I had a coming-to-Jesus revelation after meditation yesterday.
It's hard.
It's also sad.
It's not what I want.
But I know it's true.
It's a lesson on repeat that's sneaky. It disguises itself and I can't "see" it until it's played out ... until I'm filled with so much angst and heartbreak and self-doubt.
A little dramatic this morning, you ask?!?
Maybe.
Here's the scoop:
I'm hitching my wagon to the wrong person again. There's a "friendship" that burned hard and fast. It seemed perfect on paper. She pursued me. Very fun honeymoon period.
To my credit, I identified some issues from the start and thought I was being cautious enough. I thought I could manage it. Have my cake and eat it too. "She's like this, but not with me."
Nope.
It's wrong for me. She's wrong for me. Everything is SCREAMING this is so. And I'm over here trying to work it out. Putting energy, time, heart into making it be something it isn't.
It was a tempting relationship. She introduced me to many people. She has a pull and a power. When she's using it for good, she's a delight. But it's not always for good.
The truth is I don't think she's a particularly nice person. I think she lies and exaggerates and talks behind people's backs. I think she's competitive to a fault. I think this hides insecurities.
And, she's fun. She's up for doing a lot. When she's good, she's really good. When she's happy, she's generous and full of fun energy. She's smart and resourceful. I love spending time with this side. I wanted to be a bosom buddy, a bff. But the truth is, deep down, I knew from the start where this was headed and I ignored it because I didn't want it to be true.
I can't handle the dichotomy. This is a ME problem. The negative clouds her for me (probably because it hits so many trigger points). Conversations and interactions leave me feeling the ick lately.
Here's the good news ... I see it and am taking action. Even though it's sad and I don't want to give up this dream of our relationship (it's so perfect on paper).
I'm facing the truth (far earlier this time) that the friendship was NEVER what I wanted it to be. It was just a honeymoon illusion. We moved into the reality and it's not okay.
What to do??
I'm backing up. Going back to a cautious, casual relationship. Monitoring what I share, what I say, what I do. I can have fun with her. We can coexist in overlapping social groups. I can see her behavior and be understanding that she's probably hurting underneath it all. But I will have my quiet boundaries up.
Remember when I said she pursued me? Tides turned (as they do in this kind of thing). Lately, I've been the one pursuing, trying to get us back to the "us" we were. The "us" that never really was.
I won't go much further into the weeds on the specifics, but this is a playbook I run regularly. And, honestly, looking at it from another vantage point, I can't believe it took me this long.
Maybe I'm FINALLY learning the lesson. I'm at least learning it earlier.
These personalities are so tempting to me. The fun. The energy. The honeymoon time. It's so good.
(BTW, I'm not saying she's a bad person. It seems like I am when I read this back. She's a person that's not for me. The prickly parts come from hurt and insecurity. It's a coping mechanism. It makes her lash out and say things and do things that aren't kind. It's something that disproportionally bothers me because of MY issues.)
The truth is the people I want to know, that never give an ick, burn more slowly. Friendship takes more time. The fun factor is dimmer. The energy is quieter. The build is careful and cautious.
I knew this decision was coming. Once I made it, it felt like the truth and my body literally relaxed and I let out a deep breath I'd been holding. It's a challenge to execute it, let go, not repeat my pattern.
Foreshadowing from yesterday. Could it be any more obvious hah?!? Messages everywhere. "You know what you want, what you need to do." Me with my fingers in my ears, not listening.
I executed some of this yesterday. Put my energy into people that I haven't been giving as much to lately.
Asked a friend to dinner.
Asked a friend to hike.
Last week, I would've asked her to both instead.
The regret that lingered in the past, when I FINALLY got it, FINALLY let go, was the time and energy I wasted that could've been given elsewhere. To people. To myself.
I've rambled on and on. This is like a therapy session today. I know why this happens to me (spoiler alert: childhood) and I'm glad I'm breaking the pattern. I can't explain the relief it brings.
I can hold both.
The disappointment.
The truth.
Phew. Hope you're set for a good week. Thanks for listening. Later gators.
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