More Fear Rambles

I sound like I'm on death's door and I felt like garbage yesterday afternoon. No hike today. I know I need rest. Funny story -- Oura ring gave a summary of 2024 and said I took 3 naps total for the year. One was the overnight flight, one was during COVID and one when I had the stomach bug. I ended up taking a nap yesterday afternoon -- felt asleep on the sofa. Already have 1 nap logged for 2025. I guess I am sick as much as I'm trying to pretend I'm not.

I'm still holding hope that my deathly cough is just a morning thing and I'll feel better as I clear the junk. We'll let the realtors know and I might sag out of the meeting today. I also might need to cancel lunch tomorrow. I really, really should be on the mend based on timetables and duration for the kids. Fingers crossed as I put on my rose-colored glasses. 

Anyway. 

Garden cleanup went well and was a little sad. I know I need to let go to move forward. It's hard when I'm letting go of something good in the name of something really good. It's that adage do you settle for good, when great is available with some risk attached? The risk being I have no idea if it's really greener over there. 

"What will you do with this one wild and precious life" (Mary Oliver -- slightly misquoted).

I'm trading in good for the hope of something different that's even better for me. I live a careful life and I have no complaints, but lately (probably my age) has me feeling like it's time really go for what's calling to me. Go without overthinking it for 5 years. Trust my gut.

And it feels greedy. Why isn't good, good enough?

I think my lesson (growth) right now is to stop wanting the destination (everything settled and just as I want) and lean into the process (that's where the fun lies). It's cliche, I know, but it's a lesson I don't do well.

I have a real opportunity to create something that's a big change -- not just little incremental steps, but a leap forward. And I'm scared. I get excited and then my mind immediately starts giving me every horrible scenario. But the thought of not moving forward feels horrible too.

Okay, prepare for lots of these kinds of rambles. The unknown (and risk) is highest right now and will dwindle as things move off my plate. BUT, I'm trying not to wish myself to the destination. (I'm kind of wishing myself to halfway though lol.)

I'm reading this book at the recommendation of a hike leader last week. It's timely for deepening friendships, making new friends, and getting to know yourself. I'm about a 1/3 into the book. 

And we begin 2025 in earnest. Later gators.