Happy to be Wrong

Well, well, well ... 

I'm really happy to report I had a 2-1/2 hour catch up call with my friend of almost 40 years. This was the first conversation since January 2021 (very specific because that's when she had a job situation change that brought the peacocking to a head) that was NOT peacocking. 

We actually TALKED. Like we used to. About everything. Little life details and moments. 

It felt good and I hope this is the start of us back in stride. 

I stayed up late for this conversation because it was so nice to be ourselves with each other again.

And, interesting thing ...

Her daughter is having problems in a friend group because of one specific person. Guess what that reminded me of ?!?! And my thoughts about her daughter's situation weren't at all wishy-washy. 

Maybe I should take my own advice.

I'm not going down that Easter bunny hole today, but you know I'll explain soon. 

Anyway, today is our family little, kind of, sort of, Easter celebration. We're not religious, but it's an excuse to get together with a few Belgium chocolates from hubby's trip and plastic eggs for our grandson. We're going out for a brunch, early lunch situation and maybe coming back to the house. No one has really confirmed the details other than they'll see us today. My kids did not get my planning genes. 

Hope you have a great day. Later gators.

"Good Thursday" Recap

Yesterday was a nice ME day.

I ran outside and then went on a hike with hubby and Duke. Lots of pretty nature.

These are so fun.

Tended to the grow room -- hardening off the herbs and peppers and tomatoes.

Walked to lunch with hubby. Sat outside on the porch of the restaurant, in the shade, people watching -- really nice lunch.

Painted Elmos and Cookie Monsters (I really like how the "young" Cookie Monster turned out) while I caught up with my best friend.

More pins arrived from E-bay. I give so many away it was time for more.

Ended the day reading more of my bookclub pick. It's over 650 pages. I'm 2/3 finished. I like it, but it could be a lot shorter. Geez.

Today is NOT a me day, but it'll be productive. 

Most of the day volunteering with various things and a home visit tonight (eeek -- hate to flank the day, but it's necessary). 

I'm supposed to have a catch-up call with a friend (my former best friend) after the home visit. She's all about herself these days (years actually), but there are slight glimmers of the old her. I know this is a mid-life crisis kind of thing with low self-esteem that looks like peacocking. But I'm over the putting down, never interested in me, exaggerated bragging (nice way to say lying). After being patient, talking to her about it, and no change, I pulled back. The ball is in her court if she wants an active friendship. She reached out to catch up. We had the HS call last weekend so we did recently catch up. Curious if this is wanting a connection OR wanting to brag about her life. We'll see. 

BTW, I don't so much mind the bragging. I mind the one-way street. 

This has been a prickly friendship that I've had to reevaluate too. But it's not the same as "that" person. Even so, I had to make difficult decisions. You're not my best friend when you consistently put me down. We've been friends for almost 40 years. I held up my end of a bestie and she didn't. I pulled back to preserve the friendship so that it can come back. I really, really want her in my life. This happened a couple of times in the decades of our friendship, but it's never lasted this long or been this intense. 

This is definitely my friendship-working era. I've worked out a lot of things -- a lot of what I expect from a friendship. I finally know I deserve to be treated well. Of course, there are phases, and situation, etc (on my end too), but overall I want someone who cares about me, wants the best for me, etc. and I want to feel that way toward them too.

It's okay if friendships don't have time or need to pull back or stay at a certain level. But I don't accept being unkind or not happy for me or game play ... all these things. AND this is a personality type I'm drawn too because of childhood crap. It's a pattern I need to break and am slowly (too slowly) learning how to do it. 

I want to add a disclaimer for my ego ... I have a number of wonderful, beautiful friendships. It's these problem ones that I talk about here because I'm still working on how to handle them. I talked to my best friend from college for 2 hours yesterday -- not a snark, not an ugly feeling, nothing but laughter and connection. 

I'm very wordy this morning. On that note, have a "good Friday." Later gators.

Eggs, Box Bed, Garden Update

Hello. 

Did I share that my neighbor is exchanging fresh eggs for garden greens? How fun is this?!?! Of course, I'm a little scared to eat unpasteurized eggs. Should I be? Just googled ... need to fully cook them (i.e. no runny yolks), but should be fine.

Easter colors

I made time for a little creative project yesterday. 

A while ago I made a little bed for my grandson's Elmo doll and he SITS in it with Elmo. How cute is that? And how does he actually fit?? It's a LITTLE bed.

I decided to make him a bigger one that he can fit in with his stuffed animals. He likes to "read" to them. 

Big box, leftover wrapping paper, extra bed pillows ... and ta-da! I need to paint a few Elmos and Cookie Monsters on the bed and it's finished. Temporary fun out of things I had at home.

I'm glad I took the time to do this. 

Nature, garden, and creativity are mood boosts in the best way.

Lifted some of the heaviness yesterday.

I started hardening off the peppers and herbs too. We have a few colder days next week and then it should be time to plant. I'm holding off as long as I can. April 18 is summer plant day according to the almanac. I might be able to sneak it a week early depending on the forecast.

Meanwhile, greens are fabulous. Peas are slowly coming along. Something ate the radishes and turnips. Cilantro and spinach never germinated. About a 50-50 spring experience. I'm at the absolute height of the work of the garden. Spring to summer shift with grow room is a lot. 

I made some grow room mistakes. but next year I'll do better. It's all about mistakes and critters and weather. And despite it all, things actually grow. So satisfying and awe inspiring. Fresh, homegrown vegetables. It's fabulous and I LOVE sharing things from the garden. I've already given greens and it brings me such delight to share. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators. 

Heaviness

No closer on the court report -- worked all afternoon to find out EVERYTHING changed and it needs to be redone. And the changes for the family are upsetting to me. I have a meeting this afternoon with my supervisor and will start again.

We got a date for our friend's services -- not until summer. Phew. We have so many weekends that are obligated to things that would be difficult to change because they involve other people and travel plans. This is a conflict with a volunteer event, but that's okay. I was worried the service would be one of two weekends that we wouldn't change our plans.

This is a heavy week. So much sadness -- of course, the shit show from our government and the hate it spurs, but also personal. The volunteer position and the family crisis is upsetting and heartbreaking. I've worked with them for over 2 years. Our friend passing and his family in such grief is awful.

I don't have much on the calendar the rest of the week because we had planned to go to Asheville initially. I'm keeping it this way. I need space and time alone. Sometimes you need time with people to lift you up, but right now people and THEIR complaints, etc are irritating to me. 

What I need is a good, hard cry, but it's not coming yet. Emotions about lots of things are piling on and eventually I'll hit a tipping point -- probably during meditation some morning. 

I have home stuff to work on and that's the agenda for the next couple of days. Postcards to write for campaigns. Court report to write. Grow room fixes (lord help me). I'll add some nature and reading and fun too.

I'm going to do whatever I can to hold no early or late obligations. That didn't happen yesterday. I made an early appointment (dumb) and I had a late call for volunteering. Why do I do this to myself?

I think my hormones are off too. My estrogen was cut in half and hot flashes are back -- fun times. I feel off and a little light headed at times too. 

I hope you have a good day and I'll take one too. Later gators.

Shifting ...

Not surprisingly, and much to my relief, my friend backed out just before we were meeting. 

I think it was the right decision. Yesterday would've been too much for them.

Of course, I wish the flip-flop never happened, but it's completely understandable. 

I ended up going with one friend after all (the other already made different plans). 

I seriously considered if this was just a doomed effort and I should call it for this year's bloom.

But we went and it was a nice day and a pretty nature walk. (Choose the bigger life.) We haven't had rain for quite a bit and the flowers seemed a bit less vibrant, but it was still a beautiful show. 

Someone put rocks on the stump.

Spring colors growing
on dust on a granite slab

Grandpa's Beard

View from the top.
All shades of green in the
trees surrounding.

Nature landscaped

Diamorpha in bloom.
That SHOULD be a puddle
of water.

We shifted our trip to Asheville to next week. I already have plans setup. That helps the timing right now. I have a lot to do with the volunteer position this week and so much to do here overall (looking at you, grow room). 

My day is open to hike with the Tuesday hiking group after all, and I'm choosing not to -- that says something to me. I want to use the time to work on the court report, BUT in the past I would've made the time for both. I haven't hiked with the group in almost 4 months. Crazy. And interesting that I don't have an interest. I won't be able to hike next week because we're heading to Asheville. The lunch is right up the hill (5 minute walk) and I'm not joining for that either. Maybe the decision is making itself -- not sure, but it seems like that's where it's heading. 

Since I'm not hiking I was able to get a last minute appointment this morning for my 11s -- it's been a long time and I kind of forgot about it. Noticed them in the mirror -- oh boy. 

The rest of the day is working on volunteering and the court report. I have A LOT. It's always a spin up before a court date and this is another big one. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators.

Sad, Hard Day Ahead

This is a hard day.

I'm going on a mountain walk to see succulents that bloom for a short time on granite formations. This is my 3rd year. 

My friend who lost her husband was coming. I never expected she'd still want to go. She texted yesterday and asked if she and her daughters could come. Of course, yes. She said she wants to see me and get out of the house. 

I canceled with the other 2 friends and they completely understood. 

This will be hard today. I don't know what to say. How to behave. What they need. 

A distraction?

To talk?

To cry?

Maybe all of the above?

I'll take the cues from them, but there is such a responsibility to be with people in the most acute time of their grief. 

And, I know this doesn't matter, but I have a hard time crying in front of people. I expect they expect I will cry when I see them. Maybe I will. I hope I will, a little. I feel sad enough to cry, but often don't in this kind of situation. The exception is the funeral -- if there's music, I will absolute cry. If it's certain music, I will work hard to not sob.

I've cried a bit since he died, and I actually wish for a good cry at some point (by myself) to process some of the sadness and shock. I think they'll think that I'm not sad enough if I don't cry, but that's not true. I have so much sadness and it's stuck deep inside for now.

I hardly slept. I have a stomach ache. I want to be a help. I want to give them whatever it is they're looking for today and why they decided to come.

Years ago I had a friend who lost her husband and I never cried in front of her, but cried often for her and her daughters. And, I was a friend that was there for her more than any other (she told me this years later). Late night help. Companionship. Christmas shopping. Driving. Cleaning out the garage. Anything she needed, for years. 

I'm deeply honored that my friend wants to be with me today. I hope I live up to our friendship in a way she needs.

I'm okay however they show up. They can cry the entire time. Or laugh. Or walk in silence. Talk about their father and husband. Not talk about him. 

Their emotions are okay and I know how to sit with them.

I don't know how they want me to show up though.

Am I being too carefree?

Am I being too sad and down?

Am I talking about him too much, too little?

And I know they don't even know -- it will change on a dime and each person will need/have a different experience. I hope they're open to hugs. I often think holding someone physically is such a powerful emotional support (unless they don't like to be touched). 

Goodness. I said a deep prayer last night to please let me show up well. And I also asked that the mountain shows up too -- nature is healing and beautiful. It's as powerful as a hug and I want them to feel it. My friend is deeply connected to nature and I hope this experience makes her feel held. She's never seen the blooms or this mountain. It won't hold a memory for her. It can be a little glimmer that life moves forward. It can also make her feel connected to something bigger and connected to his spirit. 

Thanks for listening this morning. 

WHAT A DAY (!!)

What a day! 

I couldn't have asked for anything better. 

HUGE turnout.

Energy through the roof.

Community.

Kindness. 

What a lift for our spirits. 

I met wonderful people. A Muslim mother and her daughters on the way to a festival stopped to protest. We exchanged numbers and her story is beautiful. Almost 90 year old women who needed a bit of medical TLC at the end. Said they haven't been able to attend a NK protest because there wasn't a local one. They stayed the entire time. And so many more stories ...

Every kind of diversity. And every kind of kindness to each other.

THIS is the country I want. I could cry thinking about the goodness that showed up.

Semi-trucks coordinating their air horns at the light to join the chant beat. 

People cheering and clapping from car windows. 

So many happy car horns.

(Very, very few angry cars.)

The clever signs. And costumes. 

The little kids with their parents.

Teenagers fully engaged.

Seniors.

Dogs with signs. 

Wheelchairs.

Walkers.

Leg casts.

People who were heading to another protest.

People who didn't know, drove by, stopped, and JOINED.

They all came.

I brought one sign and shared it with an older woman with mobility issues. Helped her set up and she wanted the sign. She stayed the entire time too. She came by herself, brought a new walker so it had a chair seat and apologized for not having a sign. Seriously?? This is the kind of people who showed up in droves. The efforts they made to be there in person.

The protest hadn't even started.
And she was there and ready.
An hour early.

I want to hold onto this feeling. Why can't THIS be how we gather? 

Maybe we should dare to dream it so and then take ACTION to make it so.

I hope you experienced this feeling of community and collective love too -- wherever and however you were able to show up.

Later gators.