The Decision

Okay, Future Self conversation.  I'm not sure if I even want to write about it, but also, why not.  And this isn't anything big, just same old stuff with another twist.

When I decided to switch workouts to the morning (30 years ago), I decided and then the next week did absolutely NO morning workouts.  Set an alarm.  Snoozed and had to workout after work -- worst of both worlds.  I HATED that period -- when I "decided" but then didn't do it AT ALL.  THAT discomfort was enough to make the change. I've never looked back.  Morning workouts rock :)

When I gave up soda (26 years ago), I decided I needed to stop (I was drinking it all day, nothing else) and then I had the biggest soda binge ever.  What happened to The Decision?  And this was after trying to cut down, moderate for YEARS.  Then I thought I was getting a neurological problem from the aspartame (spoiler alert -- it was the increased caffeine from the binge) and I gave it up for good.  I've also never looked back.

When I decided that I'm only an occasional drinker (like once or twice a year for extra, extra special, specific things), I started drinking almost daily during that decision (about 2 weeks).  What the hell?!?  This was after a couple of years of experimenting, being curious, figuring it out.  I didn't rush anything.  It was careful and informed AND I started drinking at that final mark of saying goodbye to it.  Started drinking when I HADN'T BEEN DRINKING for months and month.  Then I really stopped.

I think this is where I am right now with food choices.  I KNOW what makes me feel better ... and I mean a lot better.  Probably related to hormones, but it doesn't matter.  I know.  I really know.  So I decided I'm finished flitting around.  Time to stop doing what I know hurts and do what I know helps.  And, it's not awful.  I love what I can eat.  This isn't a diet, it's not arbitrary rules.  Walk the walk.  (I judge people HARD for this very kind of thing in THEIR lives -- key word is "their," easy for me to sit on my throne.)

I decided.  And then I acted the fool and threw it out the window.  Hello, snacks, sugar, junk food ... not even enjoying it.  Paid the price mentally, physically, energetically.  Did it again ... for the last 5 nights.  I actually DID NOT LIKE how it tasted in the moment, yet I ate all evening.  Is this crazy or what?!?!  

But then I remembered all these other decisions and the pattern they followed.  Then I got excited.  Maybe this is the final sputtering death of this crappy habit.  Maybe this IS THE DECISION finally winning.  Doesn't make it easy all the time, but makes it an actual decision.  An actual identity.  

Hello, Future Me.  You've arrived.  I've waited a very long time for this moment.  I'm focusing on the excitement.  This is my pattern.  I'm confident and not confident.  Was I like this for the decisions before?  I think so.  It's harder to remember for the older ones -- the ones that have proven themselves to be lasting.

I have an almost desperate worry that this isn't the end.  I know it's up to me.  It feels different this time -- scarier and maybe that means it's really The Decision.  I still have to do the work, but the negotiation ends.  When negotiations stop, the real work happens.

Thanks for reading this rambling.  I'm trying to focus on being excited and picturing what my world looks like after this decision.  I've had moments to experience it and it's as good as I imagined.  It's hard, but as Tim Ferris says ... what if it were easy?  Something to think about.

Later gators.