Ahh, 50-50 (Long Post)

Well, my "up" on Tuesday night came tumbling down on Wednesday -- sort of.  

Sort of because otherwise I had a great day.  

Ran outside for the first time in a bit.  Kept my promise.  The run and kept promise felt great.

Caught up with a good friend on the drive downtown to get my ring.  Smooth trip -- glad to have my rings back together on my finger ;)  Stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home to stock up for the week and get some fresh flowers.  That was a win in convenience. 

Wore a "look" of the season (so "they" say) -- stripped t-shirt, button-fly jeans and a blazer so feeling good with a little spring to my step.

Caught up with my eldest who got good news at work, new table delivered and is feeling better from the cold (they tested negative for COVID).

Music was spot on in the car too.  You know how sometimes it's one great song after another (and sometimes the opposite) -- didn't even switch to a podcast.  Sound up, singing, be-bopping.  Nice drive.

See -- great day.

Then a text from my girlfriend to cancel our trip in Asheville to celebrate her 60th -- because she wants to get her colonoscopy in before the end of the year because of the deductible.  She had some belly pain and a CT scan and wants to followup with a colonoscopy to ease her mind.  There's no rush, but she wants to save money.

This via TEXT.  With NO APOLOGY.  Just "it's crappy news."  She did acknowledge that I had put effort into planning it though.

The thing is, I went to a lot of trouble to make this trip happen.  Hubby had to schedule around the trip which was an issue because something came up at work (created a headache for both of us).  I made arrangements -- thought out, researched for fun things to do outside and/or safely, switched up my schedule to get things setup for our trip (since hubby added his Asheville trip this weekend).  AND, I was super excited for the trip.

She suggested the "slow" time in late January.  I said no.  That was my big effort.  I can't ask hubby to do this again and his travel is heavy in January.  I told her we'll try again in the spring and do something local for her birthday.  Her commitment to our plans doesn't EVER match mine if anything at all changes.

Big feelings for this -- trying to sit with them and then get over it.  Her choice.

Here's what I'm feeling ...

Disappointment -- big time.  I was looking forward to girlfriend time and celebrating her.

Hurt -- back to the commitment thing.  Makes me feel like I don't matter much.  

Frustrated -- I did a lot of planning and maneuvering for this trip.

Guilt -- This particular effort has expired because I don't trust it won't happen again and it can't happen without another block of big effort, planning and coordinating on my end.  Does this make me a bad friend?

Annoyed -- I feel like I have two choices, neither feel good.  Hold my boundary and be done with this offer (having my back) or try again feeling resentful and worry she'll cancel again.

These days I know that answer is to have my own back.  It has to be.  Model my behavior TO MYSELF first.  Remind myself I'll always be there for me.  Even if that means this fun trip doesn't happen.  Disappointment that it fell through lasts a couple of beats -- disappointment that I didn't stand up for myself runs deep and long.

Two things can exist together and that's what I'm trying to remember.  I had a very good day AND I had something that brought a lot of negative feelings.

UPDATE:

I wrote the above last night because I was upset and wanted to write it out.

But things changed ... she texted me a few times last night after my response of making the celebration a local one (outdoor afternoon at a winery maybe) because January didn't work.  First with suggestions of shifting the trip by a day (works fine) or going the week earlier (also works fine).  Finally, with a text that she would try to shift the colonoscopy to January since it was no rush.

See?  If she had called, we could've talked about it and figured something out.  Also, I had a feeling there were ways to problem solve this -- or at least try (both the trip AND the colonoscopy).  The initial text and cancelation was dismissive with no room for discussion.

I'm VERY glad I chose my own back.  Flexibility, effort, commitment works both ways.  Maybe this works out, maybe it doesn't but we TRIED to make it happen.  

Any option for December is STILL a lot of work because of hubby's travel and all the things to get this together.  We reworked the calendar last night -- now it's on hold waiting for her to decide and we'll rework it again.  I'm being flexible and I'm putting in an effort and I'm holding my commitment even though things changed on my end.  I'm doing all this AND having my own back.

This stuff is hard -- so many feelings.  Ups and downs.  I keep practicing feeling things instead of buffering.  I'll need to navigate that today too.  It's like I have a "feelings" hangover.   But that discussion is for another day -- this has been a LONG post.

Have a good day.  Later gators.