New Perspective

Goodness, yesterday was a wallop of a day.

Long story again, so here's another Cliff Note version.

The day was mixed with crying (all day!!), being angry, being fed-up, reading The Untethered Soul, listening to podcasts, reading a message from Holly and I finally came to this place.

This is the stuff I need to work on.  This is the stuff that's "bothering" me underneath my life and adds to this big urge to buffer with food.  So while I was pissed and hurt that I didn't get attention on the call to work on my "stuff," I actually got what I needed.  This theme in my life comes from my childhood and it's too long to get into.  I've long processed it specifically, but I guess I never really worked through the beliefs that formed from it.

Pulling the thorn as The Untethered Soul says.  If you have a thorn, you have 2 choices - pull it and be done with it OR live your life protecting that area so no one touches the painful thorn.  I think yesterday was about pulling out some of the thorns.  Going through layers of feeling to find the actual thorn.

At least, I hope it was because, good lord, my reaction was MASSIVE!  I feel lighter today.  I'm still confused how I let the emotions go totally.  My version of letting them go is to push them down again.  Was yesterday a letting go moment?

Holly's response helped answer the question I had about turning the thought around.  If the turn around doesn't give you the feeling you desire, it's not the right turn around.  Good point.

As far as PHB goes, I've run the spectrum of emotion on it.  I was angry - and angry after Holly's response because I wanted her to see she left me out (even though I didn't specifically say it).  I wanted to go all passive-aggressive and put as much effort into everything is being given to me.  Ignore, do the minimum.  Screw them.  Then I was hurt all over again (cue the crying).  (I told you - MASSIVE reaction.)

Finally, resting on leaving expectations behind.  (Remember that Brene Brown quote: "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.")  The program isn't helping me in the way I imagined it, but it's helping me in the way I need - and that's so much better.

So I'm back in the game.  I already did my homework for this week (goal setting).  I set my expectations for the phone call to be, "This call is for ME and even if we don't discuss anything about me, it's what I need to hear."  This turn around feels good.

I've never done so much headwork before and it's a rollercoaster of exhaustion and elation.  I feel like I've gone a bit crazy and a bit born-again with all my self-help fancy words ... buffering, turn around, etc. (I can't think of the other words right now hahahahaha!!)

For now, the rapid downhill slide is over.  Back to the climb for this moment.

P.S. In other news, April worked her magic.  It was the best darn massage I've ever had - I almost moaned (not really, but I could have because it was PERFECT!!).  I'm scheduling another one.  She goes on maternity leave soon.  Dang.  I still have 9 massages in the bank.

Also, boxing was great even though I cried through some of it ... seriously?!?!  Yep.  MASSIVE reaction.

Back to the regularly scheduled post tomorrow.  Friday is craft day - I'll tell you all about it LOL.  Later gators.