I made a BIG, HUGE, EPIC decision the other day (November 1 to be exact) and I wrote it in The Facts of Life Book. (That wasn't the thing I forgot, that thought is still lost in the gray matter somewhere LOL.)
I almost didn't do it. I almost wrote it in pencil. I almost bought a new book.
I told no one.
I'm worried I'll fail.
I'm worried I'll be judged.
That day I practically had a crazy panic attack ... it's in WRITING. It's FOREVER. If I don't live up to this promise to myself, I need to rip out this page.
Maybe I need to continue this on a trial basis - not forever, not yet.
I know the decision is right. I know the decision is HARD. I also know that if I don't put it in the book, write it in pen, tell people, make it final -- it's not a real decision.
Ready?!?!
I'm NOT a person who eats SWEETS. I'm freeing myself from sweets and freeing myself from all the mental energy deciding to eat or not to eat and all the physical side-effects too. I don't eat sweets, period.
Remember I was on that 7 month trial of no desserts? First Whole30 in June and then extension through PHB. Well, CONFESSION ... I've been cheating. Not a lot. Not with everything. Not until recently. Every time I eat desserts, I feel like crap. It always sends me pantry surfing and, lately, to wine drinking. Following the sugar wave all the way to shore. I talked myself into TYRING to MODERATE again ... just a little, just sometimes.
Recently, every where I turn is a story or a person who gave up sugar (for me that means desserts, not added sugar in bbq sauce - for example). Even if the topic isn't giving-up-sugar, there is a mention of how they did and it changed their lives for the better. I feel like this message is here slapping me in the face.
This is exactly the progression I had before I gave up diet soda almost 20 years ago. I couldn't moderate soda and I drank it from the time I woke up until bed and drank it pretty much exclusively. Other than water when I worked out, it was soda all day long.
When I gave it up, it was HARD (and it took years). I've said before, this is before water bottles were available everywhere and before sparkling water was a THING. Choices at an event were what type of soda do you want or here's a cup for the sink water. My cravings were STRONG for months.
I flitted around with the soda decision for years. It wasn't until I really DECIDED that it finally stuck. I loved that I decided and I hated that I decided -- both immediately.
This is how I feel about desserts. Got to go for real. The story is long about how I got to this point. This isn't a spur-of-the-moment, join the crowd decision. It's something I've labored over since my first Whole30 (maybe 4 years ago?).
I caught myself not wanting to tell ANYONE because then it's real. Then I can't cheat, I can't fail, I can't change my mind.
When I picture my life in 1 year or 5 years or 10 years without sweets and everything that means to me, it feels great. It feels so right that I can't even stand how excited I feel. But when I picture TODAY, this moment without sweets, I panic a little. I still doubt myself on some level.
It's in the book. It's in writing. Starting today, I'm telling people. It's real. Excuse me while I go have another panic attack. I'm trying hard not to delete this post hahahaha!!
P.S. Important to note, this is about ME, not about anyone else. Other people don't have my issues with soda or sweets. Nothing wrong with a piece of cake washed down with a diet coke. Sadly, it's my kryptonite. Total non-judgement. I'm not getting on a found-Jesus-soap-box to preach the ills of sugar. I think desserts are fine, but not fine for me. I WISH like crazy this wasn't the case and I've tried hard to find another way. 4 years later, only one option left for ME.
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