MLK Day

Good morning.

I'm a bit on a struggle bus right now. 

I'm not even sure how to talk about it. 

What the actual f*&k is happening in our government?

Why is no one stopping him?

I'm scared for all of us -- more scared for many though.

My volunteer position is also in a crisis right now.

It was going so well for the family.

The transition was expected to be hard, but I worry it's actually failing. 

What I do, what I report, has consequences and I need to tread carefully.

That responsibility feels heavy.

And then this dichotomy ...

So much is going well in my little bubble.

My son found a good job. 

My grandson is a delight.

Mending family conflicts.

Social stuff is going strong in a very connected and intentional way. 

People saying 'yes' -- reaching out to me.

And I'm sad and scared and worried and deflated. I want to curl up in bed and hide from all of it. The good and the bad. 

Should I try to boost myself up?

Should I give into the feelings?

Then some selfish thoughts. Will I ruin the intentional connection and such because I can't pull out of this mood? Will my energy dive and then not "match" these new moments? Will I lose what I worked for? Where should my feelings be? How much of "other's" pain should I absorb?

I'm good at compartmentalizing (had to as a nurse) -- should I do that now? Why can't I do that now?

It feels wrong to pretend or ignore since MY life is okay, but there feels like absolutely no end in sight for the bigger picture pain. Pretending feels like self-preservation. But why am I so fortunate when others aren't? There's a big layer of guilt. 

Hello, Monday. Are you glad you're reading along?? Sorry for the downer to start the week -- especially if you are starting on a good note. I'll find a way up. Helping helps. 

I read this quote ....

"Worry is a poor use of imagination."

On a final note -- adding to the problem is using crappy coping mechanisms in FULL FORM. Eating junk. Watching junk. Sofa slugging. Procrastinating. I even had a glass of wine yesterday -- in hopes of a distraction. (Of course, nope, didn't work ... made it worse.) 

And I want to do that all again today (minus the wine). Usually this doesn't hit until afternoon. Starting from the minute I wake up is not good.

Enough of all of this.

I'll finish up.

Have a good Monday. Later gators.