Aversions and a Rant

I'm trying to get some traction back.

I did an easy workout. Worked in the garden (last of the peas and then pulled them). Ran a couple of errands (thanks, negative test). Made coordinating massages for my Asheville trip. 

Proof of peas haha!

But, I'm still languishing. Every little things feels like a gargantuan, awful task. Send a text -- ugh. God forbid an email. Make a call -- geez. Even setting up fun things -- I have zero interest. 

That's the push right now. Just do the things. These aren't things that take up huge energy. Literally return a text message with a "great, let's do it." 

Covid is a mind-f*#k

And still aversions to odd things. I guess that's a little bit of what the tasks are, aversions. 

I picked the peas, no problem.

I pulled the plants, no problem.

The thought of cooking them, a problem. 

The thought of eating them, sometimes a problem, sometimes a craving.

Right now that thought makes me want to gag. 

Last night I craved them, but couldn't muster the idea of cooking them. 

Last time the aversion to coffee lasted about a month. 

Let's see how long until I feel normal again this time.

Also, still PVCs at night, but improving. 

Brace yourself, I'm going to talk about "that" person again. I've been trying to not give her my mind space, but I'm indulging myself this morning.

The friend who lost her husband introduced us. They've been friends longer than we have -- spent holidays together, vacations together in their early years of friendship. "That" person hasn't reached out to our friend since her husband's passing. She hasn't RSVPd to the service either. My friend asked me about it. Another mutual friend said she might not attend because she has to pick up her adult daughter from the airport, but her husband will be there. Geez. But that other friend is going to talk to her, so maybe that'll change.

I had reason (not important) to let the hiking group know I had Covid. Well wishes and offers for help (which, BTW, I did for her when she had it last fall). Crickets from her. Not even a "feel better." I also decided a little experiment after no comment from her.

It seems when I text my hiking availability, there will be no hike that week. Or if I say I need to stay local, it'll be a non-local hike ... that kind of thing. I said I was available this coming Tuesday ... and I'll hike regardless (weather permitting).

She almost always posts the hike info on Friday. Nothing, but she did do some chatting on the thread. Now, there have been times she's waited to post until Sunday, but not often. I'm curious. I think this is some of her game play and probably a move to encourage me to leave the group. Which I'm considering more and more. I wonder which will be a bigger pull -- screw me or hike with the group. 

I did some soul searching about why this is on my mind so much. I'm not interested in being her friend anymore -- that decision is made. I would like to stay friends with the group and would like it to be less awkward when I see her. BUT ... I think the real issue is I don't want her to WIN. 

This stems from my mother and the feeling that she always got the last word. Always lied to make it seem like she was in control. Never acknowledged or took responsibility. 

Same thing is happening. She's setting up the scenario for this to be HER decision to walk away from our friendship. That I'm the issue. That she's in control. THIS is what I can't let go of -- I need to counter that narrative with the group. I need to show her I'm driving this bus. 

There are times that I think I need therapy about my mother, not just life coaching. This is one of those times. I'm trying to live out my mother scenario with a different ending. And it's not working. It can't work with people like her (and "that" person). That's the very nature of the problem, the reason they can't hold relationships. 

Here's what's playing out for me. 

I know the reaction she wants and I'm not giving it to her.

For as much as she's in my head, I KNOW I'm in hers because of all the game play.

I have an advantage because she doesn't know how much I understand the game play.

Unless you've lived it with someone, you don't get it. I get it.

But, it's not healthy for me. Not mature. I know it and I'm still in the game to win. Ugh. 

I'd go on about this even more, but I'm meeting friends at a farmer's market this morning and need to figure out parking options. It's like the person on a diet who falls face first into a cake -- that felt so good, but it wasn't actually good for me and now I'll have a stomach ache. At least I'm somewhat self-aware hah. And you luck out that I need to get going. There will be an update about Tuesday. Taking bets ... right or wrong?? Either way, I think no hike information yesterday was her debating it. 

Have a good day. Later gators.