Heaviness

No closer on the court report -- worked all afternoon to find out EVERYTHING changed and it needs to be redone. And the changes for the family are upsetting to me. I have a meeting this afternoon with my supervisor and will start again.

We got a date for our friend's services -- not until summer. Phew. We have so many weekends that are obligated to things that would be difficult to change because they involve other people and travel plans. This is a conflict with a volunteer event, but that's okay. I was worried the service would be one of two weekends that we wouldn't change our plans.

This is a heavy week. So much sadness -- of course, the shit show from our government and the hate it spurs, but also personal. The volunteer position and the family crisis is upsetting and heartbreaking. I've worked with them for over 2 years. Our friend passing and his family in such grief is awful.

I don't have much on the calendar the rest of the week because we had planned to go to Asheville initially. I'm keeping it this way. I need space and time alone. Sometimes you need time with people to lift you up, but right now people and THEIR complaints, etc are irritating to me. 

What I need is a good, hard cry, but it's not coming yet. Emotions about lots of things are piling on and eventually I'll hit a tipping point -- probably during meditation some morning. 

I have home stuff to work on and that's the agenda for the next couple of days. Postcards to write for campaigns. Court report to write. Grow room fixes (lord help me). I'll add some nature and reading and fun too.

I'm going to do whatever I can to hold no early or late obligations. That didn't happen yesterday. I made an early appointment (dumb) and I had a late call for volunteering. Why do I do this to myself?

I think my hormones are off too. My estrogen was cut in half and hot flashes are back -- fun times. I feel off and a little light headed at times too. 

I hope you have a good day and I'll take one too. Later gators.

Shifting ...

Not surprisingly, and much to my relief, my friend backed out just before we were meeting. 

I think it was the right decision. Yesterday would've been too much for them.

Of course, I wish the flip-flop never happened, but it's completely understandable. 

I ended up going with one friend after all (the other already made different plans). 

I seriously considered if this was just a doomed effort and I should call it for this year's bloom.

But we went and it was a nice day and a pretty nature walk. (Choose the bigger life.) We haven't had rain for quite a bit and the flowers seemed a bit less vibrant, but it was still a beautiful show. 

Someone put rocks on the stump.

Spring colors growing
on dust on a granite slab

Grandpa's Beard

View from the top.
All shades of green in the
trees surrounding.

Nature landscaped

Diamorpha in bloom.
That SHOULD be a puddle
of water.

We shifted our trip to Asheville to next week. I already have plans setup. That helps the timing right now. I have a lot to do with the volunteer position this week and so much to do here overall (looking at you, grow room). 

My day is open to hike with the Tuesday hiking group after all, and I'm choosing not to -- that says something to me. I want to use the time to work on the court report, BUT in the past I would've made the time for both. I haven't hiked with the group in almost 4 months. Crazy. And interesting that I don't have an interest. I won't be able to hike next week because we're heading to Asheville. The lunch is right up the hill (5 minute walk) and I'm not joining for that either. Maybe the decision is making itself -- not sure, but it seems like that's where it's heading. 

Since I'm not hiking I was able to get a last minute appointment this morning for my 11s -- it's been a long time and I kind of forgot about it. Noticed them in the mirror -- oh boy. 

The rest of the day is working on volunteering and the court report. I have A LOT. It's always a spin up before a court date and this is another big one. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators.

Sad, Hard Day Ahead

This is a hard day.

I'm going on a mountain walk to see succulents that bloom for a short time on granite formations. This is my 3rd year. 

My friend who lost her husband was coming. I never expected she'd still want to go. She texted yesterday and asked if she and her daughters could come. Of course, yes. She said she wants to see me and get out of the house. 

I canceled with the other 2 friends and they completely understood. 

This will be hard today. I don't know what to say. How to behave. What they need. 

A distraction?

To talk?

To cry?

Maybe all of the above?

I'll take the cues from them, but there is such a responsibility to be with people in the most acute time of their grief. 

And, I know this doesn't matter, but I have a hard time crying in front of people. I expect they expect I will cry when I see them. Maybe I will. I hope I will, a little. I feel sad enough to cry, but often don't in this kind of situation. The exception is the funeral -- if there's music, I will absolute cry. If it's certain music, I will work hard to not sob.

I've cried a bit since he died, and I actually wish for a good cry at some point (by myself) to process some of the sadness and shock. I think they'll think that I'm not sad enough if I don't cry, but that's not true. I have so much sadness and it's stuck deep inside for now.

I hardly slept. I have a stomach ache. I want to be a help. I want to give them whatever it is they're looking for today and why they decided to come.

Years ago I had a friend who lost her husband and I never cried in front of her, but cried often for her and her daughters. And, I was a friend that was there for her more than any other (she told me this years later). Late night help. Companionship. Christmas shopping. Driving. Cleaning out the garage. Anything she needed, for years. 

I'm deeply honored that my friend wants to be with me today. I hope I live up to our friendship in a way she needs.

I'm okay however they show up. They can cry the entire time. Or laugh. Or walk in silence. Talk about their father and husband. Not talk about him. 

Their emotions are okay and I know how to sit with them.

I don't know how they want me to show up though.

Am I being too carefree?

Am I being too sad and down?

Am I talking about him too much, too little?

And I know they don't even know -- it will change on a dime and each person will need/have a different experience. I hope they're open to hugs. I often think holding someone physically is such a powerful emotional support (unless they don't like to be touched). 

Goodness. I said a deep prayer last night to please let me show up well. And I also asked that the mountain shows up too -- nature is healing and beautiful. It's as powerful as a hug and I want them to feel it. My friend is deeply connected to nature and I hope this experience makes her feel held. She's never seen the blooms or this mountain. It won't hold a memory for her. It can be a little glimmer that life moves forward. It can also make her feel connected to something bigger and connected to his spirit. 

Thanks for listening this morning. 

WHAT A DAY (!!)

What a day! 

I couldn't have asked for anything better. 

HUGE turnout.

Energy through the roof.

Community.

Kindness. 

What a lift for our spirits. 

I met wonderful people. A Muslim mother and her daughters on the way to a festival stopped to protest. We exchanged numbers and her story is beautiful. Almost 90 year old women who needed a bit of medical TLC at the end. Said they haven't been able to attend a NK protest because there wasn't a local one. They stayed the entire time. And so many more stories ...

Every kind of diversity. And every kind of kindness to each other.

THIS is the country I want. I could cry thinking about the goodness that showed up.

Semi-trucks coordinating their air horns at the light to join the chant beat. 

People cheering and clapping from car windows. 

So many happy car horns.

(Very, very few angry cars.)

The clever signs. And costumes. 

The little kids with their parents.

Teenagers fully engaged.

Seniors.

Dogs with signs. 

Wheelchairs.

Walkers.

Leg casts.

People who were heading to another protest.

People who didn't know, drove by, stopped, and JOINED.

They all came.

I brought one sign and shared it with an older woman with mobility issues. Helped her set up and she wanted the sign. She stayed the entire time too. She came by herself, brought a new walker so it had a chair seat and apologized for not having a sign. Seriously?? This is the kind of people who showed up in droves. The efforts they made to be there in person.

The protest hadn't even started.
And she was there and ready.
An hour early.

I want to hold onto this feeling. Why can't THIS be how we gather? 

Maybe we should dare to dream it so and then take ACTION to make it so.

I hope you experienced this feeling of community and collective love too -- wherever and however you were able to show up.

Later gators.

Protest Day!!!

I had a really good "people" day yesterday.

Friday's standing meeting was a big group, high energy, lots of good news. THAT is what the anticipation of today's protest brought (literally) to the table. The owner of the coffee house said, I've never heard you all laugh so much. We startled the little baby who's often there with his mom and grandma with the outbursts of collective laughter (oops).

Table number -- it was a sign :)

The energy is high for today.

Lunch with a bookclub friend was amazing. She's a wonderful person to talk with -- we hung out all afternoon. Lovely day. 

Restaurant is Peruvian and the owner couldn't be nicer. We got a bunch of taste tests of all the homemade items. Everything is GF and dairy-free. 

My friend who lost her husband texted me and might want to still come on the nature walk Monday. It's a maybe for her and I told her I can accommodate anyway she wants -- including postponing with the others in the group. I don't think it will happen, but I hope this means she'll work to keep her head above water as she heads to the deepest parts of grief yet to come. She's in shock and I'm sure it hasn't completely set in. It's a small respite and relief to have little bits of "normal." 

Oh -- today is my eldest and DIL's 5 year anniversary. Amazing. 

Okay, I debated going into this today, but here it goes. It's a mood ... a rant ... a something. So if you want to leave on the high notes above, feel free.

Remember the little drama of who from the hiking group was going where for the protests today? "That" person decided to go local because she can walk to the protest site. I was surprised, because, as I said, the downtown one is more interesting, etc. She singled out names to park at her house (not me). She lives on the other side of town, considerably closer to the protest than I am -- no offer to me.

I'm going local because of specific reasons -- would totally prefer to head downtown for the bigger event.

There was no chatter on the main group text about today. Still stuff about politics and hiking, etc, but nothing about logistics. So I texted another person in the group and asked where she was headed today. 

Downtown. The entire group changed their minds again (as I think they should -- as I would have in their shoes).

But ... SHE never told me plans had changed. She thinks I'm heading up expecting to see people from our hiking group. I would've looked for them. They've apparently started a separate text thread (I'd bet money that's she's the one who did). I also know that the people in the group would expect she would've told me. I also imagine (from past experience of what she's done with others) that she would've intimated that I knew.

I trust my gut on this. This IS game play, power play, whatever you want to call it. 

I'd like to be friends with the other women in the group, but she's going to make it difficult. People like this have a superpower to be able to ride in the uncomfortable as long as necessary. They play chicken and often win. They continue to escalate until they get what they want. We're in that escalation phase right now.

I need to decide if the other women are worth my level of uncomfortable.

Because this occupies TOO MUCH of my thoughts. 

I had a great day yesterday, and THIS is what my mind is focusing on.

Now, that said, my superpower (given to me by dealing with my mother) is I know how to NOT give her what she wants. 

A reaction of any sort.

Letting her know something landed. 

That I give 2 shits about it. 

A gray stone ... as is the new term. 

This conflict brings out sides of me that I don't like -- either I want win at her game OR I want to fix this in a way that doesn't stay true to myself. 

Ugh. It's tough. It's much easier to walk away, but I wonder if my lesson is how to navigate this in another way. Can I stand up for myself and NOT care about her reaction? Can I disengage from the game play (it's not really a game if I don't play too, right)?

Outwardly, that's what I'm doing today. It's the internal bits I need to work on.

I'm talking about this now, but I'm deciding to not give it any more energy today. Thoughts pop up and I won't engage them. Force my focus on people that matter to me. Shift my energy. Easy to say, hard to do.

Practice THIS. Maybe that's the way to REALLY not care, not just pretend to not care. 

So that ends my rant. I won't guarantee it won't happen again, but I WILL continue to practice not giving it focus or energy for too long.

Quick picture of the fungus (I think it's a fungus) that looks like barf -- found it on a walk yesterday. Fascinating.

I'm excited about the protest. Great weather. Good people. Collective energy. 

Let's have a safe day as we stand up!!!!!!!

Later gators. 

A Few Updates

What a sad way to be reminded to LIVE life. When someone is taken too young, too soon, we owe something to their passing -- it should shift us, remind us, affect us. 

Every time we've had losses like this, we've made changes. and we will this time too. 

Probably about my relationship with my husband. Nothing is wrong, but we've been taking time for granted and we need to focus on us as a couple more. Living parallel lives, not prioritizing our time, feeling like we HAVE time. 

My heart is broken for my friend and her daughters. And we lost a friend too.

Here's a few little recaps from the last couple of days.

Added another rock. Ran into a neighborhood woman (we see each other on occasion) while I was placing it. She and her grandsons are going to add to the snake too.

My across-the-street neighbor paints and she's going to come over to do a rock too. The snakes are growing (!!)

Shopped the rock quarry for another batch of snake rocks and some smaller ones. It's a best value of the year winner -- HUGE bag for $6. Rocks are washed and dried and ready to paint. Had to dry them inside because we're in the THICK of YELLOW pollen season. It covers everything in minutes. 

Made this sign. I can't carry signs on Saturday because I'm marshaling the event, but I made another one anyway -- there will be more protests. Modeled after the sign I saw in Asheville.

Today is a people day. 

Standing Friday meeting followed by lunch with a bookclub friend. She's a life coach and we've talked about getting together to chat all things life coaching. She's a first person I've met in the wild who uses life coaching AND she became one. So interesting. I'm looking forward to hearing her story. We knew each other for about 6 months before I asked about her job -- I thought she worked at the university with the woman who brought her into the group. Imagine the surprise ...

I need a people day. 

I spent time on the phone with friends talking about our friend and this horrible loss, but a distraction and face-to-face time with good people feels very welcomed today.

Hope you have a good day. Later gators. 

Very Sad Day

We had horrible news yesterday. 

A good friend died suddenly. 

This was the husband of my friend who came over to paint rocks. We were suppose to go on a hike Monday. She invited me to the Botanical Gardens yesterday, but I couldn't go. 

The friend who joined for all of this too called me. They were at the gardens when the call came (her daughter found him). Hour of traffic to get home. They had to wait outside for the entire afternoon while the authorities did an investigation. 

My husband considers him a close friend. They get together almost every week. We've traveled with them and had plans to do more.

He was one of the good guys. He was the only husband of a friend who I considered an actual friend too. We have a strong connection to another friend who we knew at different times -- absolutely crazy.

Funny, kind, great conversationalist, upbeat -- everyone loved him. No exaggeration. 

When they say only the good die young -- this is that. 

He will be so missed and we are heartbroken for my friend and her daughters. 

I'll leave it at that today. 

Godspeed, my friend. 

Hang On, Little Ones

And then there was one ...

I trough planted 3 tomato plants, but only one survived the night.

Two were flopped over and wilted when I took the cover off.

Most of potted ones seem okay so far -- a few are pretty sad looking though.

Geez.

Duke and I went for a walk yesterday and saw this flowering tree. The micro branches on the trunk have bloomed too. Little pops of color.

Volunteering was great. This community and the school are full of amazing people. If the a*#holes who hate "others" would just SEE people ... I really hate the extremist Christians. Not MY God. Not my Christianity. Not Jesus' either.

Today begins the more chill part of the week. Still things to do, still a schedule, but SPACE. Not a lot, but enough. 

As always, a reminder to use the time for GOOD (not sofa slugging with a bowl of junk food -- which happens way too often). I'm still practicing on how to relax in better ways. 

Short and sweet this morning ... except for my little hate on the haters. 

Have a good day.

Later gators.

Leggy -- What to do??

I may have screwed up the grow room -- probably, actually. Eeeek.

I planted too early and the tomatoes grew too fast -- they're leggy and weak. In order to accommodate their big growth, I had to raise the light which, in turn, has made some other plants reach up and get leggy. I didn't realize how bad it was because they were supporting each other and they looked full. I took a pot out to assess the roots and the tomato flopped over at the soil level immediately. Ouch.

The first year I seeded, I traveled for a couple of weeks so I delayed the recommended seeding time by a about a month. This year I didn't, seeded when I "should," and now I'm a few weeks from outdoor planting and in a pickle. 

In researching, I also learned I should've slowed down the growth of the tomatoes by lowering the temperature of the heating pad once they germinated. Now I know. Oh -- and cherry tomato plants are extra fast growers.

Geez.

What to do?? Lordy, I hope Mother Nature is forgiving and the plants can adapt. 

I repotted some of the tomatoes in deeper pots (tossed a few that were very weak), and trenched planted a few outside (covering at night) to see if they'll take. I'm hardening the tomatoes this week. Once I can get them in the ground, I can plant deeper and solve the issue. The problem is I'm technically 3 weeks out and I don't have pots deep enough. I might be able to move the outdoor planting up a week or so. 

Staked and waiting to go back
outside in a few hours.

They're getting a few hours outside when temps are over 55 and I have 2 new lights for inside dedicated to just the tomatoes.

I also added a fan to the grow room to help the other plants get sturdier. Come on little peppers. 

Live and ALWAYS continue to learn -- extra true for gardeners. It's so easy to make a mistake. I don't have a natural green thumb. It's trial and TONS of error for me and my little garden.

Anyway ... that was most of yesterday. Potting, fixing, hoping. I was tired and dirty by the evening so I watched the City Council meeting remotely instead of going. So glad I did -- I sagged out after 90 minutes when it was only agenda item 3 of 9. I wonder if they tabled some of the items due to time. 

I'm volunteering all day today and have a virtual meeting at 7:30 tonight. I'm pleased being in groups with age diversity, but that means people work, have young kids, and their availability is later ... after dinner, homework, sports, etc. Dang. Another flanked day -- early and late. 

The good news is this is the last of the evening stuff this week. I'm invited to a sign making party on Thursday, but it's at 7 o'clock and it's a nope for me. I have 3 signs, making a couple more at home, AND won't be carrying any of them to this protest since I'm marshaling (hence the meeting tonight). Many reasons to not go, but I love being invited. If this were earlier, I would've gone (even 5 o'clock would be okay) to enjoy being in community with friends, but the host is a night owl and it's too late for me hah!

Have a good day. I need to remind myself today is Tuesday. It feels like a Monday for sure. Later gators.

Love Signs in Asheville

Asheville signs on our walk yesterday. Not ONE hate sign. 

I love that they kept this up!

Respecting all creatures

My favorite.

I had a really good day with family. I'm glad I made the time. 

I'm also glad I did it a bit on my own terms. 

Heading home this morning. 

It's Monday and time to plan this week ahead. I have a few spaces in the week and I'm keeping them free to do something unscheduled and for myself. Remembering is half my battle lol.

Today and tomorrow are the fullest days, but then the week opens up.

Have a good start to the week too. Later gators.

We Made It

The drive to Asheville was uneventful. Duke and I stopped for a little doggie break and a car picnic (hiking sammie), and made it here in good time. Why the worry?? I still think it's hormones. 

It was a good choice to stay back last night. My sister called at 8:30 -- they'd just finished up dinner. Duke would've been upset being here alone and I was already tucked in bed when she called. 

This isn't a usual trip to Asheville -- I might not get even ONE stop at the teahouse {*clutches pearls*}. A first in FIVE YEARS (!!)  This is a visit with my aunt and uncle that happens to be in Asheville. My uncle is recovering from 2 strokes and he doesn't have stamina to walk or do much without a rest. Add my dog home alone to the mix, and that gobbles up a lot of time.

I'm very lucky to have my aunts and uncles -- I'm close to all of them. More than half are in their 80s now and I know we have limited time to be together. As much as this weekend's timing wasn't good, I'm glad I came. These memories are important. And they're an inspiration on how to age and how to hold a close family.

Duke and I will walk this morning in the north Asheville neighborhoods. I won't go up the mountain with him and bears. I'll see what little bits of MY fun I can squeeze in today. We'll head out late morning tomorrow. 

A little Asheville delight is I have the windows open and the first birds of the day have started singing. It's loud (robins, I think) and happy -- smells like fresh rain too. Storms overnight with wind through the windows -- it was such a flashback to childhood. We never ran the AC, always window open and I loved the breeze and rain smell at night. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators.

Duke and Me and Asheville

Asheville or bust today.

I'm a little bit nervous. Strange for me and Asheville. Taking this trip with Duke, sans hubby, has me feeling out of sorts about it. Worried about things that don't worry me.

Sneaky feeling this is hormones -- suddenly nothing is stable. It might be a last push from my body before full menopause. 

Yesterday was better than expected. 

I ran outside at first light which is always pretty -- something about the sky and sun that early feels peaceful. Once I got moving, the run felt okay. I need to run at least once a week to not get crazy sore for a couple of days after.

Standing Friday meeting was a good one. Interesting conversation about our town, politics, etc. 

Lunch with my HS friend was also a nice conversation and the restaurant was a surprise hit. Got enough for dinner last night and lunch on the road today.

Hooked up my today's self by getting gas (had to drive for a bit to find gas under $5/gallon). Trying to make good time on the trip because stopping for a bathroom with my dog is an issue. I made it without stopping during the pandemic, but it's not easy -- my bladder is FULL.

But then yesterday's self did the minimum. Dang. I got a few things ready (laundry, trash, prepped food, etc), then sagged out. Double dang. 

I wanted an evening of nothing. I did get to bed early and got a good night's sleep, but I wish I'd done a little more because, once again, the morning feels like a push.

I AM hooking tomorrow's self up with a workout today so I can do the minimum morning activity tomorrow (long walk with Duke, but no workout). 

I think I'm going to skip tonight's family dinner. My aunt and uncle won't get in until 4:30 -- they'll need to get settled, house tour, greet everyone, etc. That means dinner after 6 o'clock and I have to leave Duke at the house. He's going to be a wreck being alone without Monti, especially the first day. He's also been throwing up (ate something -- his breath smells like death). As I said, I've seen my aunt and uncle twice recently and my sister hasn't. This'll give them time to catch up. 

UPDATE: I've actually seen them 3 times -- not going tonight.

Of course, if Duke is doing well and I feel energized, maybe I'll go. Playing it by ear. It's just going to be a later night and this pattern is tough for me right now. Leaning heavily toward not going.

Sometime I forget I can operate in the middle space. It's not a choice of all or nothing. I can go and do SOME of the things. My aunt and uncle are in to visit my sister and her family -- I'm not the main act. I can be a supporting character this weekend. Let someone else share the driving, so to speak. I'm doing more for Sunday -- taking today off is okay.

On that note, time to get moving. Have a good day. Later gators.

Overwhelmed, Dang

Good morning.

I hate to even go here, but it's what's on my mind this morning. 

This will be a surprise to no one.

You can say -- told you so or something stronger.

I'M SO OVERWHELMED (!!)

And it's totally, completely, 100% my fault. 

You all need to remind me, stop me, yell from the rafters ... a SPACE on the calendar isn't always a SPACE that needs to be filled. Voids are good. Free time is a must. Teeter with a moment of boredom.

Okay, if truth be told, the biggest issue is my mornings are rushed until god knows when -- as far as the eye can see (on the March calendar page, at least). I can manage the days once I get through the morning.

This means getting up early is a MUST and, you know it, I'm BARELY time adjusted. Still going to bed later than I should and morning wake ups are a rude awakening (literally). 

It's the push to get a workout in and a workout is massively important to how I feel, the hormone regulation, etc. With this lower energy, it so dang hard to workout extra early.

Where are my cancel days when I need them? I got one this week, but apparently it's not enough. 

What I want to be canceled is this weekend in Asheville. It's all work. Company, cleaning, dog with me, hosting, organizing. Shared with my sister, but still a whirlwind of work over three days. 

3 rushed days because I need to get home to volunteer and obligations ALL WEEK. 

I'm excited to see my family and my aunt and uncle, but I just saw them twice recently so it kind of, sort of, doesn't feel worth the effort. Horrible to say. Another weekend would've been fabulous. This timing is tough.

I pushed the trip to tomorrow (because of the grow room and the dog) so what did I do?!?

FILLED TODAY to the brim. 

Good lord. 

Taking my HS friend to lunch for her birthday. I AM happy we fit it in because I hate to not show birthday love to a friend in her actual birthday month, but what was I thinking?!? I don't have the energy for this today. Rush, rush, rush. Then I need to get ready for the trip tomorrow morning and more rush, rush, rush. 

I vow here, right now to stop filling my days so much. 

I need to remember this. 

Will I? Won't I? 

I've been scheduling appointments in the morning so I have my afternoons free for all-the-things. Nope. Doesn't work right now. I'm too tired in the mornings. I need to have that little bit extra sleep and that little bit extra time to be ready to workout. 

I've also been obligated to meetings and such in the evenings. Start the day too early, end the day too late with obligations and that makes days feel so much MORE. Time shift some of this stuff and all would be well.

Okay, I deciphered a few of the issues. Thanks for lending an ear. 

P.S. Yesterday was great. Lunch, garden tour, etc. Book fair setup went well. Back to volunteer with the kids on Tuesday. 

Hope you have a good day. Sorry for another rant. I need my hormones to get with the program -- mood, energy, etc. Later gators.

P.P.S. An email just popped up on the screen from my coaching program ... it's starts, "remember to leave clean space on your calendar." Well, that's some validation. Off to read the email. 

A List

I think a list is in order.

Yesterday was all over the map.

1. My hormones are out of whack. I started bleeding yesterday. It's not a period, but dang. The office was right to cut back my estrogen patch. 

2. The library shift was good, but probably a least favorite. Only 2 people at that time of day. I finished a Southern Gothic book from an author I saw speak last week. Beautiful writing, incredible imagination, but that gothic ick feeling.

Since I had a couple of hours left, I grabbed a copy of the very short The Great Gatsby -- another depressing book. Easy read to finish while I was there though. 

Between the 2 books -- not a "happy" feeling afternoon and that's on me.

My volunteer "payment" wasn't great either -- shelves are a bit bare after a big event. I found a couple of books, but not my usual exciting finds. I donated a bag of books from a friend too. She likes to give them to me to donate for some reason.

3. My garage is filled (annoyingly) with bags and boxes and a mattress for the volunteer task I did last week. I need to distribute the items after sorting, but crickets from the family members. There's another carload to pickup and sort and distribute too.

4. The women's group meeting was excellent -- great speakers. Met some inspiring local candidates. AND, I left feeling annoyed. A few things I said yes to, did the work I signed up for, etc just became BIGGER yeses that wasn't part of the original ask. When I questioned it, I got a bit of attitude back from a couple of people. "We all need to do our work for the cause" -- kind of response. 

I'm not at my best hormonally and I have a lot of balls in the air, and this is probably a reaction related more to both these things ... so I'm taking a beat. This morning I want to say a big screw-you to the situation, but I won't (of course). It would be nice to be ASKED and THANKED for the help instead of DO MORE because that wasn't nearly enough. 

Bonus: "That" person wasn't at the meeting.

5. My uncle got a stage 4 diagnosis with no treatment options. Hopefully, slow growing. Very sad. He's been the patriarch of the family after my dad died 26 years ago. He's 83 years old.

Some happier notes:

6. Volunteering in Clarkston today -- and invited to lunch ahead at my friend's house. She's making a salad from her garden. Garden and grow room tour too. Total joy. It's so lovely to be invited to share a homemade meal. Her other friend will be there too -- both ladies are calm and sweet and HUGE activists. Just what I need to regroup after last night.

7. Friends asked me to go to the botanical gardens to see the spring blooms, but I have an obligation already. It's very, very nice to be asked though. These are the ladies that came to rock paint. 

8. A bookclub friend reached out to do lunch and talk all-things-life-coaching. She's a life coach and I'm interested to hear her story. She's also a really nice person -- calm, kind. We're going out next week.

9. I reached out to my high school friend -- it's her birthday next week. We go to lunch for each other's birthdays. I was able to get it on the calendar for tomorrow. That's a win because my days are quite full and she's a full-time instructor with a busy schedule and we matched a last minute date. 

Her pick for her birthday. She and I have different tastes in food, but it'll be fun to try a new restaurant. It's a Mexican restaurant owned by a local diner. 

10. Last night SHOULD be the last overnight freeze. Garden covered. I forgot to water though. Oh no. Also, I planted flowers from seeds -- up and growing well and EVERY SINGLE ONE is GONE. Something had a good meal. Dang and you're welcome. 

I'm looking forward to a nice day. Feeling lousy is a pisser though -- it makes all the things a little bit off. I hope hormones settle down again.

Have a good one too. Later gators. 

Fairy Houses and a Rant

It was a total cancel day and it was just what I needed. 

I absolutely used the time wisely -- relaxing AND productive day. 

Yea, me. Not a given (as we know).

Working on the fairy houses and another one started. Sometimes the thing that clogs the works is deciding WHAT to paint. That's why I added a 3rd house because I'm momentarily out of ideas. 

Our back porch is getting screened in today. One day project. Do we believe it? I'm unavailable for the next 10 days if they need to finish up so, fingers crossed. What often happens is they think it's only a partial day so the early morning start happens hours late and then they can't finish. I sound a little bitter and burned, huh?!? I hope they prove me very wrong.

I'm working a library shift today. This is always so much fun -- and it seems like it would be boring, but it isn't. Of course, I don't volunteer very often and that's probably the reason. 3 hours of reading, talking about books, looking at books, organizing books, in the quiet of a library. Lovely. 

Then dinner out with my women's action group and the monthly meeting. It should be a good one (and a long, late night).

Bit of a rant ahead -- trying for short and sweet. You've been warned lol.

UPDATE: More than a bit ... hah!

"The" person who is giving me all this head drama and indecision, also belongs to the women's group. There was no way I could join and not tell her without a big fallout. She's a sideline gal though and has only attended 2 meetings -- nothing else with the group, even though she was heavily pumped for it at first. 

I don't think she's going tonight because the pickleball league she and my husband play in has makeup games tonight. And I'm so happy about it. 

She's also starting language that mildly puts the group down -- like she does with people. I hope this means it's fading out for her. I notice she does this -- if she's not the "most" in a situation compared to her friends, then it's poo on her shoe kind of thing. But she loves to watch -- join the group, see who's doing what, keep tabs. Sounds just like my mother. 

I really, really need to stop thinking about her. It happens when it looks like we'll see each other -- or I'm worried we'll see each other. Another sign she's not for me. If it was just her, I'd be long gone. It's this dang group and the women in the group that's holding me back. I like them.

That said, I trust my gut on this. It's not conformation bias. I've spent a lifetime with a mother who does things like this and I'm skilled at recognizing it. If you haven't had that experience, you won't recognize the game play. I haven't been wrong when I've seen it before, it's just that it's taken me so long to believe it because I question whether I'm seeing zebras instead of horses. 

Even with this person, my spidey senses were tingling from minute one, but I thought it was okay. And then there was something I disagreed with her on -- game on. I need to run for the hills at any tingling. I got drawn in and that's HER superpower. If you play the game like she wants you to, it's all sunshine and roses.

I know I have friend issues I'm working on, but those get worked on -- on my end. It's my reactions and expectations that I need to modify. And sometimes a behavior "feels" like something my mother would do, but it's not a pattern.

With this person it's an escalating pattern and that's the difference. I'm not reacting the way she's "demands" of her friends so she keeps upping the situation with me. When this happens with others in the group, they give in, acquiesce and it's over. Back to sunshine and roses. I don't because I decided I won't be treated like that anymore and won't bend myself in ways that aren't authentic to me. 

I think I need to get coached on it and stop ranting here lol. 

Okay, enough of that today. Got to get moving for the contractors arrival. Have a good day. Later gators.

It's a Cancel Day

I got everything done yesterday and it was an accomplishment. 

I showed up for myself.

Had a lot of fires -- on the volunteer front and personal front. 

Handled myself well.

Then I crashed. I slept SO SOUNDLY last night. I could feel it when I woke up. I dreamt vividly and I could tell I was processing the stress. What a difference a night's sleep makes. 

Today is a full cancel day (I expect) and I'm here for it (sort of).

1. Tuesday hike group. 

I need to be available for my aunt's procedure today in case she has another problem. That meant I needed to hike at the regular, agreed upon hiking time. So what happened? "That" person changed it, but first asked someone else in the group if she was okay with the change before she changed it. She was, I wasn't, but apparently my objection didn't count. And I already let her know I had a time constraint. MESSAGE RECEIVED (!!)

But, let's talk my crazy mind. I had a feeling the time would be pushed back because it's below freezing this morning. I said a little ... please god, I really wouldn't mind not hiking today. A pushed time would pull me out. 

Got my "prayer" answered and promptly was ... how dare she!!! Hah -- of course I was.

I know this is still about my indecision about staying in the group. Do I actually need to make a decision? Am I trying to create an issue so I will make a decision? Gray areas are tough for me. For absolutely sure, I won't quit on a bad note. I'll only leave if after a good hike I still feel like this isn't for me ... or should I say, SHE isn't for me. The group is fine. SHE is not. 

It's probably an ego thing too. We were the original Tuesday hikers. We made the decisions even when the group grew. Then she pushed me out and took full control. Now she's making it clear where I stand. She's done this to others -- it's game play for her. I don't want someone like this in my regular life. 

Okay, this is going down a rabbit hole I didn't plan. Not available to hike until April now so you can have a break until then lol! Moving on ...

2. Rock painting. 

My cancel friend texted last night. She has a cold that's lingering. Maybe she won't come with her granddaughter today. Decision this morning when she wakes up. Of course, I don't want a cold so a cancel is polite. If it doesn't happen today, I'll call it though. This is the 3rd time we scheduled. Setup takes work and effort. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. 

3. My aunt.

She's very hopeful that this 3rd go of things will be easier than the other 2. I'm still on-call, just in case, but she expects it's going to be unnecessary. Of course, the other 2 weren't meant to be hard either. 

Yesterday was a bit of shit storm. Today is smooth sailing. 

As usual, I need to use this unexpected time for GOOD, not for BAD (habits).

Paint.

Read.

Quiet time.

Reflection time. 

Writing postcards for the local campaign.

Restore myself. Fill my tank. Get ready for whatever is next. 

I feel a lot better this morning.

I'll leave it on that note since I've rambled enough this morning. 

Hope you're having a good day.

Later gators.

And Now a ...

... not really a mood exactly, but not feeling energized or off to a good start. 

I had a really nice Sunday, but I'm BROKEN today hah. A first outside run after the fall, lugging soil to my son's garden, a 2 year old for hours, horrible recovery sleep ... every little bit of me hurts. 

Oh, and the damn HOUR time change. Nope, I'm not adjusted. Yep, my body continues to be an hour off with EVERYTHING. Bedtime, wakeup time, hunger, morning bathroom (TMI). What the what is my problem?!?

Time change with babies, dogs, and apparently menopausal women is havoc. 

Storms and rain and severely dropping temperatures today. I have to go north to haul a carload of things in said rain and storms (volunteer situation). I looked at the calendar for a possible postponement, but I can't find a better option without canceling other plans.

I also have a few fussy things on today's to-do list that aren't bad, but feel like a lot because I slept so poorly. I need to shake off the cobwebs for the mental load of these issues. 

On that note, I think I'll go and try to do just that. Organizing my week always makes me feel better. I planned to do it last night, but I was hauling soil at 8 o'clock -- which really felt like 7 o'clock. (BUT, I'm very glad the garden bed is filled and finished -- part of my son's Christmas present from me). 

Hope you have a good Monday. I hope to rally this rocky start and redeem the day. Later gators. 

A Now a Good Mood

I'm enjoying the eclectic nature of my life right now. 

It feels fun and full and interesting (to me). 

(And, I know I also complain about "so much.")

I did the FS meditation (visualization) exercise a couple of weeks ago and one of the moments held an element of slowing down INSIDE. Enjoying what's happening now and not in my head 5 steps ahead -- wondering, planning, worrying. 

That's how it doesn't feel like too much. 

I'm practicing here and there. Yesterday was a good practice day and it made a difference. I don't often do it well -- and I forget all the time. Why?? It should be obvious, but it isn't.

Gardening.

Thrifting with my aunt.

Rock painting.

Porch time with hubby.

Author talk at the library with a friend.

Bookclub planning.

Movie night (Nuremberg).

Nothing felt overwhelming. I'll try the same today.

Another mashup day of all-the-things and I'm going to practice staying in each element and not working the day like JUST a to-do list. It has potential to feel like too much, but it won't be if I stay present. 

Can I? 

Will I? 

Maybe. 

Hopefully.

Painting a couple of mushroom fairy houses. Got these flat rocks at the thrift popup store for FREE.

Spring is springing. On the walk to the library in a vacant lot. How darling are these little flowers?

The thrift popup was spectacular. Organized, huge, nice things (all donated). My aunt and I went on the second day, but marking our calendars for next year to go day one. It's in March, but not the same weekend. Benefits a local town and they use donated space. We'll have to hunt down the date and location -- sort of thrifting to even find the popup.

The author talk was well worth the time -- very interesting. More on this as I read the book. I don't have it in front of me right now and I've chatted long enough this morning.

Okay, off to add some details to the fairy houses while I wait for the sun to come up. Hoping my aches and pains from the fall are okay enough to run outside this morning. 

Have a good Sunday. Later gators. 

Rocks and A Mood

Still on a rock painting streak.

Saw a few people taking pictures of the rock snake yesterday -- that makes me happy and hopefully gave them a little smile. 

(Is is a Rock Snake or a Snake Rock?)

Heads up ...

I'm a bit in a mood to ponder or complain or something this morning.

Had a bedtime drama again yesterday. It's not a big drama, but I'm trying to process how I feel about it. I had restless dreams over it.

The Tuesday hiking group mentioned the protest for the end of March. One of the woman's daughter helps organize the big Atlanta protest under the umbrella of an organization. It's fantastic that she's so involved. 

My town just got official permission (yesterday afternoon) to host a rally too and I know the woman who put it together. She organized a number of protests, a PRIDE walk, and other local events (all volunteer based). I want to support my town (and her) so I mentioned I was going to this protest instead -- gave my reason, kudos to the woman's daughter, etc. 

To me, this wasn't controversial. I waited until the protest got approved to mention it to our group. It's been back-and-forth and down to the wire to get an approval. The woman worked diligently (and she has a child, works full-time, etc) and our smaller protest needs people to attend. Without a lot of advanced notice, we need to spread the word.

I shared the link in case someone else wanted to go too or would pass the information along to friends and neighbors. A number of the protests have staggering times so people can attend more than one. Also, some people will absolutely not travel into downtown for a protest, but might be willing to go locally. 

It was not so subtly pointed out that the protest is not part of the original organization. I responded that ALL the protests have the same goal and it's great that there are many choices and opportunities. Crickets.

Now the group is divided. Some staying local (for convenience) and some going into Atlanta (defiantly because it's the official, official organization and that's where their loyalty lies).  I have no problem with any choice or any reason, but, what the hell is the snark about?!?

This kind of divide is a reason the left has trouble unifying. If you aren't EXACTLY doing left like I do left, then you aren't with me. Fractioned. Divided. Come on ladies -- do better than this! Haven't we learned this by now!?!?

Applaud everyone standing up. 

And, I'm going to bet money that the women who are up in arms about the local protest, don't do anything else. Don't make calls. Don't support local politics. Don't volunteer to help marginalized groups under attack. 

So shut up about "it's not official."

And, also, let's be clear -- these protests are about gathering to lift each other up. In and of themselves, they're not going to change the government. It's a networking opportunity, community building, momentum inducing. 

Probably the big Atlanta protest will be way more of this feeling and I'd actually love to go, BUT ... {all the reasons I said to support the local protest.} I was ready to go downtown. All set with MARTA. All set with a plan. And, I decided to pivot. 

It's disheartening to see this divide. 

I want to open up a conversation about it, but not on a text thread. I hope the people who are upset hike on Tuesday so I can talk to them. Let's work through this and be solidly together in our fight. 

Okay, that's enough of that. 

Today should be a good day. Big thrift pop-up market with my aunt this morning (last minute add-on) and a local author talk at the library this afternoon. 

Fun day. Need to move out of this mood though.

My plans for tomorrow and Monday are a bit messed up because of the volunteer crisis. I need to spend time up north both days. Trying to rearrange things. 

Have a good Saturday. Later gators. 

Released Into the Wild

Drumroll ... and TA-DA!

She outside, in all her glory -- only to get bigger and happier (fingers crossed).

I need to paint a few larger rocks and add a sign, but it's a great start. I hope people add to the snake -- I have a feeling they won't without invitation though because it's on our property. Maybe if I invite people with the sign. Hmmm ... have to give it some thought. 

Here's what I added to the other snake head/tail down by the water. If this one holds up, I'll add more. I hope people stop being a nuisance and throwing the rocks in the water. 

A little garden activity too ...

Kale salad with dinner.

Pinched some basil
from the grow room
because it was too tall.

Today is a relaxing and fun day. Lots of FS stuff to enjoy. Even the weather is showing up -- sunny, but cool.

Standing Friday action meeting.

Lunch with an old neighbor -- walking around our town.

Grow room adjustments -- pinching off the tomato plants.

Rock painting -- I'm on a streak. 

Postcard writing for the local campaign. 

A few fussy chores to get off my plate to end the week.

I like the plan for today. Full, but not busy. Comfortable day with time to enjoy all the little parts. 

I hope you have a good end of the week too. Later gators.