Monday Blues

Goodness, I feel like I fell apart -- physically and mentally.

My back is bad ... not quite "out" but very close.  I have a headache (crying) and stomach ache (sad). My eyes are swollen (crying and probably the filler LOL).  I slept for 11 hours and could sleep more (sad).

I think I'll be back to a relative normal today.  I'm sort of all cried out -- maybe.

I got in the car to go to Unity and the car was set up for when we transported Parker.  I cried the entire way to church -- almost called my friend to cancel.  I got there early, pulled myself together, but when she saw me ... oh, you look so sad.  So I started crying again.  Dang.

The service was nice, but very emotional.  Lots of people crying.  I sat the entire time trying not to cry, feeling like I was going to puke.  Goodness.

Breakfast was good and we talked about OTHER things -- thankfully.  Got through it, but cried the entire way home.

I needed to deal with some thoughts that were making me "extra" upset.  I worked through them last night, hopefully.  One example was being relieved that the expense for his end of life care was finished -- it was over $500 a month between all the things and going higher.  I felt so GUILTY having this thought -- like it was something to be happy about.  As though I'd rather save the money than have him here -- NOT TRUE at all, but I needed to face that thought head on.  If I had known his last walk was his last walk, I would've made it more special.  Things like this.  Guilt, shame, wishing things different.

When all that those thoughts are gone, I'm left with the happiest memories of him and an empty feeling not having him here.  That is normal grief and soon the happy memories will out shine the empty feeling.

I've lost a lot of people in my life -- people I loved (my dad, etc).  Yet, I've cried more losing Parker.  I didn't see my dad everyday or talk to him everyday.  When he died, of course, it was horrible, yet I only cried occasionally.  Sunday night when we usually talked.  When something came up that I wanted to tell him.  When enough time went by that I wanted expect to have a visit.  When I heard a song he loved.

Grief with Parker is all the time because he was ALL THE TIME.  He followed me everywhere.  We were a team.  Every moment is an opportunity to miss him.  In my office, typing a post ... his head would be on my lap or he'd be laying at my feet.  In the kitchen ... that was mandatory he was at my side waiting for a treat.  On the sofa.  In the bedroom.  Going outside.  Hearing the garage door -- always at the window.  He's wag his tail, I'd bend down and kiss his big, fluffy head.

Best teammate ever.

I'm going to take a couple of days to be alone with the empty and not try to fill it.  I'll be back when I'm ready to chat about other things.