Extra Hour

I'm enjoying the extra hour this morning. 

Up at "normal" time, but it's an hour earlier. 

HS zoom call this morning. I love that we still stay connected. One of the silver linings from the pandemic. 

Kids over for football, Cobb salad, and cheesy bread :) 

Yesterday was a nice day, but some prickly relationship things snuck in.

Why, why, why is it not easier for me to navigate relationships. I stopped tolerating certain things, started allowed myself to hold space, have an opinion, have a choice ... and now there's "conflict" on a regular basis with some people. 

Not everyone.

Not even many.

But it feels VERY uncomfortable.

Tolerate it and be upset with myself.

Speak up and feel confronted by the response. 

Is this how life is? 

Is this how non-people-pleasers experience relationships?

Is this healthy?

Sometimes I can see why my action or response doesn't land well. It's not my usual. It pushes back on a dynamic that the other person likes. It creates a change. 

But often, it's such a little thing. And maybe the response back is also a little thing, but it lands too hard. 

This is what I'm working on. 

My response to their response. 

Why does it bother me so? 

Probably because I think it shouldn't warrant that response. I'm not asking for anything that they don't ask for too. I don't give snark back to them. This feels unfair and I've told myself I don't allow unfair anymore. 

Is this the evolution of becoming a non-people-pleaser?

Or is this my story about "unfair" that needs another perspective. 

I've gotten better at showing up as myself, but not good at handling unwelcome responses. 

How do I balance it?

I don't know. 

And I compromise a lot (what feels like a lot, at least). I want to please people, but I also want to please myself too.

Lord, it's so complicated and uncomfortable and exhausting. 

But enough of this ... no answer in sight. I'll get coached on it again (and probably again and again and again). 

I'll leave with a nice message. Later gators.