When it Rains ...

Sweet heaven, our family had a big jolt yesterday.  My BIL (sister's husband) was diagnosed with rectal cancer at 46 years old.  Thursday is the CT and whether it's spread outside the region is for all the marbles.  Contained in the area = good prognosis.  Spread to liver or lungs (stage 4) = poor prognosis.  We are all sitting in a big bath of worry and saying a whole lot of prayers.

While my heart is breaking for my sister (and BIL), this news has rallied me around LIVING a BETTER LIFE.  I know this kind of stuff usually does -- and it's usually a temporary rush of making-life-count, but that's what's happening now.

The first thing my BIL said was I haven't had the chance to do the things I want to do -- what if this is the end and I spend it all in treatment and pain.

I was looking over my quote book yesterday morning and I wrote down 2 quotes that resonated with me -- I planned to chat about them today, not knowing the news in store for my BIL.

"What a beautiful life I've lived.  It's a pity I didn't notice sooner." -- Collette.

This quote has driven my urge for something more, something different, something better for YEARS.  It's the rocking chair quote.  Sitting on a rocking chair at the end of your life -- what would you think.  THIS is the fear that was driving my desire to change.  I felt like I'd have massive regret for not "getting" life better.  A fantasy that I find out the end is near and THAT'S when I suddenly understand how to live MY best life -- just when there's not a lot of time.

I had this feeling after my father died suddenly (a month after my MIL died from a long battle with cancer).  A feeling of DO THINGS NOW.  I did.  Went to nursing school, ran a marathon, push my goals sooner, made my life bigger.  That spurred on the push to where I (we) are now.

Then the "doing" goals were achieved.  We reached our finish line and I sat in this feeling that I needed to learn to enjoy what I earned -- I embraced the process, but couldn't enjoy reward.  I didn't know how to do something different, be something different.  That lingering feeling that if I did all the same things, I would sit on that rocking chair with a huge regret.

How sad to achieve what you set out to achieve and never enjoy the reason why you had those goals in the first place.  And why?  Ego (can't let go of career).  Fear (do I have enough).  Doubt (am I making a mistake).  More ego (what do people think).

On top of this sad news, my 37 year old cousin is having a double mastectomy today after 6 months of chemo.  Radiation and medication and reconstruction over the next 18 months.  A very good friend's 46 year old SIL was diagnosed with aggressive early onset Alzheimer’s and was given very little time (she has an 11 and 14 year old) -- devastating.

Same lesson from every direction.  Life is short; life is unexpected.  None of these people "caused" their situation.  All are young with no genetic or lifestyle risks.  All got hit with lightening.

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Big heavy post today.  Switching gears to the everyday stuff.

The other quote was from Brene Brown -- "strong back, soft front."  I've been reminding myself of this as I navigate the "problem" list.  Stand up for myself (strong back) but be open and kind (soft front).  The two can coexist and I'm better for it when I do BOTH.

Had my hair appointment and all of us chatted about what went wrong with my last updo and how to fix it for next time.  Totally nailed the "strong back, soft front."

The circuit class was good and long and hard.  Just what I needed.  I haven't had many long AND hard workouts since I left the boxing classes.  Dang (!!)  It's felt good to push.  My muscles are sore, but my back is fine.  I modified when I needed and the instructor helped me figure out modifications that still work the muscle of that circuit.  It's a good option for using up my class package.

It's good to feel good.  So far 2020 is challenging me on this motto.  I'm still committed to it -- maybe even more that I was before.  Challenges to push me forward -- help me see my "why."  Challenges that aren't even really mine ... mine, once removed.  I'm paying attention -- reading this loud and clear.

I have a coaching call today.  As usual, I'm curious where it's headed.  My emotions have been all over the place since my last call and "what" I think I'm talking about has changed over and over.  I'll fill you in tomorrow.  Later gators.