Drumroll ...

Want to hear all about my return to the Tuesday Group?  Hah -- you're in luck, it's what's for breakfast. Let's do it in a list. 

1. "That" person ignored me for most of the hike. I saw her, said a happy hello and she turned away mumbling. Asked her questions during the group chats -- one word reply that wasn't actually an answer OR she's act like she hadn't heard me and talk really loudly to someone else. Chatting loudly and laughing loudly with the rest of the group.

2. Had a warm welcome from everyone else. Great conversations. 

3. I mentioned that I ran in the morning because this loop is on the shorter side (pre-hike workouts came up in conversation). Every time we've hiked here, we do one loop. After she heard me say that ... let's do more. It was actually great for me -- 7 miles. I had a big activity day. 2.5 mile run, 1.5 mile walk, 7 mile hike. I swear to high heaven she does this on purpose though. 

4. We were a little over a mile away from the parking lot when one of the ladies took a hefty fall -- she was pretty hurt. I used all my first aid supplies (have to restock today). I was the only one who carried water -- seriously?!?! One of the ladies grabbed my water bottle and poured all of it over her hand. Ugh. Not necessary to use it all and left me without water. I was PARCHED by the car. Fortunately, I had post hike drinks waiting for me.

She's okay, just banged up and quite a few bad cuts. Not one person carries anything but their phone and car keys on the hikes. That's going to bite them someday. 

5. Lunch at a really nice place, but $$$ for lunch. I usually love their seasonal salad -- everything is a work of art, but this one was bitter and unbalanced. I took most of it home to doctor it today for lunch -- something creamy and some protein. They juice some fun flavors too. All the veggies are from their organic garden -- amazing color.

Absolutely gorgeous, but
the taste wasn't great.

Ginger and jalapeno with
cucumber, apple, tomatillo,
pineapple. 

6. I gave "that" person a little birthday gift -- chocolate from PGH that my sister gives out. It's her favorite and you can only get it locally in PGH (she's from PGH). I saved mine for her. Her birthday is next week and I can't hike. 

Instant switch. Chatty. Went back and answered the questions I had asked during the hike. Asked me a bunch of questions. Texted me after to thank me for the chocolate and pin for her collection. 

Is all well? Maybe well enough. That's what I want. Not a one-on-one personal relationship, but okay in our group dynamics. Hopefully, that puts all MY drama to bed. You know you'll hear about it if it doesn't lol. 

The End. 

Finally a Tuesday Hike

Well, I was wrong. "That" person did organize a hike for today, just later than usual -- the furthest we travel with the longest lunch location in the opposite direction. All day thing because of the distance between home, the hike, the restaurant. 

Do I wonder if that was to hopefully weed me out? Yep, but also maybe that's a reach. It seems odd that during her "busy" season, after a vacation the week before, she'd suggest an all day thing. I'm suspect of anything that seems unusual for her -- there's often a reason.

I'm going today and I can't go for the next 3 weeks. I haven't hiked with the group since December -- almost 6 months. Good lord. My intention is for it to go well -- enjoy the group and the hike. Maybe she and I can find a ground where it isn't awkward AND she isn't so nasty hah!!

You know I'll fill you in. Stay tuned. 

I got a number of things off my plate yesterday and that feels better. Just in time to be asked by my friend to help with the service for her husband. Happy to help her and take something off her plate. 

I did a longer meditation yesterday asking for some clarity because I feel like I'm not grounded right now. Kind of free floating. Trying to be intentional but missing the mark. 

The message was that I'm trying too hard to rush to this next version of myself -- I need to stay grounded in this version as I take steps forward. Like rock scrambling, always three points on ground while you move one point. 

I was doing the opposite. 

So I'm remembering some things I forgot. Things that make me feel like myself. Remembering intentions that make a difference to me. And daily meditation.

I'll chat about this soon (not enough time this morning).

My heart is still having moments, but my energy is coming up. I'm going to do a short run this morning because the hike itself is short and easy. No pressure and if I feel off, I'll walk. It feels really good to have my energy coming up. I probably didn't give enough credit to Covid for how much it messed me up. 

That's good news because it felt like it was me being old hah ... nope, just sick.

Still thinking on a new birthday mantra for the year. The phrase that keeps coming to me is "stronger and lighter." This might be the one. I also like to check in with my 26 for 2026 list this month since we're hitting the halfway point. Birthday reflections in the works. 

Hope you have a good day. Later gators.

A Monday and a New Month

I woke up in a panic last night -- all the things buzzing on my calendar had me wide awake. 

But here's the thing -- it's not REALLY a problem. Things need to get done. A couple of problem solving issues that I WILL figure out and a bunch of regular to-do things. And my nervous system is going berserk over it. 

Still leftovers from Covid?? or my normal mind panic??

The good news is I'm relatively calm now -- talking myself through the logistics that CAN work to fix some issues. Also, I haven't been meditating since I left for Hawaii. How do you know if something is working ... stop doing it. Yep, time to get back at it. 

Oh, and it's mostly fun stuff again that has me in this uproar. What in the world is wrong with me?!? One of the possible fixes is ACTUALLY FUN (i.e. a quick trip to Asheville in-between company weekends).

Not to belabor the point (but I will) ... I knew I had a few tight weeks coming up, but manageable. Very deliberately and carefully scheduled. But then things added-on, changed, COVID. 

Is this a side-effect of a full life OR am I shitty at planning a balance and saying no? Am I over scheduling in a way that doesn't allow for the inevitable hiccup? Questions I ask every time I get overwhelmed. I still don't have answers.

This could also be some languishing left from COVID too. Is this list really too much or am I still on 50% power and it just feels like too much?

Questions, questions, question!!

In other news ... I hiked for the first time since we got home. My heart was fine. 7 easy miles. New and reconstructed trails were nice, but muddy. Some of the humidity blew out and it got cooler as the morning went on. Felt good to be in nature on an early, quiet morning. 

Looks like s sting ray

Hard to see -- 3 deer
chilling in the early morning.

I have a big day today. The more I can get finished and plans figured out, the more I can relax into June. It's my birthday month and I want to experience it intentionally, really mark the occasion. 

Oh, just connected it's a Monday AND a new month -- love it. A little extra reason to make a good start of it. Have a great day. Later gators.

Still Thumping and Bumping

I'm still recovering. 

Yesterday afternoon my heart was thumping and bumping away, but it's settled down this morning. 

Farmer's Market was really nice -- it's a true market. Not a bad drive at that time of morning and parking was okay too. I bought some prepared foods (lentil dish and grape leaves), flowers, veggies, cheese, local smoked trout. Lots of good choices. I'd have bought more if it wasn't so ungodly humid and miserable out. -- my bag was heavy and I didn't have it in me to wait in longer lines. I went with friends and they felt the same. I'll add this to Saturday rotation though.

We have a local trail that was closed for 6 months for trail restoration with 2 miles of added trails. It opened a couple of weeks ago. I'm going to give it a whirl this morning -- slow and steady. I probably won't be able to do all the new trails since I'm still recovering, but I'm excited to see what's changed. 

Then babysitting for the day while the kids continue to get their house ready to be on the market. Always love to see that sweet boy and it looks like he didn't catch Covid from me or my son -- very grateful. 

Let's talk The Weather -- it's so HUMID. Like really, really horrible humid. I hope this system breaks soon. We needed all the rain, but now it's time to move it along. No more rain expected, but ridiculously thick air.

My hiking club put on a hike tomorrow that I'd love to hike, but it's in the afternoon. No way with this weather. Add heat to the humidity and I'm done-for. Maybe I'll give this one a go myself. I've done it before, but I don't feel super confident I can navigate. It's 8 miles and that can be an issue because it can take a long time before you realize you're on the wrong trail. I'll keep my eyes out for a cooler morning and maybe see if a friend would like to hike. Two sets of eyes on the route feels safer. 

Short and sweet this morning. 

Hope you have a good day. 

Later gators.

Aversions and a Rant

I'm trying to get some traction back.

I did an easy workout. Worked in the garden (last of the peas and then pulled them). Ran a couple of errands (thanks, negative test). Made coordinating massages for my Asheville trip. 

Proof of peas haha!

But, I'm still languishing. Every little things feels like a gargantuan, awful task. Send a text -- ugh. God forbid an email. Make a call -- geez. Even setting up fun things -- I have zero interest. 

That's the push right now. Just do the things. These aren't things that take up huge energy. Literally return a text message with a "great, let's do it." 

Covid is a mind-f*#k

And still aversions to odd things. I guess that's a little bit of what the tasks are, aversions. 

I picked the peas, no problem.

I pulled the plants, no problem.

The thought of cooking them, a problem. 

The thought of eating them, sometimes a problem, sometimes a craving.

Right now that thought makes me want to gag. 

Last night I craved them, but couldn't muster the idea of cooking them. 

Last time the aversion to coffee lasted about a month. 

Let's see how long until I feel normal again this time.

Also, still PVCs at night, but improving. 

Brace yourself, I'm going to talk about "that" person again. I've been trying to not give her my mind space, but I'm indulging myself this morning.

The friend who lost her husband introduced us. They've been friends longer than we have -- spent holidays together, vacations together in their early years of friendship. "That" person hasn't reached out to our friend since her husband's passing. She hasn't RSVPd to the service either. My friend asked me about it. Another mutual friend said she might not attend because she has to pick up her adult daughter from the airport, but her husband will be there. Geez. But that other friend is going to talk to her, so maybe that'll change.

I had reason (not important) to let the hiking group know I had Covid. Well wishes and offers for help (which, BTW, I did for her when she had it last fall). Crickets from her. Not even a "feel better." I also decided a little experiment after no comment from her.

It seems when I text my hiking availability, there will be no hike that week. Or if I say I need to stay local, it'll be a non-local hike ... that kind of thing. I said I was available this coming Tuesday ... and I'll hike regardless (weather permitting).

She almost always posts the hike info on Friday. Nothing, but she did do some chatting on the thread. Now, there have been times she's waited to post until Sunday, but not often. I'm curious. I think this is some of her game play and probably a move to encourage me to leave the group. Which I'm considering more and more. I wonder which will be a bigger pull -- screw me or hike with the group. 

I did some soul searching about why this is on my mind so much. I'm not interested in being her friend anymore -- that decision is made. I would like to stay friends with the group and would like it to be less awkward when I see her. BUT ... I think the real issue is I don't want her to WIN. 

This stems from my mother and the feeling that she always got the last word. Always lied to make it seem like she was in control. Never acknowledged or took responsibility. 

Same thing is happening. She's setting up the scenario for this to be HER decision to walk away from our friendship. That I'm the issue. That she's in control. THIS is what I can't let go of -- I need to counter that narrative with the group. I need to show her I'm driving this bus. 

There are times that I think I need therapy about my mother, not just life coaching. This is one of those times. I'm trying to live out my mother scenario with a different ending. And it's not working. It can't work with people like her (and "that" person). That's the very nature of the problem, the reason they can't hold relationships. 

Here's what's playing out for me. 

I know the reaction she wants and I'm not giving it to her.

For as much as she's in my head, I KNOW I'm in hers because of all the game play.

I have an advantage because she doesn't know how much I understand the game play.

Unless you've lived it with someone, you don't get it. I get it.

But, it's not healthy for me. Not mature. I know it and I'm still in the game to win. Ugh. 

I'd go on about this even more, but I'm meeting friends at a farmer's market this morning and need to figure out parking options. It's like the person on a diet who falls face first into a cake -- that felt so good, but it wasn't actually good for me and now I'll have a stomach ache. At least I'm somewhat self-aware hah. And you luck out that I need to get going. There will be an update about Tuesday. Taking bets ... right or wrong?? Either way, I think no hike information yesterday was her debating it. 

Have a good day. Later gators.

Negative (!!)

I tested NEGATIVE this morning. 

Yea!!! 

From the same pack I tested positive on Tuesday.

Still some PVCs -- guess that'll take a little more time to settle down. 

I ate veggies.

Painted a rock (very simple, little bit ugly).

Rock grabbed from a hike.
Very bumpy.

Time to get DOING again.

Next week begins my birthday month, and while I don't celebrate with PEOPLE all month (hah), I do celebrate privately. I like to take this as a marker to re-visit the year. How's it going? What do I want to change? A new motto (haven't given it a second of thought yet -- eeek). 

Some special times sprinkled throughout the month. Quietly for myself. 

This feels like an especially significant birthday month since I'm officially hitting menopause. 

Time to feel better and mark this occasion. 

Want to hear about what's what for June, so far?

1. Right out of the gate, a weekend in Asheville with my aunt, youngest, and DIL celebrating my niece's twin's 1st birthday (that's a mouthful). Lots of fun sprinkled in a short trip.

2. The following weekend is a celebration of life for our friend. We were planning to go to the service on Saturday, but our friend asked us to also come to a dinner on Friday. It'll be good to laugh and cry and remember such a good man with people who loved him. Losing someone who was so curious about life is a reminder to live life. 

3. Before the service on Saturday, I'm helping with a Pride Walk in our town. Organized by a friend and she's concerned about a low turnout. I'm spreading the word and I'll be there to support a great event. 

4. Then that Sunday ... heading to Asheville with a friend for all-the-things. Hiking, good food, spa day. Celebration celebrating WOMEN. June 18 is the menopause date. She'll stay Sunday - Wednesday. I'll stay until Friday (depending on the weather). 

We've never traveled together. This just "happened" and fingers crossed we like each other for that length of time lol. I think we'll be fine. We've known each other for 8 years. 

I'm surprised I made the decision to celebrate with someone, but I did and I think it'll be fun. We share so many of the same interests. This was the week that I put out to my hiking group and crickets -- this is much better as it turns out. I also asked my sister and nothing materialized. 

(Such a lesson for me to stop barking up unavailable trees. Not chasing. Wishy-washy maybes or whatever are actually NOs. I cut those losses quickly and move on to another plan.)

5. Then my birthday and family celebration (I expect). 

Reflection time and some little extras sprinkled in all month. I don't tell my peripheral friends that it's my birthday, but I try to plan some fun with people all month. I don't want it to be an obligation for them, but I like the idea of choosing to spend time with people I enjoy in June.

Of course, there will be disappointments. Aren't there always?!? I'm trying to expect it and roll with it. Summer of easy and unbothered. Pivot. It was always meant to happen this way. The only thing I really, really need to celebrate myself is ME. Everything else is icing on the cake. 

That's all for today. I was chatty. Have a good one. Later gators.

Little Update on Nothing Much

Slug-like improvements. 

Not much movement forward.

COVID or sofa (bed) surfing all day?!?

Hard to say.

I'm still not myself, but I was craving vegetables today -- that's the right direction.

What's lingering is the feeling of languishing. I have no interests in anything. The thought of doing the littlest thing feels like a big, fat NOPE. Not now. Maybe someday. Can't imagine ever wanting to do it. 

COVID being weird. 

And still PVCs and some rapid heart rate spurts. 

Another rest day in the works.

Hope your week is going well. Can't believe it's already Thursday. Sad my easy, fun week became something else. Happy and grateful I know what's going on though. 

Later gators.