Polite vs Right

I had a moment at GNI last night.  I don't even know what descriptor to give it.  Mad, disappointed, shocked, sad, sickened.

A neighbor and a friend told a story last night.  Out of the blue, she punctuated the story of someone not doing his job well by rubbing her arm and saying "you know, he was tan -- they hire those kind."

WTF.

She's still my neighbor.  The friend part is over.

I didn't say anything other than by my body language.  It was at a table full of people.  Should I have spoken up?  This person has always been nice, kind, polite.  She went out of the way to welcome me to the neighborhood (maybe because I'm not 'tan'??).  The last few months she's had some hard times losing parents, husband with a heart problem, sister-in-law passed away.

Hard times don't excuse her comment.

I didn't want to upset her.  I'm part of the problem.

I wish I had spoken up.  The comment was quick and the story moved right over it.  I know if I had said something, she would have back-peddled and probably apologized (for upsetting me, not the comment).  She's a nice, considerate person who also happens to be a bigot and a racist.  I didn't want to make a big, upsetting moment over the comment, especially knowing I'll never change her mind.  I probably couldn't even make her understand why it was offensive.  She used the word "tan" because she knows she shouldn't say it, but she wants to say it anyway.  You know what I mean?

I'm sad this exists today.  I'm sad it's exists in a well educated, privileged person.  I'm sad I didn't have the balls to speak up.

In some circumstances, I would and I have.  But I considered her a friend so I said nothing.  Ugh.  Wish I could have a do-over.

In my defense justification, the comment came so far out of nowhere, that I took a breath to even understand what she meant - lord, I never thought she'd say something like that.  By the time I "got it," the story had moved on.  It felt like a wrong moment to say something - I missed the opportunity to politely counter the comment.  Maybe polite is just as wrong.

I hope I do better the next time something like this happens.  I'm sorry I lost a friend, but I'm more sorry I didn't tell her why.  And I won't  -- I'll just back away, politely.