Perfectionism.
Loosening the reigns. Allowing freedom of choices without viewing something as a "less-good" choice.
Viewing "fun" food as a scarcity (meaning I shouldn't eat it) makes it easy to feel like I have to eat it all NOW before I decide I should never have it.
What could this look like ... how would it feel?
You know -- actually being NORMAL. Ugh. This is hard for me.
But seriously, my homework was about finding a way to loosening the tight grip on "perfect" eating without going out of control. Balance. (It's my favorite word.) I have no problem loosening, it's the without-going-out-of-control that's hard. (Back to all-or-nothing problems -- good lord??)
All this energy to this "problem" -- it's exhausting and silly. I need to get this off my brain plate once and for all.
Holly also noticed a commonality in my wording that suggests I don't really believe that this can be fixed. Ding. Ding. Ding. Yep -- that thought runs in the background every time I talk about finding control in a more permanent way.
She said our subconscious will do anything and everything to prove itself right. A belief swirling under the surface can sabotage the best of intentions.
Per Booke Castillo -- ladder my thoughts. It's hard to go from "I can't ever fix this" to rainbows and sunshine and problem solved. She suggested I start a thought with "I'm open to the idea that I can improve."
Sounds a little basic, but she's totally right that I stopped believing I could actually fix my relationship with eating. I've worked this for a lifetime (finding the tools that help) and the last couple of years I've made significant progress (doing the internal thought work) and I HAD it. But I didn't -- AGAIN.
When I talked about having the wrong goal, I was asking whether it could actually be done -- could I stop the yo-yo, all-or-nothing, head negotiations every night about eating -- or was this my cross to bare forever? (Dramatic, but true)
My homework is to notice when I have the defeated thoughts and use a more neutral thought instead. Also, to start working some food rules (like my exercise rules) that keep me protected from getting out of control but allow flexibility -- stop the perfectionism. Allow food based treats regularly. Loosen the grip. I have a couple of weeks to work on a plan (W30 finished August 13).
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Back to other things ...
Massage day! April, work your magic on my back -- thank you!
Hubby is having a tough week with back pain and such. It's left him home all week and hanging on the couch feeling the blues. It's adding to the effort for the week for me to keep my mood above water. We're both a couple of blah folks this week.
I'm almost finished the book club book (Karolina's Twins) and I've guessed the ending. I actually peeked ahead at the final page to see if I was right (bad habit with actual books - hah). That's disappointing. It's tough to follow such a great book (A Gentleman in Moscow). Karolina's Twins isn't horrible and if WW2 stories are your thing, it's a quick read. The WW2 part of the story is compelling but the modern part of the story is unbelievable (I won't give any spoilers). I should finish it today, so next book pick coming. I have one downloaded, but I forget everything about it - hah.
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TOOL is noticing my thoughts. I've been acting the part of blah and I'm sure it's thoughts under the surface -- poor me, etc.
Let's make it a
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