This is a day with nothing scheduled -- nothing!!!! I don't need to answer to the clock at all. I don't even need to speak a word if I don't want. Home alone too. I slept in a bit, slow-rolling the morning.
Today COULD have been filled to the rim with people and commitments and I took SPACE and declined the invites. Nothing was appealing and I listening to that feeling. I'm very thankful I hadn't already said yes.
It's all things PLANTS and GARDEN today.
But first,
Journaling
Coffee and tea -- in the most leisurely way
Short Peloton ride
Long FS meditation
Eeeekk ... it feels so relaxing that I'm all pumped and excited.
I have some chores to do, but most will wait until tomorrow.
Anyway ... yesterday was very nice.
9 mile hike with Duke -- perfect weather. We were both tired in a good way.
Had an excellent afternoon with friends. We talked all things garden and painted rocks. It was so lovely. Both women are nice and the conversation was easy and interesting.
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| My rocks. |
Oh, here are the rocks from my family at the bottom of the picture.
Spraying the rocks from yesterday -- picture to come.
I don't know if I should even go into this today -- my day of SPACE. Let's see if I can keep it short (and actually make sense).
I've been bothered by that spicy "friendship" again. It's kind of rearing its head -- big part of why I decided not to hike with the group today.
I had to scroll through our texts to find something she recommended awhile back (for another friend) and I saw our chatter. How friendly it was. How fun it was. As I scrolled forward the change in the responses is striking. I'm not imagining that things are off or imagining how she's changed her tune.
This was in contrast to bookclub and yesterday's conversation. Easy, kind, fun, interesting.
Why is this bothering me so much? My guess is that I need to make a hard decision and I'm struggling to do it. I'm not sure exactly what that decision is though. I want to stay connected to the rest of the group and she's a big part of that group. How can I distance from her AND stay connected to them? Or how can I not care about her snark and jabs and just focus on the others? Or do I need to let the entire group go? I don't want that to be the answer. But something IS the answer and I'm flighting it and that's why it's bothering me so.
Why do I care? I think it's because it felt good at one point and I'm forever chasing that now. She can be a lot of fun, although lately she's seriously hating on me.
I'm so temped to reach out to her to try and repair things -- hey, let's go to lunch. That's old me. That's allowing her game to work. She hasn't made one effort to reach out to me. Connect with me. She ignores most of my texts and when she answers, it's with attitude.
But, her attitude with me won't go away unless I do that -- that's the rule of her snark. That's why things have been bad for this long with us again because I'm not giving her the "make up" she wants. When she gets mean (and game playing) with anyone, it lasts until that person offers her submission and some sort of butt kissing. This I refuse to do anymore -- because I never did anything in the first place.
Does this sound nuts? Anyone reading this from the outside would say it's obvious.
Y'all aren't friends.
She's not someone to have in your life.
Focus on good relationships. Let her flit and do her game playing -- stay away. But when the group gathers, it's always with her too. And, she can be mean -- everyone else seems to cower to her when she gets that way. How does that make the group time enjoyable?
Okay, I've spend enough time on this problem that I don't feel I have a solution. It's not her that I want, it's the group and I can't really have the group without her. I guess that's the dilemma. Can I have my cake and eat it too or do I need to make a hard choice?
UGH!!!!! Why can't I figure it out??????
Off to enjoy this unicorn day. Hope you do the same. Later gators.
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