50

Every decade my bestie and I spend the last year of the old decade doing "improvements" or challenges to be our best as we enter the new decade.  This year 49 got away from us for a number of reasons (some good, some lazy) so we decided to focus on the year we turn 50 instead.

Then COVID.

There went that idea.

I still wanted to try a 50 day challenge because I like numbers and counting to the finish line.  I started and failed about 5 different times.  Workouts, meditation, daily habits, diet.  A couple of times I only made it to single digit count.  Oops. 

I was flopping and feeling a funk and realized I needed to try something to pull myself up since we have another year of this at least.  I started a 50 day challenge with ONE GOAL -- feel better than when I started.  Not the usual goal challenge (measurable, well defined, etc).  I could never "fail" and need to start over ... I could just learn and move forward.

It was a super slow roll.

I wrote down what I did to make myself feel better.  Sometimes making a new recipe.  Sometimes reaching out to a friend.  Sometimes reading a funny book.  Sometimes watching a funny movie.  Sometimes going for a walk.  Sometimes buying a new goodie.  Sometimes letting myself feel upset.  Sometimes looking for evidence of GOOD in the world that day.

You get the idea.  Nothing big.  Little activities of daily life that brought me UP in someway.  Habits build and I started repeating and adding.  Finding FUN in new places and new ways.

I also paid attention to when I felt yucky too.  Too much news.  Something canceled.  Seeing a new Trump sign.  Negative phone conversations.  Too much time alone.  Too much time inside.

It was about 2 weeks in when I started feeling noticeably better in a regular kind of way.  I kept pushing to add the HAPPY things in and started controlling some of the negative things (not answering a phone call, no news, etc).  It's not about being happy all the time, but I was rarely happy at all.  Month after month of being that low is not okay.

The biggest feel better or feel worse thing that changed me physically, mentally and emotionally?  DRINKING.  So I stopped.  

I don't have an issue with drinking, but I was fast on my way to one.  Using alcohol to buffer feelings, something "fun" for the evening ... multiply this for months.  A few days?  A week of buffering?  Not a big deal.  Month after month -- that's a problem.   

It's been over 5 weeks and it's the best quarantine decision I made.  I don't know when I'll drink again (and I will), but for now, this feels good.  Better physically.  Better mentally.  Feeling my feeling instead of drinking my feelings.  No questioning whether I should have a drink or not -- I'm just not right now.  That's freeing.

I also started eating a lot of plant-based meals.  For some reason, I'm not loving chicken (this started about a year ago) -- the texture makes me gag sometimes.  I'm enjoying playing around with a different way of cooking.  I'm still eating meat, but a lot less.

The BEST part of my diet changes?  NO ONE needs to know.  That means no comments, no judgements, no explaining, no pressure.  Quietly eating and drinking as I WANT -- how refreshing.  I never noticed how much outside influence changed how I ate/drank.  When COVID is finished, I need to set some boundaries on this (for me too) -- it's about ME after all, nobody else's business.  Just as what they chose is not my business.  This is a COVID plus.  When will I ever have this chance again?  Eat/drink with no social calendar obligations, no one else's opinions, no one else's pressures.

That brings me to the last big mindset change from my 50 day challenge.  View this time as an EXPERIMENT.  What can I do differently?  What can I try?  What can I let go of?  It's almost like a start over in a way.  Look at life through a different lens and start moving forward.  Somethings I'll keep, somethings I won't, but I get to try-on a bunch of new stuff.

Making this a temporary experiment rather than something that I'm longing to be over, makes things mentally manageable.  

I'm playing with sleep times, eating schedules, reading times.  How I cook, what I cook.  What I do for fun, what I do to relax.  What I watch, what I read.  House chores, grocery shopping.  Friends.  All an experiment in WHAT I WANT.  Somethings are a home run and somethings are one-and-done. 

Bottom line -- it's INTERESTING.  Feels like moving with a purpose -- a purpose to get to know myself without the distractions that used to fill my day.

I know this is possible because I have 2 weeks a month totally to myself -- living with only my decisions.  Then a weeks with hubby and family days.  It's a great balance.  

There's my 50 day challenge in an overview.  It's helped a lot.  I continued on with the next challenge with the same goal -- continue to feel better, get to know myself in a way I never have AND I added a focus toward The Green Dress.  The key word is TOWARD.  Progress is the idea ... end the 50 days in a better position than at the start.