Three Levels Yesterday

I'm a little closer to feeling like myself. About halfway.

What went well ...

I hiked 9 miles -- beautiful day, first of spring ephemerals in bloom, found a couple of rocks by the river to paint. Took (walked) myself to lunch post hike and sat outside. Got a long overdue carwash on the way home. Made plans for a big solo hike today and meeting my aunt for lunch to celebrate her birthday. I fixed an issue from the hotel about a lost welcome bag.  

All good. 

What was prickly, but necessary ... 

I've needed to speak up more and that's uncomfortable. Bookshelves are in and are nice, but NOT what I wanted. It is what it is, but I told them they didn't give me what we discussed. The response was defensive and "we worked so hard on these." Both things are true -- you worked hard, and you didn't do what we agreed. These are SHELVES, not bookshelves. There is tons of empty space above the books -- not at the look I wanted. I was clear about this, in discussions, in text, with picture examples. I'll make it work, but it's disappointing.

A friend made a snarky comment and I called her out on it. Why? Because I didn't do anything -- it was her mistake and no need to fuss at me. Also uncomfortable. 

Things like this -- a number of times yesterday. 

It's important I speak up, even if I'm not asking for any change. Saying out-loud that something isn't okay with me. Keeping quiet is a lie; speaking up is being honest. Honest is the best way to stave off my resentment. And it's surprising how defensively it's received when these same people feel they can say/do what they want. 

I think the defensiveness is because they know I'm calling out something. My friend probably knew she was snarky and was mistaken; therefore, defensive when I addressed her comment. Other honest interactions don't bring forward this defensiveness. 

What went poorly ...

So many issues with closing, new house stuff, selling this house. Anxiety galore. I'm trying, with little success, to accept and move on from the worry. 

It's spilling over into a feeling that we're making a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't have bought a house before we sold. Maybe we're not getting a great house. Maybe, maybe, etc. 

My jaw is totally misaligned again and hurts. Chewing is a problem. Relaxing my jaw is a problem since my teeth don't fit. I keep holding my lower jaw with my hands. 

Every single thing our government is doing.

And there we are. Improvement. Not success yet. I'll keep trying today. I'm also protecting my interactions. I need a break from some people and situations. I want people who feel good and feel calming (like my aunt I'm seeing today). 

Hope you're having a good week. Later gators.