And it OFFICIALLY begins ...

Holiday weekend over.

The countdown to TR is officially on.  That means I'm entering "strict" diet land today.  

Funny how I enjoy the rules of a strict diet.  This is a problem with my all-or-nothing issue, but I need to fit into my clothes  ... so, well ... I don't care right now.

I actually gave some serious thought to doing a few weeks of Jenny Craig (I'm a lifetime member).  I moved away from JC when I started doing paleo (Whole30).  Whole30 is a better, healthier alternative for me, BUT it's a ton of kitchen work.  But it's better for me and I'm not hungry and it gives me more flexibility.

It wins (but I say this a smidge reluctantly - I love the convenience of JC).

I'll weigh in on Friday.  Fingers crossed to be down 5 of water weight.

Also should finish TR program today.  More on that later.

Lots of "stuff" on the schedule today ... errands, TR, workout.  Time to get moving.

Memorial Day

Don't know if he really said this, but I liked the quote.

House is quiet and a busy day ahead.  I'm going to take this time to listen to more TR instead of waxing poetic on my journal :-)

Bless all those past and present who serve our country.

Lazy Sunday

Just chillin' and cooking today.

Family grill-out tonight with some bacon-wrapped fillets from a local butcher.   Tomorrow is a bigger family bbq at my cousin's house.  So lots of cooking.

And lordy it's gotten hot.  Takes me (and the poor dog) time to acclimate to summer.

I haven't even worked out yet.  Deciding what my body can do today ... run? lift? tabata?  Can't do anything until around 11:30 (since I blew it off this morning in favor of an extra cup of joe on the deck).  Having a family meeting with eldest to discuss budgeting his paycheck this summer and beyond.  Hubby set the time since he wants to golf ... oh well.

I'm not a fan of cooking dinner every night.  When it's just me I usually have something cooked ahead and add a veggie.  Keeps it simple at night ... dishes to a minimum, etc.

With the family home dinner is kind of a big deal.  Lots of food to cook, lots of dishes to do and it's so crazy hot out.  It's honestly a pain in the butt.  Now I need to plan for a bbq on Monday too.  I know, 1st world problems.

Grocery lists, grocery shopping, cooking, baking ... time to begin.  Later gators.

Downward??

I hope so.

Had an on-point day yesterday.  Back to the simple things.  Ate healthy, eat enough - not too much, learned something and the all-important lash grower.

Didn't weigh myself this morning (yet).  Hubby was in the room.  (After almost 24 years of marriage, I still have my secrets.)  I'm hoping for a good return on my good day.  I hold lots of water weight when I overeat and usually take off that first 5 pounds zippy quick.

I'm counting on my 15lb gain to really be 10lb after my water weight.  Fingers crossed.

Now I just need to "do" yesterday again, and again, and again ...  no problem lol!!

I canceled my barre class this morning.  My neck was tired and sore after my hair appointment (you know, leaning back into sink not a great position, but come on - it's a hair appointment!!)  Thought best to error on side of caution - especially since I've never taken that class before.  I'll do a cardio workout today and start some easy resistance stuff this weekend.

Hair appointment makes me happy.  Even thought this was the non-highlight one.  Makes my hair a bit darker than I want, but bye-bye grey.  Also my eyebrows look strange the first day.  Red from the torture and REALLY dark from the dye.  Oh, and I get a mini-keratin treatment too.  So hair looks greasy and kind of like a wig.

But it still makes me happy.  Happy for what the future will bring ... better hair.  It's worth the day of $$ and case of the uglies to get to the goal.

I apply this logic to so much of my life.  All I need to do is figure out how to apply it to eating too.  I'm in the hair chair getting uglier by the minute and happy as can be anticipating the FUTURE result.

Hope to get in a TR CD today.  Family is all home and we have a busy day so hit-or-miss.

Okay my lovely reader (some self-love never hurts) ... see you tomorrow.  Work the SIMPLE stuff and find your ZEN (said some extremely wise person). XO

This cracks me up!!

Not quite Tony Robbins, but it does the trick.

Scale Time

Okay, seems like my life is back in place.  Head and neck feeling better every day.  Concussion symptoms improved (maybe gone).  Off work for a couple of weeks.

No excuses left.

Time to get the scale moving down.  I weighed this morning and I'm the same.  I've been eating healthier food, but still too much.  Working out a little, but still limited.

Time is ticking to my June trip.

The workout thing is good.  I'm gradually (safely) stepping back into the throws.  It's a productive "routine" in my life.  It's stuck like glue in my DNA.  Thank God for small favors on this one.

Of course, my eating has always been the issue.  If I'm being honest, probably always will be something I need to manage.  I guess I also manage the workout routine, but it comes naturally, easily.  Believe you and me, I have tried to emulate what works for the workout to make it work for the eating, but can't find that magic potion ... yet.

Working the TR program leads to the question ... what emotional pattern (feeling) am I fulfilling with eating?  I keep saying it's a quest for pleasure.  But I'm wondering if it's more filling a BORED cup.  Because if something comes along that occupies me strongly (good or bad), I don't think about eating.

Good or bad.  So not necessarily about pleasure.  Pleasure might be just one of the things that adds variety (i.e. stops the boredom).

Problem is food ends the boredom too easily, too passively, to predictably.  I can't find that ONE THING that does it as well.  Of course, the other "things" don't have crappy consequences.  I wonder if that's the key.  Find a suitable substitute ... one that's predictable and relatively easy and enjoyable.

I have lists upon lists of ideas (read, go for a walk, meditate, shop, etc) but nothing works consistently. When I'm tired I don't want to spend energy searching for the "thing" that will work that night.  A book is great ... when it's a great book.  A walk is great ... when I'm not physically spent.  Meditation is great ... rarely.  Shopping is great ... when I have something I want to buy.

But I believe when you look, you find.  So I keep looking.

Another thought .. suck it up.  A little boredom is not a big deal.  Put my big girl panties on and stop bitching and moaning.

Why am I bored?  How do I change it?  Questions to ponder.

I'm all over the place with my "solutions."  I'll keep working it out but now it's time to get my day started.

Goodbye grey hair and hello shaped eyebrows.  Love a hair appointment.

Goal for today ... do what makes the scale go down.  I know, it's superficial, but that's what I've got for today.  Later gators.

Dare I say - Feeling GOOD?!?

I slept so well last night.

But full disclosure, I took Benadryl to sleep.  Haven't done that since my injury, but I feel like I'm tossing and turning all night.  It worked.  I don't want it to become a habit (as it can mess with sleep cycles and possibly have dementia risks in elderly) but I feel rested this morning.

My neck and head are MUCH better today.  Still some muscle soreness and fatigue in my neck, but it's a relief to be mending (again).

No return to work without a bunch of exams, forms, etc.  So it will be at least 2 weeks off, maybe 3.  I handled it with no big emotional response this time!  Could my concussion be over??!  Please, please, please.

I want to take advantage of the time off to get myself back together.  Back in shape, back to healthy diet, back to sanity.

Starting over, pulling myself up, wiping off the grime.

I'm going back to listening to my TR CD's today.  I have 6 left.  I'm not quite as thrilled with the program as I was initially.  Still good, still learning ... but I'm ready to take a break for a little while.

I signed up for my first barre class on Saturday (Dr. Sun cleared my workouts).  I usually like to feel my "best" before I try something new.  This time I'm starting at my less-than-best (aka pretty bad) but what the hell.  I need to get over myself and my ego.

I'm dying to have an outside run but probably still too soon.  I think I'll try a treadmill "run" this morning.  My neck isn't completely ready for muscle exertion but easy running should be fine.  I love zoning-out over repetitive movement and music (sometimes I listen to the same song on repeat for the entire run).  I don't use music when I run outside, so it's a treat saved for the treadmill.

Speaking of treats ... (who doesn't love to speak of treats!!?!)

Sometimes when I need a big re-do (like now!) I like to reward myself with little things as I begin (again) ... just a little non-food pleasure to get me through the tough beginning days.

new music
pedicure
movie
book

You get the idea.  It's fun.  I'm going to think of some good ones today.

The next couple of weeks are a bit boring in terms of friend-fun.  Most are traveling (school is out today) or have company.  So the pickings are slim.  Good time to focus on me.

Oh and tomorrow is my hair appointment.  It's even better than a Monday as a ceremonial start to the quest for the BEST me!!  (Of course, I'm starting today ... but close enough!)  Later gators.

Answers - finally!

According to Dr. Sun my C5 is out of alignment which is inflaming and pinching a nerve.  And what nerve you may ask?  The VAGUS nerve ... {drum roll} ... which causes a vagal response, i.e. passing out.

Problem solved?!?!

He did adjusting and a whole lot of acupuncture (which really hurt this time - apparently because it was so inflamed).  He said to expect some soreness and pressure for next couple of days.  He's right about that.  No workout today.  My head and neck are a mess.

He also worked on my concussion symptoms (which included the emotional instability).  Don't know if it's the placebo effect or what he did worked - but I feel really "stable" today.  Hard to tell about other symptoms since my head and neck are bothering me considerably.

He says this was all aggravated (and perhaps caused) by golf.  Interesting.  The timing supports that perfectly (exact same time of year it started - just when golf clinic begins.)

Off work this week, maybe next week at most.  Then back to the swing of things (no pun intended).

Oh, and no neuro appointed necessary.  I WAS RIGHT!!  Of course, I was wrong about the passing out cause, but 1 out of 2 ain't bad!

Thank you Dr. Sun.

WTF Concussion!!?!?

Yesterday turned out to be a stressful day.

Came out of nowhere.  Not really a horrible event but I sure made it that in my mind.  Is this part of the concussion syndrome??  Overreaction to stress.  I don't know.  I was emotional (crying which I don't often do), anxious (for no reason) and angry (which I couldn't let go). I had a physical weight on my chest from anxiety that wouldn't relieve itself, even after the stressor passed.  That's never happened.

Today I am drained.  Emotionally, physically.  It's all strange.  I'm fighting feeling sad and overwhelmed.  FOR NO REASON!!!!  I don't get it.  I have my oddities, but this is not one of them.

I'm seeing a chiropractor, acupuncturist today.  He helped with my back injury (golf!) about a year ago.  I'll see what he says.

I feel like I'm slowly going crazy (a different crazy from my normal crazy - lol).  Brain stuff is hard to figure out.

I may return to work tomorrow.

If the drive to doctor's today goes well (about an hour highway).
If HR lets me return without clearance (my stress from yesterday - no return to work clearance - must see neurologist first - stupid!!)
If my boss agrees with HR.

I'm ready to go back AND I'm not ready to go back.  I think I'm nervous I won't be able to do it.  But I miss it and I'm bored.  I had an out to quit yesterday, but I didn't take it.  I don't want to leave yet and I don't want to leave under these circumstances.

As much as I don't want to workout today, I'm going to give it a go.  That helps boost my mood (always - usually - hopefully).

I'm gaining an appreciation for people who suffer from mental difficulties (anxiety, stress, depression).  I sometimes experience these feelings, but they are situational and quick to resolve.  I don't live there and I don't go there for no reason.  But this month I have ... over and over.  Just when I think I've behaved out of it ... wham ... I go there again.  I honestly want to crawl in bed today and cry.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!??!?!  This concussion is winning and that pisses me off.

Okay - enough for now.  Later gators.

Normal

Normal.  I hope.

I feel "healed" and I hope I am.  I'm ready to get back to a regular (but new) schedule.  It's been a challenge to push my brain, but I'm tired and brain-overwhelmed a lot less now ... fingers crossed.

(BTW - I just noticed how to add a title to the post!! I'm sure you all will appreciate the upgrade and creativity - lol!)

Today I have an appointment with my PCP to get a return to work note and my mammogram referral (2 months late).  I've procrastinated doing both because my weight is up from my physical last year.  How much??  I had no idea.  I don't often weigh myself anymore (a carry-over from Whole30).  It's liberating to be scale-free most of the time.  But a check-in every now and then is a good idea for me (because sometimes even clothes lie).

But why do I care???  Because last year the nurse made a point to say my weight was down from the previous year.  This means they notice.  Now I feel judged, embarrassed, guilty.  So I postpone a mammogram until I lose weight???  Lord - and I'm a nurse.  Shame on me.

My weight can't be up by a tremendous amount.  Most of my clothes fit.  And it's just been this month "off" from my accident that has bumped me up out of happy-range.

But I care.  I hate that I care.

I honestly felt sick over the thought of stepping on the scale today.  So I did what I needed to do and I weighed myself on Saturday.

Here's where you think I'm going to say ...  it's less than I thought ... but it wasn't.  20 lbs.

Now a bit of less-bad news.  I had eaten and had about 6 glasses of water/coffee/tea.  So not a "true" weight.  And I hold a lot of water weight - always do - and got my monthlies that day.  Problem is weekend was a final celebration of all things this spring (birthdays, great grades, new jobs, a weekend  - you get the idea).  So no amazing loss this morning (might even be higher - gasp!!).  Also, last year's visit followed 40 days of strict Whole30 so my weight was lower than usual.

Hello justifications.

Now I know the number and I will correct the number.  That's just what I do.  And I will hope this will be the last yo-yo - but I really don't believe that is possible (cue TR - HELP).

On a brighter note, as soon as I saw the number I relaxed - stress gone (which surprised me since it was high).  The truth shall set you free.

I feel good this morning.  Crap from my monthly friend behind me (cramps, cravings, emotions all gone).  Starting fresh, starting back and on a mission.  I will fit into all my clothes by my trip in June. Exactly one month.  I will feel good, feel strong, feel accomplished.

I had hoped to be there already.  I had hoped to not have to connect my determination to an event, a time-line, a "something."  But I have again.  Maybe that's what I need to do - have a "something" in the wings to keep me on tract.  Maybe I can't find my determination without it.

Is that bad?  I don't know.  I believe in doing what it takes, using tools you have, doing what works. But for some reason I think I need to just do it (hello Nike) - make it my "lifestyle" because that's the right thing to do. Using a "something" makes it temporary, makes it fake - like I'm skirting real change.  But maybe for me it's a tool.  A tool that works - every time.

Thoughts to ponder.

Mega post today.  Enough said.  Later gators.

Because I'm obsessed (in a good way) with my new TR program ... here's what's happening.

As it happens, this program is designed for professionals as a training program to help people achieve lasting change.  I like the change in perspective.  And, I'm super happy to have some new material after 20 years!

The other programs I own are abbreviated versions of multiple programs designed to give a more general view while covering a lot of material (way more affordable).  This is a program in it's entirety - in depth.  Wow!!

This is good for me.  I need a swift kick in the butt and I need to finally quit pissing around with making changes in my behavior.

I have some insights into my funk over the last many months too.  And I've only listened to 2 days.  It feels like a form of long needed therapy.  I feel like help has arrived.  It makes me mega pumped to go to his seminar in June.

Love me some TR!!

"Thank God I'm not a cockroach in Bulgaria."  TR

Love this reminder (plus I wanted to add a picture!!)  Now I might be picture happy!


Now testing a link ...

Tony Robbins


Okay ... listening to TR again this morning ... intro playing, but now time to concentrate.  Later gators.

Hello cyber world.

I'm going to LOVE the new TR program.  Listened to most of disc 1 yesterday and already want to hear it again.  Packed full of great information.  I listened while partially distracted (I do know better), but I was so excited to start.

So today is hopefully a second listen followed by next disc.

Full house as expected with today's addition of my hubby's best friend (hello golf weekend).  Timing is a bit of a bummer, but he deserves a fun weekend.

Making pulled chicken for "easy" bbq sandwiches today.  And that's about it on the required work list.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about changes in my career.  I love my job, hate my commute and am tired of a "call" requirement.  I'm also a bit bored of the same thing for almost 5 years.  I want to do something that fits better into the life I want to lead right now.

But change is hard for me.  And I think this has given me a lot of subconscious stress because whenever I actively think about it, I freak out.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I doing it for the right reasons?  Am I falling into the "grass is greener" trap?  Will I regret the change?  So never mind - and I push the thought back and continue on.

Compounding my indecisiveness is this feeling that life can be short, things can happen.  This last year was big on that message.  I lost 2 friends unexpectedly and it's really played with my sense of urgency to ease up a little and ENJOY my life.

This is a really good time in my life.  Financially, physically, emotionally - you name it - it's all good.  So why am I not taking advantage of this "prime-time?"  Why am I still just going through the motions of life?  Planning for future, being responsible, being conservative.

I wonder if that's why I feel in a funk right now ... why while I'm having a good life on paper, the reality doesn't feel as good as it should.

The "right" decision is becoming more clear.  The details are what need some work.  Bring on TR!!

My new Tony Robbins program came last night!

I'm super excited to start it.  It's a 10 day program.  Of course, my life has been one big nothing since the concussion BUT today is jammed full.  So ... might have to start it tomorrow.  We'll see :-)

I've listened to the same program over and over for almost 20 years - yes 20 years!!  First I borrowed the set of cassettes from work, then purchased my own set, then updated 2 different times.  I love them, but I know them well and it's not as captivating as it used to be.  (Still works and is AWESOME - but you know what I mean - lordy 20 years is a long time!)

I'm curious to see what is different about this program (and what's the same).

All this in preparation for his seminar in June.  It's been a 20 year dream to see him live and it's finally happening.  A bucket list kind of thing.

I want need to do more of that bucket list achieving thing.

I spend so much time being responsible, being reliable, being predictable - it's kind of boring.  Now don't get me wrong, I like that I'm that way.  I wrote about it before.  Being responsible has a very good side and I'm proud of it.

I started by finding little adventures in my day (which took a backseat after my injury - shoot).  That changes today.  Hello little adventures - I'm back.  Nothing wrong with little - I like that little bit of surprise in every day.  And when you look, you find.  Almost magical how that works.

But I've been doing a lot of thinking last couple of weeks.  I'm in a weird depressed place and I don't like it.  Probably the injury, probably other stuff too.  I'm working hard to change it.

Anyway, I want to do more BIG exciting things.  (Not risky - I talked about that before - not a good idea for me - lol).  Just big stuff I want to do in life.  Travel, experience new things.  Come partially out of my responsible shell that tells me to save money, pay my dues, wait until someday.  Someday should be now.  I have money in the bank, good health (or soon will), I've paid my dues all my life. Time to cash in.

I never take a spontaneous trip.  A friend of mine does that all the time.  She and her husband flew to New Orleans on a whim for a weekend - just because they could.  I've never been and have always wanted to go.   So why don't I do it??  Same old reasons.  I'm going to work on this.  Start planning to be more spontaneous (yes, I hear it ... but I'm still me and I like a plan).  Start doing some things just because I can.

What's happening today??

90 min massage (hope it helps concussion)
dentist (ugh - necessary evil - and it is evil)
son home from a vacation (trying some highway driving again)
hubby home from business trip

House will be full tonight ... all my boys are back in town.  Later gators.

Family coming home today.  I'm looking forward to some activity around the house again.  It's been a long stretch of very quiet these last few weeks.

The weather is picture perfect gorgeous today.  Crisp, cool air; temp in the 70's; blue skies.  Lovely.  So nice in fact, I think I'll plan a dinner on the deck tonight.

I hope to walk the dog today.  Didn't get that far yesterday.  Closet cleaning took it out of me, but the closet looks so much better.  It's a great feeling to organize, declutter, and spit-shine.  Didn't do my "good" clothes since I ran out of steam.  But piles of shoes, workout clothes, swim suites, travel items, toiletries all are fixed up.  3 bags in the trash; 3 bags to Goodwill.

On the agenda today:

grocery store (returning family = need food!)
possible trip to Container Store or Target (I'll see how I feel after grocery store - this is solely pleasure trip)
cook dinner and bake some banana muffins

That a lofty list for me, but I'm trying to build back up.  I'm going to call out of work until Friday and (fingers crossed) will be able to finally make the return to work.

Did my TR program yesterday and had an interesting epiphany (I hope).

I hate that I spend the whole day happily enjoying healthy habits and then I sabotage it all over a couple of hours at night.  It's like I'm 2 different people.  I've tried countless ways to change my night routine (cue everyone's advice ... believe me I've tried it ... works a bit or works a little while, then not at all).

Why do I do it?  Sugar drop, endorphins, habit, hormones??  Does it even matter why?

Anyway.  Found approach #161 (but whose counting) yesterday.

I'm seeking pleasure.  That's it.  I don't "need" sugar; I don't "need" wine; I don't "need" to stuff myself full.  I just want pleasure.

Pleasure at the end of a day.  Pleasure that's easy.  Pleasure that's a sure thing.  I need a pleasure fix.  And years of habit have told me my pleasure fix comes from my bad habits.

But, of course, it's just immediate pleasure followed by instant and lasting disgust and disappointment.  I want LASTING pleasure.  I want MASSIVE pleasure.  I want pleasure that's EXPONENTIALLY greater than that instant moment.

So last night when I was seeking pleasure, I let my brain know that I was having pleasure by NOT partaking in bad habits.  And this pleasure FAR EXCEEDED any immediately pleasure.  I was practically bathing in PLEASURE!

And my brain said - oh perfect - pleasure is just what I wanted.  And that was that.  Huh??  Could it be that easy?  I tell myself I'm having massive pleasure and the bad desires just go away?!?!

I'm counting on you #161.  Don't let me down.

Here are some updates.

Dinner last night at a friend's house.  Good company and a great meal to boot!

I FINALLY ordered pillows (the expensive kind) for my family room and keeping room.  I buy cheap ones, they crap out in a month and I re-buy.  Trying the "quality" option to see if they last longer.

Lash grower still happening :-)  I may have reached maximum length ... don't know.  Some reports say it takes up to 3 months.  I have a 3 month supply, so keeping on.  They are longer and broken ones have grown in, but don't know if anyone else can actually tell the difference.  Guess it's a beauty secret for my eyes only- lol!

I did a goal setting workshop from TR yesterday.  Personal goals, thing goals and economic goals.  Lots of overlap but I have a fun list.

Of course - top 2 are health/eating and job situation.  Big ones.

But some fun things in there too!  Can't wait to get started once I'm back to "normal."

On today's menu ... clean my closet.  It's not horrible, but needs a refresher.  I'll see if the mood strikes me to do this today.  It's one of those things that I need to be in the right frame of mind to do.  And it actually takes some brain power (which I'm limited on) to decide what stays and what goes.

Have you ever gotten purge happy and then found you "need" it all the very next week?!?  Or think every item has enormous value and can never be thrown out - then all I do it re-fold my closet.

Might sound like I'm procrastinating, but I actually like to clean the closet.  I just have to be of sound mind and body to get the most bang for my efforts.

Hmmm ... what else?  Ordered a new TR program yesterday.  When you sign up for a seminar you can get a program on loan for $15 (shipping).  It's a $300 program ... so why not!  I should be finished redoing the ones I own by the time it comes.

Well, off to get my day going.  Listening to a TR CD, having a "workout," heading to Starbucks (with the dog - he loves a car ride), cleaning the closet???, maybe a movie tonight and a dog walk (poor pup stuck with me doing nothing).  Not a bad day ahead.  Maybe even able to find some long lost zen.  Later gators.

Lordy - life is not a straight shot.  This has been a topsy-turvy week.

Work is a no go.  Too much, too soon.
Vacation is a no go.  Family left this morning.

So here I sit.  A little sad, a little lonely, a little blah.  My go-to friends are all out of town or mega busy with end of school year, etc.   So it's me, myself and I (plus the dog) home with a very limited list of what I can do.

I feel like a failure.  Not doing well.  Starting over ... recommitting to the same thing over and over ... 2 steps forward, 3 back.  I'm sick of hearing myself.

There was a blog I read a year or so ago.  This person always claimed to make a change, saw the light, never going back and then failed ... over and over.  I stopped reading it because it annoyed me.  Stupid girl.  She wasn't really trying.  Talking the talk, but hollow words.

Probably annoyed me because it hit too close to home.  She's me.

I don't believe in giving up.  But repeating and failing over and over is just plain idiotic.  Promises to myself that hold little meaning.

I have some thinking to do.  I stopped my Tony Robbins program because of concussion.  I'm going to use some of this time home alone to start up again (if my brain is ready.)

I know a lot of what is happening now is related to my accident.  I'm very limited, brain compromised and a little depressed.  But still ...

So I'm re-grouping (again).  I'm not sure if I'll write in my blog over the next few days since I'll be working the TR program.

One blog post I want to write is a bucket list.  I don't have one spelled out.  Just loosely in my head.  I think that will be fun.

I don't like being a Debbie-Downer.  This blog was not supposed to be negative, complaining, whining journal.  It should be notes on creating a zen-like life.  Can I do it?  Lord I hope so.

Happy Mother's Day to ME!

Hubby out of town to pick up eldest from school.  Youngest still sleeping.  Dog at my feet.  Breakfast out after my "workout" today.  A new recipe to make for dinner.  It's a good day.

I think I'll sign off for now.  Maybe a post later tonight - suspense builds lol!

I almost forgot to write today.

A day in the kitchen cooking and baking in advance of both boys home from school on Monday.  Even made my first cheesecake for the April birthday we missed celebrating.  Have to say it looks PERFECT!  Hope it tastes good too.

It's a mixed blessing having them home.  LOVE spending time with the amazing men they have become.  Really awesome boys (and I not just because I'm their mom).  Makes me proud just to be around them.

But ... cue the mommy job again.  Cooking, extra cleaning, sports on the TV, loud noises stomping through the house ... you get the picture.  Now don't get me wrong, first couple of weeks are fantastic.  It's my pleasure and my duty and I couldn't be happier to make a nice cosy home.

Then I hate it.

I guess I'm not much of a domesticated women.  I really enjoy the freedom of taking care of just me (and the dog and occasionally the hubby).  I like not wearing a bra after dinner, leaving the bathroom door ajar, watching my TV, etc.

But - they are really amazing kids and I love them.  And I will play mommy for the summer (again).  And I will miss them horribly when they go back to school.

Love and hate, but mostly love XO

"Where are the tomorrows that worried me so."

I have that quote on a little note card from a daily inspiration I found years and years ago.  And it's so true.

Geared up for a 4 day stretch at work ... now I'm just working Monday.  Long story, not important (and I will have to do my duty to make it up) but I am glad to have a few more days to recover.  As long as I'm taking it easy, I do okay.  Pushing the envelop with driving and thinking is hard still.

But I worried a lot about it.  I tried not to ... and sometimes I didn't, but none was necessary.  Worry is a waste - waste of time, waste of focus, waste of energy.  (Cue the Jim Rohn voice in my head.)

Lesson noted (again).

Anyway ... I haven't had much to write about because I'm still in a holding pattern as I recover.   I'm even boring myself - lol - hopefully more interesting stuff to come!

So here's just an update.

Did well with my eating healthy and eating enough yesterday.  Thank you MyFitnessPal.  It's new and exciting so it's working for me (for now).  Don't necessarily see it running "forever", but you never know.  Got to try new stuff.

I'm back to doing a little reading at night.  Just a novel easy on the brain.

Lashes are growing.  I wonder when they'll reach the max - I think it's around 8 weeks.  I'm at about 5 weeks (I think).  My friend (and the reviews) report they get long enough to touch your glasses (with mascara).  I'm not there yet!  I've always had puny lashes so this really excites me.  THIS I could do forever :-)

I can't wait to get back into my new fitness routine.  It's exciting to have a new goal in this area.  It's been a long time since I've had more than the usual goals.

Okay lovelies off to start my day.  Nothing planned (since I was suppose to work) and not a lot I can do, but I PLAN to enjoy the day anyway.

Victory yesterday in the "all or nothing" category.

When I'm "on" I will eat a paleo style diet - meats, veggies, healthy carbs.  When I'm "off" - lordy you don't want to know - even I would rather not know (part of the problem - more on that below).

Eating healthy during the day is not hard for me.  It's what I want, what I crave, what makes me feel good (aka gives me pleasure).  I actually don't like to eat crappy during the day.  But IF I do, it messes with my all-or-nothing mindset and I spend the rest of the day eating crap.  Counterintuitive, stupid, illogical ... I know.

Okay, long loop to get to my story of yesterday.  Out to lunch with a friend who loves to eat low carb.  Easy to lunch with her since paleo works well with her needs too.  Yesterday, she wanted a treat and surprised me with a pizza pick for lunch (she knows I love pizza).

Ugh.  Cue the ugly head voices.  I just had an on-track day the day before.  Not ready for pizza - 'cause I consider it an "off" food at lunch time.  But she was so excited. Only needed one slice but ate 2 slices (it was the lunch special - duh).  And to top it off, pizza was not very good.   Oily, bland, not worth it.

Now dinner time.  Youngest home from school ... "let's do pizza."  Oh no.  Oh yes.  2 more slices (but at least yummy this time).  So the only healthy meal was breakfast.  And with kids entering the picture (pantry) for the summer, I picked up some goodies as a welcome home.

That my friends is the perfect storm (or perfect equation).  Bad eating = more bad eating = raid the amazingly decadent panty = failure.

But ...

I decided to tract my food in MyFitnessPal - but never really got it off the ground (because I was eating too much - no electronic evidence thank you).

Luckily for me I had finally committed to try it for a month and see if I like it.  Accountability.  No way do I want to enter a bag (or 2) of chocolate into my day.  But that's not really the complete why (since that's a bit all-or-nothing ... will only log if I'm "good").

Here's what seems revolutionary to me.  I logged all the pizza (even choosing the higher calorie choices from the list) and I still was on tract calorically for the day.  Not the best day, but not the worst either.  Hello MODERATION!

IT CAN BE DONE!  Moderation can be MY friend too. Moderation of not following every rule I think I should follow ... allowing life to unfold some days without the perfect plan ... and being okay with that.

I seem to love (or want) food rules.  Eat this, not that (and, yes, I have the books).  Don't combine this and that.  Only eat so many times a day.  Never do this.  Always do that.  It sets me up for being on-or-off. And all the rules are different.  It's too much ... and too much leads to being overwhelmed ... and being overwhelmed leads to giving up.  I need to stop this pattern.

I have SIMPLE guidelines that work for me and that should be my focus.  I don't need so many rules.

Okay - long, rambling post.  I'm even sick of writing it!  Today is my last day off ... long work stretch begins tomorrow.  Wish me luck :-)

Good morning.

I had a really good day yesterday.  And by good I mean I did my SIMPLE stuff ... all day long ... FINALLY!!  No snacking, no overeating, good healthy choices, learned some stuff, did some breathing and, of course, applied my lash grower (lol).

What made the difference yesterday is I DECIDED (again!).  Just that simple.  Didn't matter if I wanted to or didn't want to ... I did it because it's right for ME.

Feels really good today.

I gave into the woe-is-me I have an injury as an excuse to give up and not really push myself.  Lesson learned - or at least lesson noticed.  Lessons can take some time for me.

Interesting how it's so much easier to do the right stuff - a smidgen of discomfort during the witching hours VS a day of beating myself up for lousy decisions. Oh, and feeling crappy, low energy, low motivation, stomach upset, mental fog, tight pants, face puffy ... the list goes on and on.

So the big question ... drum roll ... if it's that obvious, that one-sided WHY don't I do it all the time (or at least the majority of the time)?

I'm telling you, if the universe offered to answer any mystery of life, I might choose that very question.  It's that perplexing to me.  Pathetic, I know.

My day today holds a bit more adventure than the previous week - thank you healing brain.

Trader Joes and lunch with a friend.
Driving my car (to the dog groomer) ... oh how I miss the freedom!
Youngest son home for a few days before last final - so dinner out (if I can).

Better get started ... bye bye!

Enough crap about my concussion.  So ...

I thought I'd lament today about writing this blog.

It's interesting to me how much I enjoy writing a little entry each day.  It's just me here in cyber-land.  Sometimes I think I'm a writer extraordinaire and other times I think - boy that was garbage. I like re-reading posts (especially when I'm struggling to stay on track).  I like wondering what I'll write about.  Most of the time I have no idea ... I just start typing.  But I get excited if I have an idea the day before.

It's kind of like a therapy session for the day.

You hear it all the time - power of the written word.  I've become a believer.

I'm writing mainly about my struggle with eating and diet and food (or so I've noticed).  Story of my life that I'm determine to re-write.  It takes up too much energy, time, focus.  There are more important things in my life and this needs to take a back seat.  Still riding front seat right now - clearly!

See, even this post morphed into a tangent on fixing this frustration!

I like to repeat thoughts.  My repeat today is changing my evening routine.  I have an extraordinary morning routine.  Empowering, healthy, energized.  Then it goes to hell in the evening.  Good old Jim Rohn says life is about your routine.  Get a better routine, get a better life.

I also like to pair thoughts in 3's.  3 adjectives (boy that took me forever to spell - even spell check was like WTF - I'll blame it on the brain injury!!) in a row; 3 thoughts strung together; 3 strong action verbs.  (I had to make that a sentence of 3 just to highlight my point!)

It's nice to NOT care about type-os or grammar.  It's stream of thought all the way.  Start a sentence with "and" and "but" ... no problem.  Use "..." all-the-time ... no problem.  Correct punctuation, run-on sentences - whatever!

I have this love/hate with the idea of someone else reading my blog.  Everyday I write and wonder if I'll have any readers or OMG, a comment.  And everyday it's just me.  I feel relief and disappointment simultaneously.  I could put myself out there.  I read 2 other blogs regularly.  Not a big deal to give them a shout-out about my blog.  Or I could tell my friends.  Or if I were really brave, I could put it on Facebook.

But I won't.  Why??  Because lordy help me if they don't become religious readers and LOVE what I write.  I'd be hurt.  I'd also be embarrassed to share.  And don't even get me started on a mean comment ... then I might need actual therapy (or a cake) ... not to trivialize therapy or those who use it, of course.

I'm going to sign-off now and "publish" this post.  And don't you know, I have that little bit of excitement just to see if someone happened to read yesterday ... and just a little bit of dread that maybe they did.

Bye, bye folks (aka me).

I want to post an entry today, but I have nothing to say (lol).  I guess that happens when life is in a temporary holding pattern.

Quick update ... no work until Friday.  Driving is still a problem and I have one hell of a commute.  Walking on treadmill is still going.  Nothing strenuous though.  Slow going, but even slow is progress.  Patience.  Not my strong suit.

Eckart Tolle says when you ask the universe for patience, the universe will respond by giving you opportunities to practice patience.  Interesting ... so I stopped asking for patience ... maybe not the best interpretation.  Guess I'm getting it anyway.  Oh you clever universe!!

Did I mention - I'm bored out of my mind?!?

Funny how you use your brain for EVERYTHING ... so to rest said brain means stopping EVERYTHING.  Well, not everything, but definitely the extras.

The more you rest, the faster you recover.  Also hard for me.  I subscribe to the push yourself and get stronger philosophy.

Could this be a test of my new found determination to find a new me??  Wish the test came later ... after I was more the-new-me.  P.S.  I'm not doing so well on this test.  C- at best.

But the good news is I'm not giving up.  Still plugging along.  Still determined.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I miss you work-out.  I miss you reading.  I miss you driving. I miss you dog park.  I miss you friends.  And *gasp* I miss you work (not as much as the other stuff though ... lol!!).

Stay tuned tomorrow for probably another post about "nothing" but hey talking about "nothing" is still better than nothing.  (Just making sure my brain can still handle a pun!)  Later gators.

Yesterday was not a good concussion day but today seems better.

I'll do an easy walk on the treadmill to get the old body moving and see where that leaves me.   Gearing up to go back to work ... and that's going to be a push.

I need to practice my "good thinking" this week.

I have a long 4 day stretch with on-call and working with a big nursing shortage for next few weeks.  I don't know if my brain can take the stimulation.  I'm already starting to worry about it, worry about the drive, worry about on-call.  NOT helpful to my recovering brain to worry.

Jim Rohn says WORRY is a disease of the mind.  And my mind it already compromised right now.

Having taken a week off from my life, things are backing up.  Bills, wash, cooking, etc.  The more I recover, the more the stress is building, the more I'm pushing myself.  Not good.

Ugh ... just need to relax, breathe, prioritize and know it will all work out.

Okay - enough venting.

Some good stuff for today ...

Walk on the treadmill.
Meeting my youngest for lunch (and taking a load back from dorm room ... with help from hubby).
Paying the bills ... clear that priority off of my worry to-do list.
Relaxing, sleeping ... whatever my brain needs.
Oh - and a Starbucks.

Just breathe.