I've been battling the Jelly Monster all week. Envious, jealous -- lots of mature feelings hah. He showed up at my Pity Party and we've been hanging out. I took a deeper dive into those feelings and some insight into why I'm feeling this way.
Everyone is socializing, but me.
This is true and a big part of this is my choice to stay safe in GA during a pandemic. If you live in other parts of the country, you have some SAFE freedom and that's just a fact. But my fellow "careful" people seem to have some good fortune that I don't have -- hello, Jelly Monster. Vacation homes, extended family that live within a drive, friends who are being careful, boats to hang out on, vacations in the mountains. etc.
Deeper dive and I think this stems a lot from insecurities when I was young, awkward and had very few friends. It makes me feel less-than if I don't have validation from socializing. See, I am likable. See, I have friends. See, I do fun things too. Something about people asking about my week when the highlight is a Trader Joe's run makes me embarrassed. Especially when they have a big list of fun, social stuff. I need to remind myself I am NOT that person anymore.
I'm the only one doing hard things and keeping promises to myself.
Okay, probably not true, but it feels like it. I'm working hard to build healthy coping mechanisms, clean up my eating, strengthen my body, LEARN something from the pandemic. It's hard (and worth it, I know) and I'm looking for a partner in crime. Someone who gets it. Someone who shares the hard. Someone who can hold me up a little when I feel like throwing in the towel and I'm glad to do the same in return.
Except my peeps are throwing in the towel on the regular. Not even trying to "improve," saying it's too hard to do anything except hang on right now. Cope by eating and drinking. Never mind anything hard.
And they are contradicting themselves (not holding those "promises"). "This pandemic made me re-evaluate eating at a restaurant" ... then eating out all week before the weather turns and outside is colder. "I'm not having the cleaning crew back -- too risky." Never mind, they're back. "I'm not getting my nails done." Oh, I went last week and I felt safe. "I'm not socializing." Except for that small party I attended.
Some days I run down my own tank and I look for an outside hand up. I don't have one friend that can offer that these days and that makes my own path a bit harder. Community and connection and camaraderie are important parts of self-improvement (even though that seems like a contradiction). It's not any one else's job to help me, but I wish I had someone to give me a pep talk when I run low. No one wants to pep talk when they are deep diving into a bottle of wine. Instead, they want you to come back to "the dark side" with them.
Of course, it's totally my choice and I really DON'T want to throw in the towel, but there are times that that seems so awesomely easy and I'm jealous.
And, it's important to say, that they are showing up how they can show up. No judgement -- you do you. This is me wanting some help, that's all. And, for about 4 months that's how I showed up -- don't even look at me to do something hard. It's not that I'm doing "better" but I am doing "different" and I don't see that reflected in my friend group. That's why the Jelly Monster came to play.
Sitting in this feeling and reminding myself of my WHY is all I can do to make the Jelly Monster go away. I made a list of my GOOD things this week and there are quite a few.
Change is tough and solo change is even tougher.
I don't like to feel this way because I feel like a bad friend for being envious of my friends. The angel on my other shoulder is super happy that they are able to find fun and connection and things that get them through these hard times. I wish the same for ME TOO, but with MY RULES lol.
My fun and connection looks VERY DIFFERENT than it did a few months ago and THAT IS MY CHOICE. It's okay that everyone isn't exactly like me. Logically, I know this ... but sometimes I don't FEEL it.
That's my ranting ramble and my vent and my Pity Party with the Jelly Monster. Thanks for listening. Maybe writing about it can help it go away.
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