Took a selfie taking the dogs for a walk to thank the kids for the new jacket (Christmas present). It's an upgrade of my usual dog walking jacket which is the same style but ripped and stained. Quarter zip with a big front pouch. The bottom continues color blocking with a burnt rust color.
I didn't realize how much I needed some sunshine. It's one of the core feel-good things to do when I'm feeling blah. It makes sense that it was needed since I've spent so much time inside these last couple of weeks. I need to remember to remember .... SUNSHINE.
Remember when I said the day would come that I wanted out of January hibernation? It's come. I need in-person contact again. Hubby is home tonight, but leaves in the morning for Asheville. Home Sunday to leave Monday morning. Fortunately, I have a couple of plans next week (if everyone stays well).
The 20 minute coaching session was very good. I STILL believe my theory that you get a more experienced coach when you sign up early. Anyway, we talked about what I'm thinking in this (re-occurring) life situation. This might be hard to explain in short-hand, but here's the gist (without using the specific friend details).
1. someone repeatedly doesn't show up for me in the way I ask (need, want), but I've asked for support
2. I tell them I'm feeling unsupported or re-emphasize what I need and get blown-off. "It's no big deal."
3. Then, they want support for something.
Showing up to support them feels unfair to me. I made a promise to have my own back, speak up for myself, be seen/heard. BUT ... being unsupportive for the sake of "revenge" feels like I'm a shitty friend doing the same thing to them that they did to me. My answer was to show up, but with a shit ton of RESENTMENT (which is really hurt in disguise). That feels crappy.
We talked for most of the session and then at the very end, she asked me why it bothered me so much to show up for them even though that's what I wanted to do. Because I made a promise to stand up for myself, have my own back and that feels like a broken promise. Like I'm saying it's okay you aren't there for me, but, sure, I'll help you anyway. Her take -- but I am standing up for myself. Asking for what I need, saying how I feel about no support. I can't have an expectation about what another person will do with that information (can only control yourself), but I HAD MY BACK. I did stand up for myself.
Whoa. Mind blown. I did. I can have both -- speak up for myself (even with no support) and support the same person and BOTH are still showing up how I want to show up in the world. Both are having my own back.
Obviously, at any point, if I decide this isn't a friendship worth having anymore I can make a decision to end the relationship. I'm nowhere near that point with this particular person, but our friendship is wonky right now (for about a year). My guess is she's having an identity crisis of sorts and will come around when she's ready. This isn't the first time this has happened in our very, very long friendship.
It feels like I'm have so many troubles with friends lately and I am -- the deal is it's about ME, not them. Navigating this new me in an old patterned relationship is tricky. I need to learn new ways to show up, drop expectations and set boundaries -- all for keeping great people in my life.
First step is admitting there are troubles everywhere I look. That is hard because it shines me in an unflattering light. What kind of person has all these issues with EVERYONE? The answer is a growing person. These conflicts have stayed with me -- I'm not acting out on them. But talking about it in coaching is helping me show up as the person I want to be to them and INSIDE MY HEAD! The resentment and hurt don't need to linger anymore. The feelings happens, but I can process them by showing up for myself and moving forward.
It was a good call.
That's all the long-winded stuff from here this morning. Have a good day and stay well. Later gators.
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