Some Good News

Let's start with some good news for a change -- BIL's CT scan is clear.  Phew.  He meets with his MD team today to hear about next steps, but this was a major relief.  Looks like a solid prognosis.

Dinner was fun last night.  I opted out of noodles -- I thought ramen were rice noodles, nope, wheat.  Option for GF noodles was beet pasta -- wish there was a zoodle option. I got a sushi rice bowl instead -- which had odd things in it like romaine lettuce.  Wouldn't get it again.  Fun vibe to the restaurant, great service and reasonably priced though.  I'd go back and order a little differently.

None of us chose to drink last night.  My girlfriend is doing her first ever dry month and I'm proud of her.  I'm doing the same -- break from the holidays.  It was refreshing.  Nice to change it up a little.  P.S. None of us over-drink at a restaurant, but we usually have a couple of drinks over the evening.  Made the bill nice too :)

Can I old person complain a minute ... what's with new restaurants being so LOUD?!  All the open ceiling work makes for difficult conversation when it's busy.  This seems to be a trend.  Not sure why this is preferred -- even for fancier restaurants.  Can't hear myself think.  Servers have to shout.  I don't understand it.

I finished my "problem" list yesterday and got all my house-office paperwork stuff finished.  Yea ME!!  Feels good to be over that imaginary hump.  I was in a yucky place for too long and regular life hiccups felt like the end of the world.

Building up my calendar again -- now that I'm back to myself a bit more.  Forcing myself to do the things that make my life BETTER.  I'll be glad I did.  As soon as I feel "off," I hibernate.  Then the hibernation becomes the source of the problem, not the solution.  It's a tricky balance.

First up -- ENTERTAINING.  I've been so-so-so bad about having friends over to see the house.  Family, yes.  Friends, no.  I'm have my former neighbor pals over for lunch.  Just the ladies -- makes it easier and fulfills my forgotten promise.  Working on a date.  The men don't want to see the house anyway LOL.

I want to have my new neighbors over too.  Probably another casual thing.  I'm struggling to want to throw a big evening.  Still problem solving how this will work.

Booking flights today to go to my DIL's shower in Ohio in March.  Her mom is throwing a big family shower and I'm invited.  I love being included in her family day.  It'll be nice to meet everyone.  Weddings are rushed and I won't have much time to chat with people.  Am I possibly thinking about Shower Cake too?!?  Maybe ... hah.  Pretty please, anything but yellow with chocolate icing.  I forgot how much cake plays a party in all-things-wedding.

We have a spa/golf day in the works for early February.  We'll finalize the details this weekend.  Such fun to hang out with friends.  Guys golfing, ladies spa-ing.  Meeting up for a wine tasting and dinner.  Splurge date and I'm all for it.

Not half bad stuff in the works :)

Oh, and we're getting a foster dog.  Owner surrender (moving and don't want him -- poor sweet boy).  Little guy named Bear (8 years old).  He has bladder stones and probably needs surgery before we get him.  That's not fun.  That's all I know right now.

He has a serious face in all the pictures LOL.

Nothing happening today.  I had the day reserved for my uncle coming into town and a family lunch.  That's moved to next week (or maybe not at all).  A day open to possibilities.  If only the reality was as romantic as that sounds -- I'll probably do house chores.

Happy Weekend.  Later gators.

Coaching (!!)

Can I start by saying how glad I am to do life coaching with Holly (!!)  It took time to find the right coach and the right format, but this is really good for me.  I've said before, I never had therapy and I think therapy is valuable, but it wasn't a fit for me now.

We talked about the heavy things since our last call -- Parker, cancer in family, job concern, etc.  It was good and productive.  Ways to keep my heart light and my energy strong, etc.  Ways to honor my feelings too (this is MY life coaching, after all).  Things like I'm disappointed my sister and family won't be at my son's wedding.  Both are okay --I know they can't come and understand, but I can STILL feel disappointed.

I mentioned I was having this weird anxiety about the Pottery Barn bill mistake.  I had one avenue left to fix the problem and then I didn't know what to do.  Short of hiring a lawyer (which made no financial sense) -- I was out of options.  I spend hours every month on the phone when the bill comes trying to fix it (the problem is so complicated 8 months later).  The dispute department "ruled" and refused to look at it again -- PB wouldn't send the bill to collections and it was growing with interest every month.  I argued they weren't looking at the correct problem.  This anxiety was keeping me up at night.  I wanted to close my eyes, pay the damn wrong bill and be DONE.

Holly asked me questions and follow up questions and came to the route of my anxiety with the situation.  To simplify and paraphrase -- basically an endless loop with no decision.  I need to set a line in the sand and when that line was hit, I needed to have a decision waiting.  So I did.

Then I called Pottery Barn.  TWO HOURS on the phone, conference call with up to 5 people on the line and it appears to be fixed.  Yep, it was their error.

Here's where life coaching came in.  I made a decision and instantly felt in control.  CONTROL = CERTAINTY for me and that relaxed me completely.  While waiting for another manager to come on the line, I was chatting with a customer service representative (who is my hero in this saga).  She said -- I can't believe how calm you are after all this ... our notes go on forever and you've taken so much time to fix something that should have been fixed with your first call.  She thanked me for being a nice person.

Yep, THAT is how life coaching is helping me navigate life when it gets prickly.  Maybe, maybe not the bill is fixed, but I'm in a headspace to handle it without overreaction, with patience and with kindness.

I mentioned to Holly that I felt funny using up time talking about such a silly worry.  Holly said that's exactly what I should bring up.  Things that don't make sense, overreactions, things that won't stop bugging at me.  She can help get to the REAL route of the problem.  I'll find a pattern in circumstances with the same route problem and learn to notice and fix them as they show up.  I wish I talked to her sooner about the stupid bill.

Anyway ...

The sun is coming out today -- or so we've been told.  Days and days of rain are finished until the weekend.  Time to get outside with my crazy dog.  He's bored out of his mind (little guy HATES to be wet).

Tonight is a couple's dinner at a new ramen noodle restaurant.  We can't go until 7 o'clock (which feels a little late since we'll have a wait -- no reservations), but I'm looking forward to getting out and catching up with friends.

My day is a mix of finishing up paperwork and administrative calls (problem list) and GETTING OUTSIDE.  I won't run outside until tomorrow though.  Trail needs a day to dry out because it gets slippery (made that mistake before) and our neighborhood is still a paving mess.  Boxing at home and lots of walking my little man.

My BIL's appointment with his doctors got moved until Friday (so the CT can be read).  My cousin's surgery went well with good results from the chemo.  Still praying hard.

Long post, so I'll end things here.  Later gators.

When it Rains ...

Sweet heaven, our family had a big jolt yesterday.  My BIL (sister's husband) was diagnosed with rectal cancer at 46 years old.  Thursday is the CT and whether it's spread outside the region is for all the marbles.  Contained in the area = good prognosis.  Spread to liver or lungs (stage 4) = poor prognosis.  We are all sitting in a big bath of worry and saying a whole lot of prayers.

While my heart is breaking for my sister (and BIL), this news has rallied me around LIVING a BETTER LIFE.  I know this kind of stuff usually does -- and it's usually a temporary rush of making-life-count, but that's what's happening now.

The first thing my BIL said was I haven't had the chance to do the things I want to do -- what if this is the end and I spend it all in treatment and pain.

I was looking over my quote book yesterday morning and I wrote down 2 quotes that resonated with me -- I planned to chat about them today, not knowing the news in store for my BIL.

"What a beautiful life I've lived.  It's a pity I didn't notice sooner." -- Collette.

This quote has driven my urge for something more, something different, something better for YEARS.  It's the rocking chair quote.  Sitting on a rocking chair at the end of your life -- what would you think.  THIS is the fear that was driving my desire to change.  I felt like I'd have massive regret for not "getting" life better.  A fantasy that I find out the end is near and THAT'S when I suddenly understand how to live MY best life -- just when there's not a lot of time.

I had this feeling after my father died suddenly (a month after my MIL died from a long battle with cancer).  A feeling of DO THINGS NOW.  I did.  Went to nursing school, ran a marathon, push my goals sooner, made my life bigger.  That spurred on the push to where I (we) are now.

Then the "doing" goals were achieved.  We reached our finish line and I sat in this feeling that I needed to learn to enjoy what I earned -- I embraced the process, but couldn't enjoy reward.  I didn't know how to do something different, be something different.  That lingering feeling that if I did all the same things, I would sit on that rocking chair with a huge regret.

How sad to achieve what you set out to achieve and never enjoy the reason why you had those goals in the first place.  And why?  Ego (can't let go of career).  Fear (do I have enough).  Doubt (am I making a mistake).  More ego (what do people think).

On top of this sad news, my 37 year old cousin is having a double mastectomy today after 6 months of chemo.  Radiation and medication and reconstruction over the next 18 months.  A very good friend's 46 year old SIL was diagnosed with aggressive early onset Alzheimer’s and was given very little time (she has an 11 and 14 year old) -- devastating.

Same lesson from every direction.  Life is short; life is unexpected.  None of these people "caused" their situation.  All are young with no genetic or lifestyle risks.  All got hit with lightening.

____________________________________________________________________________

Big heavy post today.  Switching gears to the everyday stuff.

The other quote was from Brene Brown -- "strong back, soft front."  I've been reminding myself of this as I navigate the "problem" list.  Stand up for myself (strong back) but be open and kind (soft front).  The two can coexist and I'm better for it when I do BOTH.

Had my hair appointment and all of us chatted about what went wrong with my last updo and how to fix it for next time.  Totally nailed the "strong back, soft front."

The circuit class was good and long and hard.  Just what I needed.  I haven't had many long AND hard workouts since I left the boxing classes.  Dang (!!)  It's felt good to push.  My muscles are sore, but my back is fine.  I modified when I needed and the instructor helped me figure out modifications that still work the muscle of that circuit.  It's a good option for using up my class package.

It's good to feel good.  So far 2020 is challenging me on this motto.  I'm still committed to it -- maybe even more that I was before.  Challenges to push me forward -- help me see my "why."  Challenges that aren't even really mine ... mine, once removed.  I'm paying attention -- reading this loud and clear.

I have a coaching call today.  As usual, I'm curious where it's headed.  My emotions have been all over the place since my last call and "what" I think I'm talking about has changed over and over.  I'll fill you in tomorrow.  Later gators.

Tuesday Updates

First, Little Women.  FANTASTIC.  Not sure if it was the movie or being reminded of such a beloved book -- either way, throughly enjoyed it.  The friend mentioned she was glad I reached out and asked her to go.  She doesn't initiate plans often, but loves to go out during the day too.  We're acquaintance friends who are moving toward actual friends.  What was also nice is we didn't attach a food thing to our non-food movie.  Pleasant afternoon.

I started looking for wedding hair options after my updo fail in December.  Turns out, my young stylist is VERY much less expensive.  Like half the price.  I might try working with her again -- I can do double the trials for the same price.

I plan to mention that I wasn't happy with my hair updo when I go to my appointment today.  Speaking up (kindly) and having my back.  I'm not asking for anything.  I want to see what my stylist (the owner) thinks going forward.  How do I make sure I get something better next time?

I knocked a couple of things off my "problem" list.  Easier than all my worry and angst told me (of course).  The mother-load one is scheduled for Thursday.  $1200 Pottery Barn incorrect bill I've been dealing with since May -- this one will take hours, actual HOURS.  Fingers crossed.

I did a little problem solving with some other things too.

Can't run outside (weather).  Can't run too much on the treadmill (hurts my leg).  Not getting a "long" workout this week, so I checked out the Lift Yoga Studio class list.  Signed up for a circuit class this morning.  I can squeeze it in before my hair appointment.  I have a few more classes left on the package.  I won't be able to move tomorrow -- muscles will be screaming, but this should give me a hard workout.  I'll modify for my back.  I need a supplemental workout and maybe this type of class will work.  Try something new.  My mind is fighting it this morning, but I'm going.

I finished Wanderers -- woo hoo (!!)  It was depressing.  Not going to lie.  Not exactly hope for mankind by the end.  I didn't read 800 pages to feel yucky.  If you like that kind of thing -- go for it.  It's detailed, not predictable and a clever story.  The writing is good.  I'm in a place where I want happy ending though.  The message is kind of a warning for people -- take care of the Earth while we have a chance.  Good message, but maybe my headspace was wrong for the message THIS way.

Onto another book at my hair appointment.  I don't remember what's on the list.  I want to read Just Mercy, but it's a heavy subject and I need some lite-n-easy first.

Brene Brown has a new podcast -- WHAT?!?!  Already subscribed.  Anything she touches is GOLD. Not sure when the first one comes out, but she recorded a little intro.

Update on my MojiLife machine.  The first pod is STILL smelling good, but at the end -- I'll change it this week.  It's been a month (plus).  I started a second machine in my office and tried Blue scent pod.  It's such a nice, easy smell -- my favorite, so far.

I'm moving up in my mood ladder.  DOING always helps.  Sometimes doing is hard to start back up.  I feel like I'm gaining momentum ... ever so slowly.

My GNI group posted a schedule for next year.  I wanted to wait to "drop out" until after this month, but looks like the gal who fought changing things is staying with the group (she moved out of the neighborhood too, so I had hope LOL).  It'll be more of the same and I need to let it go.  This has been the hardest "little" decision to make -- it's been over a year of me waffling.  I'm responding to the email today.  Eeeeekkkk.  Feels scary and a little final.

Honest to god, not even kidding ... I'm reconsidering my choice on GNI AGAIN.  In real time.  Typing this out and I'm rethinking it.  This needs to stop.  I've thought and over-thought this -- good-bye is what I want.  The argument for staying in the group is for "unhealthy" reasons.  I want to be able to SAY I have a group I'm in -- all ego.  I don't want to miss out on potential fun -- hasn't been fun for years.  I want the old neighborhood gossip -- I can be better than a gossip junkie.

UPDATE -- sent the email.  Officially out of the group.  Completing a chapter.  Open to the next one.

Building a life that looks different -- something with meaning.  Something that feels good, feels fun.  This group has run the course for me.  BTW, I'll still be invited to 2 of the months (as a host, you can extend the list to anyone).  Both my gal pals already said they'll invite me.  Okay -- back to a straight head again.

Happy Tuesday.  Have a great day.  Later gators.

Midlife "Awakening"

Brooke Castillo for the win AGAIN.  She has a way of summarizing all the convoluted rambles and getting to the point.

Turns out, she and I are both going though a Midlife Awaking (not crisis, per her - hah).  And she's going to spend time talking about it.

AWESOME!!  Me too.

Her latest podcast was spot on to where I am these last few years (#302) and she had a guest coach that specializes in this time of a person's life.  The coach (Suzy Rosenstein) went through this time from age 45-50.  Um, hello ... TOTALLY me too.

A quick summary using her more concise thoughts -- my traditional life was marked out for me (because I chose the traditional path BTW).  The big stakes were set on the path.  I had a little bit of an irregularly path on this traditional road, but I hit all the markers.  Get married, have kids, get a house, get a bigger house, raise kids, build a career, build a bank account, launch kids into the world (ie get off our bank roll and out of the house) -- you get the idea.

Now what?  I hit my goals.  I walked this path for almost 30 years -- having choices, but smaller choices because the major points were already mapped out.  Every decision stayed on this path -- and that was good because it is (was) the path that I wanted to live.

Now I have nothing but choice and I have no idea where I'm going.  No surprise, Brooke recommends navigating through this time with life coaching skills.  I agree (my life coaching call with Holly is Wednesday).

It feels good to know I'm not alone.  I'm immensely grateful for where I ended up, but my story made a big STOP once the path ended.  I still have all the little stuff, but I can't see the bigger picture.  That's what I'm working to figure out.  A take-away from the podcast (and my coach) is don't rush the process in the name of finding something, anything.  Spend time with yourself, quiet yourself, do the internal work and the path will find you.  It's an exciting time, but scary uncomfortable too.

I WANT the path to change.  That's why I feel so discontent thinking about keeping my life the same -- same doesn't work anymore.  It feels like being stuck and the end of the path and moving without going anywhere.  This is been in my head for about 4 years (yep, midlife).  It's a long process of imagining your life.  No wonder menopause is hard -- it's also the time when the path ends.

I worked on a little GOAL work too.  The coach, Suzy, takes her clients through an exercise of writing down 20 things you want -- 20 things for this second chapter of your life.  She said many people can't get to 20.  Can't imagine enough to fill a list of 20.

I did it and it was HARD.  I was reaching ... looking to fill the list (I got stuck around #10).  30 years ago, I would've struggled with ONLY 20 things.  It's interesting.  Surprising.  Something to think about.

Anyhoo ...  CAKE (!!)

Kids brought over a wedding cake sampler for us to try -- they did theirs yesterday.  My DIL ordered an extra one to go because I love cake.  OMG ... so sweet ... I'm a lucky MIL.  Every piece was delicious.  Three of us ate it, so we each got a little layer from every slice.  I passed on a couple because any cake that is yellow with chocolate icing is not my thing.  The strawberry cake was INCREDIBLE.  Could that be my 50th birthday cake?  Or my cake to celebrate Wednesday?  Cake patience.  Where is a birthday when you need one?!?

The wedding shower (the small one I'm hosting) has been decided.  Oh boy.  Renting a mini-bus and doing a wine tour locally.  Having a munchie, girlie spread and shower cake (of course) ... wine tastings, etc.  Some decorating and a little bit of logistics issues, but it's happening.  Not as easy as I wanted, but this is fine -- it'll be fun and makes DIL happy.  That was the end goal all along.

A Course in Miracles class was great.  A few of the more recent ones weren't as good (uplifting) and this was a feel-good morning that I needed.  Spent another hour in the coffee meeting area chatting with people from the group and my girlfriend who came for the first time (she introduced me to Unity).

Yesterday was a better day -- the best one since Parker died.  I'm climbing up.

Today is a movie -- Little Women.  I can't wait to see it.  Noon start time which is even better.  It's suppose to RAIN like crazy the next 3 days and the ground is already saturated.  I don't like driving on the country, flooded roads if I don't need to be out.  Daylight is good to see the puddles (I see you, Midlife).

Happy Monday.  Later gators.

Football Sunday

Crazy, crazy storms last night.

I was at a 2 hour meditation class when they hit.  Fortunately, no damage to my car -- I was worried.  We had some yard water that overflowed our porch and hubby was able to stop it from getting in the basement.  Today is the only sunny day for most of the week ahead.

I haven't been able to run outside for a week.  Rain floods my running trail regularly (it actually closes the trail), our development is getting paved (4 week project, weather permitting) and my back has been wonky.  The treadmill is rough on my legs -- strange because that feels like it should be the opposite.

Anyway ...  meditation class.

Two hours -- one hour of lecture and one hour of meditation.  The meditation was good.  She took us through lots of techniques for "capturing" our attention before we get still.  Most people use a technique to start -- focus on breath, imagine light coming around us, etc.  She said people respond to different senses -- we tried options for touch, sound, smell, etc. and had stillness after each technique.

The first hour of lecture was okay.  Good information -- she knows her stuff, but she wanted US to know she knows her stuff.  Humble brag after brag after brag.  I could have done without the personal stories of her greatness.

The class was $20 and that was spot on.  Herbal tea was served and the class actually went over by 15 minutes.  I felt I got my money's worth (in tea alone -- it was good!).

I finished You (second season) when I got home.  It was good.  The ending was surprising and a bit wowza, but I totally loved it.

Working my way through Wanderers.  It picked up and is interesting.  Still long though.  Now I'm committed to knowing the ending.  75% read (!!)  Only a zillion more pages to go :)

Heading to A Course in Miracles this morning and my usual post-class Trader Joe's run.  Kids are over for football.  We're doing a wedding cake tasting too -- SO FUN!!  They have a sampler platter to bring over.  Also, sadly, the shower spa day is a no-go.  DIL's mom doesn't like spas (cue MASSIVE shock and awe).  Back to square one.  This is getting figured out TODAY.  Ugh.  I was looking forward to a "4 hand" massage LOL.

Let's talk DIET ... or talk MY PANTS DON'T FIT (!!), at all.  I'm giving myself until Friday to see if I can get my act together.  If not, **brace yourself** I'm going to do a month of Jenny Craig.  I can't piss around anymore.  My pants NEED to fit!  This is a last resort and I'm going to try very hard to not use it, but I'm getting desperate.  I'm eating healthy, but still eating too much.  Can't seem to cut down the portion size and having a bad back is not helping on the activity front.

I'm holding steady on this funk of mine.  Not out of the woods, so to speak, but still operational - hah.  Faking it all the way ... but it's working.  Doing The Things -- kicking and screaming a little, but making it happen.

I worked on some goal stuff and new journaling (part of getting me out of this mood) and I'll write about it tomorrow.

Sunday Funday.  Let's Go -- says my new mug.  Later gators.

My Motto

My motto for 2020 ... It's good to feel good.

Here's what I've experienced so far (all of about 2 weeks LOL).

Yep, it's true.  BUT a big old caveat.

Sometimes before something can feel good, it has to feel uncomfortable.  Have to walk through less-good to get to good.

Sometimes something can feel good ONLY if I make it feel good.

And, of course, sometimes things feel good, period.

Case in point yesterday.

I spoke some truths to my girlfriends about this big trip to Italy.  Holding some personal boundaries.  Still compromising, still wanting everyone to feel good about this trip but not at the expense of what I want from it. (We had an all day Messenger thread going.)  I spoke more candidly than usual and it felt uncomfortable.  How would I be perceived (demanding, selfish?) ... how would they react (harsh?) ... did I ruin everything?

This trip must FEEL GOOD or I'm not spending the money.  In order for it to feel good, I have to speak up against the majority.  Hold boundaries with some strong, vocal women.  Be myself.  Have my OWN BACK as much as I have anyone else's.

The response was fine -- respectful conversation, changing options, discussion to please us all, etc.

The message from The Holistic Psychologist (Dr. Nicole LePera) last night was ... "speak your truth, then pay attention to how people respond.  It's a clear message."  Yep, I can work with this message from these ladies.

This trip is going to be great and I'm going to feel good, but I have to do some uncomfortable work before that can happen.  You teach people how to treat you.  It's one of those (mostly) true truths and re-teaching is uncomfortable.  It starts with me -- how treat myself.  Both are uncomfortable.

Sometimes GOOD needs a push.  My nails needed to be done (I don't do my own nails -- cuticles, reaching toes ... all too much for me).  I had a choice to make it feel good or go through the motion.  I decided I needed a burst of GOOD, so I MADE it good.  Book, hot tea, requested a nice chair location, asked for a pillow when mine was missing, took time to pick my color (I had a picture of a bottle from months ago that I liked), smiled, joined a couple of conversations in a friendly way (goodbye hibernation).

When I'm having a funk, I hibernated even when I'm out.  Less eye contact, head down, ignoring things around me.  It's noticeably more GOOD when I DON'T hibernate.  Sometimes I need to force myself to interact.

It continues to surprise me the lengths I go to MOVE AWAY from feeling UNCOMFORTABLE.  I've been upset (uncomfortable) and holding boundaries feels uncomfortable and "old me" would have dropped the boundaries in the name of one less thing that feels yucky.  Walking through the less-good to get to the good.

This is why my list of overwhelming things (like the wrong bill) feels too much right now.  It's uncomfortable.  I'm fighting to keep "uncomfortable" away.  Handling these things feels too much.  I'm doing the entire list next week.  I'm feeling better and climbing out of the mood.  I'll be "strong" enough by next week.  (By strong, I mean I won't overreact and get snippy and get emotional.)

Let's end on a little fun ...  here are two new goodies.

Mug from No Crumbs Left's pottery line.  Love everything about it.  And my nail color.  I watched a lady get her nails painted months ago and I loved this color on her.  It's rare to see a "regular" manicure these days.  Perfectly neutral -- perfect for my SNS break -- worth finding in the sea of polish colors.

It's says, "Let's go!"
Handmade -- beautiful mug.

A little less yellow in real life.
My office lighting in the dark is bad.
It's pearly creamy light gray-ish LOL

Have a great Saturday -- later gators.