Day 100

I've been keeping track of the number of days that I'm not drinking.  At first it was "to get it to a certain number" kind of tracking.  50 because, you know, I turned 50.  Now it's just curiosity about the number.  I don't have plans to drink, I don't have plans to not drink.  I'm continuing with my focus of doing things that make me feel my best and not drinking seems to be part of that right now.

False desires vs true desires.  Brooke Castillo and a recent podcast sums it up perfectly.

On a side note ... I listened to Brooke's latest podcast and it seems she's taking her "midlife crisis" to an extreme.  Pragmatic Brooke is being replaced by "Kumbaya" Brooke.  All love and touch and, frankly, some out there stuff.  Interesting to witness :)

With holiday "chores" in full swing and hubby feeling stressed about his job (and complaining to me about anything and everything) ... I'm feeling like I'm losing myself in others again.  Or at least, having to expend too much energy to stand for what I need and want.  Dang, boundaries coming up again.

I know this is exaggerated in my mind, but it seems like the attitude is DO FOR ME and then nitpick (criticize) anything I do for myself.  

An example ... 

I make hubby dinner and then he complains about the smell of my cauliflower rice (repeatedly).  So I light a candle, turn on the stove fan -- still commenting.  I made him something different because he wouldn't like what I made -- being nice, but I guess that wasn't enough.

We ended up getting snippy about this stuff last night -- both of us.  Went to bed with nothing resolved.  Not a good feeling this morning.  I won't give up on myself though.  For my adult life, I backed down from moments like this.  "I'll only make the cauliflower when he's not home so I don't have to listen to him complain."  No-go anymore.  I'm already compromising by making him something else, lighting a candle, etc.  That's more than enough.

Belonging to myself first.  Betraying myself last.  Brene Brown -- and it's my motto for 2021. 

Today is another full day and it's a full day of doing for others.  Grocery store run with the Christmas food prep list in hand (all recipes that I don't eat).  I want to get what I need for the make-ahead things I'm doing next week.  Baking Magic Cookie Bars for the kids and hubby tomorrow.  Giving hubby a hair cut (don't even get me started on this one).  Cleaning bathrooms.  My back hurts just thinking about today.

Guess my fun is a big old pity party.  Hah.  

Okay, enough bellyaching -- have some happy today.  That feels hard from my perspective this morning, but I'm giving it a go.  Stay well.  Later gators.