Me (again)

Sitting here alone (yea) this morning got me thinking about this funk I'm in.  I had a thought -- so maybe writing it down will help clarify it.

I was admiring my manicure (love my american at my usual salon, with my favorite nail tech) and I lamented how the crack in my thumb nail was back.  For awhile, the collagen peptides seemed to have fixed it.

That started me thinking.

Nail crack is back (sounds dirty lol).
My new muscles didn't give me the look I'd hoped and worked for -- for months.
I'm new hair color is no different.  I've been trying to go blonde and I'm STILL brown with blonde highlights.  Why can't this change??  Why is this so hard??  Simple, yet apparently impossible.
My alone time to think, study, relax has been gone since December as I'm back to playing the role of mom everyday.  Cleaning, grocery store, cooking ... most of my day is spent for everyone else.

I'm on this hiatus from work with the thought to improve myself, change me, grow me, work on me and I worked HARD to make this new me.

Sitting here today, I feel no real improvement, no real change.  I've gone backwards.  And it has me bummed out.  And it's almost time to start thinking about heading back to work.

This is my funk.  This is why I feel like throwing in the towel.

Take this weekend.  Fun, yes.  Lots of family time, yes -- and it's wonderful.  But aside from my workout today, everything else I do this weekend is for someone else.  I lost ME again.  If I were alone this weekend it would look a lot different -- I have so many things I want to do for ME.  A whole list of a different kind of fun -- all about ME.  Stuff waiting in the wings that I can't get to because I'll spend most of the day doing for everyone else.

I sound ungrateful and spoiled.  I know.  I adore my family and I love doing for them.  But I need me too.  Me is missing.

To add insult to injury, the bridge collapse means hubby working from home A LOT and me needing to drive him to public transportation A LOT.  Just more interruption to my plans and my day and my time for myself.

Yes, this is definitely my funk.

Now what to do about it?  I don't have a whole lot of answers.  But identifying the problem is the first step.