"Good Thursday" Recap

Yesterday was a nice ME day.

I ran outside and then went on a hike with hubby and Duke. Lots of pretty nature.

These are so fun.

Tended to the grow room -- hardening off the herbs and peppers and tomatoes.

Walked to lunch with hubby. Sat outside on the porch of the restaurant, in the shade, people watching -- really nice lunch.

Painted Elmos and Cookie Monsters (I really like how the "young" Cookie Monster turned out) while I caught up with my best friend.

More pins arrived from E-bay. I give so many away it was time for more.

Ended the day reading more of my bookclub pick. It's over 650 pages. I'm 2/3 finished. I like it, but it could be a lot shorter. Geez.

Today is NOT a me day, but it'll be productive. 

Most of the day volunteering with various things and a home visit tonight (eeek -- hate to flank the day, but it's necessary). 

I'm supposed to have a catch-up call with a friend (my former best friend) after the home visit. She's all about herself these days (years actually), but there are slight glimmers of the old her. I know this is a mid-life crisis kind of thing with low self-esteem that looks like peacocking. But I'm over the putting down, never interested in me, exaggerated bragging (nice way to say lying). After being patient, talking to her about it, and no change, I pulled back. The ball is in her court if she wants an active friendship. She reached out to catch up. We had the HS call last weekend so we did recently catch up. Curious if this is wanting a connection OR wanting to brag about her life. We'll see. 

BTW, I don't so much mind the bragging. I mind the one-way street. 

This has been a prickly friendship that I've had to reevaluate too. But it's not the same as "that" person. Even so, I had to make difficult decisions. You're not my best friend when you consistently put me down. We've been friends for almost 40 years. I held up my end of a bestie and she didn't. I pulled back to preserve the friendship so that it can come back. I really, really want her in my life. This happened a couple of times in the decades of our friendship, but it's never lasted this long or been this intense. 

This is definitely my friendship-working era. I've worked out a lot of things -- a lot of what I expect from a friendship. I finally know I deserve to be treated well. Of course, there are phases, and situation, etc (on my end too), but overall I want someone who cares about me, wants the best for me, etc. and I want to feel that way toward them too.

It's okay if friendships don't have time or need to pull back or stay at a certain level. But I don't accept being unkind or not happy for me or game play ... all these things. AND this is a personality type I'm drawn too because of childhood crap. It's a pattern I need to break and am slowly (too slowly) learning how to do it. 

I want to add a disclaimer for my ego ... I have a number of wonderful, beautiful friendships. It's these problem ones that I talk about here because I'm still working on how to handle them. I talked to my best friend from college for 2 hours yesterday -- not a snark, not an ugly feeling, nothing but laughter and connection. 

I'm very wordy this morning. On that note, have a "good Friday." Later gators.

Eggs, Box Bed, Garden Update

Hello. 

Did I share that my neighbor is exchanging fresh eggs for garden greens? How fun is this?!?! Of course, I'm a little scared to eat unpasteurized eggs. Should I be? Just googled ... need to fully cook them (i.e. no runny yolks), but should be fine.

Easter colors

I made time for a little creative project yesterday. 

A while ago I made a little bed for my grandson's Elmo doll and he SITS in it with Elmo. How cute is that? And how does he actually fit?? It's a LITTLE bed.

I decided to make him a bigger one that he can fit in with his stuffed animals. He likes to "read" to them. 

Big box, leftover wrapping paper, extra bed pillows ... and ta-da! I need to paint a few Elmos and Cookie Monsters on the bed and it's finished. Temporary fun out of things I had at home.

I'm glad I took the time to do this. 

Nature, garden, and creativity are mood boosts in the best way.

Lifted some of the heaviness yesterday.

I started hardening off the peppers and herbs too. We have a few colder days next week and then it should be time to plant. I'm holding off as long as I can. April 18 is summer plant day according to the almanac. I might be able to sneak it a week early depending on the forecast.

Meanwhile, greens are fabulous. Peas are slowly coming along. Something ate the radishes and turnips. Cilantro and spinach never germinated. About a 50-50 spring experience. I'm at the absolute height of the work of the garden. Spring to summer shift with grow room is a lot. 

I made some grow room mistakes. but next year I'll do better. It's all about mistakes and critters and weather. And despite it all, things actually grow. So satisfying and awe inspiring. Fresh, homegrown vegetables. It's fabulous and I LOVE sharing things from the garden. I've already given greens and it brings me such delight to share. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators. 

Heaviness

No closer on the court report -- worked all afternoon to find out EVERYTHING changed and it needs to be redone. And the changes for the family are upsetting to me. I have a meeting this afternoon with my supervisor and will start again.

We got a date for our friend's services -- not until summer. Phew. We have so many weekends that are obligated to things that would be difficult to change because they involve other people and travel plans. This is a conflict with a volunteer event, but that's okay. I was worried the service would be one of two weekends that we wouldn't change our plans.

This is a heavy week. So much sadness -- of course, the shit show from our government and the hate it spurs, but also personal. The volunteer position and the family crisis is upsetting and heartbreaking. I've worked with them for over 2 years. Our friend passing and his family in such grief is awful.

I don't have much on the calendar the rest of the week because we had planned to go to Asheville initially. I'm keeping it this way. I need space and time alone. Sometimes you need time with people to lift you up, but right now people and THEIR complaints, etc are irritating to me. 

What I need is a good, hard cry, but it's not coming yet. Emotions about lots of things are piling on and eventually I'll hit a tipping point -- probably during meditation some morning. 

I have home stuff to work on and that's the agenda for the next couple of days. Postcards to write for campaigns. Court report to write. Grow room fixes (lord help me). I'll add some nature and reading and fun too.

I'm going to do whatever I can to hold no early or late obligations. That didn't happen yesterday. I made an early appointment (dumb) and I had a late call for volunteering. Why do I do this to myself?

I think my hormones are off too. My estrogen was cut in half and hot flashes are back -- fun times. I feel off and a little light headed at times too. 

I hope you have a good day and I'll take one too. Later gators.

Shifting ...

Not surprisingly, and much to my relief, my friend backed out just before we were meeting. 

I think it was the right decision. Yesterday would've been too much for them.

Of course, I wish the flip-flop never happened, but it's completely understandable. 

I ended up going with one friend after all (the other already made different plans). 

I seriously considered if this was just a doomed effort and I should call it for this year's bloom.

But we went and it was a nice day and a pretty nature walk. (Choose the bigger life.) We haven't had rain for quite a bit and the flowers seemed a bit less vibrant, but it was still a beautiful show. 

Someone put rocks on the stump.

Spring colors growing
on dust on a granite slab

Grandpa's Beard

View from the top.
All shades of green in the
trees surrounding.

Nature landscaped

Diamorpha in bloom.
That SHOULD be a puddle
of water.

We shifted our trip to Asheville to next week. I already have plans setup. That helps the timing right now. I have a lot to do with the volunteer position this week and so much to do here overall (looking at you, grow room). 

My day is open to hike with the Tuesday hiking group after all, and I'm choosing not to -- that says something to me. I want to use the time to work on the court report, BUT in the past I would've made the time for both. I haven't hiked with the group in almost 4 months. Crazy. And interesting that I don't have an interest. I won't be able to hike next week because we're heading to Asheville. The lunch is right up the hill (5 minute walk) and I'm not joining for that either. Maybe the decision is making itself -- not sure, but it seems like that's where it's heading. 

Since I'm not hiking I was able to get a last minute appointment this morning for my 11s -- it's been a long time and I kind of forgot about it. Noticed them in the mirror -- oh boy. 

The rest of the day is working on volunteering and the court report. I have A LOT. It's always a spin up before a court date and this is another big one. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators.

Sad, Hard Day Ahead

This is a hard day.

I'm going on a mountain walk to see succulents that bloom for a short time on granite formations. This is my 3rd year. 

My friend who lost her husband was coming. I never expected she'd still want to go. She texted yesterday and asked if she and her daughters could come. Of course, yes. She said she wants to see me and get out of the house. 

I canceled with the other 2 friends and they completely understood. 

This will be hard today. I don't know what to say. How to behave. What they need. 

A distraction?

To talk?

To cry?

Maybe all of the above?

I'll take the cues from them, but there is such a responsibility to be with people in the most acute time of their grief. 

And, I know this doesn't matter, but I have a hard time crying in front of people. I expect they expect I will cry when I see them. Maybe I will. I hope I will, a little. I feel sad enough to cry, but often don't in this kind of situation. The exception is the funeral -- if there's music, I will absolute cry. If it's certain music, I will work hard to not sob.

I've cried a bit since he died, and I actually wish for a good cry at some point (by myself) to process some of the sadness and shock. I think they'll think that I'm not sad enough if I don't cry, but that's not true. I have so much sadness and it's stuck deep inside for now.

I hardly slept. I have a stomach ache. I want to be a help. I want to give them whatever it is they're looking for today and why they decided to come.

Years ago I had a friend who lost her husband and I never cried in front of her, but cried often for her and her daughters. And, I was a friend that was there for her more than any other (she told me this years later). Late night help. Companionship. Christmas shopping. Driving. Cleaning out the garage. Anything she needed, for years. 

I'm deeply honored that my friend wants to be with me today. I hope I live up to our friendship in a way she needs.

I'm okay however they show up. They can cry the entire time. Or laugh. Or walk in silence. Talk about their father and husband. Not talk about him. 

Their emotions are okay and I know how to sit with them.

I don't know how they want me to show up though.

Am I being too carefree?

Am I being too sad and down?

Am I talking about him too much, too little?

And I know they don't even know -- it will change on a dime and each person will need/have a different experience. I hope they're open to hugs. I often think holding someone physically is such a powerful emotional support (unless they don't like to be touched). 

Goodness. I said a deep prayer last night to please let me show up well. And I also asked that the mountain shows up too -- nature is healing and beautiful. It's as powerful as a hug and I want them to feel it. My friend is deeply connected to nature and I hope this experience makes her feel held. She's never seen the blooms or this mountain. It won't hold a memory for her. It can be a little glimmer that life moves forward. It can also make her feel connected to something bigger and connected to his spirit. 

Thanks for listening this morning. 

WHAT A DAY (!!)

What a day! 

I couldn't have asked for anything better. 

HUGE turnout.

Energy through the roof.

Community.

Kindness. 

What a lift for our spirits. 

I met wonderful people. A Muslim mother and her daughters on the way to a festival stopped to protest. We exchanged numbers and her story is beautiful. Almost 90 year old women who needed a bit of medical TLC at the end. Said they haven't been able to attend a NK protest because there wasn't a local one. They stayed the entire time. And so many more stories ...

Every kind of diversity. And every kind of kindness to each other.

THIS is the country I want. I could cry thinking about the goodness that showed up.

Semi-trucks coordinating their air horns at the light to join the chant beat. 

People cheering and clapping from car windows. 

So many happy car horns.

(Very, very few angry cars.)

The clever signs. And costumes. 

The little kids with their parents.

Teenagers fully engaged.

Seniors.

Dogs with signs. 

Wheelchairs.

Walkers.

Leg casts.

People who were heading to another protest.

People who didn't know, drove by, stopped, and JOINED.

They all came.

I brought one sign and shared it with an older woman with mobility issues. Helped her set up and she wanted the sign. She stayed the entire time too. She came by herself, brought a new walker so it had a chair seat and apologized for not having a sign. Seriously?? This is the kind of people who showed up in droves. The efforts they made to be there in person.

The protest hadn't even started.
And she was there and ready.
An hour early.

I want to hold onto this feeling. Why can't THIS be how we gather? 

Maybe we should dare to dream it so and then take ACTION to make it so.

I hope you experienced this feeling of community and collective love too -- wherever and however you were able to show up.

Later gators.

Protest Day!!!

I had a really good "people" day yesterday.

Friday's standing meeting was a big group, high energy, lots of good news. THAT is what the anticipation of today's protest brought (literally) to the table. The owner of the coffee house said, I've never heard you all laugh so much. We startled the little baby who's often there with his mom and grandma with the outbursts of collective laughter (oops).

Table number -- it was a sign :)

The energy is high for today.

Lunch with a bookclub friend was amazing. She's a wonderful person to talk with -- we hung out all afternoon. Lovely day. 

Restaurant is Peruvian and the owner couldn't be nicer. We got a bunch of taste tests of all the homemade items. Everything is GF and dairy-free. 

My friend who lost her husband texted me and might want to still come on the nature walk Monday. It's a maybe for her and I told her I can accommodate anyway she wants -- including postponing with the others in the group. I don't think it will happen, but I hope this means she'll work to keep her head above water as she heads to the deepest parts of grief yet to come. She's in shock and I'm sure it hasn't completely set in. It's a small respite and relief to have little bits of "normal." 

Oh -- today is my eldest and DIL's 5 year anniversary. Amazing. 

Okay, I debated going into this today, but here it goes. It's a mood ... a rant ... a something. So if you want to leave on the high notes above, feel free.

Remember the little drama of who from the hiking group was going where for the protests today? "That" person decided to go local because she can walk to the protest site. I was surprised, because, as I said, the downtown one is more interesting, etc. She singled out names to park at her house (not me). She lives on the other side of town, considerably closer to the protest than I am -- no offer to me.

I'm going local because of specific reasons -- would totally prefer to head downtown for the bigger event.

There was no chatter on the main group text about today. Still stuff about politics and hiking, etc, but nothing about logistics. So I texted another person in the group and asked where she was headed today. 

Downtown. The entire group changed their minds again (as I think they should -- as I would have in their shoes).

But ... SHE never told me plans had changed. She thinks I'm heading up expecting to see people from our hiking group. I would've looked for them. They've apparently started a separate text thread (I'd bet money that's she's the one who did). I also know that the people in the group would expect she would've told me. I also imagine (from past experience of what she's done with others) that she would've intimated that I knew.

I trust my gut on this. This IS game play, power play, whatever you want to call it. 

I'd like to be friends with the other women in the group, but she's going to make it difficult. People like this have a superpower to be able to ride in the uncomfortable as long as necessary. They play chicken and often win. They continue to escalate until they get what they want. We're in that escalation phase right now.

I need to decide if the other women are worth my level of uncomfortable.

Because this occupies TOO MUCH of my thoughts. 

I had a great day yesterday, and THIS is what my mind is focusing on.

Now, that said, my superpower (given to me by dealing with my mother) is I know how to NOT give her what she wants. 

A reaction of any sort.

Letting her know something landed. 

That I give 2 shits about it. 

A gray stone ... as is the new term. 

This conflict brings out sides of me that I don't like -- either I want win at her game OR I want to fix this in a way that doesn't stay true to myself. 

Ugh. It's tough. It's much easier to walk away, but I wonder if my lesson is how to navigate this in another way. Can I stand up for myself and NOT care about her reaction? Can I disengage from the game play (it's not really a game if I don't play too, right)?

Outwardly, that's what I'm doing today. It's the internal bits I need to work on.

I'm talking about this now, but I'm deciding to not give it any more energy today. Thoughts pop up and I won't engage them. Force my focus on people that matter to me. Shift my energy. Easy to say, hard to do.

Practice THIS. Maybe that's the way to REALLY not care, not just pretend to not care. 

So that ends my rant. I won't guarantee it won't happen again, but I WILL continue to practice not giving it focus or energy for too long.

Quick picture of the fungus (I think it's a fungus) that looks like barf -- found it on a walk yesterday. Fascinating.

I'm excited about the protest. Great weather. Good people. Collective energy. 

Let's have a safe day as we stand up!!!!!!!

Later gators.