictures.  We had foster dogs -- lots of them.  They took breaks and naps in cars to cool off.  Ice cube rub downs, iced water, etc.  Those that didn't do well (even with breaks) left early.

Arrival time -- butt smelling 'hellos'

Sweetest big guy EVER.
Crooked nose Haas.
Owner surrender -- poor baby.

Alpaca kisses
(She pregnant!!)

The set-up.  We did it (with only moderate fighting -- small miracle).

Everything in me wanted to bag out on this morning's class at Unity (10 hours outside in that weather -- I'm toast).  I held strong ONLY because if I don't go to class, I get to return the van to the city.  Hmmmm ... that was an easy choice LOL.  Sometimes I need more than my own resolve to do The Things.  I'm not staying for the service.  I need to pick up pizzas and run to the grocery store.

I woke up easily this morning ahead of my alarm.  Go figure.  I'll do a light workout because I want to take Wednesday off completely.

The week ahead has nothing major until Saturday.  R&R and continue that endurance push.  I'm have a few things on the calendar -- enough to keep the week interesting.

Happy Sunday.  I'll be plopped in a comfy chair, reading a book with football playing and enjoying the air conditioning.  Later gators.

Volunteer Day

One way or another -- this too shall pass.  I don't mind the volunteer bit (that's why I agreed to it).  It's the set up and clean up that's at issue.  Hubby and I both have bad backs and the stuff is HEAVY.

No problem -- pull the van right up to the tent for unloading and loading and we have volunteers to help.  Guess what?  Nope and nope.  There's another festival in the area so unloading is not on location AND 3 hours earlier than normal.  None of the set-up volunteers are coming that early.  We have no one who signed up for clean up.  Hubby and me and our wonky backs.  Between the heavy lifting is 10 hours of standing.  Taking bets on whether we can be upright tomorrow.

It was my ONLY concern and my ONLY parameter -- totally out the window.  That's why this is a NEVER AGAIN moment.  No good deed ...

I hate being cynical but, let's face it, not surprised.  I think it's more of a not-getting-fooled-again feeling.  Glad to help, glad to NOT be in charge -- it's never "just" an easy favor.  Healthy boundaries -- this one snuck in before I decided to draw my line in the sand.

(P.S. The lady who asked this favor had no idea this would happen.  She's been apologetic and concerned.)

Anyway ... eyes are finished.  Great experience.  It's a fancy, girly office and where a work buddy is now working.  I caught up with her and got 10 years younger.  My eyes are swollen this morning, but looked great after she did it -- takes about a week for the swelling to go down.  Looks like I've been crying.  Smoothed out the uneven parts so the darker circles are faded.  I have extra problems in this area.  No one noticed last time (even though they knew I had it done) but I noticed.  It doesn't change my look, just corrects for problem area that is aging faster than it should.  My eyes are tender, but it's not painful.

I WAS able to turn around my mood yesterday.  Brooke Castillo's podcast -- oddly, since I wasn't a fan of Part 1 last week and reading a new personal growth book, The Universe Has Your Back (Gabrielle Bernstein).  Another book that references A Course In Miracles.  I'm seeing her speak in November so I want to read a couple of her books before then.

Apparently (according to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE - lol), this is all ONE BIG lesson that I can't seem to learn.  Over and over and over -- until I learn it.  Oh, and it's EXACTLY what I've asked to learn.  There you have it.  My current situation in a nut shell.  Dang.

On that note, time to head out for a run.  Might be my last morning standing for awhile ... just kidding, not ACTUALLY putting that out in the universe :)  Later gators.

Wishing the Weekend Away

Here we are again ... out of BALANCE.  At least a little.  The full calendar is peaking on Saturday with a full day of hard volunteering for Releash.  What started as an easy "yes" grew to a big old pain in the ass -- it's a fact of volunteering when you volunteer to be in CHARGE of something.  All the crap starts and stops with you.

Good news is this one and done.  I'll never say okay to this again (I agreed before I started better boundaries).  Bad news is I still need to get through the day.  12 hours of physical volunteering in 90 degree weather.

I'm going to be exhausted yet we are STILL hosting football Sunday.  I want to go to the Course in Miracles Sunday morning because that's the only thing on the calendar for ME, but I'm having to fight for that time.  (We need to return the Releash van to the city that morning and I need to get food ready for the games.)

Holding firm is tiring.  I'm tired.  Lots of fun.  Lots of the stuff I want in my day, but that endurance thing is kicking my butt.  I'm quickly fading to annoyed about everything.

Funny how I get annoyed about lots of things and SUDDENLY there are lots of things to be annoyed about -- you see what you create in your mind.

I woke up in a mood and I'll do the things to try and change this up.  Workout, meditation, grateful journal.  It's going to be hard to hold on to a better feeling though.  I can also choose to accept the annoyance and go with that -- negative is part of life.  It's confusing.

Doesn't help that my partner in crime for Saturday is also annoyed about it -- we're feeding off each other.  Since hubby's annoyed too, he's picking on everything.  Going negative about everything.  I don't think he realizes he's doing it.  He's looking at this as a favor to me -- like I owe him -- ugh.

Add to this -- "everyone" is having such a fun time.  It's fall break and people are on vacation (part of the reason I'm left with so much volunteer crap).  Life is beautiful and going so nicely for everyone who is passively letting life happen.

That's what my brain is telling me.  Of course, I know that's not true, but it's sure my perspective this morning.  I'm doing SO MUCH WORK while the world coasts into blissful joy.

Okay -- RANT OVER.  Guess what my coaching session is about on Wednesday?  On the bright side, I have something to talk about again - hah.

Returning to TODAY -- I'm getting filler under the old eyes again.  I took before/after pictures last time, but you can't really see it with the camera flash.  It didn't change anything dramatically, but I noticed a difference with the dark circles under my eye.  I look tired again.  It lasts a year -- it's been a year.  It gives me a refreshed look and, boy oh boy, can I use that coming up.

I almost rescheduled because of all-the-things (it's a long drive into the city), but I'm not taking MYSELF off of my calendar.

Lordy, I can't wait until Monday.  Somehow I think I'm missing a point, but I'm trying my best.  Happy weekend -- wishing for a surprisingly peaceful one for us all.  If only wishing were enough LOL.  Later gators.

Fainting Goat Vineyards (Pictures)

We picked 2 kinds of grapes.
Both for reds.

It was AWESOME!

And so HARD!  Holy moly -- respect for people who do this on the regular.  Back breaking!  Up, down, reaching, walking up a mountain.  My legs, back and arms were so tired.  Over 4 hours of harvesting.  Carrying buckets of grapes.  The grapes grow at all heights -- big bunches low, but lots of little ones high up.  Some grow around the wire and it takes forever to clip them off.  The only instruction was no leaves in the bucket.  It was more simple than I thought, but WAY WAY more physical.

The land was picture perfect.  Everyone was friendly and having a great time.  Lunch was good -- cheese, wine and Italian catered.  Not perfect for me, but good enough.  We sat under tents at pretty tables.  It felt like a fancy event.

I made it without cutting my finger -- apparently that's a common issue.  No critters.  Mostly shade because you were under the leaves of the vines.  It was HOT though.

I came home and crashed.  My back needed to be flat.  I didn't go to GNI -- bummed a bit, but physically needed to rest so I can work the big fundraiser on Saturday.  Lots of lifting and I need to function or hubby will kill me - hah.  I had a bit of guilt at the last minute cancelation.

Two days of total fun, but now I need to honor my introverted side lol.  Quiet time.  Limited interactions.  Sounds good.  No people, but I still need to do my things.  Quiet day isn't a lazy day -- at least, it shouldn't be and I need to watch to not flop head first into slug behavior.

Today is a back recovery day and prep for the fundraiser on Saturday.  I have a fair amount of stuff to get ready -- paperwork, setting up my phone for credit cards, etc.  I might not workout today given how physical yesterday turned out to be -- probably long walking dogs only.

Picture time.

Me and my aunt post harvest.

The farmhouse.

Sweet and plump.

The view

19 rows by 30 or so people.

Lunch.  It was vineyard fancy.

Bucket after bucket

Harvest Day

I've been looking forward to this all month.  Fainting Goat Winery.

Now that it's here, I'm fighting the worry train.  No bathrooms on the mountain.  What will I do with my bag (car keys, etc)?  Is it going to be sun all day long?  Will we get lost getting there (we did in the daylight last time)?  Will we be late?

Goodness.

I need to turn this around -- I'm not going to ruin today.

Update and pictures tomorrow.

P.S.  I LOVED the Downton Abbey movie.  If you watched and liked the series, it's a great movie.

Let the Good Times Roll

Thought I'd share my Facebook memory from 2 years ago.  Dating anniversary -- we celebrated 32 by going to a counter service lunch place.  It was perfect -- cheap and fun (like our first date).

Speaking of fun -- today starts 2 days of a fun calendar.  Lunch, movies (Downton Abbey) with my friends and aunt ... then an evening with my aunt (she's spending the night).  Hitting up the freezer stash for a quick meal.  Tomorrow is the grape harvest and GNI in the evening.

I'm not going to lie -- I'm feeling a bit rundown.  I have no idea why I have the crappiest endurance.  I'm pushing forward.  (I have the feeling of a cold starting and my back is hurting a lot.)

Focusing on what keeps me feeling well.  Sleep, less junk food and workouts.  Up extra early for an outside run.  Went to bed early last night again (so happy we picked up the van during the day).  Being careful on food choices -- lots of eating out this week.

I have a flop day on Thursday.  Nothing but a workout and chill before 3 more days of busy.  Hubby is golfing so I get some needed time alone.  Social fun is awesome, but I need alone time to balance it out.  I'm even going to sleep in since I'll have the entire day to myself.

I'm also trying to turn around my thinking (you see how well that's going - hah).  Don't focus on rundown and busy -- this is what I ASKED FOR!!  Be grateful.  Enjoy.  Be present.  I am having a great time, but I wish my physical body realized it too -- I feel 90 years old.

I checked out the meet up website -- surprised that there were groups in my area.  I'll keep you posted.  There are 2 I'm keeping my eye on for after the holidays.  I might actually find a book club I like :)  I was looking to find something a little more into personal growth, but I think I'll get my feet wet with something more benign (if I decide to do it).  The personal growth ones seem a bit "hot" -- a little too non-inclusive the other way.  I watch a lot of Criminal Minds and it makes me a bit nervous for a meet up with people who might be all charged up on opinions.

Speaking of books ... the one I'm reading is a stupid.  I'm skimming to finish and figure out who did it and why.  The reviews said it gets long and convoluted and they are right.  I have a couple personal growth books coming ahead of a seminar in November.  I'll read one of those next (if they come by Thursday).  More on both soon ...

My focus today.  PRESENT -- good times if I make the effort to notice.  Later gators.

Problem Solving -- I Hope

Van pick up got pushed back to 8:30 -- (that's midnight if you adjust to MY "timezone" LOL).  I volunteered to drive all the way to her house so we can do the pick up during the day (PROBLEM SOLVING).  We got massively burned by the drive on Friday (traffic like crazy).  Fingers crossed for something better today.  This is a one and done kind of volunteer situation.  It ALWAYS ends up being something much more than it starts off.  (We were suppose to pick up the van Saturday morning from a parking lot and return it that night -- now we have a massive van in our driveway for over a week -- not good.)

Anyway -- today is hubby's and my 32nd DATING ANNIVERSARY.  Pretty sweet.  We're "celebrating" with a late lunch.  We usually don't do anything, but he's home -- why not.

I have a bold to-do list today and tomorrow.  I got some of the big things knocked out yesterday.  My back is hurting and I need to watch overdoing things.  Doing some yesterday spread out the chores.

Course in Miracles class was good.  I want to go regularly -- the group has been meeting for 30 years!  Not all the members (of course), but that's the kind of longevity I'm interested in.  People were welcoming -- diverse group, interesting people, interesting conversation.

Driving for an hour, sitting for 90 minutes, sitting for the service and then the drive home whacked out my back.  Sitting upright puts too much pressure on my lower back.  I'll have to figure that out for next Sunday.

Being PRESENT yesterday was challenging.  I needed to remind myself so many times.  My mind drifts to the next thing when I have a full day.  Good practice -- good to notice.  I'll get some more practice today and tomorrow.  It's the same kind of busy both days.

I'll leave with a thought from Brooke Castillo.  This is my focus lately and it has me in a good place.  Can I hold on?  That's the question for me ... the hard part.  Trying to make my life better than the food -- the key word is MOST (everyone looks forward to food -- it's delicious!).  Later gators.

Church and Football

Odd combination -- only one is for me (can you guess?).

I'll survive football, but the Steelers game is at 4 o'clock today so that means ALL DAY and EVENING football.  I'll sag out a bit early to go to bed to read.

Easy food today.  Store bought munchies for the early games and then burgers for the Steelers.  I already have bacon cooked (huge time saver).

Heading to lots of church stuff this morning.  The Course in Miracles Class is 90 minutes (dang) and then the hour service.  I want to try the class to see if it's interesting.  I've had the book for years and years.  First time I tried to read it, went over my head page ONE!  A lot of my favorite personal growth peeps quote this book as an original source of their teachings -- good to read (and study) the source myself.  Hopefully, I can understand it this time.  My girlfriend is planning to meet me for the later services.  (She's the super busy friend who just got home from 3 week vacation -- she might bag out if she's too tired.)

The wine tasting yesterday was awesome.  We had such a fun time (at least, I did).  The wines were unusual grapes around the world -- it was interesting.  The cheeses were good, but not paired -- kind of bummed because I like learning what goes with what according to the experts - hah.

I'm up extra, extra early because I misread the time.  I rolled over and looked at the clock -- thought it was turning 5 o'clock but it was only 4:30.  Blind as a bat.  No point in heading back to bed.

I'm in a busier flow right now and it feels good (keeps me out of my funk) BUT I need to make sure I don't get rundown.  I don't know why that happens so quickly for me (always does).  I need keep space for myself in all the busy and slow down -- not rush it away.

When I get busy, I tend to get in TASK mode and to-do list mode.  Working on keeping it PRESENT for the next few days.  I have a couple of low key days on Thursday and Friday -- before the huge volunteer day on Saturday (in the mid-90s -- really GA, disappointing ... you can do better for late September).

Wednesday is my BIG day.  Grape harvest (super early) and then GNI evening (super late -- for me).  I'm keeping Thursday clear to relax and recoup.  Normally I would cancel on GNI but I don't see these folks often so (in the name of VARIETY), I'm going.  Leading up to Wednesday are all full days.  No "rest" ahead of time.

I have no idea why I have such a low endurance for a full social calendar.  I'm trying to change that a little -- probably not a lot, but I can have a full week and not collapse into hibernation.  Good lord -- I CAN DO BETTER!

I think part of it is sleep related.  My body likes 8-9 hours a night.  When I add social stuff, it makes for later nights, less sleep (same wakeup time) and that starts the rundown feeling.  For example, Monday is a full day.  But, nothing too much EXCEPT we need to pick up the van for the Saturday fundraiser -- after her work day and after rush hour traffic.  I won't get home until around 9 o'clock.  Now I have less sleep.  That's a big deal for me.  Probably seems silly to most people, but I've stopped apologizing for it.  I know myself.

I also don't do well in the heat.  Wednesday and Saturday are going to be outside HOT days.  It will drain my soul - lol.  My people are from rainy, overcast England and Ireland -- not the deep south.

It's an active rest workout day -- walk on the treadmill.  I have a funky morning schedule this week and need to watch my back.  I'll have more rest days than normal coming up, so today is active rest.  My back is tired and that makes it prone to a problem.

I've rambled on and on.  I'll leave with a couple of pictures from yesterday -- my peeps at the wine tasting.  Later gators.

Fun wine bottle wall.
Eldest in his "fun guy" shirt.

Hubby and youngest (wine tasting was his b-day gift to me).

Saying 'YES' Mode

All of a sudden, I'm in a "season" of saying YES and DOING lots.  It's what I wanted, what I asked for and what coaching was about last week.

I'm going to try and be short-n-sweet about the background of my coaching session (probably will be rambles though).

When I left work (after my fall, after our friends died -- when we wanted a reset with our life direction), I did goal setting.  My #1 goal was to find my people (my tribe -- so to speak, but that term can be offensive).  I want people who like personal growth.  People who are interested in things that aren't just FOOD and DRINKING.  People who are up for trying something different.  Level up my life experiences.

I try to be that person, but I love CERTAINTY and I have to actively push for VARIETY in my life.

Don't be the smartest one in the room.  I'm not the smartest, but I AM the one who drives this VARIETY bus with my friends.  Finds different things to do, pushes the boundaries, explores the woo woo.  Believe me, there are much better bus drivers -- I wanted to find the better bus drivers.

I was patient.  This wouldn't be an overnight achievement and, you know what they say, desperation sends off a stink smelled for miles.  These friendships needed to happen organically.

That said, can't find new friends who like different things if all I'm doing is going out to eat with my same friends.  Enter My Happiness Project and the last 3 years of trying lots and lots of THINGS.  Doing lots of things by myself -- exploring other groups.

I've had awesome experiences.  Met nice people.  Had great conversations.  Then I never see that person again.  Thing after thing I tried, I kept hitting a road block.

The question to my coach is how do I find these friendships?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm patient, but years later, nothing has stuck.  (BTW, not looking to throw out my current friendships -- I love going out to lunch, getting my nails done, etc -- looking to add, not subtract.)

Also, I have a couple of friends who ARE this ... one lives in CA and the other (not surprisingly) is super busy.  I can't expect her to be my only driver - hah and she's just getting into this herself so we are about evenly matched anyway.

Holly gave me an idea of a meet up online site for local groups.  I need to check it out.  She feels the same as I do -- I need to find a reoccurring group so I can build relationships over time.  One and done kind of things are great experiences, but probably won't get me closer to this goal.

I've been thinking a lot about this and wondered if I'm looking for the right thing.  Maybe, I'm not meant to find this kind of group.  Maybe, I'm meant to drive the bus.  Maybe I'm meant for individual experiences.

Back to NOW ... all the YESes on my calendar.  I was having a mini-pity party about always being the one to initiate DIFFERENT plans (I get lunch invites on the regular, that's not the issue).  This week, a number of people "added" different to my calendar.  The 2 friends I mentioned came forward in a big way (a trip in February to Austin, TX and a woman's seminar in November with 2 other ladies).  Hubby's bff coming in November and his wife wants to come so we can do FUN things.  Hubby is going with me to Gretchen Rubin (he read one of her history books).

I also got some peeps to join me at a book festival in November.  The rest I signed up for myself.  I like a mix of doing with people and doing alone.

Thanks, Universe.  That feels good.  I needed a thumbs up -- a little success.

My goal forward is to find people who meet regularly.  I'm trying a class at the Unity Church tomorrow (Course in Miracles study group).  I'll check out the meet up site (more on this when I do).

Also, my friends come through in their own way and that counts.  We went to a new restaurant last night with friends who initiated the evening.  Youngest is taking me and the family to a wine and cheese tasting and a local place this afternoon (my birthday present -- groupon for the group).  These are EATING moments, but still fun.  They both said -- we know you like to try new things.  I like busses that go out to eat too and love people who value me enough find NEW in their own way.

Phew -- that was LONG.  Did it even make sense?  Have a great Saturday -- later gators.

Girl Talk

Nails, hair, cooking and wine.

NAILS
Got SNS yesterday ... woo hoo.  No more babying my nails -- I can dig off a label, scratch off a dirty pan and my nails STILL look perfect.  I took a long break with lots of grow out.  I have to watch my nails getting too thin from filing -- they're already naturally thin.  The only way to prevent a problem is letting them take a long grow out period with no SNS.  I get an American -- more subtle than a French, but same thing.

HAIR
Brace yourself.  I "did" my hair yesterday.  I saw an Instagram tutorial and gave it a try.  Totally proud of myself because I suck at doing anything HAIR at all. End of day, in my nightgown and getting ready to take it out -- and THEN I decided to get a few pictures - hah.  It's a bit wind blown, but all in all, not bad for a first try.  (Also, awkward pictures -- hard to take a picture of the back of my head LOL.)





COOKING

I did a cook up and it was GOOD.

Applesauce -- honey crisps are back and they make the best applesauce.  Apples, cinnamon, salt and water.  Stick blend to desired smoothness.  Perfect.

Nom Nom Paleo:  Universal Stir Fry Sauce.  Easy and delicious.  Check out her website for the recipe (because I'm too lazy to link it).  It keeps in the refrigerator and was as good as she claims.  I also made her Kalua Pork in the Instant Pot.  It's a family favorite.  Freezes well and can be used in tons of ways.  (I use a pork tenderloin from Costco instead of the port butt).  Her recipes are always awesome.

Then Patatas Bravas from an Instagram account -- The Defined Dish.  I have no idea how to link off Instagram.  It was awesome.  Made a double patch of the braves sauce to freeze.  I soaked the potatoes in cold water all day (per her instructions) and they were super crispy.  Cheated on the Whole30 Garlic Aioli -- store bought from the Primal line of products.  Homemade would be better, but I was cooking a lot and wanted a shortcut this time.

WINE
Got the email -- Fainting Goat Grape Harvest this coming Wednesday.  I can't wait.  Sunrise on the vineyard (they suggested bringing a camera), harvesting all morning and then a vineyard lunch.  The process is meant to go slowly, be savored, peaceful -- it sounds so romantic and totally zen!!  There was a 3 week range that the harvest could take place.  I had no idea if I'd be able to go -- so excited.

That was my day yesterday ... add 4 dogs to the mix and I was pooped.  Up early this morning for an outside run because THAT didn't happen yesterday (what was I thinking).  We're taking a late morning hike about 90 minutes away so I can piggyback that with a foster home check.  Then taking the youngest out for an early dinner before he starts his new job next week.  Another full day -- building my DOING endurance.

Happy Weekend.  Later gators.

Thursday Updates

Post titles are hard.  I tried to come up with something clever or at least different, but "Thursday Updates" for the win.

I'm in brain fog right now.  Up WITH ALARM at 5 o'clock -- grand-dogs are getting dropped off in about 30 minutes.  I needed to be up and functioning.  Deep sleep and alarm don't go together for me.

Anyway ...

Tai Chi and meditation was good again yesterday.  I have the easiest time getting into a groove at meditation.  Didn't feel the soft blanket, but felt vibration sensations all around.  Still cool.  This time he explained that this is a Tai Chi from the perspective of a healer -- basically he adds the meditation and other warm-up parts.  I chatted with one of the repeat ladies before class.  She's going back to work after next week, so that will be the last I see her -- bummer.  My leg feels good still.

I had my coaching call and it ISN'T the last call.  Good news -- one more.  We talked some interesting things.  Brain fog says to explain another day.  It's not earth shattering so it can wait for a clearer (more awake) brain.

I'm making a few recipes today.  It's about time I start cooking.  More on this after I cook and taste test for my grand review - hah.

Guess why I was in the mood to cook??  Yesterday was a HIGH of 81 degrees!!!  What?!?  The next couple of days will be mostly overcast a lot cooler.  I've become a southerner -- 80 degrees, pull out the winter coats and make the soup.  (It's going back to hot by next week so I can't get too excited ... YET).

Also, today is SNS day.  The break is over.  Me and my nails are ready.

DOING things has helped my mood a lot, yet I'm already tired.  Really??  Yep.  Need to build up some endurance.  Good lord, it's been 2 days.  When I'm getting back at workouts, it's draining to me.  I've always been this way.  For someone who workouts regularly, I'm a wimp (apparently).

Speaking of workouts -- plan today is an outside run.  I might need an alternate plan depending on how the grand-dogs settle.  It might be mad chaos when they arrive and I'll miss my outside run window.  No big deal.  I can easily switch today and tomorrow.  I'm keeping an open mind so I don't get pissed if the morning goes crazy.

They'll be arriving any minute -- best get going.  Cooking and coaching updates in the next couple of posts.  Later gators.

The DOING Works

I pushed forward on my morning yesterday.

Walk was a great conversation -- and over 8 miles.  We kicked it hard and both ended up with a mean case of butt chafe.  95 degrees and humid.  Cracks aren't immune - lol.

DOING stuff fixes me (usually).  I came home physically satisfied (boxing and a long, fast walk) and mentally satisfied (lots of interesting conversation).  Mood changing.

It's a full day today and I'm glad.  DOING endurance.  I've been super slacking, partially from all injury, accidents, etc, but also from mood.  Giving into feeling low.  Sneaks up on me and then I'm fully surrounded.

I have something to talk to my coach about -- stay tuned.  Once I understand a direction, I'll share (hopefully, my coaching today will be that direction).  If we take that forward, I'll continue ... if not, taking a break until something else pops up.

My old bod is totally sore today in the best way -- using muscles again (FINALLY).  My back and leg feel good.  I'm not pushing anything.  "Workout" today is Tai Chi -- more like active recovery.  I'm so stinking curious about the meditation and whether it will feel special today.  I'll probably still suck at the movements, but, oh well, that's just me.

I had a physical reaction to the last meditation which has only happened once before in a group meditation.  The relaxation response (like with a massage) -- lower body temperature, lower heart rate, lower breathing.  But I also had all the aches in my leg and back (from sitting cross-legged) go away.  It was super uncomfortable and then one breath later -- gone (about halfway through).  He guided you through a visualization about the energy fields and I SWEAR it felt like my body was covered in the softest blanket.  It was wild.  Even after the meditation, I felt that sensation.  Body-mind connection is cool.

PJ has a new name -- Reggie and is officially ADOPTED.  No return happening.  Go little man -- have the best life!

Enjoying the suspense book I'm reading -- No Second Chance (Harlan Coban).  All comes down to ending but I have no idea what's happening so far -- twists and turns.

I'll leave on this little gem.  Later gators.

Calendar

I'm working on my calendar this week.




Love this:  "Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in."

The best thing I've done to get out of my funk is being productive.  Physical, mental and just-for-fun. The calendar doesn't fill itself.  It's active energy to make sure I have things to do.  Give each day SOMETHING.

Today is a 6 mile paved trail walk with my neighbor.  My back and leg are slowly mending and this adds activity to my morning workout AND some people time.  No more hibernating.

A TMacFitness workout is also on Amazon Prime (only one though).  I don't think I need to subscribe to his workouts after all between YouTube and Amazon.  The warmup is about 8 or 9 minutes and then it gets down and dirty fast.  Only a little more than 10 minutes, but I sweat and am tired after the workout.  I'm still in a building phase after my injuries -- I'll need longer once I get back at it.  It's a good way to get a quick workout in on days that are time crunched.  Good use of my OTHER muscles that I like to forget exist.  I did another yesterday and it was good (especially when you consider it was FREE).

If I can get back to regular running -- TMAC and boxing should be enough.

Pottery Barn is suppose to deliver my sofa today -- in the afternoon, but no phone call yesterday.  I'll call later this morning.  No one will be home until noon today.  What are the chances of this getting screwed up?!?  PB is off its game lately.

Tomorrow the cleaning crew is here.  Then a coaching call with Holly an hour earlier so I can go to Tai Chi.  I'm curious if I'll "feel" the same after the meditation again.  The instructor is a healer -- for what that's worth.  I believe some people have a gift, I don't believe everyone who gets a certification is a healer though.  He also made a point to give his sales pitch about private healing sessions.  The man has to make a living, but that makes me cautious of his intentions.  Even with my suspicions, my leg feels better than it has in months.

Thursday my SNS break is over and back at it.  I thought about waiting until October to start up, but I have a couple of things coming up which will tear up my nails if I don't have SNS on.  This means no SNS over Christmas (most likely).  I try not to do more than 3 in a row before I take a break.

We are watching our grand-dogs on Thursday too.  They have a vet appointment near us and we are daycare for the day.  Dropping at 6 o'clock.  That's early -- my dogs will still be in bed!

Friday is a hike and picnic with my man and a foster home check way down south.

Something everyday on the calendar.  I need to FORCE this on the regular.  Yesterday afternoon I had a big urge to hibernate again.  I regretted plans to walk today.  Nope -- that's exactly my problem.  Taking a morning walk doesn't over commit me at all.  I need to be with people.  Do things.  I'm taking a little dip into the blues again and I have to watch -- that's when I hibernate and the blues becomes the only thing on my mind.

I had a crappy night's sleep.  Waking up every couple of hours -- sneezing like crazy.  Probably allergies.  I finally got up at 5 o'clock.  No point in tossing and turning.  I'm doing a boxing workout before the walk this morning.  It's time to start pushing forward on workouts -- slowly.  Lord knows I don't want to step backwards with injury again.

PJ is adjusting to his new home and it seems positive.  I'm still not 100% convinced he won't be returned, but I'm getting more confident.  He's going potty outside and is slowly adjusting to her dog.  He loves the roommates dogs, but is nervous about the big husky.

That's that for today.  I hope DOING will blow this mood away again.  Stay tuned - hah.  Later gators.

New Week, Still HOT in ATL

Yes, I will complain until the highs are in the lower 80s.  90 PLUS all week AGAIN.  I got a weather alert on my phone ... temperature significantly higher for tomorrow.  Thanks weather center.

Update from yesterday.  The early Unity service was given by a congregational member -- that's risky for being good (I know, judging).  Even though I could have been ready, I opted to long walk our little dog instead.  I ran outside and it felt good.  Sitting in the car for 45 minutes and sitting at a service for an hour would have made my leg too stiff -- not worth it if the service was a bust.  They had a visiting minister giving the later service but that was too late.

Making a choice for ME in the moment and no "I should do X" in that thought.  Good stuff.

Watched football, played with dogs and that was the day.

Early came early this morning -- although I did wake up ahead of my alarm.  I started getting up at 5:30 and it's working better.  I naturally stir around 4 o'clock and 90 minutes gives me time to fall back to sleep and wake up again.  At 5 o'clock, I'm dead to the world.  Problem solving.

I have my last paid-for coaching call this week.  Once again, I'm on the fence about continuing.  She's fantastic, but I don't know what I "need" to work on.  That said, had I stopped earlier, I would have never stepped down my current path.  I'll ask her about it and do some thinking about a direction for future coaching.

Let's talk drinking -- alcohol.  Bare with me, this might be extra rambling.

Everywhere I look someone is experimenting with a sober period.  Bloggers, Melissa Urban, Brooke Castillo, friends, family.  I think it's great.  Take a moment to check yourself --  maybe that moment is forever if it feels better.

That said, my ears are ringing about SOBER lifestyle.  (Again, my age is showing because, to me, sober is the opposite of drunk -- I'm starting to adapt to the more modern use of the word though.)

I have experimented with a sober period and it was good.  So are periods when I drink a bit.  Listening and listening to testimonials that stopping (even a glass of wine a week) was life changing started giving me a complex about drinking.

Created a scarcity around alcohol.  Someday I will have to stop drinking entirely because that's the healthy choice.  It activated an all-or-nothing where there wasn't one.  Maybe I should drink tonight in case next month I can never try this new Costco wine (seriously -- thoughts like this).

Holly helped me with this one.  Don't take drinking off the table, don't "plan" to stop alcohol, don't create scarcity.  Guess what?  I'm back to not wanting to drink often at all.  Just like it's always been for me.  I'm not a big drinker, not a regular drinker and I was becoming one because I was scared it was going away forever.

Don't get me wrong -- sober works for you -- awesome.  I applaud you.  I don't care who is drinking or not drinking.  My glass of wine is not about anyone else.  But I never had a problem (other things, yep - drinking, nope).

Brooke Castillo did another great podcast last week.  She loves to use drinking in her examples.  She talked about how she "did enough drinking to last a lifetime" and now it's concluded.  She's moved onto another choice -- a sober phase in life and it's fantastic for her.  She says it's nice to wake up not be hungover, no worries about what she said the night before or how she acted.  No slurring words and acting the fool.  Over drink or be sober.

What's interesting is she never mentions a 3rd choice -- enjoying alcohol reasonably.  Not sober, but also not hungover.  A glass of wine with dinner.  I understand this isn't an option for her, but it IS and option for ME.

Moral of the story (it was a long way to get here) -- live your own life, listen to yourself.  Trends in health, etc may not apply.  Think for yourself (with Holly's help - hah).  I was getting talked into a problem that's not a problem for me.

I'm telling this story because when I was on Whole30, having the family over on Sunday was painful to not drink (I was in scarcity mode).  I was salivating for a glass of wine (or 3).  Yesterday, I didn't drink.  Didn't want to drink -- no issue.  I thought about a glass of wine, but wasn't in the mood for it.  This is NORMAL for me -- finally back to my regularly scheduled relationship with alcohol.

This was a ramble.  Hope it made sense.  There are so many health trends happening.  I need to experiment and figure out what makes sense for me -- regardless of everyone else.

Enough chatter -- nothing on the calendar today except house chores.  Happy Monday.  Later gators.

Good News

PJ was adopted yesterday.  He was supposed to meet everyone today, but the adopter called -- her plans changed.  Normally, we don't do same day adoptions, but she's a roommate of a Releash board member, a vet tech and she's off for a few days in a row.  It meant an afternoon of driving (had to go home and pick up his medications, etc. so a double trip) -- so worth it though.

Her roomie is getting a better picture today.  The husky is the most adorable dog -- with the funniest expressions.





Luckily, I picked up a salad for dinner so I was covered.  I was tired by the time I got home (3 o'clock until 8 o'clock) and fought the urge to open wine, eat cheese, etc.  I made the right decision and went to bed immediately.  Finished listening to a podcast and nighty night.

TMacFitness20 Update:
I started to sign up yesterday until I realized I had to give all the info -- including credit card (automatically bills), even for the free trial.  Not interested.  I checked YouTube and found a few free videos.  If I like it, then I'll sign up for the "free" which I'm sure ends up billing at least one month with cancelation requirements.  20 minutes for the warmup and workout.  The cool down and meditation adds another 8 minutes or so.  If I start doing it on the regular, I'll probably do the "workout" part twice.  It was good, just short.  I did my own cool down.  The Youtube options might tide me over for now.

I'm on the fence about running outside today.  My leg is feeling a little better and I don't want to back slide, but I want to have a longer cardio.  Another last minute workout decision.

I seriously JUST NOW remembered, I want to go to the Unity Service this morning.  Well, that might not be happening.  I need to do some quick time math to see if it's even possible.  In all the excitement yesterday, I forgot about this morning.

Guess this post is over and I need to scramble.  Not likely I'll go, but maybe ...

Later gators.

Making Choices

I didn't go to Fun Friday last night.

My stomach was wonky and I didn't feel well overall (chills, headache).

Hubby was disappointed but didn't want to go by himself so we were both home.  I was in bed by 6 o'clock and asleep an hour later.  I dumped all dog care to him.

Not sure if this is heat related or food related.  I made it though the outlet trip, but it was so incredibly hot and humid.  Even the youngest had enough (he found what he needed though - yeah).  We went to lunch and I ate tentatively because nothing worse than a stomach issue out of the house - hah.

After that, I changed into comfortable clothes and ended up on the sofa the rest of the day.  I thought I'd rally in time for the neighborhood gathering -- never happened.

I don't feel much better this morning.  Energy is low (might be from no dinner though) and my stomach is still bloated (maybe better once I get moving).

Not sure about a workout this morning.  Fast walk was on the schedule so I can run outside tomorrow.  I might switch to arms.  I boxed lightly yesterday and not enough to be arm-tired.  Still waiting on TMacFitness until I know I can give it a good try.  And a run might to too much tomorrow.  Decisions, decisions.

I'm also on the fence about the Farmers Market.  There's not a big pull to go, but I don't want to be stuck in the house all day again.

Up and down -- rollercoaster life.

I had a good day yesterday -- even with my stomachache.  Enjoyed the time with my youngest and was proud of my decision to stay home.  It was a bummer to not go but I chose myself first.

I swear -- my body is broke down (as they say in the south).  Last night I wondered if something was really wrong, but when I look at what's going on -- nothing is related.  A dog bite has nothing to do with a stomachache.  Leg injury has nothing to do with a headache.  Strange season (damn you karma LOL).

Maybe negative energy from my family drama is creating this chaos -- but I'm pushing forward.

Now, if the south would finally decide it's fall, life would be a delight.  Good lord this heat is a hot mess.  Next week is STILL in the 90s.  Even heat-loving people of the south are annoyed.  September is not summer for crying out loud!!

Hope to make something of this day that includes something other than sitting around -- that's the plan I have so far.  Later gators.

Happy Weekend

The hike yesterday was awesome -- hard, but not dangerous.  My kind of hike.  No cliffs, rock scrambles or places I can trip and die (!!) ... but the hills were steep -- up and down the entire way.

Took us 2 hours.  Atlanta had a record high of 97 and humid.  I sweated half my body weight.  Then I had a headache and bathroom issues all evening.  Yep, I'm delicate.  It was worth it though.  The lake and river were scenic and we got to see the dam -- pretty cool.  We're going to hike on the regular, once a month or so.

Came home to our neighborhood filled with goats.  Someone left the door open on their goat house -- a few eaten bushed and the goats were all safely returned.

Outlet shopping with the youngest today.  Not my favorite thing to do, but I'll enjoy the afternoon with him.  I'm taking him to Village Burger for lunch.  My stomach is still upset this morning -- hopefully it will settle down by lunch.

Fun Friday in the neighborhood tonight.  I was planning to make cookies, but my day filled up.  I'll figure out some quick dessert to bring.  Maybe blondies.

Still working on holding my own, standing up for myself.  It's amazing how often I need to stand up -- sometimes it's fatiguing.
...
The rescue is pushing for me to do more because some volunteers are stepping back.  Nope -- AGAIN.
...
Hubby is giving me grief for getting up early because our little dog wakes him up (not when I wake up -- about an hour later) and I'm upstairs so I can't help him.  Why can't I stay downstairs?  Nope -- look for another solution.
...
I can still help with the neighborhood Sunshine Club even if I'm not in bookclub.  Nope -- that was the point.
...
Let's go to Mexico for our 50th at this place or that place.  Nope -- too dangerous right now -- all of Mexico.

I've explained myself already so now my answer is either to ignore the comment or say -- sorry, I can't and leave it at that.  This lesson is alluding me -- I keep repeating it over and over.  Am I a total pushover?  You teach people how to treat you.  Did I do this?  Working at changing it.  I'm happy to compromise -- life doesn't need to be MY way, but I'm allowed to make choices.

That said, the week has been better than expected.  I have as full of a weekend as I want -- need to see how I feel (back, leg) before I commit to plans.  Not sure about Farmers Market and Unity service.  I have full days and I can fit it in, but not sure if it's worth it.  The Farmers Market is almost finished and the Unity service is a substitute.  Game day decisions.  PJ has a meet in the city on Sunday.  Saturday is possibly plans with the kids and it's the neighborhood yard sale (we are adding some things).

Fun and full weekend.  Shhhhhh ... not too loud because I seem to jinx it.   Later gators.

Thursday Updates

I had a great day yesterday and it's been a long time since I've felt that way.

Tai Chi -- went to the class at the last minute.  When I read over the description, it was all about healing and energy movement.  I figured my back could handle it.  There's a discussion about setting an intention for the class (as a group and individually), 10 minute meditation, warm up with body tapping, 18 movements of this particular Tai Chi repeated 3 times, 10 minute closing meditation.

It's a bit woo woo -- in a good way.  The meditations were awesome.  I don't know if I was in a zone or the instructor has incredible energy, but it was all the stuff meditation promises.  I've only experience that once before in a group meditation.  I liked the tapping (tapping feels good) and I sucked at the Tai Chi flow -- no one should be surprised by that LOL.  My hand were always opposite  and turned the wrong way.  I'll be better next time (hopefully).

It was so nice, I changed the time for my coaching call so I can go next week too.

Before the class, I started looking into trips for my 50th birthday next year.  Bestie and I are taking a week and hubby and I want a vacation too.  I chatted with both of them and we have some good ideas.  More on that later as we narrow things down.  Felt good to connect and laugh and plan.

PJ had a meet and greet scheduled for today which canceled my hike (with some neighbors).  The adopter cancelled (changed her mind) and I'm back to hiking.  Four of us going on about a 5 mile hike around an island at a local lake.

Here's why that news is exciting ...
I let go of book club -- not my people and another door opened to meet OTHER neighbors and find other connections.  Have to remember letting go is good.  Open space for other things.
...
I was disappointed for PJ and yesterday evening, he got another application which is possibly perfect (if the dogs get along).  Fingers crossed.  Letting go again and opening space for something else.

After Tai Chi class, I went to Trader Joe's and got all my favorite things.

Found a new book.  No Second Chance -- Harlan Coban.  $2 on kindle.  Sold.  So far, easy, simple, 1st person style.  Just the "junk" read I want right now.  It gets reasonable reviews, but for $2 "okay" is fine.

I needed to step up to do a home check for a new foster before she gets her dog (and she only works from home 2 days a week).  Drive is long.  Totally not looking forward to it and I seem to have to do this a lot.  Problem solved this annoyance.  It happens to be near one of my favorite hikes which I don't do often because it's so far away.  Hubby and I are going next week, hike, picnic and stopping by for the home check.  Now it's worth the drive and all the annoyance is gone.

I saw a live Instagram from Gretchen Rubin last night.  Happened to comment "come to ATL" and she saw it, and said she's coming in November.  Tickets purchased.  I want a chance to see her (and her sister) live.  I did get bamboozled for the ticket insurance -- I checked the box thinking it would tell you the price in advance.  Nope.  $8 per ticket.  Dang.  I was suckered.  No going back once you check the box.  It's billed separately with the information you provide.  What a scam.  Oh well.  Letting that go too (!!)

I can't say how long this feel-good stuff will last, but I'm taking this moment while I can get it.  I've been in a yucky place for too long.

If my back and leg hold out for the hike (and I don't have to pee in the woods), I'll call today a success too - hah.  Have a good one.  Later gators.

TMac Fitness

I'm looking for a new cross training workout to add to running and boxing.  Been on the search since I quit the boxing gym, but nothing has sparked my interest.

(I have a few classes left from my yoga studio package that I'm trying to use, but the studio is a significant drive -- won't be a regular thing even if I love it.)

I listened to Melissa Urban's podcast yesterday and she interviewed TMac Fitness founder.  I've seen him on her Instagram and had a general idea of what he's about -- didn't know his workouts are 20 minutes.  Didn't know that Mind Right is his meditation practice -- 5 minutes.  Interesting.

You can get a free trial -- 30 days free with code Whole30.   If I like it, it's $15 a month (not sure if it's month to month or you have to buy the entire year -- month to month, hopefully).

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't, but I need something else in the old tool box of workouts -- this seems like a possibility.  I can't run as much as I'd like and I'm sadly inconsistent with lifting workouts.  P.S.  It's a whole body workout just using your body -- no equipment needed, followed by 5 minutes of Mind Right.  It's the 20 minutes that has me -- sounds like a good filler workout for the week.

Thought I'd share.  More once I give it a go.

I had a cathartic morning yesterday (home alone which was a surprise -- hubby golfing).  I did an easy run on the treadmill and CRIED through my entire meditation.  Processing all this crap.  It was a surprise to write about my mother and stand strong with what I know is true.  Crazy emotions.  Trying to let them happen, not judge, not justify, not poo-poo.

It's also important that I don't make this more than it is -- or linger in upset too long.  Finding that balance.  My mother is difficult and I have some shadows from her dominance that are under the surface, but I have a good life, good relationships and her "stuff" hasn't "ruined" me.  And, I'm almost a 50 year old woman -- she doesn't have any control over me unless I GIVE her the control.

Given my morning upset, I ended up staying in all day -- hibernating a little.  I listened to some podcasts and puttered around the house.

One day of that was good -- more than one isn't.

I'm up at 5:30 this morning.  Not quite my 5 o'clock wake up -- close though.  The pull for super early is when I want to run outside, otherwise, the dogs and hubby have been sleeping until 7 or 8 -- no need for too early.  This gives me time to get some morning routine before dog routine.

I need to get out of the house today.  I was productive with house chores and rescue stuff yesterday but that's not OUT OF THE HOUSE.  Makes a huge difference in my mood and outlook for the day.  No ideas come to mind -- dang.  Need to find SOMETHING, anything.

I'm book-less, kind of.  I started a book that's been unread on my bookshelf for years.  It's one of those epic novels spanning continents and a lifetime (can't remember the name -- it's in the bedroom).  It's okay, but not drawing me to read.  I'm 60 pages into the story and want to stop.  I've given up on a lot of books lately -- what's up with that?  Since I have nothing waiting in the wings, I might give it a couple more nights before I ditch it -- we'll see.

Later gators.

This took a turn ...

I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water ... STILL.  The weekend was icky, but I kept pushing though.  Yesterday was okay and I pushed through again.

Today feels very blah.  I slept in because my body really needed that deep morning sleep.  Physically things are slowly picking up (although I cancelled all my physical activities this week).

Why blah?  I'm taking care of dogs, doing my things, prepping to have a later morning routine and I'm surrounded by COMPLAINTS (hello, hubby).  Complaints about little things, but a steady state of negative remarks.  I'm trying to hold onto a good attitude -- be grateful, positive focus.

I'm THAT sensitive right now.  I'm having trouble not picking up what he's throwing down.  I feel a swirl of negative around so many things -- not just him (!!).

Working on the hard family stuff is leaving me drained for regular life, but I MUST work through the family stuff.  I've been very vague, but I'll put it out there ... my mother has an axis 2 personality disorder and (to say it bluntly), she's mean and manipulative.  I handle it by allowing it, because rational discussions don't work in this kind of situation.  Knowing it's not actually me has helped (I learned this a few years ago -- having spent a lifetime trying to change our relationship), but all of a sudden it's not enough.

I don't want to keep "taking it."  I know I can't change how she views the world or me -- it's not rational and "can't argue with crazy," but I can limit my interaction and I can choose how I relate with her and choose MY actions.

Someone with an axis 2 disorder doesn't take kindly to non-submissive behavior and the push back is real and difficult to deal with -- she emails, texts, calls, spreads rumors, engages others to get me to cooperate.  It's constant.  I've never held my ground this firmly -- ever!

I don't talk about this with most people because unless you've experience someone with this problem, there is no way to understand the level of manipulation and subtleties that go along with the outright mean behavior.  I say we have a complicated relationship and leave it at that.

I've taken a deeper look into how being raised in this situation has shaped me -- and that's what I'm working on.  It's hard work.  Much harder than I expected.

This is why "regular" life feels so overwhelming.  One comment, one negative situation and I go to pieces inside.

No one knows I'm working on this except my life coach and my sister (P.S. my sister is in therapy to help her with our mother).  Not even my hubby (he knows a little, but even he doesn't understand fully).  Hubby know how my mother is and totally supports me, but he thinks I read too much into things sometimes -- my sister and I know that we don't -- and anyone who has ever dealt with this personality type also knows how deep it goes.  It makes a person on the receiving end feel crazy themselves -- it's isolating.

My family (hubby included) thinks I should acquiesce and play peacekeeper.  It's easier.  I did too -- for years I did this -- now peacekeeping feels horrible.  I need to STAND UP for myself for the first time.  Boundaries.  Things like -- you speak horrible to me, I end the phone conversation.  You rage at me on a voicemail and tell me to call you -- I won't.  I get a nasty email, I delete it with no response.

These boundaries seem basic, but what happens every time a boundary is held, she ups the response.  Gets angry.  Gets mean.  Spreads lies.  And it continues on and on -- she won't let it go.  That's why it's easy to give in.  Let her speak nasty to me, let her demand a phone call -- take it, because then she "wins" and doesn't escalate.  Who would believe the epic battle that comes from ignoring an email?  No one.  That's why I don't talk about it.  It doesn't make logical sense.

I didn't expect this to be a confessional of what's been upsetting lately.  I'm finally starting to talk about it and work through the idea that people will judge me (must be 2 sides to this story, your mother seems so nice, everyone should love their mother, you must be a horrible daughter) and not care.

Bringing all this forward instead of pushing it down is more work than I expected -- I didn't realize how much I pushed down all these years and it doesn't go away until you deal with it head on.

There you have it.  Maybe writing this is helpful -- stop carrying the secret and shame.  I hope so.

Later gators.

What a Weekend (Picture and Videos)

Five dogs is too many dogs.  Love them all, but lord have mercy.

I appear to be living under a black cloud of mishap ... or some sort of voodoo spell.  Another crazy accident.  A misunderstanding between PJ and Junebug (grand-dog) and BIG dog fight on my lap.  (PJ didn't see Junebug and jumped on her and it hurt -- they both went at it.)  I got bit on my forearm, but it didn't break the skin -- just a big bruise with swelling.  I also got bit under my arm (bra-line) and that broke the skin.  It's in a horrible spot and still throbs.

It was the only dog issue and as soon as it was over, they were back to being buddies.  Junebug is sweet as anything, but she's a biter when pushed.

Yesterday I got my monthly (early again -- hello peri-menopause).

A delivery of Eco-88 (cleans up dog messes) came broken and almost empty.  I was transferring what was left in the bottle to another container before I returned it and some spilled on my hand, but I wiped it off and thought nothing of it -- didn't WASH it off.  A little later, my hands started itching and burning.  My skin was white with red dots.  It took washing, soaking, cream and repeat for an hour to stop the reaction.  Lesson learned.  Hello, strange happenings.

I went to bed yesterday with my back and hip hurting, both bit areas throbbing, headache and cramps and flaky palms of my hands.

See what I mean??  Black cloud.

Surprisingly my mood is okay.  I'm doing the "things" and handling stuff better.  I was on dog duty all day Saturday and I got STUFF DONE!  So many nagging things that were ignored when my back was out.  I planned to do them today, but got everything cleared up Saturday.

I have lunch with a friend today (a new local restaurant) and boy, do I need it.  Wash the black cloud away and start a new week.

Workouts are still funky.  Taking care of little dogs all weekend was hard on my back (putting harnesses on, picking up dogs, picking up poop LOL).  I need to do something, but I also think if I rest a little bit this week, my back can feel better.  I'm scheduled for 2 new workout classes tomorrow and Wednesday and need to decide if I can try them.  I've never taken them so I have no idea if I can manage.  I also have my monthly so there's that too.  I think I should cancel and register for next week instead.  Yep, just writing it out -- I know the answer.

That means I need to put something else on the calendar for those days -- hibernating (whether on purpose or not) is NOT good for my mood.  I'm fighting hard to get in a better place and that means FORCING myself to do all The Things.

I have some thinking to do.

I'll leave with some pictures from this weekend.  PJ is making awesome progress -- he's a sweetheart.
Later gators.

The crew.
Feeding circle :)

ON THE GRASS!!
Using his nose!! Good boy, PJ.

Celebrating youngest.
It's a 3 layer, strawberry short cake.
Have mercy -- he took most of it home.

PJ WALKING outside.  This is HUGE!

Playtime. (Junebug, Duke and PJ)

They played all the time.

The dog fight was so unfortunate.

It's a Dog Eat Dog World ...

... and I'm wearing milk bone underwear.

Where's this expression from?

This morning our dog count goes to FIVE.  That's a lot.  I know many people with a double digit dog count, but not us.  We will be living, breathing all things dog for the next 2 1/2 days.  Luckily, it's a short stay :)

Yesterday was a back-at-it kind of day.

I walked on a paved trail with a friend and ended up walking 6 miles.  I did an easy, 2 mile treadmill walk before (to test my back).  Even though I didn't have a "heart rate" workout, it felt good to move.  My mood was darn right pleasant all day!!

My youngest got a job he was super excited about -- my heart is exploding for him.  It was a long, lesson-ridden road, but he did it.  Perseverance.  He'll have a couple of weeks off before the new job starts so I'll get some fun time with him -- he's always up for some free activities compliments of mom.  He's coming over Sunday for football and a celebration.

PJ is getting the hang of potty training and being outside.  It's not so much he isn't potty trained, it's more he's scared to go outside.  It's just a matter of time and he'll be housebroken.  In the meantime, belly bands are saving our carpets.

My back continues to feel better.  Sticking with walking on the treadmill, but hoping to do an easy run this weekend.  No lifting or boxing yet.

I finished the book last night.  The ending wasn't great (dang).  It became disturbing in a detailed way and the ending wasn't believable.  Actually, what wasn't believable was how all the characters were suddenly fine and happy -- even with a crazy situation.  I enjoyed the read ... until the end.  Oh well.  (Then She Was Gone -- Lisa Jewell).  On the search for the next book ...

I'm going to miss the Farmers Market this weekend.  Hubby has tennis and I can't leave the dogs.  The Unity Service is a celebration of grandparents (it's grandparents day) and that's skip worthy for me.

If I don't check in until Monday, you'll know the household went to the dogs.  Happy Weekend!

Later gators.

Watching me cook.
My silly boy.

Hello, World

I'm upright and giving normal living a try this morning.

No workout yet, but some walking.  Baby steps.

This is the first morning I can sit in a chair and with only mild discomfort (although it's getting worse).

The bummer news is we are dog sitting starting tomorrow morning - granddoggies.  I LOVE having them but the timing means one of us has to be home all weekend.  Dang.  Hubby has plans both days so looks like I'm The Sitter for the weekend.

Fingers crossed my back holds up today because Monday is a start of DOING stuff.  Don't know what, but SOMETHING.

This afternoon hubby and I are dropping off an old Pottery Barn mirror for a facelift.  It was one of the "things" on my to-do list during my social fast (lol).  The painter was away and now we are all set.  White with a gray glaze and mild distressing.  Before and after pictures when she's back home.

I had my coaching call yesterday -- all about that troubled family member who is giving me grief.  Holly is personally familiar with type of personality (axis 2) and gave me some book references.  It felt good to talk to someone else about it, but that's enough talking.  Too much power to the situation. I won't spill any beans since this is a public place and it doesn't feel right to talk about her.

I started coaching thinking I was going to work on one thing, but it's gone deeper and maybe this is the level I need to explore.

Anyway, that book I mentioned yesterday (Then She Was Gone) ... if the ending is even a little good, it's a winner.  SUSPENSE like crazy.  I wanted to stay up and read the entire book -- it's that good.  Disclaimer: I love this kind of suspense book so I'm extra partial to a good one.

I still don't have much to say since my life has been leaning on a pile of pillows.  I'm mushy and soft and totally feeling yucky.  I need a big sweat in the worst way.  I think some problem solving is in order today.

Adventure-less, bored and lame.  Fun week.  Certainly not what I expected.  One day I might actually be able to handle these set-backs with more grace.  Until then ...

Later gators.