Meditation Magic

Meditation helped. 

Not surprisingly, the truthiest-truth was something underneath the inconvenience of it all. 

I worked on that truth.

What's left is the inconvenience of it and that's a cleaner decision. 

And, maybe, it won't end up being an ask, but I don't feel as conflicted about it. Either they can keep the work off my plate or they can't. If they can, then the answer is okay. If not, the answer is not at this time. That's my conditional answer. 

No guilt if it's no. 

No upset if it's yes (or just a little upset lol).

No more compromising on my end either. 

Remembering to get quiet and ask a question in that stillness ... it helps. Often, deep down, the REAL answer is there -- even if I decide to act against it in that circumstance, honesty with myself is important. It's an informed decision, not one that's pretending.

Off to Asheville today for 5 days. I'm happy to go and worried about my garden and porch plants. It's more work than what seems reasonable to head out of town. And this is back-to-back trips month. Hawaii is the big prep. I guess it's a good practice run with less consequences working out the kinks of a new garden. The temps are cooler and we are expected to get rain on Saturday. Geez, my little green babies. Don't bolt, wither, or break on me.

Lettuce can't handle the heat -- on the verge of bolting.

Seedlings are still young from direct sow -- wither in the heat.

Tomatoes and peas are heavy -- wind is bending and breaking against the trellises during the rain.

I'll check in if I can -- depends on whether hubby gets up early (he often does in Asheville). 

Have a good one -- later gators.

Oh No, a BOTHERED Rant

I swear, the minute I make a declaration, the universe says hahahaha.

I'm no longer carefree and unbothered. 

How long did that last? 

Half a day?

We're back to family woes and issues and such. I don't want to go into exact details since, technically, this is public. Suffice it to say, I'm bothered. And with bothered comes decidedly NOT carefree. 

I'm being asked to do something that I don't want to do. And I said so. And there's continued pressure to do it anyway (it's a big favor). The reasons I'm giving are personal -- it's not a two-way street with this person who will benefit from the favor (not my family, but my family is asking) and I don't feel inclined put in the work. I've done favors for years for this person at my expense and I don't want to do this one. BTW, just did a favor recently. Favors aren't over, but I don't want to do this one.

Oh, but {insert a thousand justifications and promises, etc}. 

Now it feels like a conflict because I'm not being heard. 

Do I stand my ground?

This is the first time I've said I don't want to do a favor. 

Here's my inner debate. 

I'm proud that I don't take advantage of people. I'm proud that I'm generous. I'm proud that my family sees me this way and likes to extend that generosity to THEIR extended family. 

But THIS ask is too much. The timing is problematic for me. And there are other options for them. My family said, let's table this and talk about it this weekend (meaning we'll give you even more pressure in-person). 

Me having a limit and saying so in an honest way is a big deal for me. It was hard to say what I said. And, it wasn't heard.

As you might gather from my wording, I didn't say no directly and absolutely. I said I don't want to do this and this is why. I said it's too much work for me. The timing doesn't work. It continues to be a one-way street (which was acknowledged and agreed). I wanted to explain why I'm declining so that it's understood. But the final decision and rest of the conversation was punted to this weekend ... and I allowed it (big old chicken me).

Do I concede and uphold my "generous" identity with my family?

Do I hold my ground and risk being seen differently?

The truth is both are true. I am generous and I'm not always generous. 

Now I have a worry-cloud over the weekend. I'm undecided. I feel like I'm being pressured. 

My feelings are also hurt because I don't think that pressure is extended in the other direction. There hasn't been one time a favor was asked to benefit me, to include me. Ever. And there have been a number of times that it should have -- of course, unless they asked and were told no. But, please, bend over backwards to benefit them. 

Ugh. Why are relationship issues so hard for me since I started standing up for myself? It was somehow easier when I thought people-pleasing was the answer. I still like to please people, but I also include me in the mix of pleased. Sometimes the ask is too much.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like to discuss these things with other family members -- feels like I'm talking behind backs. It helps to get it off my chest. 

Also (after reading this back), I wonder if there's a way to handle this situation in a carefree and unbothered way? Could that be the work? Is the universe helping me to grow (and not laughing in my face lol)? Question for meditation this morning.

In other news ... we did get rain, just later than forecasted. It's also raining this morning. Praise be to the rain gods. 

I had a fun day with my aunt. Lots of thrifting -- tons of good deals. Here are a few of the goodies. 

Made from a box.
Lid lifts off.
The inside is decorated too.

Whimsey for $5

1950s and perfect for iced tea.
I'm going to use it today.

LOVE this little Disney mug.
From 1960s -- collector item.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch today (she's using the birthday gift card I gave her), helping hubby with his car service, and getting ready for our weekend in Asheville. Oh, and trying to move from distressed to unbothered hah! 

Have a good day. Later gators.

Carefree and Unbothered??

It was such a beautiful day yesterday. Mostly overcast with a cool breeze. It felt like a front was moving in and there was this energy swirling. We all commented on how good it felt.

(Sadly, the rain forecasted for the next couple of days is minuscule.)

I hiked almost 9 miles and it was beautiful. The wind through the trees, cool temperature, spring green, so many birds. There's a breed of owl on this mountain that's out during the day. You can hear them the entire trail -- "who-ing" in the trees. This hike is my favorite of the moment. Of course, both times were on unseasonably cool mornings and that makes a big difference. 

Then home and walked to lunch with hubby. Sat outside in that swirling breeze. We ran into our neighbor and I hired his younger kids to water a few pots while we're away in Hawaii. I'll put out buckets of water and they can water from the buckets since we turn off our water. Happy to have an option for my poor plants since rain is nonexistent and kids love to earn a little money.

We early voted too. 35 seats -- some primary, but the judge seats are the actual election.

I've been pushy with friends and family on this election.

Not sure it was well received hah, but I don't care. It's too important to be quiet. 

Had to top off basil so it grows more bushy and now I have lots of little jars sitting around. It's totally my summer love language. I hope the basil takes as the summer temps move in. I planted them under other plants for some shade. 

Reading this on a recommendation from a friend. I LOVE it. It's so suspenseful and engrossing. I think it's her best yet.

I'm playing around with a reading list for the next few weeks. I planning to bring books to Hawaii, not my kindle. A couple of long, slow reads. Not totally sure yet, but I don't want to load up my kindle with backlist from the library or duplicate what I already have in print. That feels like a waste on both fronts. Plus, plane and vacation mean lots of reading time and an opportunity to finish a couple of chonkers on my TBR. 

That said, if I can get some of those big books from the library, maybe no harm in going that route. But, I'm not an e-reader fan anymore. Something about holding the book feels better, and being able to go back and forth, see the chapters, etc. Decisions, decisions. Carrying said book in my carry-on is the downside though.

First I need a book for this weekend in Asheville. I won't have as much reading time as I usually do, but I enjoy a certain kind of book in Asheville and I want to be intentional. Something a little slower or meaningful or whimsy. Stay tuned. 

I'm thrifting with my aunt today and lunch at one of our favorite places out her way. I'm looking forward to a fun day. 

This change of heart about not letting these trips overwhelm me ahead of time seems to be working. {knock wood}. I'm prioritizing have fun first (me-time) and the "work" of the trips second. A little more carefree and unbothered. Could this be my theme of the summer? That might be something to experiment -- hmmmm. Right now, in this moment, for the 5 minutes I've been doing it ... it feels good. 

Have a good day! Later gators.

Semi-Plan

I have a semi-plan. 

And part of that plan is to have no plan. 

Family hasn't given me answers on the simplest things, so I'm not going to sweat it. Whatever happens, happens. If it's boring, it's boring. And this isn't coming from a snarky place. It's coming from letting them have their own priorities. I'm not chasing anymore. 

It's that energy thing again.

Using MY energy in ways that are welcomed and appreciated. Sometimes by my family (again, this isn't snark), but clearly not in this situation. I love that they all agreed to come and that's what they are willing to give. Seems the "what" isn't important to them, so it doesn't need to be important to me either. I don't need to bend over backwards -- using my efforts this week for my priorities. 

Giving everyone their agency (including me), relieved all the overwhelm of THIS trip. 

Probably an adjustment lesson for me in all of this. 

My neighbor sent me this picture. The old flame azaleas are in bloom at the house. I hope the blooms stay until Thursday when we head up.

I had tentative plans to finish my friend's garden this morning. She's not able to because of lawyer appointments and my week is full. She'll finish it later in the week. This frees up today, specifically this morning. I'm feeling better so I'm going to go hike -- the hike I planned for Sunday. It'll be a drive in weekday traffic, but I'm taking some time for nature and me. 

I saw this on IG and I thought it was fun. A mosaic lightbulb.

This was the greens pick from yesterday. I shared with my neighbor. Absolutely delicious, fresh, crisp. It was a big stack of leaves.

Hope your Monday is setting the week up well. Later gators.

Dang, No Rain

No rain.

Great for our activities (heavy overcast, cool breeze), but we're desperate for rain. More on the forecast this week, but I'm not holding out much hope. It keeps getting downgraded each time I look.

Family fun at the farmers market. HUGE turnout and we got a late start so all the breakfast food was sold out. Vendors are just figuring out the bigger crowds since they've expanded the market. We walked into town and grabbed breakfast instead. Got a few goodies from the market -- coffee, strawberries, and a table cloth for a club table. 

The road was bumpy and my grandson held his water bottle and put his hand on mine so they wouldn't fall out. ADORABLE (!!!!!!!!)

Met the women's group for a road cleanup in the afternoon. Couple of hours of community work. Partnered with a friend and we chatted gardening and books the entire time. Got a number of thank you shout-outs too. Grateful for the clouds and breeze -- very pleasant walking the couple of miles.

I decided to forgo the hike today. Something needed to give in my schedule and this was it. I still think I might be fighting something. My energy is low and I kind of, sort of, don't feel well. Nothing I can put my finger on though. Sometimes it feels like a cold coming on. Sometimes my stomach isn't right. Sometimes I feel like I need to sleep. I think this is general rundown that needs a little TLC.

I haven't gotten a handle on the schedule for the week. I'm all over the place and don't have a plan. This week NEEDS a plan. Next week needs a plan too.

Long weekend (5 days) in Asheville with the family and then a full few days and then we leave for 10 days in Hawaii. May is a big month. I have to get organized so I can enjoy the fun of it -- not be in catch up mode the entire month. That's a sure way for me to forget to have a good time.

Why, why, why is there so much to do before travel? 

Why did we schedule back-to-back trips?

Apparently, I'll never learn. 

And, yep, complaining about something that's not a problem. I hear it. I get it. 

On that note, going to get moving ... on something. Not even sure what. Until I make a plan, I'm just doing random things that I know need to be done. 

Hope you have a good Sunday. My intention is to get setup for a good week ahead (aka, a plan). Later gators. 

Rain Please

We're expecting rain today -- FINALLY.

I hope it rains a lot. We're in desperate need.

And, dang, on a Saturday?!!?

Boys are coming over to go to the farmer's market this morning. My DILs are out of town (not together, but happened the same weekend). I think we'll skirt the morning rain. All boys and me. Vastly outnumbered lol.

Then I'm volunteering for road beautification sponsored by the women's action group. Not sure if that'll happen with storms possible this afternoon. 

I'm physically tired today. I don't know if I'm all altogether feeling well -- maybe coming down with something. Maybe need a little rest. My heart rate was low overnight (44 -- that's lower than my normal low) and I'm feeling off. I'll see what tonight brings. 

I'm debating a solo hike tomorrow morning and it's going to be a last minute decision. It might be too much considering the week ahead. I need full energy for what's on the agenda. An easier day today might be enough rest though. Solo means I can modify pace and distance so if I'm feeling like myself, I'll give it a go.

Short and sweet this morning because I don't have much to say (for once). Hope you have a good Saturday. Later gators.

Already Friday

As much as I don't love a day that's an early morning and a "late" evening, yesterday was a good day.

I cried in the car on the way to see my friend -- some music got me. When I saw her, we had a long hug and a cry too. I'm glad I shared that moment with her. 

Half the garden is planted. More to come on Monday (as of now). 

We talked for an hour before we got to gardening. I hate this awful loss for them and for him too. Sadly, it was preventible and that's heartbreaking. He had a fear of medical things, and never saw a doctor, and ignored some significant symptoms weeks leading up to his passing. Friends and family urged him to go to the doctor, but the fear won out. 

I spent the afternoon fussing around the house. 

Rock painted. 

Hard boiled eggs from my neighbor's chickens. 

A little gardening on my gardens too.

Added "Snoopy"

Such pretty colors

A couple of quick rocks.

The evening meet and greet with local and state candidates was well worth my effort. Some incredible people running. Being with a group of friends and others who feel the same felt like a shot in the arm to keep going, keep working. Clouds and a breeze came in for the evening and it was a beautiful night to walk and sit outside. 

Now a minute on what I was coached on with "that" person. 

I'm proud of how I'm progressing on this front. Standing in the uncomfortable because I know what's right for me. Understanding why this is difficult. Not engaging or initiating contact. Keeping her out of my head as much as I can. This is still work in progress (because we're in a group together), but the coaching tools are helping. 

She isn't someone I want in my life on that level. Once you see behind the curtain, you can't unsee it. I don't like who she is and I don't like who I am around her. 

I'm breaking that ick of energetic connection and not wasting MY energy on the relationship. Either to try and stop the uncomfortable (by acquiescing) or going head-to-head to not let her "get away with it."

It's amazing how often my mind offers up thoughts or ideas on either side of that coin. Every single time I remind myself, nope, I don't engage AND I'm so proud of how I'm showing up. Basically a big round of applause each time I show up how I want to show up. And each time it gets a little easier. Positive reinforcement for the win (and a couple of other tricks from coaching). 

There was a situation yesterday and I'm happy how I handled it -- both forward facing and in my mind. {*applause*}  I'm clearing out my head faster and the uncomfortable feeling is substantially less. All about practicing and telling myself a better story and cheering myself on.

Okay, that's that for today. Heading to run outside, Friday coffee meeting, and lunch with my new neighbor. Then getting to work on the family trip coming up next week. A conversation for another day ... and, yep, it's all about overwhelm. Of course. There's only so much I can change about myself at any given time hah. Overwhelm is taking a backseat to what I chatted about. May is a month of overwhelm potential. You've been warned lol. I'll try to keep it reined in. 

Later gators.