Still Ups and Downs

I canceled the hotel for Italy.  Of course.  Yet, somehow that made me sad.

The original date for the kids wedding is quickly approaching and that's making me sad too.

Hubby is leaving for VA in 3 weeks -- I'm worried and expecting to be lonely.

Our rescue took 30 dogs from ONE woman yesterday.  Mamas and puppies -- all terrified, not socialized, living outside, HW positive.  This OVER FILLS our rescue.  We didn't take any because I knew they'd be tough and we can't take tough right now.  The entire situation is making me sad -- from all directions.

I was in a "flow" with everything happening and now I'm not.  I'm upset and sad and worried and frustrated.

So many people are "celebrating" the quarantine being "over."  WE are quarantining harder in May because too many people are throwing caution to the wind.  As I'm having this sad phase, people are heading to beaches, renting hotels in vacation towns, going out with friends, going to restaurants, heading to coffee shops with groups of people.  Happy (and stupid).  It feels like their "happy" is stealing from me since I can't loosen the reins when people aren't following the social distancing rules.  My version of loosened reins is grocery store runs once a week and kids over on Sunday.  That feels risky now.

When I get this way, everything becomes SOMETHING in my head.  I need to find my happy place again.

I know this time is going to be full of ups and downs.  I also know I'm heading into a big adjustment in June.  And, I know my big birthday will feel bitter sweet.

Even hubby is happier.  Happy to be going back to work.  Happy he found his birthday gift (nice watch) and he can order it online.  (My birthday ring will be well after my birthday.)  His big Ireland golf trip is rescheduled for 2021 and even better than before.  (All my trips are canceled, not postponed.)  He's happy, while I slump.  (P.S.  I'm glad he's happy, but I wish I was happy with him.)

Yep, a pity party.

I need to do some soul searching to find things that I can move forward with -- I think feeling STOPPED is what feels upsetting.  I can see lots of things that I CAN'T move forward on, but very few things that I can.

Can't plan vacations.
Can't foster for the next month.
Can't find "my new dog."
Can't run.
Can't hike (trails way, way too crowded).
Can't shop for my new birthday ring.
Can't do anything special for my big birthday.
Can't see my family.
Can't travel.
Can't have cleaning crew (my back is a mess).

The CAN list is boring -- things that are part of regular living.  Not anything special or ABOVE what I expect from a regular day.  We've had nothing but regular days and I want something, anything more.  (I AM grateful for what I have and our health and security ... of course.  This is about the missing the "hot diggity" part of life.)

Can do yoga.
Can walk the neighborhood.
Can be outside.
Can read.

Being stuck was fine when everyone was stuck.  In this together.  Working for a solution.  Now lots of people are out having fun, gathering with friends and family, taking trips, being happy.  The contrast is hard.

Enough said.  I'm even bringing myself down ... off to find some HAPPY.  Later gators.