Normal

Normal.  I hope.

I feel "healed" and I hope I am.  I'm ready to get back to a regular (but new) schedule.  It's been a challenge to push my brain, but I'm tired and brain-overwhelmed a lot less now ... fingers crossed.

(BTW - I just noticed how to add a title to the post!! I'm sure you all will appreciate the upgrade and creativity - lol!)

Today I have an appointment with my PCP to get a return to work note and my mammogram referral (2 months late).  I've procrastinated doing both because my weight is up from my physical last year.  How much??  I had no idea.  I don't often weigh myself anymore (a carry-over from Whole30).  It's liberating to be scale-free most of the time.  But a check-in every now and then is a good idea for me (because sometimes even clothes lie).

But why do I care???  Because last year the nurse made a point to say my weight was down from the previous year.  This means they notice.  Now I feel judged, embarrassed, guilty.  So I postpone a mammogram until I lose weight???  Lord - and I'm a nurse.  Shame on me.

My weight can't be up by a tremendous amount.  Most of my clothes fit.  And it's just been this month "off" from my accident that has bumped me up out of happy-range.

But I care.  I hate that I care.

I honestly felt sick over the thought of stepping on the scale today.  So I did what I needed to do and I weighed myself on Saturday.

Here's where you think I'm going to say ...  it's less than I thought ... but it wasn't.  20 lbs.

Now a bit of less-bad news.  I had eaten and had about 6 glasses of water/coffee/tea.  So not a "true" weight.  And I hold a lot of water weight - always do - and got my monthlies that day.  Problem is weekend was a final celebration of all things this spring (birthdays, great grades, new jobs, a weekend  - you get the idea).  So no amazing loss this morning (might even be higher - gasp!!).  Also, last year's visit followed 40 days of strict Whole30 so my weight was lower than usual.

Hello justifications.

Now I know the number and I will correct the number.  That's just what I do.  And I will hope this will be the last yo-yo - but I really don't believe that is possible (cue TR - HELP).

On a brighter note, as soon as I saw the number I relaxed - stress gone (which surprised me since it was high).  The truth shall set you free.

I feel good this morning.  Crap from my monthly friend behind me (cramps, cravings, emotions all gone).  Starting fresh, starting back and on a mission.  I will fit into all my clothes by my trip in June. Exactly one month.  I will feel good, feel strong, feel accomplished.

I had hoped to be there already.  I had hoped to not have to connect my determination to an event, a time-line, a "something."  But I have again.  Maybe that's what I need to do - have a "something" in the wings to keep me on tract.  Maybe I can't find my determination without it.

Is that bad?  I don't know.  I believe in doing what it takes, using tools you have, doing what works. But for some reason I think I need to just do it (hello Nike) - make it my "lifestyle" because that's the right thing to do. Using a "something" makes it temporary, makes it fake - like I'm skirting real change.  But maybe for me it's a tool.  A tool that works - every time.

Thoughts to ponder.

Mega post today.  Enough said.  Later gators.