Update List

(1) PT said I'm overdoing it.  My lower back and spine are swollen.  Walking cut in half and rein in the errands.  He thinks a few weeks of doing that and I will have bigger gains.  Okay.  I'm willing to give this a go until the end of April -- then moving to the epidural (pending insurance).  He did a much lighter massage and leg pulling -- I don't feel worse for wear this morning.  I have a few more stretches and exercises added to the routine too.  He said to treat stiffness like pain.

(2) My car is finally ready for pickup.  Just when I got used to the loaner car.  Hubby is doing me a solid and exchanging cars this morning (in the name of me doing less).  He heads to Asheville this afternoon.

(3) Didn't finish the rock yesterday.  The paint needed multiple base coats and I ran out of time.  I know this is thrilling and quite a cliff hanger ... 

(4) But ... finished Jen Hatmaker's bookclub pick last night.  A+ for a fun read with some background messaging and a good twist at the end.  

(5) What's next, you ask?  

(6) Hubby assembled the office cart.  It's exactly what I need and I like that I can move it around as needed.  Pottery barn -- on sale and a few PB earned credits to use.

(7) Today is a stormy day so I'm taking a full break from walking.  Letting the swelling go down and taking a day dose of the RX NSAID too.

Quick errand to get the food for this weekend -- spreading out the chores over 3 days.  Keeping things quiet otherwise AND pulling from my Cheer Up list to fill the afternoon.

(8) I have a "full" week coming up and I don't want to be in bad shape.  I think it's time to prioritize other things rather than a workout.  It's taken me weeks to feel this way, but I have no choice.  Accept what is -- forward from reality, not a hopeful wish.

Have a good day!  Later gators.

2nd PT Today

2nd of 3 because after 3, each session is almost $300 since I haven't met my deductible.  No thanks -- for $50 I can see the chiropractor/acupuncture.  No deep tissue massage this session.  I want him to give me strengthening exercises and more information on what other movements I can do.

As much as I'm craving a Peloton workout, I'm scared to try, even a little.  I like being able to do something during the day and I'm not ready to risk that yet.  Other than a workout, life is slowly getting back to normal.  I have significant pain in the late afternoon through the late evening (I fall asleep around 10pm), but the rest of the day is good.  That's progress.

Feels like a bit of a spunky week since I'm cooking a couple of things for this weekend (mac-n-cheese and an apple cider cake).  I'm picking up a Honey Baked ham too.  I didn't want the kids to pay for a meal for 7 people.  They're doing a salad and munchies.  Getting back in the kitchen after 7 weeks is fun.

Here's the rock I painted yesterday (since no one is asking hah) ... double sided.   Looks better from afar -- closeup you see all the imperfections, but I still like it.  Once I get a collection, the plan is to leave some on trails when we walk or hike.

I bought a Stacey Abrams shirt from her campaign.  GA has two big step ups this election.  Get MTG and Kemp OUT OF OFFICE.  Both elections will be close again.

Full morning today too.  Spanish, walk, rock painting, cleaning crew, etc.  So on that note, I'm going to get moving.  I'm happy to have some fun back in my days.  Later gators.

Fairy House

Forewarned -- regular rock pictures coming your way.  This is the rock I found in the park.  I painted a fairy house.  It was fun to have an odd shape and figure out what it could be -- just like the great artists of the world lol.  Now I have a new interest -- rock hunting.

I painted all sides -- including little flowers on the left/right sides and trees on the back. 

Spanish class was good and I spoke to her about options for private tutoring.  We emailed a few times and then chatted after class.  She says she'll offer whatever I'd like, but she would recommend taking Level 3 and adding private hours IF needed.  She also suggested doing a private hour before I made a decision because some people prefer the structure of the class vs private tutoring.  Solid advice.  Guess I'm STILL going to be in classes.  I am learning and that's so exciting, but it's PRESSURE (self-made) and I was looking for a bit of a break (but didn't want a 6 week break).  Also, she said I'm doing fine -- totally average speaking and above average on the rest.  I take an extra beat to speak -- also need a little tweak on pronunciation, both no big deal.

Guess I'm really learning Spanish -- what?!?!?

In other news, my aunt and uncle are traveling through ATL after snow birding in Florida.  I've been asked to entertain them on Saturday because most of the family is out of town and my other aunt needs a break lol.  Looks like we're all gathering at my son and DIL's house for an afternoon and dinner.  Something unexpected on the calendar.

I used the Cheer Up list again yesterday and it's feeling good.  It also adds a perk to the morning to start planning what I'm doing on the list.

BTW, went to start exchanging the soil for the stand-alone potting bed and the roots had rotted so the soil is fine.  A good dose of fertilizer and we should be in business.  I also got a deck railing planter for fun.  Maybe herbs, maybe flowers.  I ordered this book too -- taking my knowledge up a few notches this year.

Definitely pulling out the funk -- finding little bits of fun.  My back hurt a lot going to bed and I think I need to take the RX NSAID earlier in the evening.  I'll try that tonight.  

My car is a saga and who knows when I'll get it back.  Guess I'm driving the rental this week.  So much for a 3 hour service on Friday.  Grocery store today -- maybe even Trader Joe's if I'm feeling well.

Time to rock paint :). Later gators.

Putting It Into Action

Brooke Castillo talks about PASSIVE ACTION.  Reading books, listening to podcasts, journaling, thinking.  All valuable, but with the intention of using the knowledge to DO THE THINGS.

That's what I did yesterday.  The journal list of Cheer Up things?  I used it yesterday.  Painted another rock, went to the park with hubby and the dogs to get a change of scenery.  Super small.  Small for the win though.  Elevated my day just a little.  And the important part of this list?  Everything is doable with JUST ME (even though hubby went with me -- could go to the park myself).  That's a big caveat.  

I'm using the philosophy that brought me out of the pandemic low in 2020.  Do one small thing.  Next day, do another.  No rush.  No extreme push.  Slow and steady.  I'm also using the Gap and the Gain idea -- when I notice I fall into gap-thinking, I remind. myself of my gains and think those thought instead.  It's not about NOT going into the gap, it's about not staying there past the usefulness.  

Bookclub was short and sweet.  Only 3 of us for 30 minutes.  We didn't feel like chatting about the plot of the book given the controversy, but chatted about the controversy and personal lives.  It was actually nice. I'm glad to be back.

Spanish class this evening.  I practiced everyday, but I'm in over my head a bit.  Speaking is the biggest learning curve.  I can do it, but awkwardly and very one-word-at-a-time kind of thing.  I'll keep going.  Definitely leaning toward private tutoring for a session while I catch up -- I'll email her next week to see about that option.

When we took the dogs to the park yesterday, I found a rock to paint.  Stay tuned.  The plan is to paint and return it to the park.  I got some more prep materials, brushes and paints to give this a go.  It's my rock-of-the-day today.

What else?  I'll start emptying the veggie pot on the porch ahead of planting in a couple of weeks.  

It's also a DOUBLE ANNIVERSARY today.  3 years in this current house AND 1st wedding anniversary for the kids.  We sent them a gift card for Framebridge for wedding photos since #1 is PAPER.  I won't gift them every year -- only the special ones.  

I'll leave you with my rock painting from yesterday.  Not bad, but I turned it over to spray the back before the front was fully dry.  It picked up a little of the cardboard box on the flower -- kind of looks like shading though.

Happy Monday.  Later gators.

Bookclub

Bookclub this afternoon after missing 2 months (Spanish class).  This is the controversial book pick that Jen Hatmaker "canceled" after realizing more about the situation (American Dirt).  Not sure where the conversation will lead given we probably aren't talking about the book (I read it a couple of years ago).  Probably more a conversation about why it shouldn't have been picked.

I experimented with the paint pens and rocks.  Finally got a cute one after a couple of flops.  Learning curve for me as most crafty things are when I start.  It's harder than it looks!  I ordered a few more painting supplies for the darker rocks and rocks I find outside that aren't as smooth.  This is a fun little project -- paint one rock, spend an hour, do as a group, "plant" them in nature for people to enjoy, etc.  

I might need to delay some of the things I need hubby's help with this week.  He spent a LONG day on the move yesterday.  GF wasn't packed AT ALL -- didn't even do the dishes.  Good lord.  Our youngest was upset about it, but what could you do at that point.  Hubby broke his only RX sunglasses and has a bunch of things to catch up on today.  He has a full week with work, a new job interview (2 big conference calls) and a trip to Asheville for the HVAC service.  One thing I know -- read the room; not the time for my little chores.

I'm feeling good about climbing out of this funk and back to moving forward.  I'm almost finished reading The Gap and the Gain (recommended by my life coach).  It's been timely and good reminder.  I've been focusing on the gap -- reminding myself to look at the gain. Worth the read.

I also made a list of things that I CAN do that are cheerful or grounding.  When I hit the afternoon blues, I pick something from the list.  Good news is it should be something I can always do (lots of variety) -- regardless of the circumstances of the day (my back, tired, etc).

On that note, I'm going to get going.  Painting another rock this morning for practice.  Have a good day -- later gators.

A Few Little Things

Kind of same old same old.  Hubby just left to help our youngest's GF move from Chattanooga to GA.  She doesn't have any family who could help and that's a lot for just the two of them.  It's just a day trip.

I worked a smidge on rock painting yesterday, but used sharpie markers.  When I was reading about painting, a suggestion was to use a fine tip sharpie to outline the paint for definition.  I ended up using all marker on a small rock.  Lady bug with words on the backside.  Fun and cute ... then I sprayed it with the weather sealer.  Totally "melted" the marker.  So that's not an option.  I want to trial techniques so when I have a painting gathering, I know what's what.  Next up ... paint pens.

Good shine, but the face is totally gone.

Didn't spray the back.
Runoff from the front.

Spanish papers are taking over my world.  I have a little side table I borrowed from our movie room to offload some of the mess.  I like to have everything front and center -- makes me more likely to study.  I have multiple study guides, flashcards and lists.  I use them all.  I ordered an office cart yesterday.  Pictures when it comes.  I like it because it's a piece that you can use many ways.  It's on casters so easily moveable too.

Here's my mess yesterday and everyday.

I've said this before and it didn't stick for long -- I need to get my shit together.  Enough is enough.  There's plenty I can do during the day with my back.  I CAN eat healthy.  Not working out isn't the reason to forego healthy food (exact opposite in fact).  I'm rapidly growing out of my clothes and I super duper don't need that problem when I'm finally ready to get back to a normal day.  I'm "saving" so many projects that I could work on in little bits -- just because I can't do it all, doesn't mean I shouldn't do anything.

This week hubby is home until Thursday (then to Asheville for an HVAC issue).  I'm going to take advantage and have him help me get some gardening ready.  I need muscles to lug old soil to the back and get new for this year -- in the one big planter.  The rest have new soil with very few roots.  

I also need a trip to the paint store for primer for The Little Free Library.  My goal was to have it up and running by my birthday LAST YEAR.  Holy cow -- this in one big procrastination project.

The week after next I have a few "fun" things added to the calendar.  Nail appointment and lunch with a friend (weather pending).  That feels like something to look forward to and motivation to fit into my clothes before the outings.  

Can I do it?  Yep.  Will I do it?  That's not as clear.  I wish I could shout a big YES, but I know myself.  Terrible, limited thinking -- you bet.  I need to work on this mentally a bit.  It's nothing drastic, just get back to eating healthy.

I've added a lot of sweets to my day AND I found Trader Joe's GF sandwich bread to be AMAZING toasted.  I've been eating melted cheddar on toast everyday, every meal.  It's one of my core bread things I miss and I've gone to town on it.  One slice a day -- no issue.  Two slices EVERY MEAL -- an issue lol.

Part of the issue is working out and sleeping well stabilizes my emotional, mental state.  Neither is an option right now and it's making it a huge chore to stay clear of easy, cheap pleasure to feel better in the NOW.  

Another part of the issue is by afternoon, my back is toast (which leaves me wanting TOAST).  I'm sofa bound with nothing to do but watch TV (or read) and eat.  This is the part when I need to figure out what I CAN do during that time that's more productive or at least better for me.

My initial plan was to give in while I was down and out and THEN get back to it.  Problem is "down and out" is lasting MONTHS now.  Have to trash the plan ASAP (!!)  Months is a whole new me in a very crappy way.

I wish MORNING ME lasted all day.  Why is AFTERNOON/EVENING ME such a brat?!?!

Stay tuned ... this is going to be a saga, I'm sure.

Have a happy Saturday.  Later gators.

Chiropractor

Appointment update:

T11 is mostly in place and "normal."

He thinks what I call a flare up is really a pinched nerve, not the herniated disc.  The pain I'm having now is the herniation pain.  The intractable pain was the nerve.

Answer to healing: breathe from my diaphragm.  That's the motion that moves T12 and T11 and without being stretched and moved they become stiff and out of wack.  This caused tension down below in order to protect the problem in T11.  Hmmmm ...

Two more quick appointments to adjust and settle down herniation pain.

He said, now your ankle (rt) and foot (lf) are messed up.  Yep.  He worked on those areas too.  Probably from walking with a modified gait from my back -- also yep.

I talked to him about maintenance to prevent rather than treat.  He said he recommends once a month and then probably once a quarter.  Most of his patients don't do maintenance because of time (he has very limited hours) and/or money (doesn't take insurance).  Once a month is doable for me.  I have 2 "treatments" in April and then a maintenance appointment in May.

When can I ride the Peloton?  Couldn't get an answer to save my soul.  I asked FOUR times over the appointment.  "When you learn to breath."  "When you strengthen your lower back."  "What's the rush?"  "When your body is ready."  BUT, how to know and he never gave me a straight answer.

Then he did an exercise at the end with his hands on my shoulder pressure points telling me to repeat after him.  "I accept this pain and love my body anyway.  My body is did what it needed to do to protect.  The pain is doing what it needs to do."  He said I'm so angry at my pain and I need to accept it and know my body is doing everything right.  

Mind reading too?!?!

Today I'm headed to the car appointment first thing -- loaner car.  Home for the day for a walk, Spanish, etc.  Chugging along.  Hubby comes home this evening and leaves tomorrow for Chattanooga to help the kids move.  He's home all next week though.

Happy Friday.  Later gators.

Nevermind

I'm up early and I have time to say hello after all :)

Yesterday was an interesting day.  Things tend to happen in pairs (or threes) and that was yesterday afternoon.  Two postponements with "favors" -- but here's the thing, I had my own back.  Neither worked for me in my current situation and I said no AND I also spoke up about it -- nicely, but still spoke up.

It feels yucky in the moment, but ultimately the best thing.  I'm pretty sure I annoyed my GF, but sometimes I'm not available to twist and turn because she decides to change things up last minute (she does this ALL THE TIME).  In this case, the change was a problem for my back and I'm not willing to take that risk.  I'm disappointed (and annoyed too) because she just assumed I was able to adjust so she could add "an appointment" to her day.  She's out of town next week, so we can both have space and will regroup another time.  

A reoccurring theme in my life is my stuff doesn't count or isn't a priority -- and the truth is I'm the one who doesn't make my life a priority.  I'm working on changing that.  Sometimes changing plans is not a problem, but sometimes it is and prioritizing ME when it doesn't work is what I need to do.  In both cases yesterday, I couldn't make the changes (or do the favor) without creating a problem for me.  

Anyway ... rest of the day was good.  I decided to walk in the rain and about 15 minutes into the walk, the rain stopped.  I was able to do a full outside walk.  I worked on Spanish, read and did a quick doodle in prep for rock painting.

I'm going to be tired today.  My back was bad last night and I'm up early this morning.  Since I'm sleeping poorly lately, I've been getting up around 5 or 6 and sometimes 7 -- this morning's alarm for 4 o'clock was jarring.  No walk today after the appointment.  I need to give my body a rest day.  My foot and hip are bothering me (princess and the pea).  Everything is out of wack and I need to be careful not to overdue it.

It's another early day tomorrow, but not nearly as big of a deal as today.  Bed early tonight.

Have a good day.  Later gators.

All Day Rain

Another BIG rain day.  We've had a number of these already this year -- full, heavy rain.  So much rain that I'll need to take a break from walking outside.  I'm not sure if I'll do the treadmill or not -- I'm leaning toward NOT.  Chiropractor (acupuncture) appointment tomorrow so why not wait for another adjustment.

My back is definitely having periods of feeling better again.  I'm super duper hopeful.

Coaching call yesterday was not bad.  Did I mention I had a SCS coaching call a few (plus) weeks ago about feeling disappointed with this coaching?  She suggested a few things -- one of which was taking the lesson (albeit expense lesson) that maybe I can't get enough value from life coaching that costs this much.  Hmmm.  What that helps is my expectation.  Already spent the money -- lesson noted, now just enjoy the coaching conversations.

We talked about my back (of course), where I am now and what I'm thinking about it all.  All this to say she suggested a book that's floating in her life coaching circle.  She hasn't read it yet, but it's on her list.

The gist from her summary and the intro I read is basically focus on how far you've come, not how far you need to go.  This set back has me focused on how far I need to go (feeling further every week).  She says to focus on how far I've come and the wins I'm still having.

BTW, SAME DAY DELIVERY of this book from Amazon.  Seriously?!?  That was nice since I "finished" the private investor book.  I didn't like it -- I skim read the second half and called it finished.  The PI had been sexually abused and a lot of the book was about the family dynamic around her accusations -- which she started talking about while she invested the rape case.  The parts I found interesting where her insights into how to read people, get them to open up, etc.  The subject matter otherwise was too heavy for me right now.  I can see how it's a good book though, just not for me.  I read enough to get out of it what I wanted.

Rain all day means I need to figure out something to do today.  Spanish for sure.  I took yesterday off so I'll double up today -- one morning study session and one afternoon.  I'm thinking about breaking out the rock painting stuff and giving it a try -- or at least practicing drawing little things on paper first.

I looked over 22 for 2022 list and there's not much I can do right now.  I changed a few given my back situation too.  I could cross them off as not completed, but it's early in the year -- edit instead of cancel.  I tried to keep them in the same vein.  

I ended up with a good chat with neighbors yesterday.  Two dogs were wandering the neighborhood and my neighbor asked for help (the one who owns the pet boutique where my dogs were groomed).  By the time we gathered, the dogs had been scooped up by someone else to find their home and get them off a busy road outside the neighborhood.  A few of us chatted for almost an hour.  It felt good to talk to people.  

I won't be checking in tomorrow morning.  I need to leave by 7 o'clock with rush hour traffic (maybe earlier).  Up early and out the door so no morning routine to speak of except DOGS (!!)

Have a good day -- rainy hump day and all.  Later gators.

Groomers and Life Coaching Day

Spanish class was good last evening.  I was only a tiny bit nervous -- progress.  Next week is ALL TALKING and I'm excited (and nervous as it gets closer).  Look at picture and then tell a story about it using the verbs we've learned so far.

Boys head to the groomers today and I'm looking forward to getting out.  Fingers crossed for my back with driving and managing two crazy boys on their leashes.  Speaking of which -- pretty good day yesterday and a decent night's sleep.  Pretty please for continued healing.

I have my regular life coaching call today (then not again next week for her next vacation).  I have no idea what to talk about.  I'm still a little disappointed in her March schedule or lack of it.  I'll give it some thought on my walk today.  Stay tuned.  What I know for sure ... I won't be crying on this call.

BTW, refilling an antique perfume bottle doesn't seem to be something that's a good idea.  Refill if it has a different topper, but not with the glass one that doesn't seal.  Guess it will just look pretty in the office which is good enough!

I had a fun conversation with my girlfriend yesterday.  We chatted all things TV and books -- nice to laugh and discuss nothing heavy.

Short hello this morning.  I don't have much to say and I want to get a walk in before I take the pups to the groomers so I can sit on the heating pad before I need to pick them up.  My back = my life.  Hopefully this changes soon.

Have a good day.  Later gators.

Good Day, Bad Night

I felt pretty good yesterday -- certainly no worse, but last night was uncomfortable.  I didn't sleep much (took my to midnight to fall asleep and then up a few times before morning).  I'll probably be tired for Spanish today.

This is a busy week for me and my back -- dogs to groomers, chiropractor appointment (over hour drive during rush hour) and car in for service (loaner car for the weekend).  All 3 things are first thing in the morning.  My "new" morning routine will need to be shifted most of the week.

HS zoom call yesterday was nice.  Trader Joe's was successful -- I feel like I have TONS of food now.  I didn't do much but rest my back the rest of the day.  The book Tell Me Everything isn't as interesting as I expected (so far) -- I did a little reading in the afternoon.  I hope it gets better.

I ordered some used books over the weekend.  I saw a post asking bookstore owners what book do you wish you could experience for the first time again because it was so amazing.  I ordered 3 from that list.  It's a hard question to answer -- fun to think about.  The two I can remember are Pillars of the Earth and The Gentleman from Moscow.  I've read many that I loved, but I can't remember titles.  From childhood, The Secret Garden.

I got a pretty antique perfume bottle from Etsy yesterday.  I have a few other perfume bottles.  Makes me wonder if I should use this one.  I'll have to google it.  Maybe use it with one of my less expensive perfumes.

I also did a little online shopping last night when I couldn't sleep.  A new bathing suit  for Hawaii in the fall and a summer dress.  Stay tuned for pictures.

My intention for this week is to focus on what I can do and do those things.  My dang pants are tight and it's time to really be intentional about how much food I'm eating -- at night, of course.  I don't want to feel better and then not be able to fit into any of my summer clothes.  

Okay dokey ... time to get this day going.  Have a good Monday.  Later gators.

Out and About

Yesterday was a fun day.  

I love my youngest's new apartment.  His GF didn't come in until after we finished because she wasn't feeling well (recovering from a migraine).  We got most of the extras moved in for him -- I say "we" but I only supervised :)  Also helped him get some things settled (legs on tables, TVs setup, etc).

Hubby is going to go to Chattanooga next weekend to help move his GF and pack the U-Haul.  Neither of them has ever packed a truck or driven one.  Hubby has lots of experience -- he had 25 years in the heavy equipment industry.  Lots of driving big shit (!!)

After the moving, our eldest (who's a bachelor this weekend) came over with the dogs to watch the hockey game.  Overall, a nice day.

My back was difficult, but not worse for wear this morning.  That's the litmus test.  

As I said yesterday, some "stuff" on my plate today too.  Zoom call and a Trader Joe's run with assistance.  

This week I'm going to look over the 22 for 2022 list and make some modifications (based on my back) and make plans for getting started on other items.  Time to be productive again.  I'm over feeling sorry for myself (unless I backspin again -- cue the crying for sure).  If I can be out all day and make things worse, that's doable progress for now.  

Best get going.  I need to be walked, stretched and showered for the morning call.  Later gators.

Perfume

Blast from my past arrived yesterday.  This is the perfume I wore for YEARS -- at least a decade.  I stopped wearing it when the formulation changed and the scent dissipated too quickly.  Tova Signature was known for 2 sprays and lasts all day.  I heard the founder -- Tova Borgnine had died and I wondered if the perfume still existed.

It does and it's like a scent memory.  I'm not sure I love it as much as I did -- we'll see as I wear it more often.  The bottle is a disappointment for the price point -- label pealing and the topper doesn't click on.  Not that either is super important, but it speaks to the reason I left the brand (quality).  Since my current scents don't last particularly long (Light Blue, etc) I don't notice that too much with Tova Signature (or maybe they changed it back).  I'm also not nose-blind to this scent yet.

Started a PopCast book recommendation.  I like Jamie's recommendations because she finds unusual reads -- mostly current.  This one is a memoire of sorts about a private investigator.

This is in contrast to Jen Hatmaker's bookclub selections.  Often older reads (so more likely to have read before).  With this month's selection she sh*t the bed -- American Dirt.  Super controversial because author is white, book about Mexican family with stereotypes galore.  I had read it when it came out -- before the controversy.  It's fiction, but rich with white racist undertones.  She stopped the discussions, apologized and isn't doing this month's podcast.  She knew about the controversy as she addressed it immediately with the card that comes with the book, but selected it anyway.  

That said, she also needs to search a little harder for newer books, less known authors who deserve recognition, etc.  Use this big bookclub platform for something more.  And put some time into it.  It's like she walks by best-sellers in Target and makes a pick.  Not sure how long I'm going to stay.  I like the local chapter (which I can stay in even if I leave the bigger one) and I like the FB group because you get some good book conversations and recommendations.  I could probably find that elsewhere though.

Today I'm getting out of the house for SOMETHING FUN(!!)  Fun -- do I remember this strange little word??  Visiting my son's new apartment, takeout for lunch and a visit to my other son to see the grand-dogs.  Not sure how this will work with my back, but here's hoping.  

And, tomorrow I have a bit of fun too.  HBD zoom call with my HS friends for the first of the 52 year old birthdays.  Then hubby will take me to Trader Joe's since I didn't get there this week.  I'm on empty.

Now "back" talk because that's 99% of my life right now.  PT seems to have put my back in poor shape from the massage and manipulation.  I'll see what the chiropractor holds this week and I might stick with this route instead.  I understand feeling bad for a day or so, but since PT on Wednesday my back hurts continuously again (which bums me out so much I can cry every time I think about it).  I had started with pockets of relief.  The pressure is back full force too.  Also, if I'm not significantly improving soon I'll plead for the MRI and epidural injection.  I'm about over this practically non-existent recovery.

Have a good weekend.  Later gators.

SCS Call

I did what I've never done before -- cried the entire time on the coaching call.  I started to talk about the pity party I'm having for my circumstances and burst into tears.  That was a surprise -- I didn't feel overly emotional going into the call  Guess what we talked about?!?  Feelings.

I know some of the emotion is hormones and lack of sleep, but it's still very unusual for me to cry in front of someone about feelings that are ongoing -- feelings I've already processed and cried about.

Anyway -- she was very gentle with me and helped me be gentle with myself.  It's okay to having these lingering feelings.  One cry doesn't fix everything and it's okay to keep having feelings (doesn't mean I'm wallowing).  I can be upset and not throw in the towel on all the things too.  It doesn't have to be all good or all upset.

She also talked about "recovery" being a rolling hills not a straight climb -- so a set back doesn't need to mean that I can't get up the hill.  What if the recovery was suppose to look like this along?  What if nothing I do (don't do) changes the path it's suppose to take?

There can be more than one "truth" to a situation and why not pick one that makes you feel a little better -- or at least doesn't make you feel worse.

I think crying to someone actually felt like a relief.  Not just voicing those feelings out loud, but also showing the feelings and being heard and understood was kind of like a big old hug.  Maybe that's what therapy feels like??  

Today I'm moving forward.  Slowly, carefully.  Things I can do -- Spanish, read, journal, stretch, walk.  Hubby is home until Monday morning.  We're driving to see my kids tomorrow.  Youngest is moving into his new apartment with his GF -- big, exciting time for him.  We'll also stop by my eldest and see the house and dogs (DIL is out of town).  Getting out of the house and around people will feel good.  

BTW, I finished Final Girls (Riley Sager) last night before hubby got home.  I started reading in the afternoon and it was a quick read.  Yes, I was scared going to bed -- good lord.  It's a fun suspense book though and I'd recommend it.

New book pick this weekend.  

Have a good day -- later gators.

Post PT

I had a good-ish appointment yesterday.  Seems like all the modalities are on the same page.  T11 is stiff and a bit out of wack.  Herniated disc(s) lower causing the pain.  This is a SLOW, LONG recovery process.  Dang.

He gave me stretching exercises to do before walking and again in the afternoon.  Then he did a deep tissue (massage) along my spine and back muscles -- this was the less good part.  It was painful and left me in quite a state yesterday.  My entire back hurt and I was nervous for this morning.  I feel a bit better -- sore, but better so I'm not worried anymore.  He swore he wasn't causing damage -- just breaking up the tension, but the way I felt was concerning.  

I have marching orders for stretching and walking until the next appointment in 2 weeks.  Next week is the chiropractor.  My goal for working out in the beginning of April was too ambitious.  Shooting for end of April now.

I need to accept this is the process and not rush anything.  Rushing will take me back to square one and that would be the pits.  PT said the same as the everyone else -- I won't know if I've overdone it until the next morning.  Basically, no warning signs ahead -- do too much, swelling builds overnight and bam. 

I know there are lessons is all of this for me, but I'm not ready for that yet.  First step is accepting and I'm working on that mindset.

Speaking of which, I have a SCS 20 minute coaching call today.  I'm not sure what I want to chat about.  Spanish?  My back?  My feelings?  Stay tuned ...

Oh -- and Happy St. Pat's Day.  I thought about making a GF Irish soda bread, but I changed my mind.  I've been eating a lot of white carbs and that's no good for inflammation, my mood and my jeans.  There's always next year.

That's all from here.  I plan to start doing a few more things next week and slowly building.  Can't say it'll be interesting, but maybe I'll have something else to chat about :)  Later gators.

Rollercoaster of a Day

Well, the feelings made themselves known -- out of nowhere yesterday morning.  I couldn't get onto the insurance website because there was a "random" security check with questions hubby set up.  What was your first phone number?  What was your first car make and model?

One wrong answer and you lose.  I had to text him and wait for a reply.  Then I got a super flip and rude customer service person.  Shockingly a jerk.  "If it's billed right, it's covered.  If it's not, you'll have to pay.  That's for you to figure out, don't know what you expect me to do."  I tried to explain what I needed from him again and he said, "you're repeating yourself and I already answered it. If I don't have anything new to say, then we're finished with this call."  Seriously??  I actually couldn't believe him -- it was over the top rude.

So I cried.  Sobbed for a long time.  I'm drained from all the things this month.

After the big cry, I called the insurance company back, reported the first call, spoke to a supervisor and she said it's fixed.  She called the PT office everything should be okay and if not, her name and the reference number are noted in my file.

Then I cried some more.

I went on a 4 mile walk in the sunshine and that helped a lot.  But you know after you've cried long and hard, there's no complete recovery that day.  Eyes puffy, feeling drained and "off."

I was exceptionally nervous for Spanish class.  So nervous I couldn't remember what I had practiced and knew reasonably well when I tried to review a few minutes before class.

Turns out, I did fine and class was actually super fun.  I MUST stop these pre-nerves for no reason.  Good lord.  So unnecessary.

I'm making an executive decision to get out of the house today -- Trader Joe's run.  My mental health needs attention.  Hubby didn't even call me yesterday.  The lonely is strong and the emotional pity party is in full swing.

Physically, my back is doing a lot better.  More and more periods of no pain.  Funny enough, the top of my left foot is struggling from walking, I guess.  It's so sore when I move it.  Hopefully it doesn't get any worse because then I'll have to moderate walking outside.  

Heavy rain is expected this afternoon, Wednesday and Friday.  I'm concerned walking won't be an option.  It's the highlight of my day and the only highlight option.  Last week's rain had convenient pockets of no rain so I hope it's the same. 

That's all from here.  Same old same.  Hope it's a good day -- later gators.

New Week, New Me?

I'm feeling better.  I have pockets during the day when I have NO PAIN -- woo hoo!  And when I have pain it's not as strong.  I have aches and pains sleeping, but that's more from being confined to 2 positions and I get uncomfortable.

Dare I say that I'm finally getting over the hump?

Morning walks are up to 3.5 miles at a faster pace and I'm able to walk the big hill in the neighborhood a few times during the walk.

PT this Wednesday.  I have to call the insurance company to work out the issue with billing -- not confident in success.

Next week is another appointment with the chiropractor (acupuncture too).  My expectation is I can start working out in April.  Fingers crossed.

Spanish class tonight.  The time shift will make it feel earlier and that's a win.  I'm DREADING it even though I studied and practiced all week.  I get in the class and I freeze up -- forget all I learned.  NERVES (!!)  I'm counting down until the end.  I have a SCS 20 minute coaching call on Friday and this is the topic.  I need a better attitude.  I looked into the one-on-one tutoring and it's not expensive.  Maybe this is the next route so I can go at a pace that works better for me.  This "impossible" goal is living up to its name.  Feels like I'll never get there.

I had to table the Final Girls book -- too scary to read when I'm home alone.  Yep, no big girl panties when the lights go off.  It's the last thing I need at night.  I have a super short window to read it when hubby gets home.  I'm not starting anything new so I can read it over the weekend.

I finished Victoria and it was really good.  Sadly, the pandemic put it on hiatus and no dates to continue.  I cued up a few other British shows on Prime -- most I have to pay for though.  I like the historical series and the crime shows.  I'll start something new this week.

On top of the back pain (and maybe primarily because of it), I've been in the dumps about some other circumstances happening now too.  Family dynamic changes that have me feeling left out or a little lonely.  I feel out of sync with my husband too.  When I'm out of commission, I get resentful he doesn't "understand" enough.  He's pragmatic and I'm looking for empathy.  He's currently on another ski vacation and I'm grumpy he isn't feeling sorry for me being alone and limited.  He's having a super time with friends while I continue in this predicament.  He brings up insurance issues and the dogs after he tells me all about the fun he's having.  Ugh.

I know this is compounded by a month of pain and isolation.  I'm working on being understanding with myself and also trying to get a different perspective.  This week feels hopeful -- better than the last few.  I have a lot of "feelings" to work out around all of this still.  Best to problem solve from a better attitude.

Let's make this week the best it can be -- later gators.

End of the Week

Hair is done.  Back is okay this morning.  I was extra sore yesterday after driving, but the test is the morning after.  I'm having pockets where my back feels better -- still hurts, but mild.  It doesn't last long, but that gives me hope I'm moving forward.

PT and insurance are having issues with billing.  I should have the first 3 sessions paid in full, but since they bill under the doctor's name, insurance is refusing.  The sessions are $300 a pop.  Have to figure this out or maybe go somewhere else.

Back to the new morning routine today -- walk, Spanish, cook.  I'm grateful for the walks.  It's to help my back but it feels good to move the rest of my body.  I'm stiff from this inactivity.

I've read a couple of chapters of this book.  It's a murder thriller so I'm a bit worried it's going to be too scary while I'm home alone for a stretch -- lights go out, I think I'm getting murdered.  Maybe I need to read it during the day to feel it out.  I don't have anything waiting in the wings I want to read.  I have a few books in my "to read" pile, but I'm not in the mood for them.  Time for some book shopping!

I'm still watching Victoria on Prime.  I'm really enjoying it so I need to slow down a bit.  It's the kind of show that I'll miss when it's over.  It's just like The Crown -- only back a century.  Equally as good.

Have a good day.  Later gators.

G'Morning

 

I set an alarm this morning since I have an early hair appointment.  My back felt good yesterday, but acted up last night.  It's holding okay so far this morning.

I've been on a bit of a schedule the last few days.  Journal, morning walk, study Spanish, make food, study Spanish again ... then rest my back the afternoon.  Today is completely different and that worries me for my back.  I'm still so paranoid of changing anything and going back to a flare up.  I'll play today by ear.  I don't know if I should walk after my hair appointment.  I also need to get in study time -- I guess I can study and be on the sofa.  I usually do it at my desk and that's a push for my back.

That said, docs and what I read say you need to move and use your muscles.  Nothing is helped by weakened muscles.  Rest for a few days and then move.  Today feels like a big test.

I don't have much else to say -- this is where I am right now.  All about the back lol.   Later gators.

Bit Better

Last night was one of the least painful nights I've had since this started.  

Hope on the horizon??

I think MAYBE ... especially since I had to scrub dog throw up out of 3 spots in the carpet, took a 30 minute walk outside, stood at the counter to cook food AND my back held up.

I'm at the same point after the first flare up (# days from steroids) and I'm extra nervous.  Since I don't know what caused the second flare up, anytime circumstance "match" the flare up day, I wonder if it's going to happen again.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I thought about postponing, but I have no idea what the next few weeks hold.  According to both docs, I can do it.  I'll bring the heating pad.  I also need to run 2 errands before next week -- grocery store and pick up dog meds at the vet.  I'll space it out.  If I get in a pinch, my son can run those errands on Saturday for me.

Anyway ...

I started watching Victoria on Prime last night.  It's so good (5 episodes in).  I think there are multiple seasons.  Glad to have something to entertain me.  I finished Anomaly (Herve La Tellier).  Interesting premise and a good read.  I need a new pick today.

I've also been studying Spanish.  Man oh man -- it's a challenge.  I made a bit of progress yesterday and I'm curious where daily practice will get me by the next class.  It's going faster than I feel comfortable.  That said, she said she's throwing a lot at us so we have a base for the rest of the sessions.  Speaking is important and that's what trips me up.  I do okay (relatively speaking) with the listening.  "Little by little, a little becomes a lot."  Got to start where you are and there's no skipping ahead.  If I want to be conversational in Spanish, I need to start speaking -- PRACTICE is the only way forward.

The rain is set to move out this morning.  Even though the weather is crappy, I've managed to get a walk in each day -- that's a win.  Saturday is set to be COLD again.  One last dip before real spring.  I hope the freeze doesn't kill the sprouting tulips. (Look at me thinking like a gardener!)

That's all from here.  Still Ground Hog day, but a bit better.  Later gators.

Hola!

Okay, Spanish got HARD super quick.  I mean REALLY hard.  There are 3 of us in the class and the other 2 ladies know a lot of Spanish already.  It was a verbal massacre on my part last night.  

But ... I'm giving it my best.  5 more weeks at this level and then I'll take a break because I need a balance between outside-the-box and pressure.  It's very possible I'll need to retake this level because speaking is so dang difficult for me.  It forms in my head and then my tongue does something that doesn't even resemble my head voice.

My back was really off yesterday.  Sleeping wasn't good, BUT NO SPASMS.  That's my goal for this week.  If I don't have any improvement by the end of the month, I'll start the process to get an epidural injection.  

I think I overdid it a bit yesterday.  My watch stopped so I ended up walking a little more than I planned.  Then I did a fast trip to the supermarket -- driving and my back aren't a good combination it seems.  The evening class sitting upright in a chair was tough too.  I'm going to go easy today.

Hubby left this morning for 10 days.  As I said before -- good and bad.  I'm happy to have time to myself because I'm level 100 grumpy, but I could use the help with the household to rest my back.  I'm also scared I'll have another flare up while he's gone.

I decided to bag the 30 day challenge because I'm not feeling it at all.  I'm going to focus on what is the best decision for my health -- physical, emotional.  For example, making and eating a batch of GF cookies IS NOT the best decision for any part of my health (even though that sounds so comforting right now).  Pushing to walk the dogs when I'm hurting is not the best decision.  I'm going to focus firmly on ME these next 10 days and see where that gets me.  This includes asking for help if I need it.  Fingers crossed on all fronts.

I postponed the coaching call today and that felt like a decision for me.  Her changing the schedule aside, I'm not in a headspace to think about coaching.  I am signed up for the 20 minute sessions with SCS -- first one this Friday.  Those might actually be more of what I need right now.

My attitude is marginally better until I think about the fact that I don't seem to be improving.  That sends me into panic that this is going to be a super long-tern problem.  Rest doesn't feel like it's doing anything.  If anything, I'm getting a little worse each day again.  Is it the walking?  Both docs say I need to do some easy walking to help the problem.  The only level up is I'm off the steroids and muscle relaxers -- hope I can stay off of them.  The side effects are finally waning -- mouth sores, dry mouth, stomach pbs are all almost gone.

I have perspective -- I'm not going to die from this, but this isn't fun.  Silver lining is hard, acceptance is hard too.  I'm trying.  Hope we all can have a decent day today -- that's as far as my bar goes.  Later gators.

Spring Flower

Remember the tulips I planted and gave myself shoulder nerve pinch for months?  They'e starting to grow -- can't say it was worth the pain, but yea!!  Lots of green leaves, but this one already has a flower.  It's pretty (but short).  Anyway, looking forward to the rest blooming too.

My back is okay after another walk yesterday.  5 minutes longer.  I'm having a lot of pain, but it's not spasms.  The tricky part is knowing how much activity is too much.  Sitting and laying flat are also problems for a herniated disc.  It's a balancing game with absolutely no rules and you only realize you got it wrong the next day.  

Rain is expected most of the week, but I'm still going to walk outside.  God made umbrellas.  I don't trust the treadmill yet.

I tried to think of a 30 day "thing" and I can't come up with anything that feels good.  Maybe I'm still burned out from 30 day challenges.  I'll think about it again today.  I need to turn this attitude around and make something good out of the inactivity time.  

My first evening Spanish class is tonight.  I haven't received a zoom link yet.  It is what it is.  I need to take the pressure off with Spanish while I'm in the thick of back issues.  I'll learn what I can and retake Level 2 if I don't learn enough.

I'm frustrated that I have no PT or anything to help this week.  It feels like a long, long waiting game.

I'm postponing life coaching tomorrow.  I still feel annoyed about her schedule change this month and I'm not in a headspace for coaching tomorrow.  I'm going to sign up for SCS 20 minute sessions though.

Another Groundhog Day tiptoeing and worrying about spasms.  Hopefully, I'll have some attitude adjustment tomorrow.

Later gators.

Garbage

My days feels like garbage, but I'm going lighter about complaining today!

I was able to SLOW walk 20 minutes yesterday without spasms this morning.  I'll do another walk today.  Fingers crossed.

Off all medications except the RN NSAID for inflammation.

I decided to make this time a little bit "fun" or at least a challenge of sorts.  30 days.  Not a diet, not a restriction.  But 30 days of doing things that move me forward.  Of course, all this predicates on not going back to square one with my back.  That kind of pain and those kind of meds leave me unable to do much of anything.

I'll figure it out today.  The idea being that in 30 days when I'm (hopefully) ready to start back into normal activities, I'll be in a good place to do get going.  Spanish, walking, maybe some arm stuff, journalling, plant eating, meditations, etc.

I thought hubby was leaving tomorrow, but he leaves on Tuesday for 2 weeks.  Good and bad.  I'm annoyed with everything right now -- including him, so I was looking forward to being by myself.

My bff sent me a get well package.  Thoughtful -- yes.  But all food that I don't eat.  She has tons of food rules that she expects people to follow, but never listens to what others eat.  It feels a little pissy to me, but that's my mood being a jerk this week.  Gave it all to hubby and I'll toss what he doesn't want.  It was very sweet to think of me, but a waste of money.

That's all for now.  I feel more complaining coming so I'll end things -- later gators.

All About My Back *RANT*

I got a waitlist appointment with the acupuncture chiropractor yesterday.  He says it's my T11 that's frozen causing tension to herniate a lower disc.  He adjusted my back, did acupuncture and cupping.  I felt reasonably good yesterday, but overnight wasn't great.

Everything aches.  Including my stomach -- which feels raw.  I'm a hot mess.

I want to stop all the medications, but I don't know if that will bring on a flare up.  He wants to see me in a couple of weeks.  I have PT in 2 weeks.  This feels really LONG.

Then there's my mental pity party.  Hubby leaving for a trip that goes straight into a ski vacation while I sit home.  My life coach sent an email that she's taking 2 weeks off in March for a vacation.  For some reason this annoys me -- it was unscheduled and last minute (she's been away 4 times since we started).  Where is the professionalism?  She said her life coach talked her into taking that time off since a vacation opportunity came up.  Hmmm.  Why don't you own that decision instead of saying someone else thinks you should do it this way.  I'm going to postpone this week's session.  If she can make changes, so can I.  

Next level Spanish starts on Monday evening.  Piss poor timing.  

I'm super duper in a big old pity party.  "Everyone" is having a great time, but me -- I can't even do the basics to feel well.  Spring has sprung in GA and it's not untrue that my family and friends are doing some fun things this month -- while I feel like crap, lose all muscle tone, fall behind in Spanish, can't work on my spring projects, can't go anywhere, have to take care of dogs and the house.

See??  Pity party.

I'm reading a suspense book and got about a 1/3 read and realize I've read it before.  WTH!!  I have nothing new to watch on TV, no books that excite me, I'm caught up on podcasts.  

This leaves me in a situation that the only "pleasure" open to me is EATING.  I can't eat like crap.  It will take me down.  But I'm looking to feel better somehow.  I could use the support this month from life coaching and it's not there.  I guess that's why I'm so annoyed with her decision to take off 2 weeks for another vacation.  I paid a pretty penny and when I need support -- nope, not available.  She's even taking off from email correspondence.  Total check out for 2 weeks.

This is a HUGE rant chat today.  I better leave it here.  I could rant for pages and pages this morning since I'm up early taking care of dogs while hubby sleeps in after watching the late hockey game (had to add one last rant!!).

Later gators.

Hanging In There

I met the aunties for shopping and lunch.  Sagged out after one store and lunch -- that's all my back could handle.  Still lots of pressure pain, but NO SPASMS (!!)  I'll move around today too.  Pretty please no flare up.

I managed to buy one thing in the 20 minutes of shopping.  Cute little coffee cup -- perfect size for what I drink (espresso with a little more water).  It's hard to find this size cup.  Also, tried out the spring green polish I got for my toes (only one quick coat on my fingers).  It's my next pedicure color and I love it.

It felt so stinking good to get out yesterday.  75 and sunny.  I wore a spring dress -- that makes me happy.  I couldn't last long, but it was a little fun in a couple weeks of yuck.

Today is all desk stuff.  Paying bills, Spanish, journaling, etc.  Do what I can do.  Focusing on those things.

Have a good day -- later gators.

Ortho Update

Survey says ... herniated disc.

Treatment is PT.  If I get another flare up then MRI and injection.  

Bad news:  

It's going to take time and no Peloton until absolutely no pain.

PT's first available appointment is in 2 weeks.

Often flare ups occur while you sleep so you won't know until you get out of bed in the morning.

Good news:

It responds to medication so probably will correct itself.

Walking right now should be fine (i.e. shopping, dog walks, etc)

I can start lite workouts once it feels a little better (i.e. arm lifting, yoga and faster walking)

The older you get, the less severe herniations because the disc start to dry up.

If another flare up, the office will call in medication for me.

X-rays showed good vertebral spacing, etc.

I'm sore from the manipulation yesterday, but NO SPASMS this morning.  If all continues, I'm going to meet my aunts today.  The pain is different now.  It's like a heavy pressure.  Maybe this means I need to move more (it's what ortho thinks).  I'm scared about a flare up though.  AND, scared how little warning a flare up gives.  It's okay one minute and then intractable pain the next.

Last steroid this morning.  I'm super happy to be finished.  He said to take muscle relaxer at night and the RX NSAID daily.

Fingers crossed.  Pretty please and all that.

I also worked on my attitude yesterday.  I don't need to add to my physical pain with mental pain.  This is way easier to do when I'm not in horrible pain.  Not sure I could muster if I have another flare up.

I'm still nervous to move around given the flare up from basically nothing.  He seems to think I should walk though.  I'll go easy today and if I need to, sag out.

Fingers crossed.  I'm more worried about waking up tomorrow.  I certainly don't need to start an issue with fear sleeping so trying to keep those thoughts cleaned up too.

Have a good day.  Later gators.

Accepting What Is Happening

A friend texted me this -- I love the message.  

Heading to an orthopedic appointment this morning.  Fingers crossed for some answers.  I'm still in pain, but not spasm so it's manageable.  I had to take the muscle relaxer during the day, but skipped the night dose.  Nothing until I get home and maybe I won't need it.  Yesterday I pushed in the morning.  Went with hubby to the grocery store and then cooked up some food (soup and such).  I was hurting a lot my the afternoon.  I really don't like the way it makes me feel -- unsteady, shaking, brain fog.

Coaching yesterday was about living with the pain.  Could it be coming from non-physical too?  There's so much literature about pain, specifically back pain, being related to emotion -- given I didn't have a moment of injury (car accident, fall, etc).  Woke up with the pain and it progressively got worse.  I don't know if it's true, but I'm working on my thoughts around accepting that this is what is happening.  Sort of surrendering to things.  It can't hurt to try.

Cleaning crew this morning. Bad timing, but it's been a month!  Bad timing because hubby has a local business thing for the rest of the week, I'm not home and this will give Monti access to PEE in my office again.  Ugh.  He hides under things, so I can't expect the crew to find him, move him past the gate, etc.  It would be far worse if he gets shut into a room or shut on the other side of the gate.

My plan for the afternoon is to do some journaling and thought downloads regarding my back pain.  Specifically, I'm freaking out that I'm going to get massively out of shape, have a super hard time managing my mood without a workout and balloon up.  This isn't true, but my brain keeps telling me that it's inevitable.  I'm going to prove it wrong (!!)

Have a good day.  Later gators.

Red Face, Books and a New Mug

Side effect of steroids -- red face.  Hot and irritated.  3 more days of the taper.  Man, I miss the me of 3 weeks ago!  

Finished this book yesterday.  It did have a few big twists, but I wouldn't call it fantastic.  The twists fell short of being believable in the context of the story.

Starting this today:

Got a new mug.  Great book titles and it's handle is super easy to hold.  

I was hoping to stop the muscle relaxers today, but I have too much pain this morning.  I'll try to miss my afternoon dose.  I don't like the feeling it gives -- loopy, no short-term memory, uncoordinated.  BUT, it does help my back so there's that.

Coaching call today.  Not sure what to chat about since I can barely thinking straight.  Probably a pity party about everything and she can give me a pep talk :)

Have a good day.  Later gators.