Pray With Moving Legs

Mood is starting lift -- ever so slowly.  As my Tai Chi class says -- part the clouds, see the sun.  I've moved to partly cloudy days LOL.  Progress.

I FORCED myself to do things yesterday.  Not hard things, just SOMETHING.

I had a slower and shorter interval treadmill run.  I ran until I felt like I worked out.  Something about sweating and breathing hard that makes a mind feel better.  My back is wonky, but it held up.

I dipped my toe back in the water of 50th birthday trip planning with my high school friends.  This has been overwhelming me -- herding cats to make some sort of decision.  It's also high on my boundary holding and that felt too much right now.  EXCEPT, we need to get planning.  I sent a group message and also was honest about my thoughts (don't want a villa in the countryside -- too boring).  So far, the ball is moving.  We'll see if we actually make progress this time.

Met the aunties and the dogs for a dog walk and dog lunch.  This was a major mood turner.  FAMILY (!!)  Laughing, moving, sunshine, fresh-air.  I needed it all.  I left and I felt GOOD -- first time in days.

Found a 3rd place for dress shopping for the wedding.  Need to get this moving so it gets off my stress list.  I was trying and hitting walls -- made me want to ignore it altogether, which would be the worst thing to do.  And, of course, extra yucky that my pants are too tight.

I put some FUN things on the calendar for next week.  Turned down something I didn't want to do -- keeping true to what feels good.  Finding MY balance is still new to me and requires effort.  Effort on anything feels unappealing right now -- mental effort, physical effort.

I made a list of 5 things that I didn't want to do -- wrong bills, problems with appointments, etc.  I did ONE yesterday.  Easiest one, but it counts.

It seems when I feel a strong emotion -- anything strong, good or bad -- it's like a storm that pulls all the other emotional situations in with it.  Energizes smaller emotions.  Amplifies situations.  That's where I am now.  I'm upset and lots of daily life things are getting pulled into this storm and electrified.  The smallest thing that shouldn't upset me feels overwhelming.  Dealing with a wrong bill feels like a herculean task.

This happens when I'm super duper happy too.  Nothing bothers me.  Sunshine and sparkles.  Daily "problems" are no big deal.  Wouldn't mind feeling this way again soon -- hint, hint, dear Universe.

This is where this personal growth work comes into play.  It's not easy to believe when you feel crappy.  Accept what is.  Universe is working for me, not against me.  My business, your business, Universe's business and mine is the only one to worry about.

Yesterday was better and that's the plan for today.  I have an afternoon nail appointment and I'm going to have fun with it.  SNS break for a month and a "color" on my fingers (neutral, but not clear).  A little bit of fun, but it's a start.  Good to feel good.  Some sort of workout this morning that's "back approved" and that will be a solid start.  We have the neighborhood Fun Friday tonight and it's at the lodge.  I might go because I have stuff to make pigs in a blanket and at the lodge feels easier -- we'll see.  Honoring what feels good today, but also getting some crap done.

"Pray with moving legs."

A quaker quote -- ACTION is required with prayer.  I like this.  I've been praying hard, but not moving very little.  "Moving" today.  Later gators.

More TV

Well, yesterday was another TV watching day set around some cooking.  Dang, this back is a problem.  Good news -- feels better this morning.  Better, as I can actually do something today.

What did I watch?  Oh, some good ones.

Dirty John.  One season only.  Based on a true story.  It was interesting.  I'd say enjoyable, but since it's got some truth to it, that seems unkind to enjoy watching a family's living hell.  I started it the other day and finished it up yesterday.

You (Season Two).  I'd been holding off because my gal pals didn't love the new season.  What?!?  It's AWESOME so far.  Clever, clever, clever.  Reminds me of Dexter and they even had a character make that comment (guess they were aware of the similarities of a likable killer).  I have about half the season left and you bet I'm watching more tonight.  (I'm sure my back will be ready for some rest by then.)

Reading Wanderers .... still.  Now and forever.  50% read.  400 MORE pages left.  It's good-ish.  I like the story, but wish they'd get on with it.  I have a feeling I'll say that it was a good read, but could've been half the length.

I have a list waiting behind this book, but if I start something else, I'll never go back to this story.  BTW, I was looking up movie times and noticed the book I've owned FOREVER (and moved to my "read" list) is now a movie.  Weird mojo in selecting that off my shelf.  Not sure if I'll read the book or see the movie.  Just Mercy.

I also worked on getting my dress for my son's wedding in May.  Found 2 places that specialize in mother's dresses and don't need appointments.  Other places don't seem to want the business of just ONE dress -- they want the bride, bridesmaids, etc. too before they will give you an appointment.  I'll go this month.  Once I have a few "good" days under my belt, I'll make the appointment.  Right now, I look like CRAP.  I'm one of those people who cries for 5 minutes and looks strange the rest of the day.  Hair appointment on Tuesday -- so after that.  I think the first time I'll go myself -- get girlfriends involved later if I need help.

I'm still sad.  Nowhere near where I was though and it's getting better each day.  Good memories outshining the sadness.  I knew I'd miss my old sweet boy and I knew I'd be sad, but I didn't expect it to hit this hard.  As I said yesterday, it's time to start moving out of hibernation.  Pulling myself out of the sad is not as easy as I thought, but you got to fake it til you make it.  His memory is EVERYWHERE and keeps hitting me in unexpected ways.

It's like I'm in a hole and don't want to get out.  I'm sad, but this is more of a mood that has taken hold.  I don't want to use the BIG word (depression) because this isn't that -- more of a temporary, little bump of depression.  Nothing feels fun.  Nothing feels inspiring to do.  Not dress shopping.  Not going out.  Not cooking.  I want to be in bed all day.  Back pain isn't helping matters.

Today ends the hibernation and, hopefully, ends this mood.  Sad will stay on-and-off, but this overwhelming mood must go.

Off to the treadmill for some sort of workout.  Fingers crossed.  Later gators.

2020 Hoopla

Why do I feel like my entire New Year's, 2020 hoopla was a dud on the launching pad?

Probably, because, so far it is (!!)

My back is no joke.  Laying low on the sofa with a heating pad is kind of nice for a day ... then it's boring and visions of slugs come to mind.

I was a little productive yesterday -- by force.  My big Costco run needed to be cooked, refrigerator cleaned out after the party and house prepped for cleaning crew.  That was all I managed.

Woke up feeling a bit better.  Making coffee and I heard trash truck coming up the street.  Did hubby remember?? -- nope and he was sound asleep.  I FLEW the cans to the end of the driveway.  Heavy, extra full cans.  Guess what isn't a bit better anymore?  BUT, trash is gone.  Took one for the team.

2020 -- year of GOOD to FEEL GOOD.  Then my dog dies.  Then my back goes out.

If this is a test -- I'm failing mightily.

And since I feel sad and bad and all the things ... let's throw on extra not-necessary emotions.  Envy, hurt, frustrated.  All pushed at people because I am sad and feel bad (can't resist the rhyme this morning).  Even in my "mood" I can see these situations (and people) don't deserve my emotions.

I don't like feeling this way and I know I can change this, so that's the plan for today ... and the rest of the week.  Do the things that I KNOW make me feel better.  The list rarely changes and yet I fight so hard doing it when life feels hard.

Didn't I JUST do this ... yep.

Got to love a life on an endless loop ... how do I get off and FIX this once and for all?!?

Peppy post for hump day.

Anyway ... the WHAT I'm doing this week is getting out of the house.  Sad and bad back = hibernation.  Hibernation = feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday I'm meeting my aunts and the dogs for a walk in the park.
Friday I'm getting my nails done -- SNS break for a month.
Saturday I'm taking a meditation class with my girlfriend, her daughter and her MIL.
Sunday Unity class and kids are coming over with grand-dogs for a football game.

Today is tricky.  Cleaning crew early.  I MIGHT try a jog on the trail with my dog.  The trail flooded over the weekend and I'm not sure it's open yet.  I need to watch my back ... it's a big MAYBE.  If not, maybe a shopping trip to get some pillows for the sofa.  It all depends on my back.  Rest is what fixes it.  Maybe it has to be one more day of rest.  If I don't get a chance to get out of the house, Plan B is a LONG meditation.  That I can do no matter what -- once cleaning crew is finished.

Okay, problems that aren't problems be damned.  Off to have a better day.  Wishing you a great one too.  Later gators.

All Cried Out

For now ...

Here's some other scoop.

I did NOTHING yesterday but sit on the sofa, rest my back and watch TV.  I started Virgin River on Netflix.  It's okay.  A little bit over the top as it goes on.  EVERYONE has something dark and hard in their past and lots of the characters are heroes at every turn.  Saving lives, changing lives, understanding about everything, in love, etc.  It's a bit gag worthy at times.

I gave it a break and moved onto Sister Wives.  Judge me not.  I've watched this since the beginning and it's my secret, guilty pleasure.  My real sister watches it too and we chat about it every episode.  I like this family and I'm shocked by this family (not the multiple wives, just the decisions they make).  I'm routing for them and for their family's success AND I love watching all the crazy unfold.

Then I watched old episodes of Criminal Minds.  Told you, it was a NOTHING day.

That said, I have some interesting woo woo to tell.  Bare with me, it's a little convoluted.

Ask and It Is Given is a total woo woo book about manifesting.  There are many methods listed for achieving what you need -- some basic, some really over-the-top.  Anyway, one take away from the book is using a technique of The Placemat.  On one side you write down thing-you-will-handle.  On the other side your write down things-the-universe-will-handle.

Then you throw the paper away.  Do this once -- you asked.  Don't need to repeat it.  Don't need to laminate it on the refrigerator.  Believe it's been heard and the universe is working to take care of its list.

From the practical side of things, it's a good way to relieve stress about things you feel out of control about fixing.  You release it to a higher power.  Have faith things will work out in the best way possible.

I did this once before ... asked the universe to help with the sale of the house, placement of our foster dog and one other thing that I can't remember LOL.  All the things got taken care of almost immediately.  It was CRAZY.

Lately, I've been stressed about 3 things.  (1) Parker's passing.  (2) Hubby getting a job.  (3) Wedding Shower.

I wrote The Placemat a few days before the end of the year.

(1) Parker's passing --- I wanted it to be peaceful.  I didn't want him to slow decline because being joyful was so much a part of this sweet boy.  It was just as it needed to be -- I asked and it happened.  P.S. This was part of my faulty thinking since he died -- did I wish this quick passing into happening?  I'm grateful for a quick end that was coming regardless.

(2) Hubby's job -- he has a few interviews that he got called on this week.  Nothing definitive, but things are moving again.

(3) Wedding Shower -- I've been STRESSED about this.  Take my word that it had become a potential for a small turn out and a boring event.  Random, distance scattered people, horrible date options and nothing exciting to do based on the diverse group.  I have researched, asked everyone I know who has been to showers lately, made calls, researched more.  STRESS (!!)  BTW, my DIL is having a huge shower up north with her family, a work shower and a friend's weekend in the Hamptons.  I wanted to cancel, but I felt horrible.

Yesterday the idea solidified (with help from a conversation with a girlfriend).  Long story a bit shorter.  DIL, her mom and I are going to a fancy spa for 6 hours of pampering on my tab.  Bonding with the ladies of the family.  Special day.  It works on every level.  Turns out, DIL was also concerned about the logistics of a traditional shower.  Phew.

2 out of 3 Universe.  You are rocking it.  I best get at my side of the list (not shocker ... eating better, thinking better, etc).

Does this really work?  Was it happening anyway?  I don't know, but what I do know is I instantly felt better when I wrote it out.  That was the goal -- good to feel good.

I've rambled a lot this morning.  My back is better, not perfect.  I'm doing a light workout and seeing what's happening.  Time to move a little today.  Later gators.

Monday Blues

Goodness, I feel like I fell apart -- physically and mentally.

My back is bad ... not quite "out" but very close.  I have a headache (crying) and stomach ache (sad). My eyes are swollen (crying and probably the filler LOL).  I slept for 11 hours and could sleep more (sad).

I think I'll be back to a relative normal today.  I'm sort of all cried out -- maybe.

I got in the car to go to Unity and the car was set up for when we transported Parker.  I cried the entire way to church -- almost called my friend to cancel.  I got there early, pulled myself together, but when she saw me ... oh, you look so sad.  So I started crying again.  Dang.

The service was nice, but very emotional.  Lots of people crying.  I sat the entire time trying not to cry, feeling like I was going to puke.  Goodness.

Breakfast was good and we talked about OTHER things -- thankfully.  Got through it, but cried the entire way home.

I needed to deal with some thoughts that were making me "extra" upset.  I worked through them last night, hopefully.  One example was being relieved that the expense for his end of life care was finished -- it was over $500 a month between all the things and going higher.  I felt so GUILTY having this thought -- like it was something to be happy about.  As though I'd rather save the money than have him here -- NOT TRUE at all, but I needed to face that thought head on.  If I had known his last walk was his last walk, I would've made it more special.  Things like this.  Guilt, shame, wishing things different.

When all that those thoughts are gone, I'm left with the happiest memories of him and an empty feeling not having him here.  That is normal grief and soon the happy memories will out shine the empty feeling.

I've lost a lot of people in my life -- people I loved (my dad, etc).  Yet, I've cried more losing Parker.  I didn't see my dad everyday or talk to him everyday.  When he died, of course, it was horrible, yet I only cried occasionally.  Sunday night when we usually talked.  When something came up that I wanted to tell him.  When enough time went by that I wanted expect to have a visit.  When I heard a song he loved.

Grief with Parker is all the time because he was ALL THE TIME.  He followed me everywhere.  We were a team.  Every moment is an opportunity to miss him.  In my office, typing a post ... his head would be on my lap or he'd be laying at my feet.  In the kitchen ... that was mandatory he was at my side waiting for a treat.  On the sofa.  In the bedroom.  Going outside.  Hearing the garage door -- always at the window.  He's wag his tail, I'd bend down and kiss his big, fluffy head.

Best teammate ever.

I'm going to take a couple of days to be alone with the empty and not try to fill it.  I'll be back when I'm ready to chat about other things.

Family Gathering

We still had the party yesterday.  I thought it would be a good distraction -- and it was -- for all of us. I didn't take pictures (bummed, because the dogs were so cute together).

My aunt brought her one year old lab mix (she adopted her from Releash) and she and Duke had an awesome time playing.  Duke has been out of sorts.  I don't know what he understands, but he knows something is upsetting.

It was nice to have our family gathered, laughing, remembering Parker ... we felt the love.

Getting ready for the party was another thing.  I was exhausted -- didn't sleep well, cried up until an hour before the party.  I had ALL the cooking to do in one day which is hard on my back.  I got it all done and it was a success (all easy things), but I felt like I was run over by a mac truck before the party even started.

The football game went to overtime so things didn't wrap up until about 9 o'clock.  I went to bed with a half messy kitchen (I'll get to it later).  Both Duke and I were worn to a nub LOL.

I'm going to Unity this morning for a special New Year's service -- it's one of their big ones.  White Stone Ceremony.  Meeting my girlfriend and catching up with lunch after the service.  I almost canceled because I don't feel well, but I can rest later today.  My head hurts, my stomach is a mess (has been since Friday) -- but more distraction is a good thing today too.

Parker was such a big part of my EVERY SINGLE DAY and it's going to take time to get used not having him by my side ... pretty much ALWAYS.  He was my dog, my baby and I was his person.  This dog was light and love and all things joyful.  I say this with no exaggeration or dramatics.  To know him was to love him -- he had a following LOL -- and everyone remembers his antics and huge smiles.

I'm taking care of myself while I'm sad.  I don't need to talk to people or cry with people.  I need to be alone and let myself love his memory.  People are a good distraction -- I'm well aware this is a part of loving a dog and life moves forward.

I'm learning to allow my feelings and I'm going to let myself be sad as much as I need -- privately, like I do, but unapologetically (which is growth for me).

Tomorrow I'll be back to chat about something else ...

Godspeed, Sweet Parker

The end came very quickly.  Yesterday afternoon, it was time to say goodbye.  His heart and soul were still with us, but his body failed.

This hurts ... so much.  You don't get to love a dog and escape the hard goodbye though.

I'm grateful for this big, loving, playful, goofy, sweet boy.  He "chose" us and we are forever grateful.   I prayed that when it was time, it would be swift and peaceful.  I'm grateful for that prayer answered.

We were the luckiest family to have him for so many years.

My prayer now, is that he knows how much we loved him -- I believe in that prayer too.