PMS is probably contributing to the BIG reaction I'm having to something that happened.
I had a fun afternoon planned, but rain changed it (which wasn't a surprise). The backup was a FaceTime call, but my friend wasn't in the mood (she wanted to have a "lazy" day). That hurt because I could've used some connection time -- even if it was on a screen. This is a big week leading up to hubby leaving and a fun distraction would've been nice. See ... I need to anchor to INTERNAL stuff now because so much external isn't stable.
I expected this friend knew that (since I mentioned it last week and she also knows me well) and that stung a bit too. We won't have another opportunity for a catch up for a couple of weeks (on her end). Needing a lazy day is one thing, but so lazy that you can't have a phone conversation?? I have a hard time being open and vulnerable in the moment because it hurts if that's not validated. That belief was reinforced again. If I hadn't said anything, I would have been disappointed, but not hurt. Being vulnerable left me feeling both. My go-to reaction is a strong pull back -- and that's what I'm doing. Protection mechanism.
I know she had every right to do what she needed, etc, etc. I get it. Logically. I don't get it feelings wise though. It was a small thing that meant a lot to me -- and I told her that. I know that maybe she forgot, or was having her own hard day, or I wasn't as clear as I thought I was AND I'm very reactive this week. I get it all. But it still hurts. I'm still pulling back.
I'm reacting hard because it's hard for me to ask for attention when I'm hurting. I did and it wasn't received -- from someone I trust with my feelings. It stings.
Now for a SWITCH ..
I have had some GOOD this week and I need to focus on that.
Two really great calls with out-of-town friends the day before. Spontaneous and we laughed a lot. A text conversation from an old work buddy and that was awesome too.
FINALLY finishing the revised estate planning documents today. It was the last of the 2019 list and it's happening (!!) Motivates me to figure some sort of 2020 list since writing things down has some sort of MAGIC attached to it (even though it took an extra 6 months LOL).
We're applying for a senior dog through my rescue. After lots of thought and lots of back-n-forth, I want to go back to my original plan I've had for years. Adopt sweet oldies. We have the means and the time to love these dogs. Can't think of a better way to honor our Parker. Having Duke, who's only 4, distracted me from seniors because I wondered if he needed an energetic companion. We've tried to find that for him but he's too competitive. We think fosters can give him the fun and a senior can be his family.
The caveat? This old man has only been in foster homes with no other dogs. We don't know if he needs to be an only or not. I'm trying super hard not to get my hopes up. And thanks to Perry, I'm oscillating between excitement and oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing.
He's 10 years old, black poodle mix who needed to be shaved. 12 lbs. Bad eyes, bad heart, bad skin and someone tried to dock his ears with rubber bands so he they're deformed (but he hears well). Housebroken, loves to cuddle, loves to car ride, loves to walk. Sleeps in the bed without a problem. Downside ... he HATES to be alone. Wails and goes crazy in a crate. His foster name is Rusty -- we'll change it if we adopt him.
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I'll end on his sweet face ...
Stay well. Later gators.
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