For today, prepare for a convoluted story.
I've been off my game for a couple of months.
Didn't notice it completely.
Attributed it to normal ebbs and flows of life.
I felt meh.
A little disillusioned with things.
A sense of disappointment.
Why bother?
Does it even make me happy?
Am I really growing?
The usual things that make me happy being me, weren't. I was begrudgingly doing them. They brought no joy. I was judging myself.
First the why.
It was the family situation that I won't go into detail, but basically, I thought I did amazing, let things go, showed up well. But ... was told the complete opposite. I think it came from a place that has little to do with me, but it knocked me off my feet -- HARD. We seem to be actively recovering from the situation, but, honestly, who knows. Didn't see it coming last time so maybe I have no idea what this person(s) thinks now.
Another component of the WHY is that friendship dynamic that steamrolled me into old insecurities, old patterns, etc. Totally my fault for going there. THIS I even saw coming and thought I'd be okay. Spoiler alert -- I was not. I stood up, spoke up, AND let insecurities sneak in. The first part was progress, but not enough to keep my old-self patterns out.
I learned a lot, but, dang, I'd been happy with different sorts of lessons.
(Now, if you think that's a nonsense ramble, prepare your heart.)
A little background:
I don't do the future-self growth for accolades. I'm quiet about it -- I don't talk about it (except in journalling). It's for me. Quietly for me. Not to impress. Not to be liked. That's how I knew it was a real change that came from knowing myself. I just do me. People might notice from the DOING, but not from me talking about it. Or comparing. Or making comments. Or thinking I'm doing it better.
I asked for help during meditation to get back on my path.
It came in the picture of energy sitting away from me.
"This is where you are focusing."
Then the picture of energy covering my chest.
"This is where you need to put your energy."
I'm all up in other people's energy. Letting that lead ME. Letting that tell me what to do, what to want, what's important. Old me stuff. Trying to please others by mirroring back to them.
This answer helped, but not completely. But, I guess the universe wasn't finished answering.
We briefly played Priorities at our Christmas celebration. Draw 5 cards and rank them. The group tries to guess the correct order.
My cards weren't funny groupings. All serious things. Hearing my family discuss, essentially me, was such a confirmation of who I try to be. I felt seen. Maybe this isn't my imagination that I've changed. It's odd because the changes weren't for being seen. But being mis-seen was such a devastation to me.
Finally, this last couple of weeks, I've had a number of really nice conversations with people at my fence. It's like they were sent to be messengers. Wisdom, confirmation, acknowledgement.
Again, I know I said this growth and change was personal, private, intimate even ... but I needed a hand to get back on that path. I needed a pat on the back. I needed people to see me as I see me.
So a big, big, huge hug and thank you to the universe for answering my call for help.
I feel like myself again.
Temporary?
Will I be back next week in the same place?
Hopefully not.
The little ME things feel like joy again. They're making me happy. I'm back to making the effort with quiet enthusiasm.
Best way to know if things are working is to stop doing them and see what happens. (This is a version of a quote I heard decades ago.)
I've rambled long enough. Did it make sense? Maybe not, but it helped me to write my thoughts out, so thank you.
Have a great day. Later gators.
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