Clinging TOO Hard

When I find any bit of fun or excitement or pleasure during this pandemic, I cling HARD ... like it's saving me.

Then, if that THING doesn't happen, I fall equally as hard.  This keeps happening.

My girlfriend and I were set to get together for a park chat tomorrow -- talking all things Enneagram.  I have the books ready to read her a few things, etc.  She took the test last weekend.  I didn't hold a lot of hope this would happen at first because she has her first move on Saturday.  But she scheduled and confirmed and I got excited.  

Last night she canceled.  The closing was pushed up.  I get it.  I totally understand AND I'm totally bummed beyond measure.  This was my FUN this week.  Chatting Enneagram.  Like a book club meeting.  Hubby is golfing and that was great since I had my fun too.  Now I'm envious and feeling alone again.

The reason I say that I'm clinging TOO hard is that this week is still good enough.  I chatted with a good friend for a couple of hours yesterday, taking the dogs to the lake today, kids over this weekend.  It's a big week.  It's a fun week.

BUT, I clung to the excitement of chatting Enneagram and doing some girl stuff as MY PLEASURE.  I need to stop.  The rollercoaster of emotion is too much.

On a better note, I found a fun thing to do virtually.  I wish I could do it with some gal pals, but it's going to be just me.  My life coach has a client who entered the circle of Instagram "fame" and is doing some fun things.  She reads Tarot cards over zoom.  My coach knows her and had fun doing it -- she talked about it on Instagram last year.  Anyway, she "advertised" the reading again and I thought -- why not?!?  This could be fun and a little social.  It's all interesting, but not life altering ... if you know what I mean.  I don't take it too seriously.  

I need to dig DEEP, look WAY WAY outside the box to find things that put icing on my cake.  The big important things are good (thankfully and fortunately), but the little cherries on top are missing.  Life gets boring after this long without FUN and lite-hearted joy.  Obviously the big things carry more weight, but the little things are important too as time stretches out.

THIS is what I'm trying to work on too.  If I had more than one little joy each week, maybe I wouldn't cling so hard.  I need to joy to be something I'm in control of too.  

I'm also up against a big boundary with my mother.  She came to play and is rolling out all the stops.  I don't know what to do and this is exactly what I don't need right now.  

Eeeekk -- when will all this tension and angst end?!?  I know we're all experiencing SOMETHING and some way more than me.  Hang on.  Nothing lasts forever.

Stay well.  Later gators.