Suck it, bots.
Anyway. Let's go down a rabbit hole ... you've been warned lol.
You know I've been "off" lately. Too many mind dramas (probably of my own doing). Hormones (still not where they need to be). Cold (finally recovered).
But still not myself in some other way.
I asked that question during meditation yesterday and got an interesting answer. After a bit, I had a picture of a ball of energy sitting on my right, a few feet away. The thought was ... here is where you are putting your energy. Then a picture of energy on my body ... and the thought ... HERE is where it needs to be.
Yes. I'm focusing "out there" and I need to focus "in here."
That's where I'm aligned and happy and present.
It's group dynamics. I'm trying to figure out mySELF in a GROUP. Where is the balance? I'm letting the groups pull me away from me ... a little too far.
I need an adjustment.
It took me years to figure out what I want and even longer to act on it ... sped up by the isolation of the pandemic. Now when I make a decision out of that alignment, it feels off. Like I'm not being myself. Not being truthful.
All small-ish things, but regular happenings that add up to NOT ME.
I'm not sure the balance, but I know I need to pay attention.
Like this small example:
Hike with friends is set a week ahead -- somewhere I want to hike, so I say yes.
The night before, someone in the group says their knee has been bothering them.
Can we hike an easier hike?
Can we hike more slowly?
The group gives a thumbs up.
But I don't want to hike THAT hike at THAT pace. My opinion ... that person should back out of the hike and not ask the group to make the change. But the group feels differently.
What do I do? The hike isn't only about the hike -- it's also connection with the group. But I wanted to (and agreed) to something different. I hiked with the group -- with a low-key upset the entire time because the hike wasn't what I wanted. I needed to back out. I wouldn't have said yes if that was the offering up front.
(BTW, lots of times that doesn't matter. I can hike ahead for a couple of hours and then join up for the group hike. This particular time that wasn't an option.)
I've been working on being more flexible.
Not letting these kind of things bother me.
The rest of the group seemed totally unbothered.
BUT, I'm not the group. I'm me. And that small, little decision was out of alignment.
I could've passed with an open heart, no worries. Hiked the hike I needed that day. Caught them next time. I didn't because I thought I would seem rigid and unkind and I'd miss connection. But I didn't connect, not really. I just was frustrated -- with them, with me.
Was that the right decision? I don't know. But I know it didn't feel right.
I'm not sure the other option would've felt right either, but I need to try when I feel that strongly. If neither works and I'm just upset about people seeming selfish in a group setting, then that's a different animal.
I'm remembering why groups feel hard for me. Learning and growing is a b#tch ... and figuring out WHAT I need to learn is even harder.
Okay, climbing out of the rabbit hole ...
Here are a few little moments yesterday.
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| Christmas mug. Library book. |
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| Found a floor lamp from Marketplace. Been searching. Wanted cheap and used. |
Not pictured.
(1) My kids all voted together -- ran into each other at the precinct and took a selfie.
(2) Our town elected a new mayor in the run-off. I helped with her campaign.
(3) Finished the court report early.
(4) Ran into my aunt running errands.
(5) Hubby had his Million Mile flight yesterday.
Not a bad day.
Hope you're having a good week too. I'll be on the lookout for the small things today. Later gators.
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